Day 305 – Integrity to establish

img_0961I always was fascinated about other humans, even though I was more of an introvert observer type, but until this day whenever I am alone among other strangers, such as being on a train or metro, airplane or at the doctor’s waiting room, to look at people and this inherent curiosity is part of my nature.

Somebody lent me a book about 2 years ago what contains types of people, of what personality types they can be categorized into and thus being able to have an overall description or prediction of them. This kind of books could never get my interest, because always believed that this type of boxing rather makes me not to see things by assuming a lot based on someone else’s observations and judgments.

It’s so easy to witness someone’s appearances, behavior and words to have a judgement, a category, to be able to put the person somewhere in my mind’s database, so then I can feel that I have a knowledge, what can be use to support me interacting with this person, but this can lead to self-limitation, thus I never liked to do so.

I always wanted to be free, probably, because I always felt myself being limited, by myself. Did reckless, irresponsible actions in order to break through my delusions, enslavement, but it’s not about intensity, the more I fight, the more I lose as well, thus it’s common sense to stop fighting and for a moment to allow sinking in of what I have accepted and allowed to become without judgement. To see as clearly as possible without any category, pattern or type.

What I do since some years is decomposing the patterns my mind constitutes and one of the most important realizations is that most of these patterns I am not aware of yet I behave, judge, decide according to them and I’d say I am someone who could be defined as spontaneous and thoroughly profiling people, kind of embracing their presence first before having to say something about them in relation to others, yet still noticing judgments, definitions, reactions coming up at time.

Walking the  Desteni I Process online course made me reveal that I am about 99.999% driven by judgments and patterns, reactions brought here from my past and if I am not aware of these patterns, then  am totally identified by those, being equal and thus not even seeing these patterns, just thinking ‘I am me’.

Within a 10 minutes of conversation and interaction’s timeline, with one of the lesson’s assignment I was able to become aware of the fact that I’ve participated dozens of self-dishonesty within my thoughts, feelings and emotions, the words I spoke to the person I was with, the decisions I’ve made and the actions I did.

It’s quite shocking that almost every bit of movement I take in reality is tainted with ignorance, self-interest, self-dishonesty based on fear. But that knowledge is not supporting enough to break the cycle, I have to exactly, absolutely specifically be aware of these patterns, to what situation, to what trigger point I thought what, felt how and to become honest with myself of where I gave into the self-dishonesty.

I assumed, projected out, blamed, hoped, believed, expected, even though I was not aware of it.

And during a simple conflicting conversation with a person I became reactive too much, I got frustrated and angry and that made me convinced of a perception what caused me to distance myself from the person for a while, just because I felt righteous and reasonable in order to protect my interest.

Although within self-honesty, the event, the memory and experience came back sometimes and I felt conflicted about it, just somewhat I could not conclude that ‘it’s done the way it could not – I could not do better‘ – no. I felt like I overreacted, did not communicate and express myself clearly, I played being offended and not respected, although who I am today – after more than a year – I could have acted quite differently.
But we’ve spent(with my Desteni I Process course mentor/tutor/buddy) weeks to establish the timeline, to investigate my reactions and cross-reference with facts, to find what is in my past/memories what got me to be jumpy and why and to realize that I got afraid and here and there how and why I became afraid and to understand the whole dynamics of that reaction I’ve got carried away and made mistakes.

Although this was not a huge deal, not like the faith of countries, world history was at stakes, but within my reality, this was relevant and it’s supporting to consider that this can happen with anyone, including country and world leaders too, who has immerse responsibility and power, and if they become similarly reactive and overreacting, that can cost literally lives.

Each of those patterns I went through and applied self-forgiveness, written, said aloud to hear if there is any doubt, wavering within my sound expression by saying the specific words and that assisted me to become aware of these patterns much directly, thus if similar situation would present itself, I should become aware of these patterns and I would stop for a moment to recognize that ‘I’ve been here once and I was dishonest to myself, here I do not want to do it again, so I STOP, I change my starting point‘.

This also assisted me to re-connect with the person and to realize that the problem I experienced and reacted to was not really about her, of what she did, but rather I’ve faced my own demons just did not realize that and got into fight mode. Well, not physically, but with certain people, can escalate to actual aggression I am sure.
Also to add, although we’ve reconnected, spent time with each other, but honestly I’d say it’s still not the same as it was between us, and I do not feel sorry, or sad, just making a note to myself – and here to anyone reads it – those manifested consequences remain here and there are things for what there is no quick and easy fix, so the best cure is prevention. Not to go into automatic emotional reactions, especially if I can have the tendency to act out my fearful past personality traits.

