I’ve wrote a big rant on my experiences, impressions, some details of what happened recently, how I felt, but I’ve decided to skip sharing that part – not as it’s secret, just too much detail.
Sometimes I go into more details than necessary and in a way what I recognize, expose, I walk with the Self-forgiveness anyway, so why duplicating?
(For reference, I share the beginning of it to see what I mean by this)
Yesterday night I was driving through the most dense traffic of Saturday night party time of narrow central streets of Budapest and it was almost overwhelming but I was managing it pretty well.
One time I was hesitating for a moment and the car behind me immediately started to honking bluntly, kind of shouting ‘wtf, goooo, now’ – there were people walking up and down, back and forth the road all the time and in at a crossroad there was another car in front of me hesitating and I did not take the momentum immediately, because I was patiently waiting for that car to take the turn as the traffic rules dictated. Actually in these cases I think it’s normal when realizing that the other is too hesitant to take the momentum, but I was rather conservative by considering all the pedestrians around and also the fact that even if I’d take that corner at first, maximum I’d gain 5 seconds, so why the rush actually?
I write about some physical experiences what is related to the abandonment of my effective breathing due to accumulating inner friction:
My hands, palms, fingers become more stiff, gripping, much more than it’s required, and thus actually making my physical feel less sensitive.
It’s like there would be a metal wire in my hands and fingers what become more tight, there is energetic tension within it.
The pressure point in my chest starts to build up on the upper center part and then slowly spreads until I realize that I am lacking oxygen and then start sighing.
My chin pulls in, the whole body tenses up, like awaiting for a smash or hit in any moment, and that also makes it more slowly to react and less ready to anything actually. Like ‘bracing for impact’, even when there is no such experience coming ahead of me.
Also there is annoyance, frustration by things not going how I’d imagine, and in those moments I’d rather focus to what I want to project/manifest into reality than actually see where and how and what I am and what it would require to move ahead exactly. So there is this separation experience, a split in my mind what is kind of self-sabotage as for instance I want to go fast, faster in that moment, but in reality I miss the point that the car is at the edge of balance and if I do not focus to see that, but to what I want to do with the car without considering it – I can push it over.
No wonder there are so many accidents with these sport cars on the street with people who are not trained, educated, skilled to these high performance cars as enough a quarter second to not be here to apply what’s necessary and then the consequences are severe.
Probably those people are losing the direction by going into their mind and not being with the car within presence and when it’s too late, there is nothing to do but physics playing out the consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pressure when someone behind me is honking to me, especially when in a way what obviously meaning that the other is being annoyed by me and immediately going into reaction such as feeling ashamed of ‘how bad I am doing right now’ or reflecting it back with anger or annoyance, such as ‘what an a$$h0l3 this guy is’ instead of re-assessing my situation, movement, what to do next and also if possible, what the other is expecting me to perform.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the extreme amount of ineffectiveness I accept and allow when I go into reaction in relation to myself or somebody else, in this car situation who makes signs of me annoying him and focusing to the reaction of this instead of the source and to see is it something I can do to annoy him or not and if seeing that I cannot or deciding not to do, then that’s why not reacting, because I do not need, I understand the situation and keep focusing on effective driving.
When and as I am being honked at by another driver behind me, I check the situation and assess what I can do within safety to proceed effectively or if possible and deciding so, give way to the other to take over me and support him/her within moving faster as might indeed important or if that’s not possible or deciding it’s not practical then remain present, focusing to the driving, road and breathe in and out preventing myself to judge, react, feel pressure or becoming physically uncomfortable.
When and as I experience frustration and annoyance during driving I breathe in and out deeply and let everything go in my mind and also acknowledge that I have the tendency to go faster, care less and thus miss more on the road around me and not realizing that what I ‘win’ by speeding is actually seconds and first and foremost to consider safety. Even when it seems like nobody around the road, it’s always a possibility in the city that something suddenly happens and if I go with 40-50kmh, I can stop much easier and faster than when I go with 60-65kmh.
When and as I feel excited, thrilled, adventurous and challenged during driving faster than it is completely safe and actually legal in the city or on the road I realize that to be consumed by this experience is completely self-interest as not considering everyone else, but my own self-triggered, self-generated experiences while actually being in and as physical reality shared with others.
