Day 353 – Relationship mind decomposition

IMG_0696Continuing from my last post, to decompose my submissive and insecure attitude towards relationships based on worry. This post became a bit longer, but certainly helps me to understand the specificity of what and how to change.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within any relationship with anyone, I am extending my already existing and self-created, self-accepted definition of and approach as Relationship to live and within that not realizing that whenever I have difficulty, conflict and problem within relationship with someone, it is to check, is there any self-dishonesty about my starting point to the Relationship, specifically my own relationship with myself and the word relationship itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as unpredictable, uncontrollable, difficult to define/control or understand, – in overall, as believing that I am best and simplest, easiest and more natural with myself only, and whenever I RELATE – it’s something added onto it already, which can make it heavier, complicated, vague, untrustworthy and difficult and within that not realizing that whatever I add, associate to, relate with and I am not exactly, specifically aware of, then there is something unconscious manifestation I accept to influence and control me without knowing how and thus also being unaware of to see: is it supportive or not, self-honest or not, and thus making me not being the directive force in my life, also not being certain that if I do the best possible approach, and thus giving space to accept and allow doubt and distracting emotional reactions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I am actually aware of that I am uncertain on my own approach to things, relating to anything/anyone, yet not focusing, opening up, seeing, realizing and understanding it with absolute specificity, but rather reacting with emotional charge, which then I fuel into trying to balance out with suppression and ‘experience it’ as control from my mind, which then projecting out to others as believing that they try to control the situation and ME – thus unconsciously desiring for, accepting want more control, to take initiative, to take over, to dominate with a self-convinced belief that it would be the best, yet when it’s about action, suddenly I am not being sure, not opening up, not communicating and thus not solving in action: manifesting another layer of reason to give into self-judgement and doubt and completely missing the original point: suppression and fear of mistake, failure, fear of loss.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that others want to control me, direct me, influence me and within that generating fear and resistance to hear them, embrace them and see situation and others as equals as constantly trying to balance out a fear of being controlled, projecting out that the other is trying to control me, instead of realizing that it is all happening within my own mind: I submit to my own mind’s movement, judgement, conviction, yet I also resist it as somewhat seeing that it’s not right and within that experiencing submission to fear of being controlled and believing that the other person creates this and accepting to trigger to experience insecurity within by the projection/perception of ‘they’ attempt to control me, which then manifests as self-dis empowerment.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to control the relationship with another, because perceiving that how the other approaches does not/will not work, and I have to ‘save it’, otherwise it will fall and within that arrogance/act of superiority/savior – not realizing that it’s projection, compensation for the self-accepted experience of doubt, feeling of being controlled and the experience of insecurity and self-dis-empowerment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I only can be controlled by anything or anyone for what I give permission to and within that not realizing that indeed I have tendency and automatic, unconscious behavior of submission into a relationship with someone based on that original perception and fear of that the other is controlling/dominant, meanwhile in fact I only submit into my own mind experiences, thoughts, feelings and emotions, and denying responsibility, projecting it out to someone or something else and within that not realizing that I give my power away.(‘they do this to me’ — instead of ‘I create this experience this and that way’)
