Day 397 – Resistances, frustration

IMG_9045Resistances

Some resistances I am not aware of within. It’s not that tricky to see what’s inside myself as who I am in situations, but sometimes I am preoccupied.
Within those moments almost feels like everything is automatic, the current moments have been decided somewhere in the past and now I have to roll through and keep looking forward to spot opportunities when I have to move.

Moving meaning beyond this automatic framework of what I am doing in my current life.
It’s multi-faceded, because there are desires, plans, goals within and most of them are currently blocked by various reasons.
Not enough time, money, specific skills, opportunities or simply luck, thus I have to just keep looping with my currently created days. That’s the feel.

But it’s a trap of 22, because if I do not change, expand, transcend, my limitations will not fade, my resistances will not weaken, or maybe, out of ten one or two would, but still I would end up being extremely limited – in comparison to my potentials, plans and goals.

It is important not to get mesmerised by potentials of who I want to become and keep faking it in my mind while disregarding why here I am neglecting to acknowledge the reality and specificity of my limitations and resistances.

Naming the game really assists to get back to the ground, meaning what I want to achieve exactly, because then I will be able to assess or plan what has to be done.

Resisting to stick to a daily plan – often happens – but that’s the point – happens. For instance started learning piano with teacher. First weeks, almost every day it was natural to sit down and practise – now I have to decide – which evening I have to do – and sometimes, just as with most of commitments, there is resistance. With this, it’s rare but it is there.

Another example: I have decided to take ownership of an administrative role for a community’s website, because of my interest in community and land management. The point is – it’s really not that extremely difficult to do, but have to change configuration, installment and deployment scripts – this is what I do as daily job, so should not be difficult, but to take the decision of my free time is something I resist. It only needs to be done once, and from there this would be grand. But it’s still new and facing some frustration sometimes with it.

When I have difficulty with things what are not extremely important or considered as ‘default’ – I think I give into the temptation of inherent avoidance of frustration.

Thus today, let’s focus on this frustration trigger and being carried away from the original point.

This is why writing is relevant, practical and supportive – just look at the facts, reality, problem, let’s understand the dynamics.

Let’s build a simple timeline before applying self-forgiveness as practical awareness tool for self-correction preparation.

I do something new, difficult, complicated.
How I perceive progress is slow.
I want to be way beyond this problem as the excitement and rewards will come from steps beyond this point.
I want to be ahead, yet I am still here, trying to get passed by this problem here.
I make mistake, try something, doesn’t work.
I retry something else.
Still doesn’t work
I feel frustration.
I focus to frustration.
I become frustrated, physically and emotionally.
I am feeling resistance against do the thing.
I define the thing to be difficult.
I feel tired, no excitement, no energy high
I find applicable justifications to avoid commitment towards continuing this.
I really have no enjoyment doing it anymore.

At this point it depends on the importance of the thing.

If it is unavoidable, I just try to suppress reactions, frustrations until the last point when I find myself just exerting something, such as walking away, feeling needing time away.

If it is avoidable, mostly as it is a self-defined task, then I just postpone it for better times.

This is a really simplified example of what is called Mind Construct within the Desteni I Process online courses.

So we really go into the details and at each step honestly looking at what happened within me, while in reality, what was my reaction, where it came from and how I could do better.

Within this example I wrote, the website installment(moving from another provider to the one I rent), the practical steps are really easy, but will take time and effort. I do not want to do that, I just want to do it, get it done. That mentality might work when the tasks is to diswash or dig a hole in the garden, but when it’s complicated, needs deep and specific understanding, then I have to stop that ‘get it done’ mentality from reaction.

A key point – from reaction – because with that frustration energy, I am being stimulated to do it – with the definition and judgement of a state where this frustration is not existing – almost like a vacuum pulling me towards it to reach.

Although I create my experiences, reactions and directions, decisions and eventually all my actions – with this pattern what I manifest is that I am not directing, literally not being direct, the director, but I react in my mind, judge situations as positive and negative, compare with ideal or desired situations and based on that I create emotions, such as excitement, frustration.

There are areas in my life wherein I am really efficient preventing of such mentality, for instance driving – it’s a really strong decision – how I drive, almost like going into a different personality, where I simply never do that reactional pattern. I love to drive, something that simple.
There are difficult situations still, not technically about driving, but when slow and monotonic traffic, dangerous other people, etc – but still – I should learn how I am doing that discipline so then I can apply it in other aspects of my life.

I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the frustration and not realizing I am focusing to the reaction to a problem instead of the problem itself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and be honest with myself that I use frustration as energy source in my mind to feel the reaction, the inner movement, because in reality I am not moving, but standing at the same point and I am addicted to the reaction to movement, if it’s not real, then has to be self-created and within those moments not admitting, that I am not aligned with reality anymore, but still carrying on.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that frustration is a false ally and it’s energy is temporally and distractive, and extremely unfun, thus instead of falling into it, to see it as an indication point within my application that I need to slow down within and to see what practical plan I need to re-consider and apply here in this situation I am within – regardless of commitment, importance or interest – as it’s in front of me, if makes sense to do it or being supportive, I take responsibility and challenge.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of physical body awareness to notice the signs of frustration and reaction, such as tension in my chest, shallow breathing, not allowing my body to be relaxed, disregarding body needs such as hydratation, fresh air, short breaks, a sigh.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if something is not going well, I do not need to force myself with the ‘just frikin do it’, but I can break it down, I can ask for assistance, I can postpone it with self-trust, yet not to use frustration to avoid as an excuse to abandon something, because whatever I do not finish, it’s in a way staying with me, as memory, as potential, as fact.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of prioritization, wherein I focus to most important things to schedule for the day, and then doing them, yet still allowing to not to be exhausted with the honest asking – how much I can or want to do today and then doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I can feel automatic and monotonic for some hours, days, yet not considering to slow down within to see that there are thought-streams within me continuing to flow and as I am busy reacting, moving, I do not notice them, but once I slow down, stop, look inside – I can discover that oh crap, I used to have less backchat but now it’s on – and I should work with those patterns to disassemble and decompose, prevent and solve their origin issues.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not trust myself in the situations of frustration, maybe not even realizing, that I kind of trust myself by default, but at the same time I am returning to an automatic pattern for some reason of being uncertain, frustrated, unstable – and then I have to slow down and ask myself what is the real issue here.

For instance, with the website installment – now since 3 weeks it’s on me – there is no pressure, noone misses it, I hoped it would be easier to do, yet with one hour I could not solve it, so I decided to continue later, without specifying when, or giving myself a deadline, or a commitment.

So this is one point – I did not commit myself to do it – rather just ‘kind of would be nice’ – but with things more complicated than one or two actions, one has to plan, structure, organize and really take responsibility on.

So that’s what I am going to do.
Thanks for reading today, take care, enjoy breath.

As always, I can’t recommend enough Desteni I Process Online courses, (LITE is free), but there are a million other self-supporting blogs, sites online, such as EQAFE.com, Journey to life blogs of a lot of people sharing their realizations, struggles, honesty and dishonesty.

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