Day 313 – Tiredness as acceptance

img_5133-editIn my last blog I’ve mentioned tiredness. Continuing on that.

Let me describe a set of experiences: Always feeling tired, exhausted, sometimes almost literally hurts to move around, but there is nothing wrong with my body, but still, the very existence makes me feel like I am moving in dense liquid.

Sometimes there are so many inner resistances within an individual that it becomes the overall ‘life experience’: tiredness, weakness, lack of focus, vulnerable to distract, dissipated, almost like uninterested.

Then someone can suggest to take vitamin D or eat this or drink that to compensate or to say eat less sugar and carbon hydrates, start working out, etc.

Although these might be healthy suggestions, often the overall and general tiredness is the manifested consequence of accumulated acceptances and allowances of self-sabotage, self-defeat, self-compromise.

Imagine a scenario when you(just to “walk in someone’s shoes) could do something really cool, you even would literally be happy to do that, but for a little, thin, silent inner thought-voice, you just do not do that. Like helping that old guy picking up junk on the street could make sense, but you think that your groovy friends would think that you are stupid or fool or gay or whatever the trend to dislike is around this time. And they indeed could do that, so the fear is logical. The fear of judgement, exclusion and being bullied could literally do drastically change behaviour, just like that, especially for a kid: influence. And it does not matter much if it’s those kids fault of they would bully him if he would do that or ‘you'(a kid), who actually stops acting common sense based on fear of judgement, being ridiculed and bullied, even if it’s actually a self-rationalized self-judgement, but still the reality is that the person stops acting what could’ve felt like naturally do it, but did not.

That can leave a mark, a splinter in someone’s mind to create more doubt, self-judgement and shame. And then maybe blame and anger towards self and/or the others too, hey, even towards the old guy! Crazy. And imagine doing that just once a week for a year. The same thing happens, still not acting upon it, so the experience repeats itself, while the inner reactions as well.

And plus this: there is this cute girl you’d like to be with, to just hang around with, play with, nothing serious, but you are afraid to approach her by the fear of she might reject you, she would sense that you’d love to do it, more than you should show, because this might seem as a vulnerability and she could’ve laugh at you or just tell the others and everyone would point fingers at you and you’d be ashamed and you just stop even trying to approach her, but somehow within still feeling the same affection. Twisted it is. Then accepting it every day, facing the point of wanting to, but actually not doing what you’d like to do and for that you might start blaming the girl, other kids, society, the gods, or yourself, who is the one in fact not doing what seems to be the coolest. More self-judgement, shame, frustration, anger.

There is this boss and you’d really like to tell him how stupid he is but he might fire you and you just had your third kid, the loan is on the house, the wife is sick, there was grandpa’s funeral, grandma is poor and sad and the car is at repair – you literally cannot afford to lose this job, so you swallow your words, your pride but those emotions do not stop moving, just in your mind, your body, you can also go into extreme frustration, limitation and again ending up feeling powerless, exposed to forces outside of your control and being a slave and becoming totally a survival machine with no joy most of the time.

Or you follow the news, seeing these scandals of the corrupt, greedy politicians, officials stealing millions and billions, their stupidity gloats through their expression when they have a public speech, it’s so frustrating to see the country being sunk by those idiots, but what can you do, just shake your fist, even go to the street and participate in protests, but that does not really change much, or if sometimes does change a tiny point, they probably are doing much worse in the background meanwhile and you are just being distracted from the really nasty shit and when it’s being exposed in the next scandal, leaks or whistle blowing, you are now more furious and want them dead, but at the same time your life is still miserable and struggling with putting food to the family’s table. For years and years and then decades.

More extreme – having an aggressive drunk dad, who comes home every day and being the shittiest person he could ever be and his children are screwed from many angles because of him, he beats and abuses mum, sometimes the kids and those kids are exposed to the worst – every single day exactly at the times when they are the most defenceless and vulnerable, thus this will be part of their personality, how they try to cope, resist, suppress, fight and even justify or deny what they’ve got as family package. Horrible, but it’s real for many people. That accumulation of self-compromise is an extreme disadvantage for the individual and a massive fail for humanity as a whole too.

These scenarios bear the same mark – accumulating a lot of acceptance and allowance, one occasion by another, creating these multi-layered judgement-reaction patterns what sticks with the individual, no matter what he or she does – where she or he goes to, the memories, the associations, the trigger points and the experiences have been literally integrated into the personality and the actual human physical body, which is like a resonant aura and that is like a heavy burden, what the person carries and it’s exhausting.

Even when not thinking about all the bad things what the person keeps accepting and allowing but would not and within self-honesty: should not accept if the person could see it as having a choice on that, but perceives that there is no choice, but to endure, to carry, to accept.

That’s part of the weight: to carry that decision as the ultimate reason of acceptance and allowance: to decide, conclude and define that there is no other choice. Is it 100% that there is no other way, none, zero? Sometimes there is not and yes, sometimes there is, but that’s maybe linked to another already accumulated acceptance and allowance of something totally different perception of ‘I have no choice in that either’.

