I am sitting here and feeling the blood pressuring in my veins.
I guess I like this experience, because this is an indication that I am not following thoughts, being preoccupied with rushing towards something in the future, but I am quite present.
Although if I would give too much ‘credit’ and positive re-assurance, judgement, definition, it would actually sabotage my presence, as I would program myself to not actually be present, but go into the ‘good feeling’ according to the condition I’ve defined as good, and thus actually ruining it.
I guess it’s the same with all kinds of experiences, even the ones we tend to define or hope to feel as good or positive: in order to become equal and one with it, I have to exist in relationship with something separate from me here directly through the mind.
What a trap – once I locate and accept myself within the mind, in order to not feel separated, alone, powerless, lost, I have to relate, and within that relationship connection condition, I am owned by it – it’s not always easy to explain it but it’s certainly self-enslavement.
I am just chatting with other destonians(guys and gals also write self-honesty blogs and walk the desteniiprocess courses and stop self-dishonest patterns) and I did participate in the chat – and when I type, I read, I kind of disappear from THIS presence experience – not totally, but I become chatting – although it’s normal, in a way I am not entirely satisfied with my presence during communication as in a way, a bit I diminish from this presence.
Important to remark that I tend not to hold onto the totality of the physical presence and want to be aware of that the same way when I do things, but what I see is that I still ‘go into character, pattern, personality’ when I do certain things, and then I return to presence – or not even ‘return’ but to flow into another character/pattern/personality, so ‘naturally’ or fluidly, that I do not even notice, just that the perception of time flows quite inseparably.
Within self-honesty this indicates at least two points to me:
1 I still separate my presence from my ‘life’, still holding onto the ‘meditation’ pattern
2 I still do not direct myself fully present within communication, but acting out patterns, it’s like starting programs and then those run through, and during that time, I am kind of in a limbo.
Sure in case of danger or sudden change of external or internal conditions I could change attitude, but in overall, the consistency of my presence is quite severed and thus my accumulation of self-trust, self-direction is also.
I mean it’s okay to focus to my voice, forming the words, the others who I speak to, but it’s something else if I lose the sense of physical and body experiences meanwhile, that in fact indicates that I do not trust myself to be like ‘I can do this without a pre-programming pattern’ – or judged the expression with ‘I have better things to focus to than to be completely here within this communication’.
In all ways it’s self-dishonest.
What I can do is to look at the most obvious situations/points/experiences within I have the tendency to lose the physical presence awareness – such as talking to a woman I would have great affection to (just an example) or to talk with someone I would despise (another example) – as within these moments rather I have attraction-desire-based distractive patterns overwhelming my presence – or projecting out negative judgements making me becoming reactive and thus distracting me from presence.
That’s why the soap-opera/hollywood/teenage-style love, although feels like overwhelmingly positive, it’s actually self-neglection and distraction from something what would be obvious if I would not go into judgement-based energetic experience.
That’s why huge love can shift into enormous hate I guess, as it’s the same nature of mind-activity, just with the opposite polarity of energetic experience. But equal within it’s nature and my kind of participation in the mind, thus neglection of presence awareness.
Love is just a word, the connection can mean completely different to everyone, thus it’s actually really supportive to investigate our own inner dictionary, what it actually means to feel, experience love – and from that – to actually LIVE LOVE.
I mean how can I live a love what is equal with the partner’s experience and expression too?
I mean I can look like flying on a rainbow, but that’s just an experience – if the other can judge it, and would conclude that ‘okay, he is happy, I should be happy also then’ – and then the other also could experience a sort of love.
But is that real?
I mean this should not be an experience-based thing, it should be expression-based reality.
Everyone can argue on what is real, but a glass of water is obviously much more real, than some energetic butterflies on the stomach.
And if someone defines experiences, feelings as more superior than actual physical facts, well, then we’ve got ourselves a delusion to deal with.
It’s certainly dis-encouraging to see things as they are, especially with so many abuse, horrible things happening all the time, but it does not mean I should become completely sad and depressed from reality. That’s also just the same virtual experience pattern.
This is what makes the greatest difference for me – when I am present, in and as the body, also being aware of my surroundings and what are the facts – I do not value experience more than reality, just because my interest is to have as much positive experience as I can, as I defined myself according to what I experience. No. I am in this world, but it does not mean I have to be of this world. Especially if the world I find myself within is abusive, neglecting or completely lost in mind-oblivion.
Although when I render experience as priority over physical reality, then it feels like a ride, or rather like a slide – and it can be so slippery that I get so preoccupied that I lose presence for a moment. Just enough to not be aware of that preoccupation experience results in an energetic reaction triggering another – and thus I miss being present for minutes or even hours.
That’s also self-dishonest.
Not many people directly aim this point, for instance when I used to learn Aikido, the founder, Uyeshiba Morihei wrote that he was walking around and his pupils always tried to surprise him and ‘attack’ him – and it was impossible, he was always present, thus he was able to apply technique with ease to deal with them.
