(Changing and enjoyment)
In my last blog post I ended up opening up beauty point in relation to power.
The more I focused to the word beauty in relation to the point I was initially motivated to purified by, the more I started to move effectively beyond reactions to beauty.
Well, that was, is, and going to be the plan – to not get distracted by overwhelming experiences, but yet being able to embrace, feel, resonate and move accordingly within the awareness of the current context I am finding myself within.
In relation to the person I initially was overwhelmed by distractions, reactions and thought-patterns about beauty, there is expression, exploration of self-movement and direction.
This is a change. And change is always uncertain, thus I had to realize that I am also changing in relation to change. Strange note, but that’s the ‘beauty’ – within decomposing and re-defining words: we can get to the very small building blocks of our personality, self-definition and to see how it’s actually working.
Just like in science exists ‘fuzzy logic’, which is a
“Fuzzy logic is a form of many-valued logic, which is employed to handle the concept of partial truth, where the truth value may range between completely true and completely false.”
If I exchange ‘true’ with positive and ‘false’ with negative – then it’s like a human individual’s interest.
And within fuzzy logic, there is Rule Matrix: that are, within the human language: words. Words build relationships, conditions, reactions, real program code, even when we are not aware of each of them.
So, with decomposing the thought-patterns, the definitions, and even the definition of definitions, if one has stable, consistent compass, direction, anchor and starting point – can turn all of one’s perception and world upside down and can decompose, self-liberate and then re-define oneself, literally word by word.
Within that – change – as a word, experience and action is quite an important one, as within the world, even within one’s mind and body – change is consistent. Inevitable. Thus, seems quite important, to also investigate one’s memories, automatic reactions, definitions and conditions ‘attached’ to this word.
Is there any fear, resistance towards any specific aspect, topic or part of me, what I do not want/dare/like to face, walk through? That is self-limitation and within practical common sense, it’s something, what should not be accepted, justified or protected.
Previously had tremendous amount of resistances toward changes, what I was not anticipating before.
Something thought-based and emotionally reacted had to occur in order to anticipate in a comfortable way, what was, at least to say ‘smoothing my path’ through all the uncertainties of facing the unknown during the ‘change’ phase.
So, in overall, my very relationship to the word, the action and actual experience of ‘change‘ is very specific, preordained and somewhat predictable.
Within change, as I mentioned before, I had to have this emotional involvement, a kind of ‘smooth high’, an ‘excitement’ to face the uncertainty, uncomfortability and unpredictability, what can come with change.
As I see, it’s related to lack of self-trust and clarity – as I was not trusting myself that I will be able to face and ‘handle’ situation ahead, I needed some extra stimulation, which originated from specific thoughts.
That I am not clearly seeing yet, thus I apply self-forgiveness to open up this point to see it more clearly.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to clearly see why and what I use to cope with change to compensate something not comfortable within myself.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that the stress and anxiety I experience while facing unknown, challenge within trusting myself, and because of that stress, frustration: fear, I defined that I need a certain type of experience to compensate: as within my own self-defined mind’s fuzzy logic word-based rule-set: for balance out, equate with the ‘negative'(false) value I ‘automatically’ generated, I also automatically started to activate the ‘positive'(true) definition system.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that my mind’s fuzzy logic system as false as negative, true as positive is completely self-created, not relevant to world and actual reality, but for my own relationship with myself in regarding to specific words, situations, experiences, conditions, here – change.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve allowed to automatically focus to ‘positive’ experiences as not wanting to face and avoiding ‘negative’ experiences, thus trying to escape those, and not questioning and answering the actual real world relevance of my priority to ‘positive’ against ‘negative’, and within that not realizing that resisting negative is always something I should be cautious about and to ask immediately: why and how.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that ‘avoiding’ negative actually means being owned by my own resistances and thus giving away my direction, power, movement and expression to something I am responsible for.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve accustomed to certain behavior with specific personalities to avoid ‘negative’ and within that avoidance still create ‘positive’ – and when facing, directing, living change – this behavior and personalities are not ‘protecting’ my interest anymore to avoid reality.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting change is to resist facing the self-defined polarity system within me automatically influencing, directing me to a way what I have no power over, thus actually I am resisting to embrace an aspect of myself already existing within and as myself.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting change is self-separation due to the polarity mind work definition/judgement system within through words, thoughts, emotional reactions, therefore not existing, expressing, moving and living as unified, as a whole, but as of refractions, defined by my self-defined relationships in my mind.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that the extent of self-limitation due to polarity-based self-definition personality system, the lack of self-direction, self-stability, actual self-honesty, therefore not really seeing the point to self-investigate, self-purify, self-change – therefore it is crucial to continue opening up points within me, writing, sharing, walking through all the systems I find within and forgive myself unconditionally.
to be continued
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