Day 297 – Computer usage + presence

img_2564-hdrI find it timely to start walking the process and support, realignment and change in relation to physical presence awareness, direction and breathing WHILE sitting at and using computer.
Well, using computers is big part of my current life, it always mostly was since childhood and I’ve noticed that I can have tendency to disregard presence and purely existing through my mind and my body becomes less a grounding, stabilizing, substantiating aspect of me, but something I disregard, exclude, only utilize and this makes it easier to slip into the mind, where reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions can preoccupy me to the point of losing discipline, principle and in overall direction within self-honesty.

This is kind of a big deal for me, but not really if I look at it just as look at another points to become aware of and stop participating within any self-dishonesty – but I’ve noticed a some sort of procrastination about this over the years of my process.

It was always ‘in plan’, but I pre-defined it as a ‘huge chunk’ and first and foremost I wanted to walk other, more prominent or annoying/disturbing self-dishonesties in my life.

Since walking practical self-realization based on the support of http://desteniiprocess.com online course, the community, the group chats, listening to http://eqafe.com audio-based library of how the mind works and also by reading others blog within the Journey to Life community, I’ve noticed some changes how I approach using computer, in particular on how I approach and solve tasks or problems.

For instance when I work on some program code, I do not think much about it, it’s rather intuitive and usually I start writing about it into my notebook.
My ‘problem’ with thoughts was that those are much more abstract and volatile than written words, also usually they ‘happen’ really fast and even if I ‘think through’ quite constructively a problem to solve, it’s rare that I will exactly remember the relevant points of that ‘pondering’ process.

It’s more practical to me to write as it supports with slowing down and here quality is more important than quantity and also what I write will remain on the paper and I actually, physically do it, which is kind of already a movement, direction in actual reality.

Also when finding problems or solutions for them, it’s much easier and natural to be rather intuitive than cognitive and this can be a huge advantage, when I would need to see it ‘from outside the box’, but sometimes it’s not enough fast as still accepting reactions, thoughts, judgments along the process of creative application and that’s why I find it relevant and supportive to walk through these processes and to also purify anything based on fear, self-interest, doubt, or even distracting desire.

I have the ability and skill to investigate quite ‘clinically’, meaning to look the problem from different angles and really committed to find the best approach according to my time, resources, skills, even if it means much more investment or effort than it usually would need to be.

When I am being ‘owned by’ quite some amount of perfectionism, which is usually overwhelmingly counter-productive, is also can be rather a curse than a gift, especially if allowing it to go mental about it; meaning rather being invested into the ‘idea’ of perfect, instead of to see facts, real, physical world options and to work with that towards the best viable option.

Being ‘owned’ here I mean to, for instance seeking after the best possible/quality way to do something in the entire world I can reach(around, internet) and then becoming frustrated if not being able to apply that, and also to be extremely judgmental and harsh if the result is not ‘perfect’ in comparison to the best similar results I’ve witnessed in the world ever. This can be supportive, but really counter-productive as well, especially when becoming really overwhelmed by the judgments and it’s reactions, energetic experiences about ‘this is unacceptable and I am becoming frustrated’ and from that point I am compromised, and actually distracted to continue to create or work with quality.

Just as in other aspects of my life, compartmentalisation is present in my computer-using ‘world’ too, I can behave, react and even perceive differently when I write program code in the office or when I play a computer game at home, or when I make video clips at home.

How many times I was frustrated when my not so cheap camera was unable to produce the quality, details or colour scheme I wanted it to do and of course found much more expensive, bulky and rare camera systems with what I could have record the way I imagined, but recently realizing more and more directly that the art is to embrace limitations and even with that to create something what transcends it’s technical limitations by the value or message it can channel through.

What is worth be mentioning is that as I use computers(and complex machines) since childhood, there are quite some ‘patterns’, ‘perceptions’ and ‘reactions’ what I was able to protect and evolve since then in my mind, perceptions, convictions, beliefs and looking at those behavioural patterns, these are rather silly and distracting, mostly self-limiting but primarily self-dishonest patterns I see important to recognize, understand and stop.

Since walking this kind of awareness process directly, I’ve developed a quite reliable way to remain more physically here and present when I move, do actual, physical things, but when using computer, there is still more ‘easy’ to just become lost in the mind for a while and no matter if it’s just one breath or actual minutes, or even hours, I see this as self-compromise and it’s time to face and decompose, understand and forgive to prepare a practical change and to see what’s beyond these patterns to discover about myself and the world.

