Day 338 – Energy craving – darkness within

IMG_3378While I am expanding, growing and exploring what it means to really live, I have some areas within I experience resistance from within.

What’s behind that is actual lack of skills and energetic resistances to do things to move forward, and for an aspect of me, who accepts, identifies self with safety, stability and predictability to be able to specifically distract, stimulate, ‘bridge’ through the perceived ‘difficulties’ with these feelings, energetic reactions – I must have to be aware of the triggering points for these energetic resistances – and the difficulty arises from not being honest about them(myself), thus accepting them as ‘with me, as me’, because not seeing the real self-sabotage manifesting here.

Thus to be brutally self-honest is supportive here. Brutality: meaning no mercy to sugar-coat of what I see I participate within, yet nothing judgmental or emotional charge is necessary – that I refer as radical – there is no middle ground on this: am I self-honest with myself, or I am not, in this moment, here.

That is all where I can apply unlimited, uninhibited, unrestricted responsibility, power and direction. Here, in relation to self, in this moment. Everything else is mind-construct in a way, when I move, direct and express.

And that movement – or lack of it – will manifest consequences accordingly.

Now I see that many of my mind/personality patterns are just like cute colorful tiny fishes swimming around but in the deep cold and dark – there are these total self-consuming energetic addictions, what are pulling the strings, to just cover away that I resist to face mistakes, or cause consequences, fear of not being a nice guy, good enough, liked, etc. – but once I’d name those – I can actually be able to deal with of them each – so in a way also an unconscious resistance to become able to change – not wanting to give up what I perceive currently as somewhat valuable/comfortable/predictable/stable.

Actually everything is very simple and if I get complicated, it’s a system, which I somewhat deliberately ‘summon’ to hide behind, use as excuse, so to break it down, decompose, debug and name the game is the common sense.

Darkness here I refer to as being consumed by self-interest. Let me clarify: worry and hypnotic petrification by fear of loss or fear of change: if I really look at it within myself – it’s also self-interest.

It’s also about practical common sense, for instance when I see a tiny child being afraid and crying and confused and obviously suffers – is that her/his responsibility – or the parent’s, others all around living in such a system what manifests lack of care, respect and compassion?

As the child grows ‘upwards’ – when is the ‘point’ from where the becomes responsible, thus parents/system/world/society/school/politics/religions/etc should not be the one to ‘blame’?

I had my own ‘shit gets real’ moment when I put my hand to my great-grandfather cold and dead body, laying on the table. Parents tried not to allow this to happen, but actually it was supportive – I have realized an important limit, thus I started to consider what to do with my life, well, before I end up dead as well.

For me that was the point when I realized I am really growing up, when I started to apply Self-forgiveness in 2008 and saw that until I do not take responsibility for EVERYTHING in my life and reality – I open gates for justification, blame and projection of responsibility, thus power. The art and challenge then is to balance it on daily living.

Nuclear reactor melts down 8000 miles away to the ocean – I am responsible, okay, I take it, I own it, how is it now then? One must be practical, direct with what’s here. Yet, constantly and consistently testing one’s limits within influence and expression to ensure that I am not stopping with any excuse to grow with responsibility. Maybe one day I will have influence on nuclear plants too, why should I exclude it automatically – yet why would I make myself worried to the point of becoming unbalanced and distracted from what is directly here, of what I can actually do in this moment today?

If I look at it – happiness I stopped seeking long time ago, I am happy, I am sad, what does it mean? I am being triggered by the pre-defined value system animating me automatically. Who created it, who can change it?

Just noticed that in many, kind of tricky ways I can have tendency to ‘work with energy’ in my mind.

Clarification: energy is not bad – but my relationship to it can influence, define, even control me, but in overall: it is all on me.

So what I realized in this morning, is the tendency to want to accumulate energy, then store it, keep it, keep circulating it, because that can stimulate me to certain reactions, what then stimulate me to feel, behave, ‘live’ in a certain way.

What I am making up with the energy is the lack of self-confidence, self-direction, self-responsibility actually, with a belief that with the indirect relationship, interaction with thoughts, feelings, emotions, energetic experiences are the way to make me interact with myself and the world.