Even the person would start to look at that second point, here is a third one, totally linked with this one, and there is like ‘daa, I had no choice in that either’ – experience.

Imagine having about a hundred of those points – completely intertwined, like a spider web, weaved by my own words and emotional reactions to situations, scenarios, memories, beliefs, fears and desires – and I am sitting at the centre and I think that I am the master of this web to catch the best of life, meanwhile not realizing that I have created my own invisible prison. Well, it’s not even invisible, but from where I sit, I don’t see altogether, maybe sometimes feeling it, how difficult to freely move around without whining, blaming about problems and limitations.

Look at adults, how pathetic most of them can be when there is actually an opportunity to freely express, enjoy or share themselves – in a park – their shoes, clothes would become dirty, they don’t want to be seem as a fool, they afraid if others would see their body shape, they would be judged as fat or thin, having too small or too big boobs, there is a spot on her thighs what others would think it’s infection or well, she did not shave her legs, so other would be disgusted if she would take off her pants to go into the awesome lake. Just some silly examples. Another typical example, when dogs and their owners meet – if the dogs don’t go warrior on each other, but having fun – they are uninhibited, unrestricted, like there is no tomorrow, while the ‘owners’ are like ‘hey, nice weather’ – ‘Aham.’

Human mostly is nothing else but excuse and justification and that has to be kept and maintained all the time. Otherwise they would’ve let those silly reasons accidentally go! Crazy idea to just let go a fear or limitation, so humans are constantly re-and reacting to their trigger points of their frustrations, limitations, acceptances and allowances of self-limitations with multi-dimensionally bastioned reasons of logic, emotions, beliefs and superstitions.

That’s tiresome. A huge burden, and the person might not being aware of that it’s constantly going within one’s subconscious and unconscious, physical and quantum mind, but that’s the truth.

The conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg, one might even ‘master’ that ‘experience’ with spiritual trickery, to keep in balance the thinking mind and have this calm balance ‘experience’, but the truth is that the mind as a sort of artificial intelligence gives it to the person, it’s so cool, for a half an hour, the person can have her/his peace, but in all other times, he/she is owned. Totally, cruelly screwed up, but this exists. I used to be there, I was so convinced in that I am reaching enlightenment, but oh boy, I had no idea what I was dealing with until started to learn the actual nature of the mind, the consciousness systems and how I am only the responsible for all my problems, which then turned out to be holding also the keys for the greatest gifts in my life with those points, of which I’ve walked through some already, and some I am still decomposing, stopping, re-defining and changing myself within living application.

That’s why it’s the Journey to life blogging, vlogging, writing every day, or if that’s too much, write as often as possible, every second day, or every third day, but has to be consistently, because the self- accepted mind-patterns are already consistent and one has to accumulate such movement, direction, self-trust and self-expression to turn the self-sabotage tide to the point of change, when it can be stopped and being able to work on walking backwards from decomposing, stopping, forgiving the already created self, who is a prey of conditions and to learn to take responsibility, to start directly moving without judgements, energetic reactions and not accepting to live in self-sabotage.

Also important to note that once someone is being able to push through inner self-resistances and really starts changing, the surroundings, one’s reality, ‘friends’, ‘family’ and the whole world might also become as a point of resistance, and this is actually good, because it is showing that the person indeed changing, and the world might not want her/him to change at first, will challenge that commitment, the temptation will become high to just give up and there one should honour self, because the real change is now indeed an opportunity if not giving into those temptations, excuses and justifications. Example: dopesmoker guy after struggling with it, finally decides to stop smoking for a while – his friends might keep persuading him to just smoke one more, one last time, just this one sip, come on it’s his birthday, blablabla – and even if the person would cut ties with his friends to not being exposed to temptations, that’s really not the solution, although sometimes common sense, but eventually the person has to stand regardless of others to really become the change what decided to live.

This is definitely not a short process, with some points yes, another ones might even take years and from individual through interpersonal towards global level the person has to face reality and to start changing self first, then supporting others and participate in a change which might support all beings equally.

But until that, the person is enslaved by tiresome judgements, reactions, excuses and justifications, all of a sudden resistances, inner conflicts and during that it’s impossible to even grasp of what’s happening on global level or what would actually mean to apply what’s best for all participants. Although that’s not really difficult, but first to be lived in relation to self here.

I was a boy, who was bullied, and I was also coward to approach some girls, but I’ve also blamed the government, lawyers, bankers, politicians, the system also for years, until I realized that this is the opposite of finding practical solutions, because I am looping to be busy with my own reactions projected to others, while not focusing to what I actually could take responsibility for and change within my own life.

Excuses and justifications are tiresome things, basically like lies – when I start to lie to somebody, others – I have to maintain, keep selling the lie, otherwise it might be exposed that it’s a lie, so I keep sneaking around, keep in my mind what I say, how I say, whom I said what – it’s so exhausting, like becoming an actor in a role which step by step overwhelms, consumes me and from a certain point I keep justifying that I can’t stop lying to come clean now, I have to maintain.

That’s basically the same with the inner excuses and justifications, just in relation to myself: I keep accepting and allowing to lie to myself.

