Even when I open the text editor to type, I’ve had this drive from within, which I stopped from with a breath and inner silence.
Today I’ve watched Joao’s video on Why not to trust Motivation and indeed – it’s separation, conditional, which begins and ends and I am left without motivation, and then I do not move or the subject of my motivation changes and then I do different than I’ve decided, I’ve committed to do.
Commitment. Such a serious word. I resisted it for so many years – substantiation, dedication, discipline – I discovered these within me more than a decade ago but I left these behind me for a while as the core of my motivation was not consistent, thus discipline rather seemed like a meditation, a sort of virtualization period, within which effectiveness was pre-determined, however the whole pattern was untrustworthy, because I could not trust myself, because I decided to remain within the area of my mind’s patterns, thus whenever my so called ‘motivation’ or ‘discipline’ was at the edge of my knowledge and information system, I became uncertain, doubtful and eventually stopped moving as my motivation was self-sabotaged by the thoughts/feelings/emotions. Such a shame. So much potential. Yet to step beyond the known is the most dangerous and risking thing one can imagine. That’s actually describes it as actually I only can imagine what is known – therefore when I resist or hesitate facing the unknown – I am rather deluded by the already known. Interesting.
Currently facing great opportunities what I am going to take and sometimes it’s unknown-ness is kind of resonantly uncertain and it’s vision is unclear, shaky. That’s alright. I do remind myself that any reaction to unknown is completely irrelevant by what I do not yet know, but rather a pattern of what I learned, which does not support me.
The known patterns, what limit me to explore the unknown I act out automatically – to not know these patterns does not solve this, because if I forget, how can I be sure that I will not end up as the same?
Many people often wish to forget, to unsee things, but that sounds like ignorance – ignoring glance – it’s not solution. Especially to not be aware of a pattern what still influences, directs me – sounds horrible actually.
Instead of for-get, I for-give myself the understanding and chance to know the pattern but not become it. I give a chance for change. Such an interesting word-construct.
Instead of obstacle, knowledge can become practical change if I give for myself the opportunity to stop participating in the resistance to unknown and to look at it with as it is:
As I direct myself to unknown territory, it becomes known, but I do not limit myself with that knowledge, rather to realize that any knowledge I am limited by is an other point of resistance of facing the still unknown, thus completely against common sense to be stopped by any fear of unknown, because what only can occur is that all my knowledge what I allow me to limited by gets invalidated.
So in short, fear and resistance only can be dissolved by facing the unknown, which is again – completely irrelevant within my already existing relationship with fear.
In this context, I actually fear from what I know, yet I do not yet know specifically how. Interesting.
So easy to get lost within the mind consciousness, just give them ‘freedom’ and ‘choice’ and it’s complete oblivion.
In conclusion my current unknown is risking, which, if I really look all factors around my situation, with common sense I see much more risk to not take these risks I resist by giving into the fear of known to be used not to face the unknown. Weird. Might too complicated, or might not explained well, or even might I am not even fully aware of this, but it’s getting more clear.
In terms of my process, it’s more risky to not move than actually move, because I already know what happens when I do not move, express and expand: I remain limited, exposed to what I know, and also to the fact and it’s consequence of what I do not yet know, but I should.
If I really look at my so called, self-defined ‘risks’ – these are not life-threatening risks, like coming out from cover and run in front of sniper fire, but rather medium-size financial investments, what might limit my mid-term financial options, and I have a lot of memory and reaction to being limited financially, which seems like a good thing to absolutely avoid, but on the other hand, if I do not expand, I might remain just the way I currently am and that seem much more limiting actually.
Well, the whole money thing is completely tainted with these kind of decisions – almost everyone has quite limited amount of money, so it’s really not much to what one can afford, thus to really examine where to spend my coins is al-right, but also important to see the greater picture and to ensure that there is no memory-based, emotional-energetic resistance what influences my knowing, understanding and decision-making.
I used to self-convince myself with higher-price investments, meaning for a while weaving my mind around it, generating reactions, convictions, positive affirmations, reasons and justifications, and often that supported me, this time I try something new – no reaction, no energy, no thoughts, no positive feelings, no negative emotions allowed to make this leap into the unknown.
I deliberately omit to use the word ‘faith’ – as mostly everyone knows this phrase of ‘leap of faith’ – this time it is not about faith – in me or within any tool or process. This time I recognize the pattern of resisting to step into the unknown. Eventually everyone will realize that anything unknown is also self, just not yet known. Thus to be afraid from myself seems highly illogical and the only way to get to really know myself is to face the unknown.
It is also certain that any aspect, part of me fearing from unknown then reveals itself, as known – thus I actually know what is the problem. Fearing from not having money? Fearing of losing value, time, effort? Fearing making bad decision, fearing from mistake, a failure? Then if that’s obvious, I should ensure not to make mistake if I can, but if I do – I might just discovered something yet unknown, thus I get to know myself better for the next breath to live.
Actually – if I do not trust myself any time, that means within that moment I trust something else, specifically that pattern what I rather trust, which tells me not to trust myself, but that pattern, but then I have to realize – I lost ground, because if I do not trust myself, how can I be sure that I can trust in that doubt? It’s crazy, I know – and I am certain that people can get into psychiatry if they spend too much time in these kinds of mind-limbos, because it’s terrifying to just live in such an oblivion, wherein I can’t trust myself, but neither within my doubt, so then I am nothing. I’ve been there, done that, it’s totally uncool.
What assisted and supported me is the breath – presence – take a big sigh and in this moment what’s here is real – the physical sensation can lead me back here to earth – my body is the closest to real that I will ever have, thus it’s common sense to align with it, to observe it, to feel with it, to become it.
Go to a bodywork workshop, where it’s kind of a group-therapy to be in the body without words, thinking, defining or reacting – just be here and embrace. Then express, explore and investigate where doubt, resistance fear comes from and although go into it, but do not lose the body-presence-awareness – and only go into the understanding, when it’s clear within, no storms, emotions, thoughts as those will generate energy, what then will make one react, trigger patterns, what eventually will tell you not to face the unknown, which is also you. Enjoy.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I resist unknown is actually the result of my accepted relationship with what I already know, thus that I should re-evaluate, question, understand if I still give into the resistance to explore, expand and live without self-limitation.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that any time I resist to understand, know, become aware of something, it’s something within me currently creating that experience of resistance, what I do not yet know, even when I think I know what is the reason, that’s a justification and it’s time to open up and understand what I really fear, such as to lose a knowledge pattern I believed to be true, because then what to rely to and within that to realize that I do not trust myself and wanting to trust within constructs, patterns, relationships, knowledge, belief, separate from me.
I forgive myself that I have not realized/understood/seen the common sense solution to decompose all pattern I consist of, such as word relationships, associations, memories, personality definitions, emotions, feelings, thoughts to be able to free myself from self-limitations and to know what I do not yet know, but still using as an excuse to not expand, move, express.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing the unknown is fearing myself, and I can stop it if I get to know myself and whenever seems supportive, stop a pattern and to explore, what is beyond the known.
I commit myself to stop resisting to explore and expand into the unknown and whenever stopping moving, I decompose the patterns within me and for give myself for accepting and allowing such self-limitation and find/prepare and live practical change breath by breath within and as my human physical body as stability, consistency and presence within my utmost responsibility.