Day 306 – Integrity revisiting

img_1063Let’s walk around the word Integrity again.

Dictionary:

the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.
the state of being whole and undivided.

Often can be read online about certain politicians ‘not having integrity’ – meaning they deceit, lie, cheat, use and abuse – and it’s obviously something unappealing.

People tend to listen and follow leaders who has integrity, who are honest, not sugar-coating truth, even if it’s hard.
If it’s such a good thing, why not everyone ‘has’ integrity?

At Harvard Business Review I found an article about this. The author mentions ‘rationalization’ as one reason why people can ‘skip’ integrity as something to live up to, because within the individual momentary reality it’s logical to choose what’s apparently the easiest/shortest/quickest way to get what they currently want.

So integrity might mean to look beyond self-interest and also considering consequences for oneself and other participants as well. It’s like a temptation to cheat on a test, especially if it’s easily doable.

Or an other example: going abroad, cheating on my partner – when the chance is really low that he/she will never know it – well, it all depends on the agreement partners have and also personal preconditioning.

For instance personally I would not mind if my partner would have an awesome and safely enjoyable night, but I’d certainly pull back my built up trust if we AGREED on not doing such yet would happen. So for me, it’s not about the action, but the trust we have. If my partner would approach me that this is once in a lifetime opportunity for something really-really cool or relevant – I’d say sure, but it’s just me – and probably would depend on what agreement I am within with who – but for me the agreement, the power of words to being lived as agreed and thus the trust is more relevant.

The trust is also something what relates to this integrity point – I really have to trust myself first to be able to see what I can and cannot, what I should and what I should not do and even considering that I do mistakes and then still trust myself, but not the approach I took with that within what I made the mistake.

Words are really cool as I can literally explore my source code of my mind – people mystify and glorify consciousness and come with this spiritual or religious explanation, but everything is right here.
All I can think and feel, remember and react is always here with me. Do I develop an ability to read, to hear, to listen, to feel myself? That’s completely up to me. It’s not even money-related – sure if someone has to work 15 hours in a mine for survival, then it’s really limited on how much someone can ‘work’ on understanding Self, but within the civilized world, such as modern western, eastern countries – it’s all possible. Bit by bit, word by word – anyone can discover all depths of their mind. Yet no one walks this path.

Those who claim they know it all should be cross-referenced with Integrity. Time as consistency and space as manifested consequences will tell. Are they honorable, whole, true to themselves? Did stop all inner conflict and friction, judgement and suppression? Truly be honest with myself, constantly and consistently – that’s integrity.

Am I ‘there‘ yet? I see within me, no. I can see hesitation, judgement, frustration sometimes. Do I accept myself within that? No. Sometimes yes, then when it overwhelms me, I realize I have to stop it for real, for ever and to see what’s beyond the war of my consciousness. The unification of man, to stand in existence, regardless of when or where, or any time and anywhere, or – all the time and everywhere and live the words fully, to my utmost potential: I am Here.

The more I learn about myself, the more I also have the opportunity not just knowing, but becoming aware of how I’ve made up to who I am today, and within that I understand my creation.

Brutal and absolute self-honesty is key. To not lie to myself and to word things as they are.

For instance any visual-based attraction is basically mind-porn, mental masturbation.
Desire to have an attractive partner is to get hooked on this mind-drug self-interest experience of being happy.

Sure something can be referred as ‘nice’ – but that is not real – only a perception, someone can feel good about it, but it’s the same energy in nature as someone reacts to something being defined as ‘ugly’. Not real.
Totally subjective, result of a ‘rationalization’, which is always someone’s interest to trying to shortcut for a result without considering the consequences of their actions.

If I would have a partner, who with I agreed to not ‘cheat’ on her – let’s say sexually – yet I’d do it, I’d be in trouble – if I tell her, that’s why, if I don’t tell her, then that’s why – it would remain in my mind.
From that point – whenever I would experience something cool with her – I could totally imagine being able to ruin that with telling her the truth. Or let’s say – for my own interest, not telling the truth.

Sure I can rationalize, for ‘her good also’ not to tell, or ‘I needed this’, ‘she would never know’, ‘I did let this out from my system’, or whatever justifications I would come up in order to keep up with this, but from that it’s quite questionable how real this partnership is.

Does it worth that much? In relation to myself – and my partner – for a momentary energetic temptation to risk ruining something mid-or longer term creation?

This is just a draft, a simple example, but in real life, there are much more complex situations, events and actions take place in relation to the word Integrity to reflect self back of Who I am and who I am becoming.

Sure anyone can and do mistakes, but the relevant question is what I am going to do about it?

For me Integrity is also about the question – how can I live the way that I can look into my eyes up to eternity without feeling any shame or regret?
If the whole existence would suddenly end and then I would need to meet each and every single individual being in the universe and look into their ‘eye’ – and not to feel shame and regret.