But what I do not see, realize and understand in those moments that each and every single of those energetic movements, feels, reactions have it’s own self-dishonest point accepted and allowed within, and these accumulate, and I not just accept it as part of me, but also can become uncomfortable when doing things not the way that these reactions, feelings, thoughts and emotions are being triggered, experienced.
The uncomfortability comes from the unknown, the vulnerability of that I am exposed as a being, directly to reality, no sugar-coating, no past-defined excuses and justifications, no automatic positive stimulation.

Many can reach this kind of awareness – as my father I think also did, but he became bitter, sarcastic as he realized, we can’t do anything, can die on any day. But he saw the system outside and did not realize that he saw it with the filter of the system he created and accepted, participated within every day, what made him see reality as bad. It isnt bad – it is not just at the moment as the consequence, sins of fathers and the lack of real awareness of all equal as life force on physical level.

Many people just deny and laugh at ‘equality’ – as they think it means everything is the same and no individual expression. Equality can be a point to understand the common denominator among all, not for fake bubble of feeling blissful or loving, but as practical common sense.

First and foremost I am always equal with what I experience, what I feel, what I am situated within. If I would not be, how could I experience it? With sensors? Somewhere has to be a limit, a distinct separation, right, otherwise all the self-defined excuses of not seeing the world as SELF, MY-self here might be difficult to self-pursuade. Then it’s more difficult to see when I am not living to my utmost potentials.

That’s why pushing these points is relevant, every day. What other reason we exist? Feeling good, then die? To expand, grow, and support the children who come as innocence. As ourselves. Obviously. Not because of feeling of love, rather, because I can – if I could be any (kind of) god – who I would be? How can I live that in this live.

I know, it’s sensitive topic, religious people, god’s mysterious ways, god talks to people they feel, they feel they do things in the name of (their) god, or they are servant or directly hand of that god.

Ten years ago I committed myself to stop any separation within – thus if there is god, the only chance it gets is who I can live as godly as possible. That starts with responsibility, with what’s here and usually – well, all the time – for me, it is myself who is here – always. Thus that is my direct power – how can I take responsibility for myself here, to ensure that any thought, word and deed I accumulate is aligned with the best version of me could ever live.

Yesterday I was pondering about arrogance – how one can be more arrogant than identifying oneself with the quality of a god? Why not? Words are building blocks of reality, and thus I re-define what it means to live them to ensure not to compromise self-honesty.
I used to have a huge problem with words, found them to be ambiguous, uncertain and distracting – and it turned out to be that I was the one of ambiguity, uncertainty and distracted, words are just tools.

So I re-define all the words I experience and express – energy, conflict, struggle or even god – and starting with self-purification as removal of fear- and separation-based definitions, automatic reactions, etc and then I re-define with principle to support all life, including myself within self-honesty, without polarity, without energy.

It’s a good start, and then I see what’s stopping me to live directly like this – what are the upcoming resistances, fears, desires, e-n-e-r-g-y craving.

Energy – or the lack of it – it’s that I am tired, not charged enough to be able to function the way I like – so then I look at what aspects, inner movements, back chat, feelings and emotions I want, I miss, I like and need to experience in order to feel whole, ‘good’.

It’s something to investigate, for sure.

One more point before closing down this ‘opening up, preparation to self-forgive’ session:

Energized – automatically animated, as it feels like there is intensity, amount, velocity, movement, charge, tension, force – actually makes me feel more than I simply am in the flesh, and if I am not honouring, trusting myself responsibly, then this energy experience can seem appealing, not just entertaining, but completely obsessed I can become with as gives one thing: experiences.
What I do not see, realize and understand that experience will not last, and if it’s subjective, not shared with others, then it’s not really relevant, only for self-stimulation, self-entertainment, self-pre-occupation.

No matter how I try to justify to preoccupy myself to stimulate myself to feel a lot of energies what I define as great – if I do it hours a day, or even for a minute – it’s for me only. It is that I am using it to distract myself from another points, responsibilities.

One might ask, what’s the problem to give oneself time to feel good – sure, just is it really the best possible way to become proud of myself, meanwhile I already am aware of the fact that to experience joy is way less REAL than to initiate, move, share and live ENJOYMENT. Just the little difference within starting point can give a whole new perspective to begin to work with.

Let’s clarify – still not saying, pleasing myself(lol) is bad – but doing it basically virtually in my mind is not just self-dishonest, but it’s nothing compared to actually do, express and live something.