Or Bruce Lee also wrote about it, how it is a key to be constantly present.
Hey, even Bill Murray have this interview wherein he concludes the same: to be able to be always here. That would be awesome.
And I am not talking about presence as a skill, but as re-birthing-recreating myself as being presence as who I am, no separation, unconditionally, unwavering, consistently. That is not a desire, that is a recognition with common sense of what is the least resistance and friction within to live as.
One might even say, isn’t this also a tactic to ‘escape’ from my mind into this overwhelming experience of physical senses and consistent direction, like a ‘control freak’ – but this is actually the opposite.
In order to be able to be really present – one has to deal with the distractions – and although in my personal life, for a while I was able to suppress a lot of things – that is always temporally and undermines absolute self-trust and consistent presence as relies to energy, conditions, thus within self-honesty that is to be recognized and stopped.
Once one starts to find ‘back’ to physical presence without preoccupation, then will start to see that there are sooooo many points one is (humans are) distracted from presence and they all think it’s the superior act to do so, meanwhile their tiny winy real beingness of who they really are at their center are scared ‘shirtless’ of being completely present, naked of any thoughts/feelings/emotions and to see what is really here.
Including myself. I’ve went through so many experiences, crazy, insane, over the top, mind blowing, extraordinary mind-states, what many people would define as scary, but they all dwarfed by the actual experience of being completely vulnerable in and as this physical presence and embrace what is really-really here.
See, even if one manages to suppress the mind for a moment, regardless of with techniques or substances – within that moment it also can be obvious that I am relying to my mind, and although I am it’s slave, but in fact, I’ve created it, I need it to hide and suppress from who I really am within absolute self-honesty.
That’s what we are dealing with here – to become the one who is able to face and embrace self without any judgement, any energy, any positive or negative experience – and that means to walk through all patterns, personalities, distractions and stop one by one.
This is what process about – every day facing a point and going through and accumulate understanding, direction and trust to be able to look into my eyes and if I see something uncool, then not to get distracted, justified, but then consider and live change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself experiencing ‘physical sensations, presence’ from ‘doing something within what I lose presence and physical awareness’ – and not realizing that within categorizing, I am actually accepting it, instead of looking at the practical points, such as trigger point, actual word of reactions, thoughts, emotions, feelings and to dig down into myself to recognize it’s because I do not trust myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve allowed myself to not trust myself within being able to exist, express myself and deal with what I do in my life without thoughts, feelings emotions and not considering the possibility to directly live words, such as not experience joy, but to live enjoyment, to not feel love, but to live and share care and support, and so on and within that to look at what distracts me from that, what justifies me to arrive with less, here as experiences instead of shareable, real, factual reality and based on that experience trying to act and live in reality, and not realizing that it is not direct anymore and I am stuck with an experience of separation, thus becoming dependent to the mind to feel equal and one with things I separated from myself with the initial judgments at the first place.
I commit myself to accumulate embracing presence, meaning to trust myself to allow myself to remain present and directive at situations I’ve previously defined that I need to think, feel, get emotional about, and to give myself the opportunity to learn directly, just like tiny kids learn to walk, and make mistakes, and within making them, not judge that, or myself, but to re-align and move, move forward unconditionally.
This way I expand with presence, direction and keep stopping patterns of mind-experiences and dare to be exposed to direct living and when it inherently, physically feels scary, remember to breathe and keep pushing through, birthing myself into the physical one breath at a time.
Finally – some random Self-forgiveness on patterns what came up as bothering for a moment – and within that realizing that even the most small point can grow up into annoyance and distraction if I accept/suppress it consistently, so better take responsibility immediately I can.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about grammar errors I’d leave in my blog thus would define it ‘less quality’ or ‘bad’ or ‘unreadable’ or ‘not serious’ or thus showing an image about me to be ‘uneducated’ or ‘not disciplined’ and within that realizing that this platform and expression is not about to win spelling bee or to be taught as literature, but primarily about decomposing my mind-patterns and to forgive and let go self-dishonesties, fears, resistances, self-limitations to support expansion, awareness and responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider smaller points within my life as relevant, because comparing them with experiences, events, what I had bigger, more intense reactions according to my personality, preferences, self-definitions and within that not realizing that I miss something potentially relevant, supportive, just because accepting to filter out things based on my prejudice.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the less I participate in mind-energy, the more I can be present and to realize that my physical expression, presence and awareness does not require energy, but to support my body and explore and express self-honesty in all moments equally. When and as I am tired, to check if it’s mental or physical and if it’s based on too much preoccupation in the thoughts, feelings, emotions, then to give myself time and space to let all go, to pull myself together and re-align with presence and diligence and discipline does not mean to be busy all the time, but sometimes to give and get a relaxation for 7 minutes can support me to be much more effective, and within that it’s not about the amount of time, but the quality of my presence and direction so to speak, meaning not to act based on reaction, energetic experiences, but with decision, trust, and presence.
That is all for today, daily writing is awesome, I wonder why I omitted this from myself so long…