Day 369 – Illness and Breath

P1010735I am going through a flu-like mild illness right now. I was exhausting myself deliberately and it did not make sense but as always – the body can’t escape from consequences.

My last flu was quite a blast with enormous headache and in comparison to that, this is rather an uncomfortable yet not that brutal one. Still, it’s characteristic is present the same way, thus I can observe and so to speak intervene with it’s most prominent effect, which is how I am related to breathing in terms of awareness.

The question always comes to me in the moments when I feel that I have difficulty to be aware of the breath, to do full breath – into chest, stomach, not superficial, but a deep one – without exaggerating, while I am not chasing or being chased by thoughts, emotions and feelings.

This time I felt like I am missing all the breaths one by one and it felt exhausting, almost like a semi-sleep, dazed state.

I had the sense that this illness will stay until I do not breathe through it ‘properly’. And then also had the impression that if I can remain present, awareness within each consecutive breath, then I will heal much faster.

Then I realized, I probably would have not even got sick if I would keep the awareness and the self-expression of breathing within presence in a consistent manner, thus to avoid the ‘expensive’ and body-and awareness exploiting busy and distracting mind-work.
But I got hooked on stimulation, intensity, I was preoccupied and distracted from my breathing self presence awareness, into the mind, energetic experience, in a way similar ‘high’ experience than drugs induce, but with my thoughts, feelings and emotions, reactions and stimulations.

Also, as I was tired and exhausted, well, because of that, I got into the stimulation re-creation cycle and I got even more exhausted, putting my body to the point of being vulnerable to illness.

It’s interesting to see, there was a moment of self-blame, but then realized, this is here now, no escape, the question is that will I do it again, when the storm is over?
Not the first time I realize this, yet I did it again – I got exhausted to the point of getting sick. Each time I do it, I focus on understanding more on this mechanism, thus I can re-commit and re-align to see what I can do to prevent myself making the same mistake again.

This breathing awareness is something I am not directly connected with yet – sometimes feels like a thing, which is huge, like a whale, takes time to start moving, sometimes even days and I used to accept this, so on my ‘less breathing aware days’, just to wait out to the cycle to turn to the more ‘aware’ days.

But it is definitely a self-dishonesty, because it is not self-direction, I am disempowering the decision, the action and accumulation of directly breathe, bring myself back each time I skip one.

Always easy to find excuse why not to, like being in a busy in the work moment and needs to focus to the job, or driving high-speed on highway, no time to breathe, it’s like there is still in effect of an inherent, almost instinct-like habit of relying to the thinking and reacting mind, instead of full presence.
There is a change however, I see it through within situations when things get strife and dense, for instance on the high-speed highway taking over moments when skill and discipline is crucial – I find myself to directly breathe, like literally blowing out the air with focus and physical feel – that becomes a way, day by day more and more to bring and keep myself present and with empty mind face and deal with real time situations.

That aspect of me, within that apparently tiny area I find infinity and limitlessness, thus true freedom, because the more breath I ‘spend’ within direct awareness, keeping not to rely to my mind, the more I directly and exponentically birth myself here in and as the physical as truly living life ‘itself’. Sounds very poetic, but for the time being, this is a cool compass to consider.

No need to get obsessed with the ‘undefined’ itself, because then that is also an indication of escaping from already manifested self-consequence, programmed mind, and it causes self-disempowerment, as not taking responsibility for the patterns I already constitute.
That’s how I got hooked on spiritual meditation and psychedelic drugs back then, with those, I learned to stimulate and manipulate my mind to re-create specific blank or energetically ‘high’ states in order to be able to learn to be specific and effective to deal with certain situations.
However, the trap was that with certain situations I unconsciously chose to suppress, deny, distract from, thus many real life problems I had, did not get solved in time, and I was not expanding within understanding or solving those points, because I have mastered meditation to any time balance out my mind, stop the overwhelming tension of real world problems, but it was just a well-constructed bubble, what always did burst and I was facing the situations with a mind which I just proven not to be able to solve things with.

Not that the mind itself is bad, but if I do not understand what is the mind, what is not, what is not effective, what is not self-honest, then I keep blaming and postponing, escaping and denying until there is no escape, and then I obviouly will not have neither the understanding or skills to deal with the problem, but only the tendency to fall back to the patterns of denial and procrastination – to timeloop, just accumulating more manifesting – and often irreversible consequences.

And breath is key to bring back myself here, just as equally the words I think, say and act as well.

There are a lot of things I literally procrastinated about my breathing to take responsibility for and this flu-like illness reminded me that with dedication and discipline, applying the desteni tools, I can decompose and change – and I have imagination and glimpses of experiences of what I can be capable of if I could remain present all the time – but the real deal is probably much more than I ever could imagine. Thus, without desire or too much imagination, rather to walk it, every day and to see what I can become with self-honesty as a compass, self-forgiveness to understand consequences and prepare the change and self-commitment to live that every day.

I close with self-forgiveness about breath

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wake up as breath, as moment as breath, and thus having the starting point as mind for the day and accept that for all the moments of the day without realizing the direct and specific reason or reasons for falling out from self-trusting, whole, present self-direction and self-movement.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that only using the breath, breathing ‘fully’, when feeling too much falling into the mind and losing direct connection with presence and awareness, and thus only using it to balance myself out being inbetween the total being lost in the mind and somewhat being aware that I am not present, thus create cycles and loops and to justify with specific things of why I accept it and thus limit myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the simplicity and effectiveness of consistent writing and voicing self-forgiveness together to become aware all the patterns I accept to justify not being aware of each breath equally, such as worry about money, desire after partnership and sex, success and doing something for the betterment of the world and within these specific self-created and accepted distractions, not to decompose to the point of seeing the origin point, the trigger point, the specific words, reactions and the nature of the self-dishonesty, the mind component and construct within absolute specificity, in order to assist and support myself to stand up and stop the negligence of my potential and life essence as breath and awareness and responsibility to birth.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the effectiveness of active sessions to do regarding to my mind’s usual habits, to deal with them in order to liberate myself and my breath from the preoccupation of thinking and reactional, energetic mind-patterns.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within each day not to accept any excuse within applying the desteni tools, no matter what is the circumstance, and if I accept it one day, it accumulates to the next day to accept again until manifesting the negligence of self-honesty so long that I literally lose my awareness and start re-creating the old patterns of chasing self-interest only to the point of manifesting something what is so uncomfortable, can be illness, disappointment, failure, a fall, that then I would be able to breath through the delusion through manifested consequence to realize that I was not honest to myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become passive in relation to how I allow to be changed in breath awareness, to allow my mind, circumstances and conditions to define and limit how I am breathing and not considering the common sense to investigate, decompose and change these patterns I constitute.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can focus and discipline myself to learn what is that I accept to distract and justify to remain separate from my breath here to see where in my life about what I have to take responsibility within practical action, to structure and plan, prepare and live the change I find liveable.

A point of daily writing is what I re-establish and sharing it, without judgement, without fear, without desire and without any need of perfection or any goal beyond being honest to myself to share what is the current day I see, realize, understand and work with.

Thank you, Desteni I Process, it is a life savior online course, enjoy and share!

This is an invaluable description of the process and practicality of living self-honesty:

 

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