Day 398 – Loss in my memories

IMG_1574Looking at loss in itself by my memories.

Definitely interesting aspect of self. Recently I started to work with the definition of this word and it is extremely rewarding to comb out the delusions and fears from our code of living.

It is quite easy to trip down to the reactionary emotional roller coaster when got attached to something or someone and ‘losing them’ for any reason. I am left with a relationship in my head without backup from reality. Literally my mind goes off-sync with facts and I am still responding through memory.

Not saying the best to become steel-hearted computing machines when someone passes away or leaves us, but to be adult and mature means to be able to mourn or even celebrate all we got from what we no longer experience, yet to remain in practical reality without pretending or faking stability.

I’ve had a quite emotional breakup a year ago what seemed very dramatic in that time and what made me stabilize is that there is only way to remain here and keep moving forward by respecting what I have learned, gained and grew with. What I gave and received, what was here as a visible potential and who I can become or even more.

What was also assisting that I was very transparent so to speak of what I experience, realize and struggle with during the whole partnership and although the other person did seem to appreciate it, was not given back to me on the same level and I reacted to that, so there was this hidden expectation that if I open up, the other will as well, which then is the door to any kind of solution. Seems natural from a perspective. It seemed practical too, difficulties presented themselves, if the commitment is valid to stay together, there is nothing what really is a problem, only solutions to find and apply to.

Based on that loss experience, I felt as I am losing the opportunity of this transparent open communication and I got attached to that, because my definition of it was not of and for self primarily, or even if it was, also was conditioned to a partner. That was a mistake.

One should not rely to another within stability and honesty, it’s self work. One can give or receive support with it, and any dependency should be agreed and committed to, otherwise it’s not support but a time bomb.

I also had several occasions when I concluded that the only ‘defense’ against the overwhelming loss and disappointment was that I am ‘impeccable’, I did all I could – and although it’s not entirely true as were mistakes by me, were weaker moments when I reacted with blame and worry, but in the bigger picture, I felt like this is me in this moment and situation and one can like it or not, I KNOW that I will improve and grow, especially by making those mistakes and learning from them. I used to be almost literally petrified by the overwhelming thought-streams of possible mistakes to make in reality, thus had to re-align with this and simply go out, be vulnerable and do my best while accepting that I will make mistakes not to judge but learn from.

So at a point also had to realize, the other has her process, her reasons, experiences and challenges and it is certainly not my style to convince anyone to stay with me so the loss I experienced was obviously personal and in a way to my own desires and expectations about the person.

Usually all of my angers are obviously against myself – when someone does something what feels really not cool to me usually I blame myself for trusting the person, often for not seeing, interpreting signs and for hoping to be able to trust and I am angry because I feel stupid as was a mistake to trust the another. But not really for trusting the other I am angry – I am angry, because I let go of self-trust unconditionally here. Big difference.

Well, within that self-inflicting anger it is to realize that anger is powerlessness, because I let myself to believe that I have no power of directing my trust, hope and openness, but in fact I do.

When people ‘fall in love’ – it is obviously automatic, they do not have power over that, it happens by their standards, desires, hopes and judgments. So whenever I automatically trust and hope and it turns out to be not rewarding or trustworthy, I automatically feel disappointment and anger.

So as it comes, goes – that’s why destonians suggest not to trust love in the mind, as energy, as it is a false prophet – will appear, stimulate and go – equally so within the another person – this is called the ultimate unpredictability, it is quite a toll to rely on this for self-stability for starters.

The whole arrow of cupid hits me thing is showing how gullible we can be to our desires, hopes and delusions. I do not say from this ‘sudden’ love people can’t build and grow true and real love(what is action, in reality, care, commitment and stability), just it can’t be automatic.

I was with a girlfriend in a previous relationship at least 12 years ago, who with I did not have this automatic emotional train ride and I defined it to be ‘not love’, ‘boring’ and now I see it was kind of cool because it was an opportunity to define and live love, whatever I would like it to be, but as I was raised in an abusive environment, where argument and conflict established the emotional baseline, I was always attracted to that kind of relationships. Also, the lady seemed to ‘fall’ in love with me, even on her strange way she demonstrated that and it was difficult for me, because it seemed as fun at first but the more time passed, it was obvious that in a way I can have temptations to use her and not really being the best of myself with her. I judged myself, her and I did not want to commit, so ended it. Interestingly from time to time this comes back at me and makes me wonder if it was a good decision or not, because I got the opportunity to create something and I was just not ready for that. I was so busy with the whole mind-stimulation with drugs and basically I was mind-possessed with self-interest. Years had to pass while I was able to walk through those patterns, but I see it now, I was able to see what I am doing, yet did not come up to fully conscious level, but enough to become uncomfortable of my own patterns.

What I see with not automatic ‘fall in love’ relationships is that it is also a work, a creation process – similar to go to a party without being drunk in a way – one has to be a bit more honest and a bit move oneself to really enjoy and get loose, it does not happen automatically.
Some are inhibited on the dancefloor, alcohol or drugs can help, but then it is kind of automatic, it is NOT SELF-DIRECTION. So it is disempowerment.
Not saying not doing it ever, away with the radical crap, just speaking of self-honesty, mano to mano with myself. It might be called a bridge once or twice, but beyond that it is called a crutch and kind of addictive.

In a way, within that recent relationship last year, it started with clear head but then I got attached to the idea of this being as a ‘clear head’ relationship, and then slowly but surely became a not so clear head one, when I started to see that it’s slipping away and I did not want it to let it go, I tried to work harder on keeping it, solving things, while was obvious that the other has no interest or capacity to work on this and I thus created the disappointment and loss experience. So loss experience is self-created!

It was very cool to realize later that it was probably gone way before I admitted yet I fought against facts and that made me feel and look even more desperate and powerless. That is an interesting point as well.
That is a sort of weakness because when my confidence breaks or shatters, I can have tendency to drop all around me and focus to myself to try to solve all the problems of the world – within myself, even though some the real problems are not within me.
The starting point is the opposite yet the visible result seems like total selfishness because all I seem to care about is how I feel, what I do or do wrong because I believe that it’s all on me, I made mistake, thus I have to fix it and then everything will be fine. Kind of like a martyr character.

It’s actually a good flag point when my confidence drops, what is the reason and is it valid? and the point is not to look at ‘how to restore confidence’ but rather to see what is the reason to doubt myself in the first place.

I have identified myself with the relationship itself and defined my stability according to it and when it was shaking, I felt my stability shaking too.

I still have dreams with that partner sometimes about letting her go or correct myself and it’s interesting to realize that what I think of the whole thing is that it was close to become a working relationship, although what I have to realize is that my hope made it seem to be close to that and when reality was not ‘there’, I glued it to be with my hopes and desires. Certainly the fake it until you make it here does not really work.

to be continued

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