380 – Discipline – Excuses and Standing up

P1020216Let’s continue with DISCIPLINE

I wrote last time the list of things I experience myself having lack of discipline.:

I was on a vacation recently and was looking at the word and action of it while I was out of my daily routines and responsibilities.

My realization is that I am easily able to compromise my discipline and self-integrity within any awareness of accepted self-dishonesty.
It’s reminding me to the whole positivity concept, that people focus on the positive only, thus they will attract only positive things. Yet, it’s easily breakable as one negative thought, emotion or experience can ruin the whole thing. That’s why people obsessed with positivity often simply avoid people whose life presents anything less than positive, as they fear – negativity is infectious.

Well, certainly there is truth within the experience of fallacy of positivity by ANY negative, because the whole positive thinking is basically what it’s called, the person surrounds and shields oneself with only positive thoughts, excluding and ignoring the negative.

Of course, both polarities are subjective, because the person decides what’s currently positive to them, and it’s a slippery slope, because it’s easy to get addicted to exclude, deny, avoid and ignore everything what do not make oneself great. In not the longest term, but on the momentarily experience level mostly. Because of the nature of positivity – one negative thought can ruin the whole thing, because it’s not real, not substantial, physical, thus can be changed, dissipated so easily.

So, my trust, the experience of integrity, and in a way even the expression of discipline is somewhat similarly constructed within my personality.

I can easily sabotage my trust and ability to discipline myself in regarding to anything, IF I am seeing that I did or still doing something what is not self-honest.

This also indicates that I see a problem, judge myself about it and identify myself as who I am, thus preconditioning the further acceptance of that particular self-dishonesty, which then upkeeps the sabotage of absolute self-trust, which by I am influenced and handicapped to apply so to speak ‘unbreakable discipline’. What I mean is that I do not allow to be distracted or tempted out from something I am disciplined to go through or do – but if I am not only accepting myself compromised, but also noting that I do not do anything about it, then I am allowing myself to be less than who I could be.

Without specificity I am being triggered by various topics and aspects of my life – why never occurred to me that my discipline, although seems auto-selective, it is in fact still decided by me, of when and how ‘firmly’ I am applying it.

For instance, if I am going to drive car- I have developed a really stable discipline in terms of conditions I am agreeing to drive car to be able to absolutely trust myself that I will do everything in my power to avoid any accident or harm. During the last years I have been very particular and meticulous about this and there is no compromise I allow there, none!

And this was a firm decision, which I never wavered yet from, and I trust.
Even if this means that at rare occasions I do apparently strange things, when about to drive yet I need a precondition for my safety, such as if I am too tired, I don’t mind to sleep 20 minutes if it helps, even if it’s during the day and seems weird, or drinking two coffees if that is required to be able to be totally present. Or spending more for servicing the car than people usually do to know what I can rely to and how much. Or going out alone in the night alone and practice a specific technique or learn techniques from ambulance instructors, professional drivers. This was a fear, phobia in my life until some years ago and I have transformed this weakness into a gift by dilligent and disciplined effort.

This is a great reminder to that even if I feel fallen within my self-honesty process in a given moment, it is not to allow or justify any more ‘fall’ and to see the values and living, practical examples of how I am standing up in practical action.

I often wonder about my life and others in sort of non-polarity-based comparison, without giving any positive or negative value to certain abilities or attitudes, skills.

Many people struggle with job and salary for instance, to find proper one or leave the constant worry of not being able to earn somehow – for me that’s never problem, due to my education, skills, profession and given, trusted and lived experience of that I can find job anywhere if required.

Some also could say I am lucky, and that means others are less lucky, but if I look at it, many decisions and actions I did in the past lead me to here, and how much real awareness was within those, I am not sure, but who I am today is certainly someone who do not need to worry about unemployment at the moment.

The whole process of finding a job, interviewing, showing my best to future employer prospect is also something I trust – and if I am not being hired to a position I applied to – it’s completely fine, I review my direction, my perceived and measured knowledge and realign accordingly.

Yet, if it comes to such word of DISCIPLINE itself, I can fall down into the self-judgement pipe so smoothly, just for instance, not writing this blog for some days, I start to build this dissatisfaction, frustration, and there is even some shame in that.

It would take about 15-25 minutes to write a blog, it’s not that requires special circumstance, after some years of doing it, I am able to sit down and directly walk a point’s understanding within me, so it’s not even about difficulty or perceived ‘depth’.

