Day 303 – Resistance to writing and knowing self

img_0950I communicate with quite some people who starts to grasp the self-support and practical value for writing within self-honesty for accumulate more understanding of problems and possible solutions.

It’s quite common to face a resistance to writing. Thought-based, emotion-based or even physical symptoms-based.

When I started this blog about 8 years ago, I also had similar experiences, thus I’d like to share some points what one should consider when ALREADY realized the value, support and common sense within writing within self-honesty.

If I’d want to describe it as something cool – it’s like when in the Matrix movie they see those flowing digits and they can see the systems. Of course that’s a bit more theatrical than it is in reality, but it does not matter, what’s relevant is the similarity within understanding and realization.

To ‘see the systems’ starts with self here – to see the systems I consist of.

One can easily give into blame, projection, or even hope instead of take direction to solve problems – regardless of the nature of that problem. Let’s say someone is addicted to alcohol/drug/smoking/masturbation/gambling/sex/greed/self-harm. Or someone is so introvert that developed some social phobia and inability to exist normally among others. It’s a symptom system and behind it there is an origin story, a pre-conditioning what got out of hand and grew on the person to the degree of the addiction/phobia living on it’s own and taking over the person as there is self-identification as ‘I am addiction’ or ‘I am an introvert’ with or without of without acknowledging it.

My father was alcoholic, however he never acknowledged it, thus he then could not conceive the idea of getting support or do something with it, so eventually it took him completely. Well, in terms of showing an example – he supported me with also showing the consequence of it, thus to see, it’s not a cool idea.

Writing can be support within accepting facts, how and who I am here today – without judgement of negative or positive – objectively. Self-first. Cross-referencing reality events with what I perceive to see that my perception is real or not. Am I honest with myself by seeing things as they are or I automatically shift my perception from what is here towards what I want to see for some reason. That reason to be found within writing means to open up, to express myself completely, word by word and eventually it will ‘come out’, meaning I will get to the point of revealing. If I direct myself towards to find that point. If I can walk through my resistances, what exist within me – if there would not be any, I might just be aware of everything of me already.

Whenever I face something big dishonesty within me, there can be resistance to recognize, to fully understand, to face it, to bring up the experiences, probably because it’s unpleasant. Maybe, because it makes me to react with strong negative emotions, what within I get overwhelmed by or maybe, because I would feel shame for what I did and could not forgive myself – or to be angry for somebody else and can’t forgive for him – which actually means I carry this emotional burden what I would be more free of if I could let go.

To let go emotional reaction towards someone else, to let’s say: forgiving him: it does not mean that I close my eyes to what the person did – if really was responsible – but I should not get worked up, especially not automatically. It also can be a clean understanding on what would be the best practical way to stand in regarding to that person in reflection of past events. Actually the same with myself.

Even if I was addicted, had a phobia, even if I still am – I should not be angry at myself. Anger is energy, coming from not changing, not being able to change – that’s effort, which could be used to focus for better understanding and exploring possible solutions.

If I have inner resistance to do something and I am not entirely and specifically aware of all factors at play within my mind, that means I try to hide from something, I try to look away, try to not go into that, because of a resonant fear. That resistance accumulates and I end up being limited with it and even justifying it to calm myself with that “This is okay, acceptable”. But it is not.

To open up this can of hornets might bring also out reactions, when facing a long time suppressed fear or anger, but when I recognize that if I do not cut up this not-healing wound to clean up properly, it might never heal and I will always remain handicapped. Truth hurts. Not always, not necessarily, but sometimes do, and then to realize, it’s the already manifested consequences I start to feel, what I was hiding myself from until now and maybe more practical a little uncomfortability than many years of self-limited sorrow.

Now, when I see a point within me, I sit down and write about it – no need to dance around, no one-two pages diary-style long story first, then being able to get to the ‘real deal’ but with practice, becomes more direct – I look into me and if I see a point, I start writing about it. It’s a skill and as all other skills, it develops with lot’s of practice by actually doing it.

I think public schools should give much more opportunity for the students to write. To have effective writing skills, to have the ability to explore what’s inside our minds with common sense.
Although this has not yet been done, so we have to recognize the opportunity here and actually do it.

I am grateful that I write since some years, encouraged by Desteni community and I always want to write more, and that’s my personal reflection on this that why don’t I write more if I want, what is the reason accepting myself not writing as much as it would be supportive? So then I reflect back – consistency is a key here: when I would go into emotional storms – beforehand to decide to sit down and go through the points and remain stable, calm, clean to be able to make the best decisions.

During emotional storms often it’s really difficult to even decide something else than acting out those compound energetic rushes, thus best cure is prevention. To recognize the pattern before participating – so then I have to understand how this pattern works, what is the trigger point and stop the domino before it goes to a complete fall.

It’s also recommended to start slowly and little by little to get to the pace which is doable for you without laying back.
There is an online course, which is free, what goes through an introduction of how to assist and support with daily writing, it’s called Desteni I Process Lite. There are lessons, also little assignments, what real persons, who walk this process themselves since a while, will read and reflect back with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into inner resistances to get to know myself, to understand myself to the specifics, to be able to make better decisions, to support myself more and within that experience, not question the nature, the reason and the trigger points of such resistance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind there are lots of definitions, word-relationships create a certain personality design what I might not be aware of to the utmost specificity, and within that, to trust my personality, my reasoning, my reactions, my desires and fears without recognizing the possibility that I am wrong, I am not honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within walk a process to become honest with myself to understand myself more and to take responsibility for any self-dishonesty I reveal by to understand how I’ve created, still participate within and also how to be able and actually how I am going to stop it to the point of being able to do it actually and change.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any addiction, phobia, fear, overwhelming desire can be investigated, decomposed and to see if it’s really supporting me and if not to be able to stop it with consistent application of self-honesty through writing and opening up, understanding the words, my relationship to the words and also by re-defining the words to support myself directly and within self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that pushing myself through resistances to become intimate and honest with myself is something I can learn by actually doing it and if a resistance persist, I also can decompose that resistance to the point of ‘pulling out it’s teeth’ and to understand that certain resistance is also self-made, brick by brick, and the same way I can dissolve it and continue with the process of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I persist resists, thus to give into any resistance only means that it will become more solid the next time until eventually I make my decision and stand, commitment and movement to walk through it and to see the gift waiting hidden behind that wall within myself.

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