When and as I want to feel excitement, thrill, challenge, adventure by driving I should consider to go to specific driving area, but not on public road where others are also there and consider safety and actually also that some other people might not having proper skills to handle very fast cars around them and in fact they could make mistakes also and in those situations still I am responsible.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to automatically want to join another car what is taking over around me or going really fast and to think that I can also go that fast and not considering if its really safe and worthy but automatically join that speeding car and not realizing the trigger point in my mind as my own self-judgement of ‘hey if he can go that fast, I also have to, otherwise I would think that I am lesser/weaker/inferior driver’ which I want then to compensate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that there are two type of drivers who take the opportunity to take over and go fast and the others who are just basically obstacles to the ‘good drivers’.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I am being taken over by other drivers with their cars, then I am weaker and I actually miss opportunities to do the same as others and thus moving more effectively, quickly through the city and by missing that, judging myself to be a loser.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that one to be more agile and effective driver has to drive a sporty car, with higher power and agility and if I would start to move with my crossover car more dynamically, people would judge me as a wannabe or a jerk and within that revealing to myself that I use the perception of others to project out self-definitions, using them as trigger points to judge myself completely based on my fears and desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not go as fast as possible within safety, avoiding punishment, annoying others, then that means I do not use the ‘car world’ as effective as it could be, as I should do, therefore I am not using the most potential I could bring out of this and not realizing that this is diversion from more deep, fundamental doubt, distrust within myself in relation to myself and by the judgement and experience of driving wanting to compensate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel bad when driving by a woman with a little kid on the street by thinking that I am now polluting the air for them with my car just because I feel important to the degree that I can justify polluting the environment and others around me and not realizing that instead of judging myself I could do something differently, such as minimizing car usage, accumulating effort to have electric car and also to embrace the fact that if I go to urban areas, there will be women with kids, so if I really do not want to make them ‘smell my stinky car smog’, then I should not go to the city by car at all and within that realizing that my reaction is just hypocrisy as not wanting to give up driving, just creating inner friction and shame without any practical reason or real re-consideration of the consequences of my actions.
In overall, preventing to go into reactions while being in heavy traffic in the city is more substantial, now I face an interesting phenomenon: sometimes I just submit into the traffic too much, meaning I totally accept that now this kilometer I will have to go in first gear within 10 minutes and it can happen that I actually miss something to recognize and do to make my situation easier, such as seeing an alternative route to take, changing lane more wisely, but often not taking those opportunities as thinking ‘it does not matter, I might just ‘win’ one minute, so why bother to make such efforst, such as indicate my movement to the others, ask/make them possible me to change my course, then go through the usually more complicated alternate route, just for winning one or two minutes, which seems not much, but sometimes it can actually make a difference, and I tried to apply a pattern again – see, how much effort I take to backtrack, stop and de-program my automatic pattern making and taking, and here I am, facing with another pattern.
So it’s a great example to recognize, that even if I stop a pattern, it’s not the end of it, I have to find really practical ways to add to the blank page with effort, research, otherwise I might just ‘allow’ to take another inefficient, ineffective, or even directly self-dishonest patten to take place.
Alright, this is it for this post, I see at least several more points to write about driving, but soon I will wrap it up as there are other points also to be walked in regarding to support breathing awareness in all areas of my life.
For instance one topic is when I encounter beggars among the roads/red lights, how I behave with them, what reactions I experience within. Another topic is the taking care of the car point, considering time, tools, skills and money and my reactions to these points.
Well if I go into detailed specifics, reflecting back my behavior and reactions on any kind of road, such as highway, where encounters are quicker and bit intensified by the stakes so to speak…It’s interesting to realize that walking self-honesty is completely independent on what I actually participate within – hiking or programming, driving or taking shower, diswashing or dancing, making videos or watching a film. Also great to acknowledge that nothing can be real excuse to stop self-dishonesty, but the total self-identification with self-dishonesty itself, and then I believe I protect myself, my cause, my love(d ones), but in fact only my limitation, belief, delusion, fear. So that’s why I do not actually mind(interesting phrase actually) to walk driving itself in details. These days I spend quite some amount of this, so I utilize it for transcendence. If I would be cage-fighter, I’d use that for sure. So.
In overall, having access to car can be great support, not just for normal living, like commuting, shopping, travelling, but also to utilize to effective move within the system, meet people, organize, get things done, but by looking at the numbers of how many cars are, how much people suffer by them, it’s obvious that it is screaming for optimization and constant evolving, which for it’s also cool to decompose the pre-accepted patterns in relation to our relationship to cars to be able to see the bigger picture, consequences, etc.
That’s it for now, thanks, enjoy breath, bye