But if there is one excuse or justification to any self-dishonesty I notice within, then I tend to accept the next one and then the following a bit more easily, thus starting to slip. Not ‘directly’ willingly, just still a tendency, which needs to be corrected.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept self-dishonesty more easily once I realized I have allowed one and to slowly but surely slip into total self-abdication of responsibility without stopping, looking at excuses, consequences and practical action to re-align into self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I generalize within discipline, thus whenever I notice that I am not disciplined within something, I define that I am not disciplined, I have trouble with discipline, and not realize that my problem exists not with discipline, but within the specific word relationship in relation to the point I a facing and no matter how much discipline I have, if the point exists ‘before’ or ‘deeper’ than my ability and will to discipline, then until did not understood, forgiven and stopped the self-dishonesty about that point, then my discipline will be compromised.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that generalizing and falling into acceptance of self-dishonesty after another is excuse and justification not needing to move and stand up as I have allowed myself to define that my resources/energy are limited and thus it’s effort, something tiresome to MOVE myself out from self-dishonesty mind-state by stopping participating the point I already see that I am not applying what’s best in the context and location I find myself within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that even with one self-dishonesty I am accepting myself to punish and judge, shame and shatter myself completely, and within that not seeing that it is defeatism and also an excuse not to move and stand up unconditionally in each moment, but to justify it with that ‘I have fallen, fallen already, thus while I am down, it’s less problematic to allow self-dishonesty, as I would perceive my possibly only two states, such as’I am 100% self-honest, which I have to protect’, but once I lose it, I can accept any self-dishonesty, as I am already ‘fallen’, so from that absolutism point, I can’t fall down further, yet not realizing the nature and law of reality, which is accumulation by the simple math of 1+1=2.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame myself once I am allowing self-dishonesty, instead of being honest with myself that I do not enjoy this, I do not want this to happen, yet happened, so instead of punishing myself, I could apply that effort into practical solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the support within anchoring myself HERE in each moment and especially within moments of self-dishonesty realized, thus also realizing the tendency, desire and hope for no need to MOVE more, because from the self-acceptance state I allow to be identified with is still that it’s more positive if I focus on feeling good – and within that not realizing that I have defined as work, difficult, expensive(in terms of effort) to stand up to or prevent self-dishonesty and within that not realizing why, because I am not aware of the extent I compromise myself by justifications, such as ‘I have already fallen, I can’t fall more further’ – and not realizing that each action accumulates, thus the standing up to self-dishonesty as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not needing to move and stop patterns of my mind as easy, comfortable and not challenging and within that not realizing that each time I accumulate acceptance and ‘execution’ of self-dishonesty, I create more friction within, doubt and self-compromise, thus the discipline to say no before, and AFTER any self-dishonesty is crucial.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that specificity within discipline is really a decision to be made not once, twice, but within each moments, to stand, unwavering and to see the tendency of fallacy, the temptation and be able to word that as well, equally so the consequence if I’d make the decision to give up discipline or not re-aligning into it again, and thus to realize that I can will myself to be able to remind myself each time of temptation of giving up the specific discipline, that I keep standing, and also to be honest about what I truly seek, want, and within that to see who I am today and how practically I can work with myself, realistically.

This means that not to follow surreal expectations, to set up failure by default, for instance never to be distracted by thought, and then anytime I still would, to harrass myself, because I have fallen, so bad boy I am – this is not practical and realistic.

Thus to investigate my current state, location, conditioning and thus make a realistic plan, with accumulation.

Certainly there are things what are not like that, thus there is standing up or not binary state, for instance doing something really abusive – and it’s again about self-honesty to not to accept excuse and justification, such as ‘I used to be addicted to this thing, I want to stop, but for now I keep doing that thing, because I am so deep in the addiction, I must gradually stop.
It might work sometimes, such as one decides to stop smoking cigarettes – all of a sudden stopping it, or first reducing and then keep reducing until reaching zero? It’s a decision one has to see and decide, and actually try.

I still have tendency to resist what does not seem easy in any way whatsoever, although the uneasy point I can face easily can be somewhat of a construct of self-dishonesty, which can be understood and self-forgiven, and voila, I am free to move.

I used to have this resistance towards driving car, learning martial arts or even learning music – so scary, I could cause horrible accident or I would become too powerful and I could accidentally hurt or kill someone, or it is too complicated and takes too much time – and not realizing that these are excuses.

That’s why it’s invaluable to walk Desteni I Process – as one might know already the extent and even specific examples of accepted self-dishonesty, but this course, as it’s designed, it’s structured and in a way measurable one’s progress within, walked with a buddy, who already made the course and walked similar path, thus can cross-reference and serve as a more objective anchor point back to reality, from the sometimes dense forest of justifications, excuses, projections and blames.

Nowadays with driving, I am more comfortable and it’s no shame if I need to adjust the expression – for instance if I feel that I need to go slower or I need to rest, safety is first – and within that I find my discipline, as decision unwavering and this supports self-trust, and if I can do this in this aspect of my life, then certainly I can explore how to do in other aspects of myself as well.

Even if the motivation within it is fear of horrible consequences and responsibility for it, in itself the fear becomes irrelevant as I keep moving and preventing, expanding and growing with the principle of what is best for all in the context of my reality.

And just as with the martial arts, I was a bit jumpy in my mind when I was a child, if I got this angry rush within, I felt uncontrollable, and that was scary – and I resisted to learn any martial arts, yet once I pushed through that resistance, with the actual learning of martial art, I learned the skill of disciplining myself not to fall into this uncontrollable emotional rage within – thus it was actually great support to learn to tame myself.

Same with music – needed to reach out, having now teacher, practising every day a little, accumulates slowly but surely to where I want to be, which I am not sure of exactly, but I just discipline this walk as long as it fits and I trust myself in that.

So what I am going to focus to is to gather action points in relation to discipline:

  • whenever I realize self-dishonesty, I remind myself – this does not give free ticket for another self-dishonesty, I realign to self-honesty completely, any justification comes to not to do so, it’s temptation, which I stop
  • whenever I worry that I am not discipline enough about something, I realize that I am not motivated, by myself directly and within that unconditionally, and to look at what is the reason why to be able to deal with it
  • whenever I feel struggling to discipline myself with something, it’s resisted, keep falling – I look at the point I am facing, what is the construct within, the memory, the fear and I realize, its not discipline itself the problem, but my relationship with the point I accept.

 

Dictionary often refers to DISCIPLINE as something not so pleasant, such as obey or control in difficult situations, related to knowledge and rules.

What is my definition of it, with I can support living the word within self-honesty?

Discipline is the action born from a decision to remain unwavering within challenging situations, wherein I could be tempted or justified to give up, give in, yet I keep standing, re-aligning, correcting and thus expanding within self-knowledge in a practical, situation-specific manner.

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