Day 320 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 3

aw3Continuing from Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1 and part 2

I checked tons of conspiracy theories, secret societies, ancient civilizations, crazy, wicked theories and all of a sudden I’ve found a youtube video, wherein a girl is stating out that she is portalling Jim Morrison, thus speaking from the dead and talks about Oneness and Equality and a Process of self-honesty and Self-forgiveness, and it’s time to change existence from it’s core and this is going to happen, no escape, in a way it’s already done, now everyone will face who they really are and have the chance for LIFE to honor.

That several minutes struck me, like a nuclear freight train.

Obviously, I was aware of the concept of Oneness, most of my acid experiences converged towards such perception – and Equality too – I always had this kind of weird peace when I was just around others without judgement and accept and embrace them, although it was rare, but still radiated through clearly that somewhere, somehow, we are all equal. But when I had to put the two together in a practical way, it was kind of slap to my face. So simple that it’s in plain sight, yet nobody talks about that like this.

I’ve started to embrace, study, read, digest and understand the vast amount of DESTENI material and it took me months to have a level of understanding of what I should do next.

When I first read the sentence that “each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth” – that was also not a blissful realization, but rather to see everything corrupt, deteriorated, abused, exploited, enslaved is in a way everyone’s fault, what includes me. From that point I realized that it’s literally disempowering to blame, to point fingers to anyone, including myself – but it’s all about what can be done. And this starts with Self Here. Understanding.

To start writing. This was another one of my most resisted things, to write about myself, not women, not things to do, but how I feel, how I think, how I react, how I behave.
I know, many say, they already wrote diary, but writing within Self-honesty is not a typical diary.
It’s always from self, no point to write about others, I change myself and thus the world, not the way around.

I started to write about points I could never forgive myself for, some nasty stuff I did within overwhelming angry moments, what I immediately did regret, but once did it, it was done. I was angry at myself, I could not change it, it was bad, all I could do was to swallow, to lock it down, suppress and throw away the key.

So, when it was suggested me to start writing, to start opening those doors, what I worked hard years on closing them real, it was quite eye-opening, not so blissful process to become aware of and in a way it’s still continuing.

I went to the Desteni farm in 2010 to actually meet with the core team of the study material creators and lived with them for a month and I had many-many sessions with the portal, shared so many points of my life what she, or in fact anyone else could never ever known, but I got direct support on my point of relationships, fear, the practical solution, etc. And it was so casual, like talking about the weather – also proving that no need any superficial rituals, symbols, mystical stuff to be direct and effective within becoming more aware. The power of Living Words.

Although I perceived myself pretty much aware in comparison of who I was before, or how I perceived others to exist, I had to realize that phrase to the deepest: ‘I do not know nothing‘.

There were some years of internal processing, and slowly but surely got to the point of being able to bring the realizations, tools, applications with me into society so to speak.
At work, in the beginning, I did not see any point within being friendly, to just talk about stuff with people in the office for instance.
But then I realized that I am actively developing communication skills now.

Nowadays I am able to not only notice the awkwardness, but as writing about it, seeing it more clearly, the more stopping myself judging and reacting, the merrier I am able to see the mechanism, what is the internal/external trigger point to jump into conclusions, automatic emotional reactions in terms of this and that.

Then applying Self-forgiveness, on the point I realized, that I was not aware of before, I did not take responsibility for, but now I do, I want to give another chance to change.

What is the key here within direct self-change? Words.
Of course I have resisted this, everyone does. I’ve tried almost everything else, just not to face the fact that I am already programmed with words, which I kept fighting, suppressing, overpowering, controlling and denying through various techniques, but the eventuality is that once I stop doing those things, I am just realizing that I have not yet really changed. And also to admit that I am susceptible to words, I react to words, I use polarity systems of words all the time, thus creating my own heaven and hell experiences in my mind, then ‘under the influence’ – I manifest consequences in the actual world, shared with everyone else. It’s to easy not to be aware of the mind-patterns of doubt, blame, projection, jealousy, greed and self-interest to sabotage the best of us all the time. And although I dedicated my life to ‘become a better version of me‘ – without actively ‘working’ with words, I was still failing and falling big time.

Why? Because I was not direct, honest and genuine with myself as much as possible.

See – honesty is damn easy – just look at oil companies – their advertisement, politics, capitalism – it’s simple, direct, no hidden agenda, or at least not too much:
They dig/suck up oil from the ground, refine it, then after transporting it various ways, which sometimes totally screw up vast areas of nature, they sell it for multiplication of it’s real value, just because everyone needs fuel, it’s not cheap.

Or fracking – even the word speaks for itself – it does not have a nice ringing in anyone’s mind, except maybe for those who make a lot of profit out of it. It’s like freaking fucking horrible for the living soil, natural water, etc. But it’s legal, protected by the law, because of profit. And they are very honest.

Are they self-honest too – meaning the leaders of these companies mostly, but in a way each of their cog-like employee? – Absolutely not – they do not consider irreversible consequences, the price of ruining future generations to deal with horrific consequences.