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within relationship, in order to work, I have to give up part of myself, as believing that the another also has to give up part of themselves, kind of a mutual compromise in order to ‘meet at half way’ and thus to create this perceived ‘equality’ and not realizing that what I perceive as giving up ‘part of myself’ is self-dishonest, based on fear, yet I experience it like as a sacrifice to the ‘altar’ of ‘relationship’ and not realizing how twisted and self-dishonest this whole approach actually is, because it’s becoming about who gives up enough/more and not about how to assist and support ourselves and each other with what’s practically liveable mutually.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the very moment of moving my focus/responsibility/direction outside of me here within action, this ‘act’ of relating within ‘relationship’, the very essence of attempt of connect is where I must explore more to see/realize and understand each and every single definition, association, feel, sense of, intuition and any kind of not exact, clear and specific understanding of what I am doing; as whenever I relate, connect and thus form any kind of relationship, because this ‘lean’ from PRINCIPLE as SELF AS LIFE towards ‘projecting what others do to me’ means giving up into a compromise for a value of an experience/delusion bubble, just not to need to take the courage to own my experiences and responsibility, and not realizing that this delusion will not last and within that not realizing what lasts as solution: action towards what’s practically best for all participants.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed to have uncertainty, doubt, insecurity within any relationship I form with anything or anyone without being aware of it, and if I would really look at the specific relationship in it’s context, I would discover and reveal, become aware of and understand that there is doubt and insecurity already associated, involved with my participation automatically and by accepting this doubt and insecurity, I accumulate more doubt and more insecurity, instead of standing up and letting all go and stick to physical, cross-reference-able facts and practical common sense to see what’s real about any source of doubt, and within that to realize how can I stop it, re-align myself to facts, thus start trusting myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I have failed all of my previous partnerships/relationships, because they all ended and if one is not ‘stands’ ‘forever’/’until death’, then it means it did not work well, thus was not good enough; I was not good enough, thus I have to be better, and not focusing on the how and why, but to the experience and judgement of ‘failure’ and ‘not good enough’, instead of realizing that practicality means facts, common sense, ground to earth action – as only that can bring solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mesmerized by my mind, fear, petrification of worry and doubt, insecurity and uncertainty to the point of losing awareness of practical common sense, stick to actions, facts, physical reality about how a relationship can be supportive and liveable mutually – instead of within these moments, when these worries would overwhelm me, to support myself to breathe, slow down within, forgive myself and re-align back to earth, literally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not named all scenarios of doubting myself and relationship with someone and describe the trigger point, my judgement, reaction specifically, so then I can really start working on them, each with real time application.
  • I forgive myself that I have not worded down, named and uncovered, understood all of the doubt, self-judgement points, scenarios, memories and thought-patterns within myself, because if I would, I would have to realize the extent of self-delusion, the gravity of the situation of my self-dis-empowerment, which then I would worry that then I would judge myself more extensively, thus I would dig myself deeper within self-pity, self-doubt and self-dishonesty and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that no matter how dire the situation is, the first step towards solution is ALWAYS to directly face, understand it as clearly as possible and meanwhile committing myself not to judge myself and to see that it might be difficult, but it’s the only way to freedom and change, which I really want, always wanted and in fact it is always one breath and action away.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if two people can’t continue together and they split, that does not mean it was total failure, a defeat, but it’s opportunity to re-consider and to realize mistakes, NOT to judge, but to bring all back to self and to commit myself to correct myself, to do not make those mistakes again – and do not fall into doubt and worry, but to accumulative practical actions, if necessary, write lists: “about these points I did good”, “those I did not good” – why? – how? If I can ask the other, to be honest, can be supportive, but if other does not wishes to, I also can ask someone else to talk with and to see it more objectively.