Just an example, I am sure many can relate with this: watching photos of posing ladies in bikini or without it – if I see one and I say – ok, cool, it’s alright, but if I direct myself to keep looking more and more of these images, what I am actually doing? I am judging pictures as ‘great, nice, sexy’, one after another – accumulating this energetic experience – the question is why?

What do I really want, desire here – to just watch pictures, is that what makes me feel good about this? Or there is something underlying here? Would I not want to do this in real life? Would that be self-honest? Not really, if just to please myself, with sex-objects in my mind – as in fact I am reacting to my own definition, norm, polarity of good and bad, the picture is just a trigger point I deliberately use to feel this reaction within me.

What actually I mean by looking at images of ladies? Maybe a partner, who I’d love to be with, who with we could respect and support each other with trust and care.

I am just playing this scenario – anyone can have different wishes, the ones one does not even dares to admit, because then would have to face the fact that have given up on that, and then what makes oneself of that? It’s difficult to be faced with my mistakes constantly, especially if I am re-creating them all the time! Thus distraction, blame, justification, manipulation are tools for hiding, procrastinating, postponing. We all know these mind-tricks, yet there is no public school where they talk, support about these. Deliberately.

I want to expose, uncover and become aware of all my mistakes, dishonesty – thus I can see in fact, in reality of who I am – that is the first step, which is not always direct and simple, then I investigate, apply tools, such as and I learn, to see what I consist of and why. And it might not be ‘blissful’ and ‘happy’ but certainly more real and once becoming able to move and express without dishonesty, it can be enjoyable as well, but not secluded, limited within one’s energetic mind. It’s something to worth learn and expand with.

Thus – one has to walk this through, even if already grew up in body, has to within self as well. Words are keys here and writing is the key to OWN words, not get owned by them.

We just had a very supportive group chat about this topic, it’s actually public, thus I’d encourage everyone to read through:

The Gravity of Consciousness vs the Anchor of Physicality – 30 August 2017

Sunette wrote:

The mind creates a gravity that of a Fibonacci spiral, that’s the pattern it uses to PULL you into itself or where you allow yourself to gravitate towards the Mind parts of you UP THERE instead of ANCHORING it DOWN HERE into you and your living

And this:

whenever you feel scattered – take a breath and remind yourself: I AM NEVER SCATTERED as the being that I am. I have somehow ALLOWED myself to scatter myself in my mind, so now I need to take a breath and look at what thought or reaction did I follow!

I shared in there this:

for me it’s a fake, virtual movement – as swirling the energy within mind and body as reaction highway superstrada hyperspace – it _feels like_ movement, but it’s just result of give up on actual movement, but still wanting to have experience, like a virtual reality, a self-creation bubble

(And others shared a lot more cool and supportive stuff, so better to check the link out).

So this is great to realize in any moment I am gravitated towards this energy crave in my mind – whatever it is, no need to sugarcoat, or be shy of, nothing rude either – as just direct – when someone have the feeling ‘I should just get drunk now’ – or ‘I want a joint to smoke now’ or – ‘I’d just fuck now with someone’ – it’s a mind-energy crave.

And there is a reason for that to appear, which I am not focused to anymore, but for the way to feed the energy in my mind – to drink alcohol or get drug or just be stimulated with sexual energy – to not need to face what was in my mind before this crave.

And when I realize that I have this crave and I feel almost automatically being pulled into – I realize – I have an aspect, a sense of self here who I remained here as – just not need to focus to the part of me giving in – as it is not that schizophrenic as I explained, but I have done being drunk a zillion times and it was neither of solution or real enjoyment – but was a way to my mind to get on top actually, while I submitted to a kind of ‘given up’ about myself in relation to the point triggering the impulse to do what makes me react.

I will continue on this topic, as at times, especially when being tired, I can have the tendency, desire and want to get energetic, upbeat, active again.

Thus asking myself – why I can’t rest already, was my day effective, do I support all I did today? So it can turn out that (example) for an hour I was not doing what I see as priority, thus I am not satisfied or honored I feel myself about myself, thus need to be distracted or avoid facing the point of responsibility as it would require more effort.

Even can happen that I have so much identified myself and my ‘movements’ with energetic reactions, that without those I feel I am not moving fast enough in reality, and not realizing that although thoughts can work quickly, it’s always the physical what’s really relevant, stable and consistent.






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