Day 393 – Disruption of consistency and breathing back to reality

DSC_0245Let’s see a point of disruption within consistency

I notice a self-dishonesty ‘going down‘ – which means I am doing something which of am realizing that it’s not supporting, based on self-interest or delusion, yet I am not stopping, forgiving, re-aligning and changing that.

That disrupts the built up consistency and self-trust. In a way it even contains shame and regret. But it’s all self-manipulation, because I see the choices, I make one based on understanding the consequence, which I will judge myself about.

Within that experience, a resistance to movement will manifest. A sort of doubt, a petrification.
In a way it is a bubble of excuse to keep walking and moving and I know it will dissipate, but in a way I count on it and while this bad phases out, I do not move, push, expand and stand up but to distract, entertain and suppress myself.

This is a tough point, because relates to several self-dishonesty points I return to participate within from time to time and I do not really like that.

Various strategies I can apply towards this, the most recent is to not look back, don’t try to analize, deduct or decompose, just keep looking forward, not judge myself, but keep moving, trusting myself that eventually I will get through and over this.
In a way it’s alright, but at the same time it’s kind of a bullshit, because here is no balance of looking at the facts without judging and getting reactive to understand versus keep moving forward within self-trust.

So it is an unworded doubt I see. I do not word it, because then I would be ‘judging’ but it’s infiltrating me.

This relates to why I did not write yesterday. Let’s not misunderstand, it’s quite alright if I do not write for one day, when it’s a decision, clarity within self-honesty and acting that – but when it’s not decided, it’s like I am being triggered to do or not do something, that is a problem.

Not because I am a control-freak mind-power-junkie, but because I am aware of that there is doubt and behind it there was a choice wherein I deliberately chosen self-dishonesty to apply, even when I knew that I would regret it, because I do not really want that to do, but in the moment and of reactions, I fell into this energetic state.

Sigh. Let’s list up the points to see what would be practical approach

to list up these situations and draw the trigger point – automatic reaction – predictable action triangle to these points, so I can predict consequence within awareness without using the mind, thinking and thus automatically reacting. It’s like learning who I am today objectively. Almost like clinical observation – cause and effect. It’s quite a challenge, but that’s where Desteni I Process course, support and community helps immensely. The tools and lessons, principles and techniques really help me to slow down, ground myself and re-align.

Recently I started to apply breathing a bit more actively than before – it’s still not a natural skill, sometimes doing, sometimes forgetting – but getting to the ability to push myself into breathing and presence – out from the mind. Even if it means as a bit more heavier, intense breathing. Not quite, but at the moment explaining with – clearing my head with pushing in oxygen. Of course, not to hyper-ventillate(breath very intensely and quickly for a while), because that would probably get me psychedelic experiences, but to simply bring myself back here.
It’s something to experiment with.
I used to believe and define that I am more aware if I always breath more slowly, but the thing is – it’s really contextual.

It’s not about how I breathe, but who I am within that and am I present or lost in the mind thought-emotion-reaction maze for seconds, minutes…

Presence and self-trust, self-honesty and consistency is really something what can be broken and diminished with losing presence by falling into the mind-maze, even for a second. Accumulation of that substantiation should not be underestimated, just as the lack of it too.

Back to the first topic – it’s almost like manipulating myself to justify stop moving and trying to ‘create time’ for the positive experience I create by defining moving and expanding as difficult, thus somewhat negative.
in fact, when walking through the bullshit of my self-creation, it might seem as negative, but it’s just what is here and how I defined it, and it might as well be that it’s indeed that crap, who I accepted myself to exist as, and now just starting to face and it’s tough. That’s why I avoided to face and transcend myself in the first place.

So that’s a relevant point in process to prepare – my own bullshit will be stinky and should never be any excuse not to keep walking through it.

Many people stop walking their process of self-realization by defining it to be too hard, intense, difficult or even impossible, start justifying by injecting blame, projection or any other mind-component, and it’s obviously self-dishonest.

So walking self-forgiveness on these two relevant points now.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop moving, expanding, applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment when I fall into a self-dishonest action by doubting myself, judging myself and feeling ashamed and projecting this self-judgement to my own process as being not good enough and not realizing that this very judgement is also self-dishonest and the practical common sense is to look at the point I fell with from presence and to apply self-forgiveness, understanding and to see how to support myself the BEST WAY POSSIBLE to prevent myself to do it again.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do something what I see as self-dishonest, not stopping it and not standing up immediately to do all I can to prevent myself falling into justifying to chose to do it again, then I am setting myself up 100% to do it again, thus re-creating the point, the self-dishonesty and the reaction of stopping to move myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practicality to push myself, move myself, direct myself to write down exactly the point I am facing and already knowing that I have tendency to fall into the temptation of doing it even when it’s obviously not supportive, and within that to acknowledge, there is a part of me what does not want to let this point go, does not want to change, and let go, because defining it as valuable, as myself, as feeling good and within that not realizing that it’s a mesmerizing short-term experience I try to bubble myself into, refugee myself away from the facts, reality and the responsibility waiting for me in each moments here equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I am holding onto within fear of loss is something literally holding me back instead of growing, expanding and birthing myself, thus it’s the best to word these fear of loss points and to see if it’s actually realistic fear or not.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose something because believing that if I would have to ‘be self-honest’ I could not enjoy myself, or I would have to refrain myself to enjoy something completely and within that not realizing that it’s not about what I do and how, but who I am within it and if something is absolutely abusive or harmful to do, then I am definitely in need to let that go and explore alternatives to express enjoyment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the ‘guilty pleasure’ for instance falling into self-stimulation and entertainment, consuming high-sugar contained food is for a positive experience in the mind to balance out the already self-accepted negative experiences, and the practical common sense is to face and deal with those in the first place and to see if there is substance within judging myself or my reality as bad, negative and why is that and what would be the solution for that within common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of change in relation to enjoyment as it would be a transition phase from mind-stimulation to actual physical movement and expression and during that transition phase it’s not cool as walking through the consequences of self-abuse, but it is crucial to realize that this is the only way, through HERE.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrupt my consistency of walking process when realizing that I am deliberately chosing a self-dishonest action due to the desire for indulgence to feel positive no matter what and within that not realizing that the positive experience is merely temporally and I will feel at least the same amount for negative once the stimulation stops, ending up feeling just as negative, thus longing for the next ‘positive experience fix’ within this time-loop until I really commit to stand up and change.

In regarding to this, the second point about breathing is to create and live in order to support slowing down within when the positive-negative mind-polarities would overwhelm with energetic experiences to the point of automatic actions.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the greatest gift existing in this world to me, which is the ability to become aware and keep being aware of my breath here, thus giving up all the thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions in the mind and stick to be constantly and consistently here, justified by the self-delusion that these things are to help and boost me, but in fact only sabotaging to walk through the shadow of me, the mirror of my beingness, the manifested consequences of my actions, the mind system, ruling me, owning and controlling me until I do not realize each and every bit of it’s details, causes and effects to be able to take responsibility to stick to true self-trust within each breath constantly.
  • When and as I am about to lose my presence, clarity and commitment to consistent action of self-honesty, I apply breathing, no matter what speed or intensity I decide, I trust myself, and I breathe, in and out, until my head is clear and empty and I can continue with expanding with self-trust.
  • When and as things seem to get complicated and I am being overwhelmed and tempted to start thinking, judging, comparing and self-defining, I breathe, in and out, here, feeling the body, presence, the physical, gravity and air and I consider what support and tool would be the best practical to apply, such as writing, communicating, planning or to do what action directly here.
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