Where the control/submission point can comes in?

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to control things/myself/other within relationship, otherwise it would not work, or I could not trust the relationship and/or the other participant, because what I have concluded is that the other does not know or does not care about what I see as ‘not going well’ and within that not realizing that I give into fear, fear of loss and start acting upon it, instead of stop my emotions before communication and to become specific of what I accept/expect within relationship, starting to live that with and as self and thus to give what I’d like to receive within the relationship as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if there is no communication within the relationship, then I should fear of losing it, I should start defining it as ‘falling’, and thus defining myself as failure and not realizing that it’s not about the relationship with the other actually, but who I accept myself to be with myself – when I keep wanting to relate, rely to, to have, to own, to cling onto and control something, otherwise I would feel myself alone, lost, incomplete, weak.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up communicating, sharing points I see within relationship to perfect, to improve, when after one or several attempts my experience is that the other does not hear, listen or care and not realizing that to give up without and before trying different ways, tone, wording, medium or approach is giving up on myself and manifesting as suppression, instead of realizing that to stick to principles I commit myself to live, here such as keep specifying, finding approach to reach the other with my communication if I see that it’s really important for the other to become aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself if I stand alone as incomplete, weak, unable to experience, give/receive love/care/share and within that defining it as hollow, bad, avoidable, something to not like, resist and wanting to avoid by forming and maintaining relationship with someone else, separate from me, through desire/attraction/love/ideas/images/value/sex, instead of realizing that I can learn and expand, discover and live strength, courage, soothing, and to be wholesome directly and walk my process of self-forgiveness and self-correction to be able to really explore what these word mean in practical action as living self-love, regardless of anyone or anything in this world.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have the tendency to forget that I have defined myself as not nice, unattractive, weak and not stable enough, not valuable and untrustworthy by and as myself directly; each of these to have specific memories and experiences to ‘back it up’ and not realizing within each of them I was wrong, had no support and I was distracted by reactions to fear and insecurity as I was not body/presence/physical/practicality-aware, and thus today, here, realizing that’s the direction I should take each time of doubt/self-judgement I discover building up/acting out within myself: to stop defining myself with negativity and to embrace myself and stand up that this is who I am with self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the idea and action of self-love as believing it to be selfish, it would mean to only care about myself, to exclude others and think that I am superior, instead of realizing that self-love does not mean to not be able to love others, but actually if I can’t love myself, who I am the closest with all the time, how could I imagine or actually do love others?
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to assist and support myself within self-honesty, to stop listening to self-judgments, thoughts, feelings and emotions within self-suppression and standing up to start applying practical common sense is practical self-love and until that I do not live it here within consistency, then any idea or decision of love I try to apply towards others will be the same way flawed as I am not yet living the self-love, as within it is without, and thus not realizing that to resist to find out what it means to live self-love is to resist to actually love anyone equally – therefore process starts here with self to stop self-judgement and start self-honesty with practical self-acceptance, self-love and self-support within action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can love others, while not loving myself and defining the two to be different things, instead of realizing that love is in the form I have imagined, defined is self-deception, self-suppression and self-distraction and there can be only one love, which is: what is best for all, including myself, as all as equal in the flesh, meaning lived within practical and measurable action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compensate the lack of love, which manifested within my mind and words, action and direction as self-judgement, self-hate, shame, self-denial, self-doubt and self-suppression with trying to love other, believing that it is altruistic, benevolent and creating projection through mental and emotional separation as an attempt to experience to be whole and loved and within that not realizing that in this way, the only way I can experience to be complete through my mind, in relationship with something or someone separate from me, which is self-slavery, because my mind always have to move, define, judge, compare, think, feel and react IN RELATION to the self-definition of LOVE projected out, otherwise I ‘fall back’ into the experience of original state, what I accept, suppress and distract myself from, which is exactly the lack of self-love, the opposite of self-love: to accept living in fear and self-interest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the fear of not being loved I actually point back to and manifest myself not being able to love, here love, meaning as assisting and supporting within self-honesty to stop fear and delusions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the opportunity, ability and actual direction to unify myself and decompose my refractions I exist through and as my mind to realize: I forGIVE myself to bring back all here as Self to stop accepting experiences through energetic reactions to specific words, to stop the cycle one by one, starting with: love, relationship, sex, value, complete, perfect, security, courage and trust, wherein recognizing the common sense to stop depending to live, be and express these words to others but to find who I am AS these words here without fear, without polarity or emotion.
  • I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand why I did not learn to directly express without doubt the words I described before, such as love, relationship, security, trust, courage, etc as believing, accepting the brainwashing, cultural imprinting that I need someone for these to experience and become and not realizing that I rather can/should live these words and share and extend them to live with others within equality and oneness.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the word sex as something as not ethical or cool to openly talk about or focus to, such as what it would mean to live sex in relation to self and feel awkward and not be honest about it with myself that it simply means to stop the mind-related/influenced sex, and to only move with direct/physical/self-honest sex, meaning no images, expectations, judgement, no mental stimulation, but direct action, to enjoy, express, regardless of being alone or with other to share and be absolutely specific and disciplined about it, otherwise I would create experience of separation, dependency, expectation and disappointment, manifesting into shyness and shame.

The approach on understanding self sometimes almost seems like trying to understand someone else’s point, situation, actions – which is by the way, also a good technique to develop practical awareness in relation to others, so to speak: compassion: I can apply forgiveness as them, as myself, as how I would approach to expand my awareness if I would be in the person’s shoes.

In a sense, as I discover myself – I have to realize – I do not yet know myself in depth, but with Self-forgiveness, I am walking that process, word by word.

Why would I do like that? Because I start with the realization that I do not fully understand how I behave and why exactly, thus, it’s an investigation. It’s borderline tough and creepy when it sinks in: I thought that I know why I do what, but when it’s about something I screw up, make mistakes, cause conflict or bad consequences – I gotta admit – I am responsible and the question is that Am I going to do what’s necessary to correct myself before doing it again?

It’s not a shame, not many people admit that they are not fully aware of how and why they feel/think or do things, but if they would be honest about it with themselves, they also would admit: it’s actually a big problem as causes inner conflict, doubt, lack of efficiency, etc.