What is also remarkable is that I was and I am able to re-wire my personality to great extent with this process and completely change my behavior, to free myself from my ‘karma‘ so to speak, a sort of self-liberation, what I hoped to ‘attain’ from my previous spiritual practices, such as Buddhism, yet it did not work; but for actual, practical real time and space, physical change, I have to be absolutely aware of what I am going to change and exactly how. To the utmost specificity. My self-dishonesties can be worded as my personality consists of words and relationships, energetic imprinting, emotional automation.

Currently I am still walking the online course Desteni I Process and working on a similar mind-pattern/construct in relation to a resistance/problem I face about a specific kind of project/profession I am committed to do in my life. It’s a great support to see behind the curtains and to understand what’s going on in my mind to see where I give into self-sabotage, giving up, resistance based on doubt, fear of judgments, etc.

It takes time, but every minute I spend with it, I am more and more empowered with the practical understanding of what I have to take responsibility for and thus I am grateful for the support, opportunity and my decision to do this.

I’d rather walk a lifetime to be able to transcend a fear/self-limitation than to accept it for one more month, because what I accept and allow is who I actually am.

Process works for those who walk it – we call it ‘desteni’ – because this can remind us that who, walking this have realized that it’s our destiny to take responsibility for what is here as ourselves.

See, I used to be an introvert, who had problem with talking, always resisted to approach a stranger and initiate conversation and one of the most crazy things I did was to start sharing myself online. Blogging, vlogging, to share how flawed, reactive, imperfect I am, but it does not matter, because I do not accept myself how and who I am today, I am going to change and this process I share, because this is who I am, this change and the way I am becoming more intimate with myself, I share it with the world, especially the self-dishonesty, the fuel of my secret mind, because although until today this is what I accept and allow to be, this is not who I really am and it’s important to share this about me as well.

People appear within responsible positions in the world system without they are being transparent, open, readable and they should not be trusted. I do not really trust people who are not walking through their own mind consciousness maze and sharing that process consistently, taking the effort day by day to work on self-dishonesty, expose their delusions, de-value their false idea of themselves. It’s not personal. It’s life.

If someone is sharing a process blog, vlog for years quite consistently, that might mean that the person is working on integrity – for herself/himself and others too. Actions, facts, what can be cross-referenced should be considered, charisma or attraction, interest or hope not really.

A new type of future leadership is required, who are self-leaders, who can initiate change first within themselves and living as an example to bring about the change within themselves what we want to see manifested in the world equally and by sharing their own delusion-transcending process proving to be worthy to be considered as someone to live the word integrity.

If someone has something to be ashamed of and feared to be exposed – it’s a great sign of protecting a self-dishonesty and that owns the person, limits the person, deludes the person, separates her/him from direct reality. And that is a problem, not only for the person, but for others around her/him, the world too. Thus although it’s her/his responsibility, in the greater picture, everyone’s everyone’s responsibility.

It’s also about decision, discipline, commitment. Not with some religious fundamentalism to be fueled by, but with principle. A principle what is not limiting, separating or excluding, but with I can ensure that expansion, responsibility and awareness I can reflect back to see if I am really living, not just becoming a set of patterns, repeated until death within the hypnotic polarity-trance between fear and happiness due to the complete delusion of self-interest, sugar-coated by our cultural definitions of love and peace surrounded by perpetuated wars of consciousness and power.

Within this human world system love and peace is hate and war, one must be able to learn to be in this world, but not of this world, and to embrace all but not being moved by to birth direct self-movement without external influence, motivation and control. Self-directed individuals will not be randomly appearing. They are self-created with the decision of not accepting self-dishonesty anymore and face, stop and change it all.

I encourage everyone to study themselves, to discover self-limitations, inner resistances towards things, topics, words, people and to try to understand those limitations, resistances, to assist and support to overcome, transcend them and thus allow to grow, expand.

What I am still establishing is the every day movement, every moment of direction, every breath of presence and it might seem quite a distanced ‘goal’ to create, accumulation is key, consistency is also key.

That’s why I’ve decided to do this discipline/challenge to write every day I can, and although I’ve skipped a day due to my travels, it’s also not about to judge myself or go into reaction, but to remain practical and not to create a scene from what it should not be, so instead of lashing/bashing myself, immediately looking at what I can do to re-align and keep continuing.

Today for instance having a bit of physical down, some cold and sore parts, here is quite extreme cold and I might got some mild flu, uncomfortable experiences here and there, but I was considering if I can do this blog today and realized yes, so I did and I am grateful.

Even when something is uncomfortable, sometimes supporting to walk through as many times uncomfortable experiences are results of inherently self-accepted self-limitations and resistances to not go towards directions we accepted to experience fear of loss and although it’s tempting not to face that, if it’s ‘there’ within ourselves, it’s part of us until we face and stop that aspect of ourselves completely. I learn consistency and during doing it I face with patterns I could never face if not pushing my limits. So this is it. Enjoy breath!

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