And that’s extremely tiresome, exhausting, self-sabotaging and frustrating and thus exceptionally self-limiting.

I could come clean to sit down right now and tell myself: me fool, I lie to myself that I had no choice, I totally could have, I still have, but then I’d have to give up ‘this and that’, but by looking that, I would think, I would have to give up this and that too, and then ‘oh shit, then this might not be true either’ and if someone could just do this self-honesty for five minutes – to decompose self-lies – a person could change so much in attitude and self-image. And although it seems difficult, it can be seen also as a skill, like riding a bike, which requires practice. On straight line it’s easier, but when it becomes muddy and curvy, steepy and rocky, then I’d need skills to not fall.

And being in ‘first world’, where having food, internet, salary, car, drinkable water from taps, no regular drone bombing in my city – most of my excuses are so weak, that if I would start to write all them down and I could see them in front of me, I might just cry to what extent I have diminished that innocent, explosive and awesome little kid who I started life as.
Well, basically that’s Process – the realization to admit, to acknowledge and little step by step to see what can be understood for stopping participating in the web of excuses and justifications to be able to see what I can actually do, no matter how small that might seem, it could open the door within me and the world to be able to understand more, change further.

Always remember, as Bernard Poolman said, not exactly like this, but similarly:

Although Process seems like never ending, actual, real change is always one breath away.

Let’s wrap this up by reflecting back on how I still can experience tiredness and exhaustion.

At office, when facing difficult task, which I repeatedly tried unsuccessfully to solve – that feels like sucking the energy, the enthusiasm, the motivation from keep doing it, and the key there is maybe that is needed, to stop doing as I used to and try an other angle, not to be stiff and wanting to fight it, or win it by force, but to relax for a moment, let all go, expectations, judgements, emotions and to just be with it for a minute and this might support to reveal something I had not seen before, because I was busy reacting and feeling tired and then fighting tiredness.

Writing is an awesome support here – if I am able to word a problem, I already made a huge step, so that’s suggested to do regularly.
It’s also a skill, which schools do not pronounce and tutor with enough.

No matter how great or smart I can feel myself as, there is always possibility to expand in living potential. Rather to think such definitions of self as ‘I am so great’ – well, it is a self-definition, have a polarity, positive, all to do is to look where might be the negative aspect of that. Am I trying to compensate something here? Like balding guys with big muscle cars? Or dumb boys with huge muscles, insecure girls with fake boobs and bitchy clothes? It’s always obvious what’s going on with humans, but often they’ve became it so much that they can’t see.

In this sense, Process, writing, Self-forgiveness is a unique and exceptional self-support, which I’ve never found even close to it’s directness and effectiveness in this world, but there is one more thing what is required: cross-referencing.

Someone or multiple persons who are also walking this process, who have already walked the process of self-honesty to an extent to ensure that being able to support with another view, perspective on points without their own issues projected into it, or direct support from someone who have walked similar or the same point already. That’s why I honour the time to participate with desteni guys, it’s so refreshing to spend time with people who are dedicating their life to stop deception from within and to witness their change during the years.
Or reading their vlog regularly and I might read about something I have not yet seen within myself or currently facing and this could give an advantage – sharing is caring in this perspective, definitely.

Some of the desteni people I’ve met years ago and to see them today how much they changed is a living proof of what dedicated, committed and consistent walking of self-correction can mean. While some still do not get why not to forgive myself all at once, why keep repeating it, like a mantra, but its not the case actually – one has to be specific to the utmost possibility with scenarios, issues, self-dishonesties to recognize the exact pattern to be able to become one and equal with it’s creation. Until I do not understand it fully, I have no chance to change. So those who say they have forgiven themselves totally and now having an awesome life – careful with those, if they can’t show up the extensive amount of their ‘work of process’ or unwilling to – it’s maybe only in their head, so to ask/get support from those individuals might not manifest as ‘self-honest cross-referencing support’. Those, who regularly share their process, they genuinely dedicate and honour their time to walk points, they are standing through the test of time. Others, who appear from nowhere and ask to trust them should obviously not be trusted.
It’s same as with self – if I am not aware of something to it’s utmost within my mind – where this thought appeared from, why, for what, in which context – I should not trust that thought – it still can carry information – and maybe about my self-dishonesty to reflect back, but definitely not to blindly follow my thoughts and thus generated emotions, because then the ‘rabbit carries the hunter gun’ as they say around here, referring to how things are happening the exact opposite way as they should be: I should be the master of my mind, not the way around.
So – back to mental tiredness, giving up mentality, depression: It’s something what can be decomposed and supported with to fully understand how it’s been created, being maintained and to find practical ways to stop and let go and to discover what could be beyond such self-limitation.

Great start at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com – which is a free online course with seasoned buddy support to learn the basic components for start facing the mind, how to start accumulating understanding, commitment for actual change. And that’s quite a treasure in this world, as this is not being taught in schools and people grow up without being able to ‘own’ our own mind and not being owned by consequences, but it’s never too late to start changing, which I encourage everyone, at least try the free course, nothing to loose actually.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

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