And within walking points – if I am not sure about something, maybe it’s complete self-made up what I experience or convinced myself of, maybe I will actually open up myself to understand more – I have to be aware of all participation within my mind, from smallest to the whole scenario and within participating in the actual situation – and I will be able to see: what’s really happening, what I thought in that moment was not right, I was justifying, hiding, projecting, blaming or giving into temptation of distraction for instance, thus I really need to specify to really understand the situation.

Also – everyone is other me in another life, so in this sense – any forgiveness is only real when it starts with self-forgiveness. How could I forgive to anyone but self?
Even if I say that ‘I forgive you’ – it’s really about my relationship existing within me – and acting out towards you – sure, it’s relevant step within any relationship to be open not to hold scar on if the other makes mistake, but also to work on preventing those, otherwise forgiveness does not work, it’s not real. And then the person, who did the actual harm has to start with self-forgiveness. So if someone did actually hurt me, not only I imagined, projected out of what I created in my mind – what it means to forgive? To really prevent happening again.

And if there are things what can not or should not be really forgiven – if someone would deliberately harm me or anyone around me – that’s maybe done, I do not need to forgive anything for myself about being more clear on that this person must be avoided or even possibly locked away. What’s best for all participant is always obvious – and if I don’t see what is it – I am maybe distracted with my reactions, what then I have to stop first to really see.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in emotional reaction, fear, hate of something I experienced as negative and thus can’t go forward with my life; even, when the experience I defined as bad or harmful is not present anymore, as I would keep reacting to, looking for signs of it and thus re-and re-living it in my mind within fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to be cautious and almost like paranoid of things what I experienced as bad before, to keep an eye for signs to avoid them and meanwhile accepting fear, worry, anxiety and insecurity as feeling that I can’t control it, I can’t lock the bad things out 100%, thus feeling vulnerable, powerless and doubtful and within that not realizing that if I would first stop the emotional reaction, fear with applying self-forgiveness, bringing myself back to physical presence and applying self-corrective statements to accumulate self-direction, then I would be able to see facts more clearly to finally see what’s the reality here and what I should actually do or prevent, if that can be applied, and also to realize what I can’t control and the only thing I can support myself within this is to develop and accumulate, express and live self-trust and practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that in order to become able to trust myself, I have to accumulate things with what I can literally ‘gain’ my trust, meaning to build it up, from the location, situation and reality I find myself within to start take direction and step by step learning and understanding myself to be able to handle, support and direct, if necessary: change myself and within that to trust this process of self-realization.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the relationship with myself is determining of who I am and how I experience, perceive and react to everything and if there is inherent or subliminal, obvious or hidden doubt within me, that’s something I have to take responsibility for and stop participating within by becoming aware of it’s details, specifics and to see it’s core and to apply self-forgiveness to GIVE myself an opportunity to stop and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that not wanting to face myself, to see myself, to be with myself alone, totally open, absolutely naked from any thought, feeling or emotion, memory, image or energetic experience and to feel, to experience, to be with myself, because of the specific experience and knowing I do not feel comfortable to be aware of and within that not realizing that because of this resistance, I am accepting and allowing it, not standing up to it and this is the submission I give into, manifesting my mind over me and allowing it to be existent within all relationship I participate within and not realizing that I make the problem actually bigger than it is.
  • I forgive myself that I have not wanted to admit, see and realize that the big problem I have seen within myself and always wanted to solve, to transcend I still accept every day and forgetting to face, study, work with for many many days until I do self-investigation and it surfacing up again and to see – I am still festering about this point of inner, deep, core experience of when I let everything go and to try to be with myself without anything, dropping all act and perception and then this resistance kicking in and I can’t ‘loosen myself into’ the simple experience of complete presence with and as myself here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have the tools, support and ability to transcend and forgive anything and everything within me, if I make the decision to really walk through and all the signs are here that with this embracing self directly point I have not yet been deciding to really forgive, because of the perception that it’s too deep, hard, I am not yet ready or I should just wait or hope that this will be solved somehow, but actually I know, always knew that this is what I have to do  directly, with awareness of specificity and absolute commitment, to stop fearing from facing and embracing, being and expressing myself unconditionally.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to submit into experiences and resistances, as within those to find an experience of peace and order, meaning not feeling intensity and unpredictability and not realizing that intensity comes from fear from unpredictability and insecurity, due to self-suppression and not standing up as life.