Day 312 – A sudden tiredness while writing

danc-1I was writing about a point when all of a sudden I felt tired. I was writing for a while and then in the next moment I am super tired, and I had to stop writing(typing).

I went out, got some fresh air, chilling night, walked around a bit and then realized that this tiredness is mental, not physical. Exists only in the mind. As it came, was gone again.

So, whenever I give into the mental tiredness without being really tired, I am actually compromising myself.

But what was the reason of such tiredness EXPERIENCE? There was a judgement for which I felt reaction to.

I was writing about dancing and I started to write a little history of my relationship with dancing, how and why I started to do it, my initial resistances to it, some of my experiences when I broke through that resistance and actually how I came to who I am today, totally enjoying to dance.

About that process – it was related to mind-altering substances and I was uncertain that I should write down all of my history or get right to the point of what I wanted to share.
But for that to effectively share everything being relevant to the ‘story’ – I wanted to throw a brief of history. Just to expand on how much someone can change.

But then judgements started to arise. First of all, my first real dancing experience was related to MDMA, street name: ecstasy. But then I was reacting about, what if people would misunderstand me, and would think that I am promoting the drug. And I often stated this: with actual, professional support, these induced experiences can bridge through difficulties, but eventually the individual as self has to stand as physical substance directly, not with mind-altering substance.

And no matter what are the facts, which is that I expanded with the drug and I thought that who I am today is actually ‘beyond’ drugs and again reminded myself not wanting to promote them.

So then I was uncertain about how to share myself without my own personal back-story.

Well, I also want people to be able to relate, especially those who are still taking drugs at parties for dancing. But I got into the reaction of judging all of these and the more I started to judge, the more this became complicated and I was becoming uncertain, or at least not being completely satisfied with what and how I wrote. I started to react to the point of becoming distracted with the experience of reactions from the topic and direction I decided to write about.

Then, all of a sudden I felt really tired. Interesting.

While I have this obvious, clear and visible direction – I am not tired – and when I start to doubt, judge, react, hesitate – I am tired. As experience.

Let’s see this self-definition: I am tired. I have tried, but now I am tiredness, not direction, not motivation.

The human mind is so powerful device, this should be taught from childhood, on how the typical mind-constructs work, what are the usual self-sabotage patterns into which most of the human individuals can reason themselves to go into with certain, selective and personally specific topic, and once inner judgements have been made, thought-chain-reactions were ran through, emotional or feeling energies have been generated and experienced: the very perception of that individual is being influenced, limited, shaped and formed according to the specific origin and source points of self-separation based on fear already exist within the person’s inner core of being without ever being noticed.

But instead, people learn a bunch of totally unnecessary and superficial ‘sciences’ and ‘arts’ at school, even the history what is being taught dominates with resonances of justification, acceptance and allowance of massive scale of abuse against life without compassing through with real dignity. Doing that by completely disregarding individual statuses, abilities, affinities and talents, thus breaking down the natural learning ability of the child and omitting to teach the most relevant keystones of living, which is being able to be honest with self and how to explore, nurture and develop an intimate relationship with self with direct physical human body expression and through defining, saying and living words in synch.

That’s why I suggest to question every experience in the mind, many-many times a simple ‘tiredness’ can be result of an inner resistance to not see, to not realize, to be able to justify self-limitation and choosing comfort versus hurting with the truth of what extent humans are lacking self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty.

So this is a reminder to be able to catch such inner movements and reactions before becoming one with the experience, which then is basically self-persuaded acceptance for self-limitation: in my case: to not write down, to not develop the writing for being able to share what I decided to. Maybe, possibly, because I still could learn and expand something about this aspect of myself, which I might still resist unconsciously. This then is an other common sense point to continue and see what I can discover. So.

I am going to finish the writing about my story, relationship and changes about dance, because there are a lot to share and I find it quite relevant to be able to write down my realizations about how to embrace my own body and how to express without thoughts, feelings and emotions, but directly as self-expression.

I used to believe that the best thing I could ever do is to become and live ‘undefined’, but it turns out that decomposing and letting go self-limiting definitions is just the first step and actually can be supportive to re-define words to be able to live them within clarity and response-able awareness of inner self and outer world as equal as one. And that is the real art of transformation of matter, the one and only true alchemy, when literally shit turns to gold, which is the metaphor to the unification of man from self-dishonest to self-honest.


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