Certainly something to consider at heightened energetic mind-stated temptations. Sure, when there is no stake, take opportunity to live, but it does not mean not to consider manifested consequences.

My mother’s most important parenting point I remember is this:

In all circumstances, remain man.

It’s not gender-related, but being Man. Not only human, but MAN. This might mean nothing, but for me, it’s part of my integrity code. Whenever I get myself into, to always remain the man who I would trust and respect.

Sure I can become an animal, what is scared, bloodthirsty, or a demon, what is greedy and evil, but to always be a man of integrity. That’s my compass, and even if I find myself lost in oblivion within the consciousness systems I find myself within – I forgive myself and I re-align and I commit myself to change. That is the only relevant point I can trust, my self-honesty, everything else is it’s consequence of living this or not living it.

To be awfully specific today, let’s check what I see within myself in relation to integrity, as questionable, what I should decompose, stop and let go within my actions and reactions I’ve went through today.

Chewing my mouth within. I used to do this when I was a kid and I was anxious. It returned since a short while and it’s a symptom of participating within troubling thoughts, just not seeing them honestly, clearly, yet energetically influencing me. Literally means: I am eating myself up by self-judgments with what I do not step to the solution phase, but be overwhelmed with the reactions to those judgments.
Rationalizing: at the moment of chewing, it feels calming, satisfying in a weird way. Then the surface of my mouth within is not even, so then I try to chew near to it to make it more even – and then next to that I have to continue…And even if I stop doing it for a while – it starts to heal and then it becomes more uneven, then it’s so tempting to chew that part again. But that’s how the thinking/reactive mind works, it’s just a possible physical manifestation of that. Not as I would chew to bleed, it’s really about a millimeter, but still it’s self-dishonest obviously, as it’s a symptom of anxiety, what I have to take responsibility for.
I met with somebody a week ago and I think/believe that she would like to meet me, but I do not really want it, and there was no agreement or actual discussion about, but I did not face this point directly within myself, thus it was experienced as some uncertainty, even a slight worry of she might feel bad about me not approaching her, but I do not want to. And to approach her about not wanting to approach her seems illogical and weird actually, so I chose not to do anything about it, yet creating this friction within.
It was just comfortable to take the opportunity to have something casual and enjoyable but with a person who I’d not consider as a possible partner. Although I did not communicated that with her, it ‘seemed’ like a mutual agreement on that point, but did not clarify it as brutally honestly as I could, in order to not risk influencing her to not want to see/sleep with me at all. Weird. I’d rather approach someone else, who I know, but I did not yet do that, due to doubt/uncertainty/procrastination. I’d guess it can be seen as normal in society, but within self-honesty it’s too messy, especially if I react with uncertainty, conflict: self-dishonesty.

Considering financial restrictions and possibilities, defining too tight and uncertain my ‘future’ in regarding to when I would be able to get/buy/afford the things I plan, defined needing. It’s alright to consider this, but to go into worry seems counter-productive, especially instead of worrying, rather to apply that effort to see the problem with common sense and to consider what would be a possible solution and then to try that in real action.
It’s also a stimulative game, as I am capable of sorting any kind of this mess in the matter of seconds if I want to – just take income, list spending, see where I have to make the cut, what then has to ‘go’ and then not doing that, not spending ‘there’ and I am good to go. Bam! I mean, I’ve finished bookkeeping school, learned micro- and macro-economy, studied artificial intelligence, programming mathematics. It’s nothing. But if I go into the maze of my consciousness of what-ifs based on doubt, emotions and worry – I end up totally sabotaging the highly effective clinical abilities and skills I could apply to problems. This is also again: self-dishonesty.

This simple – In relation to Integrity and Self-honesty, I have work to do.
See – people can easily see their mess, but then to do something about it, that’s another story.

Here comes Desteni I Process into the picture – the whole course is about supporting this awareness and change process. Tools for Self-change.

I apply self-forgiveness on what I have accepted and allowed specifically, thus I become aware of the pattern and my responsibility to give myself the opportunity to release myself from this pattern.

Then I commit myself to change in specific circumstances I’ve realized, to decide to really find practical solutions to change, no giving up.

Then I re-define my words, relationships to words, pre-script when I will do what to structure and support my awareness on how to approach change. Writing the screenplay of my story, so then instead of falling back to old patterns, to have a plan how to avoid the already known self-dishonesty.

Yet within the moment – all of these are extremely supporting – eventually I have to do, move, change, in the moment, one and equal with my breath and body.

So, Integrity – people expect politicians to have it – but it’s something what cannot be expected, but directly lived, as an example. If the ‘people’ will start to live integrity, they become self-leaders, and then some of those self-leaders will get to more relevant, responsible positions and then things can change.

But to shake my fists to corrupt politicians as they have no integrity – it’s completely futile and self-dishonest. I have to Live Integrity first. How can I expect something what I do not give – to myself and others as well. Simple as 1×1.

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