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing and allowing to be myself and fear that if I do not hold myself back by knowledge, personality definitions, morality, then I would become a demon, an uncontrollable, unpredictable, fearless, compass-less creature of absolute carelessness and not realizing that I defined my mind to protect me to go beyond self-limiting self-definition as fear of unknown, fear of self.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I let go fear, then I would become careless and selfish, meaning not to consider others, but only my interest and within that not realizing the absurdity of defining fear as equal with care and the extent of self-compromise I accept in order to protect my self-acceptance within fear without understanding, or the want to understand of why, because then I would actually realize that it’s not true/real/self-honest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I relate to others, if I see fear within them, I want to relate with them with also accepting fear, as then there is this common ground, a mutual experience with what I can relate and within that not realizing that without fear I think I can’t have compassion and within the experience of fear I relate, thus try to believe that if I experience the same thing: fear, then I can understand them more and that would be compassion and not realizing that no matter what I define of why I accept fear – it is the fact that I accept fear within myself and however I justify it, it’s an energetic addiction, which what my mind and body got hooked on and without it I feel and believe that I can’t move or be, even if I do not admit it to myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical solution to develop self-presence without fear with actual sessions, practices, time and structured action to do with myself as to regularly be with myself without doing anything, but to just be and let all go and accept and have the courage to embrace myself and whenever it’s becoming difficult or resisting it, to apply self-forgiveness and make notes on what works, what not, what comes up, what I walk through, what is difficult and then to solve that first, then continue and to develop the skill, the ability and natural expression of be with myself with discipline, presence and unconditional self-acceptance while working with real time points within moments, with others and within communication.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can work all the time in the world on the relationship with myself and others of what I do not have or not being aware of but the only way that I am really going to support myself is to de-compose the relationship I find as self-dishonest from within and at the same time to CREATE a relationship with myself and others, which is self-honest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the simplicity of creating a supportive relationship with myself and others without submission and control, which is to be honest and communicate about what I want, what I do not want and to see what’s practical, what’s not, what’s acceptable within self-honesty, principle as life, and what’s not and if I still hold onto something what I honestly see as not supportive, then I assist and support myself with the tools of self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to prepare myself to live that change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do lie to myself, I am going to project out things to others and not even going to become aware of it, because: I lie to myself, thus whatever I tell to myself of how I feel, what I perceive: cannot be trusted – in a way I also lie to others without realizing – thus the insecurity, the doubt, the fear – and within that to realize, I gotta be brutally honest with myself and face the facts, no matter how strange, difficult it seems, and within that ‘inventory’ – not to judge, of whatever I find within, just to make sure not to give into any desire or fear to suppress or accept as knowing: this is now inventory time, not ‘reaction mind’ time, but as step for solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself of what I miss, what I want in this life and to sugarcoat or demonize points based on polarity, morality, culture and not realizing that polarity and morality cannot be trusted as those are relative and aspects and results of self-interest and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I rely to anything outside of self and self-honesty, such as polarity, morality, culture, that is the clear sign of I do not trust myself, thus I require re-alignment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that Principled Living I was resisting to consider and develop and live, because believing that principles are limited, and thus I would also become limited and within that not realizing that principles are also reflections, thus if my Principle is embracing and entailing, including and considering ALL as equal as one, then that Principle is not limiting, but supporting.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the support I can apply to myself with defining and applying principles to bridge myself through temptations of doubt, fear, suppression and insecurity wherein I clearly know and have to admit that I can’t – yet – trust myself within this point, thus I stick to principle, no matter what, until I stand unconditionally, for instance when giving into worry, an unrealistic worry, a really uncontrolled worry of something I do not want to see happening, and I would become reactive, emotional, distracted and consumed by the emotion and fear, instead of looking it practically to see what I can actually do to prevent it and stick to do that.

So in this sense – it’s to let go past and live in the present and to anchor myself to directly create or walk towards a somewhat certain – and supportive for all participants – future in physical action.

This is why I am grateful that I finally sit down with ‘relationship‘, the word itself. It literally permeates everything, thus it’s a primary responsibility to become aware of what I associate and react with any type of relationship I open up to, establish or participate within.

Potential continuation from here:

  • Suppression vs courage with responsibility
  • dis-empowerment vs confidence with understanding

Understanding the layers of the mind:

EQAFE series of education about the human mind consciousness system:

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