This approach I will continue with exploring the first reactions I can bring up in relation to computers, and I think I’ve walked some of this here at my blog already, but this time I see it from the dimension and purpose of physically re-stabilization, substantiation into a more consistent presence.

I do no longer keep the belief that with thinking or in particular with any ‘thoughts’ I am more intelligent, smart, adaptive or wise I can become, but rather seeing the ‘act of thinking’ as part and indication of self-suppression. Why? Just how fancy is to quote from The Matrix movie? This never gets old for me as finding it extremely supportive to remember the simplicity of support:

Don’t think you are – Know you are!

Meaning the one does not know thinks – and actually will know by not thinking but directly ‘moving’, regardless of what is that movement – in this context: self-movement, what can be using of words, living of words or even the single act of breathing within silence as well.
Starting with obvious point:

I forgive myself that I have not realized the extent of lack of physical and presence awareness during computer usage, prioritized by focusing to thoughts, feelings and emotions, disregarding HERE-ness, as direction, common sense and self-expression and support my mind consciousness system to further virtualize, simulate and stimulate experiences based on my interest and becoming preoccupied, distracted to the extent of suppressing effective and full breathing, my responsibility to principled living and the discipline for being intimate with my beingness, my body and my mind and thus sabotaging to be able to prevent self-dishonesty to be triggered, manifested and accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape into my mind, for which using the computer as a tool as defined it easier to control and separate it’s world from my reality, wherein I can have the experiences what I found difficult or impossible to live out in actual reality, thus escaping from my fears, desires and make a habit out of it and then defining myself as this is who I am and this is what I want to the degree of even fighting for my limitations, just to not need to face my own resistances and self-accepted fears accumulated into systematic self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not realize that the need for controlled environment is fear and with computer to want to have a platform wherein I can have less relevant consequence than in real world and define it and it’s experiences just as important and relevant as my actual, physical, shared-with others- reality and not being honest with myself that this is escape from specific points I fear facing and fear losing in relation to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight the things I resist, then I am not effectively solving the problem I face, but I use force, separated perception and in fact I fear, thus the common sense to slow down within and assist and support myself with wording the fear, the pattern of resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself to be able to deal with reality, society, the world and wanting to have a smaller dimension wherein I can be in more control in order to create a system according to my limitations to not be needed to face with those, and thus who I really am when being limited, accepted and suppressed based on this system I wanted to be confined within, here for instance what I can experience through and with computer.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I’ve defined and allowed myself to become the embodiment of the habit of disregarding my human physical body, my physical expression, my breathing and presence during computer usage and defining it acceptable to be completely distracted from what is actually going on within myself, physically, mentally and emotionally as well, but only focusing to the reactions and the next upcoming reactions to reactions.

When and as I sit down to computer, I breathe and I commit myself and thus from time to time I direct myself to let go all in my mind and focus to physical presence and one relevant and decided point I want to work on/with on the computer, and then to do that with more physical awareness, breathing and presence and to develop practical skills to do things while keep and expand within this presence without being lost in reaction-chain-reactions.

I commit myself to transform completely my computer usage behavior by pushing myself through breathing here without fearing of not being fast enough or effective enough without thoughts, images, reactions and whenever I see the urge, the need for thinking, reacting, stimulation, I breathe and re-align physically here and to see directly what I really want to do.

When and as I face something during computer usage what I do not want, do not enjoy, such as it becoming slow, freezing, having errors, something does not being successful, I focus to breathing, the physical phenomenon, the actual air movement, the feel of it on my skin and re-align myself with being here.

When and as I sit at the computer and remembering old patterns of computer usage, feelings, emotions, words, I direct myself to remain here, and even if I do really look into the past experiences, reactions, memories – I am still here and apply self-forgiveness if anything I feel reacting to, which is indicating of a system I still being owned by, thus I apply the self-forgiveness to become more aware of the pattern and the actual need for change.

When and as I feel like becoming dragged down and disregarding my body, presence, breathing, physical forces within and around me, I take a break, walk away from the computer and do something else for a moment and enjoy re-aligning, substantiating and solidifying my direction and presence here.

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