The same way I was honest, when I wanted to expand, develop and grow within my social skills, but as I was not honest with myself, but with my convictions, beliefs, desires, thus, I did not really progress, only developed more elaborate skills around my original problem to be able to handle it, to deal with it.
The more rules I’ve introduced, the more smooth I was able to move in the system up to a certain point.

But still, no matter how much new ‘programs’ installed into my mind about specific conditions, whenever I’ve faced with new situations, the shy, awkward kid is just here again and immediately, years of ‘working’ on this, felt like nothing.

That’s why the ego-self-interested person’s mind’s greatest fear is to face the unknown. No rule, no judgement – and even if the individual tries to box all possible ‘unknown‘ scenarios into polarity-judgement systems – the real unknown is scary, because I am going to know something about myself what I did not before. No rule, thought or judgement will help then. So that’s why it’s easy for humans to justify not to know. To  really know self, beyond the layers, personalities, characters.

In a way, that’s why I had no trouble to throw out everything I knew, learned, understood before, because although I had some progress with, it was not direct solution at all, at specific points it was even a burden and disadvantage to be conditioned with all the knowledge in the world, but nothing about real self, real life.

And to admit that, to acknowledge, that I basically wasted full years, decades on this was at first sight difficult, but then I realized that it would have been much more difficult to remain facing this social awkwardness point again and again and again.

Hey, within being the master of excuses, I even thought and tried to ‘hope up myself into’ keep adding more rules and conditions to ‘handle’ this awkwardness and one day I would be able to be always prepared and prevent awkwardness.

But then I have realized – the less I think, define and judge, the more I can be here, naturally, directly and another difficult realization was that any thought, judgement or energetic reaction is just a sign of accepting fear within me.

And no matter how physically skilled, how much meditation or mantra I do, how many acid trips I take or how many women I sleep with, these are all just distractions and belaying the inevitable: facing self. To be prepared, the best is to let go, unlearn all what is not self-honest. To let go the fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of fear.

And I could do a ton of magic mushroom and say a trillion mantras, but still, eventually, I have to be able to communicate with myself through words about that fear, to name the game, and thus being able to find actual solutions.

I still ‘train’ myself in a way to expand within communication and social skills, to be able to be as much vulnerable and stable within human relationships, but I see real change during the last decade, since I apply Desteni I Process online course support for instance.

Not only learn things, but certain patterns to un-learn, to not go into doubt – but for that I have to have self-trust, so in a way, systematically going through all sources of doubt not only makes me realize it more clearly, but it also opens up to see what actions, practical consequences I have to manifest, to live that trust until it’s not separable, not conditional.

If we look at the world system, word is power – the law, the schools, politics, movies, music – everything in the matrix depending on it – without words everything would collapse.

This provides a great opportunity for our problem too – the solution is to understand, embrace words, to change our relationship with them, how we interpret, react to and act out specific words. By being able to purify my set of words and re-define them – I change how I perceive and interact with the world too – thus literally changing the world, step by step.

For me, one little, almost insignificant step was to face and stop awkwardness, the drive, the motivation and decision to change it lead me to not only question everything I knew and invested into, but to create time and space to actively work with words of me.

Writing this blog is one of my greatest gifts to myself, because it is about self-directed change.

I am not really awkward with people anymore, with family/friends or with strangers, even if I have to touch them or I am being touched by(which was also an issue before, as weird it seems written down) – still, often – or sometimes  –  I can react, I can act out some weird stuff , which if I look at it – I am accumulating practical knowledge and understanding to being able to see that it’s still originating from some past memory, fear, energetic reaction, but now I have not only the tools to open up, understand and assist and support myself to change, but also a great, supportive community too, who are willing to assist if needed.

That is honorable and might be literally a mistake to miss, just because of some judgement, thought or un-worded inner resistance.

In relation to the ‘social demons’ people – It’s not just about how they behave and how I want to be able to communicate and interact, not even about ‘why I want’ to be more effective to reach what goals, but also to see that often there is no schema, pattern, what is required, but to push myself in the moment infinitely and act immediately, learn from the mistakes and accumulate self-trust.

So wrapping it up with this:

  • I had realized my limitation of the experience and judgement of awkwardness.
  • I have made the decision to change, to stop awkwardness
  • I have tried different methods, techniques, starting points to stop it, although I was able to handle it to a certain degree, it was never a real change, but rather to adapt around the source problem.
  • I have deliberately picked certain activities to face and do what I resisted most. Although this assisted me a lot, the core of my problem was never directly addressed.
  • I have found the desteni principles, tools, support, study material and community, with which I started to understand how the mind, energy, thoughts, consciousness work
  • I have started to face the points I never could forgive myself for and I started to let go
  • I still keep doing what I resist: one of the greatest challenge was to stay committed to one point within consistency. This is currently my daily job, which I am at since 9 years. I’ve defined this previously as the opposite of freedom, but walking through resistances and judgments, I honor and respect my decision to stand and expand step by step.
  • I regularly pick things to do what made me react with awkwardness, for instance improvisation-contact dance, meeting with new, different kind of people and initiate communication, express and share myself. Blogging and Vlogging here about my current process, about points I am realizing is not only a self-reflection, but also another form of communication with the world, others.

I continue with Walking Self-forgiveness in relation to realizations about awkwardness and self-trust

 

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