Continuing on breath support in terms of stopping any mind-patterns what suppress or sabotage natural and effective breathing and awareness of physical presence.
What I notice is that when I write and apply self-forgiveness, open up points, work through specific patterns and thus becoming able to foresee them ‘coming up’ within me and also to make the decision to stop and direct myself to change – is that I experience and being able to really start accumulating change from small moments towards the more challenging ones as well.
However if I break the momentum so to speak, meaning I do not continue to work on these points, after several days I still can experience a sort of ‘fall back’ or ‘waving’, as not being able to consistently bring the level of self-honest application of living the change what I commit myself to become.
This is what I investigate today here from different angles. One is that why I stop moving, expanding, opening up, directing the change.
Another aspect to look at is that what are the trigger points when I stop this decision to live out and what are my inner reactions of thoughts/feelings/emotions to them what makes it acceptable, justifiable.
What comes up first is that I actually see development/progress/change within myself, right after writing/sounding self-forgiveness and that can give the impression that ‘everything is going awesome now’, so I take granted something what just started to sprout out and not considering that there is quite some work to do to really nurture this birth to grow it into a huge, stable tree, what can consistently stand unwavering unconditionally.
What I can see is that there is a tendency to utilize process and the tools of self-honesty as not something as who I am within unification as one and equal, but as a separate ‘method’, what I can take, use, then put it down, just like I used spiritual meditations/mantras, psychedelic drugs, as it were like a gadget from my pocket and once I ‘experience’ change, I am already ‘feeling’ better.
Also to consider that I started to become more and more specific at self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, which can really support at the certain areas of my life, however there are still about a dozen others wherein I did not yet walked the same self-awareness, responsibility and self-honesty process, thus I am still being exposed to accept previously accepted subconscious, unconscious and even conscious influences to distract and delude from constantly remain present within the awareness of breath, physical presence and directive application of the change I want to see in this world, starting with my own human physical body.
One would ask why so serious and superimpose such great changes within one’s behaviur, especially when so much resisted from within, thus it becomes a struggle, what is not an easy thing to do?
This is also where Self-honesty as not just as a concept, but as a practical approach can assist to see what is really good for me and other participants of my reality according to throughout investigation, decomposition of patterns of thinking/judgements/reactions and to see what would be the best and not just to see, but ‘going out’ and actually try it out and then re-evaluate, is this really as it seemed within writing?
If someone states, ‘I am done with process’ – that’s then obviously self-dishonest, no question and if I have to explain that, then one should just ask that
“What is saying within me and why, based on what that I could/can/and won’t be able to do anything else/more to support the possible best outcome from my action’s consequences”?
When someone would actually lay back and to state out – I am done, just like ‘I am now enlightened, free, nothing to perfect anymore. In a way it’s pure self-interest: I am feeling okay, that’s great.
Within walking with Desteni group and to see when people all of a sudden just state ‘this is not what I think is the best anymore’ and they leave, even some making a scene, writing such long explanation letters to justify without even being aware of how ridiculous they actually are by actually exposing their own self-dishonesty while believing that it is with which they justify how it’s other’s fault now that they feel not moving ahead or being stuck.
Some even removed their own blog what wrote along the years, like trying to delete that part of evidence that they walked thus far – it’s such an interesting phenomenon. All of a sudden they do not want this part of their life to be visible, noticed, seen.
When I started to make VLOGs(video logs, talking to camera), I was a completely different person and if I’d look back the videos I did back there, the things I’ve said, reacted to, I could easily become ashamed of who I was by thinking ‘What if someone watches that video and to think this is who I am?’
But this is a process – takes years and I want it to be visible, from the start, because then the whole flow of change is more transparent so to speak.
It’s not about who I was when I started, neither who I am today, but what direction I accumulate practical steps towards within what starting point and principle.
Everyone has different mind-setup, their own ‘cross’ to carry until being able to transcend it and most of us probably requires support at crucial times what one has to be self-honest with self to acknowledge and ask for support. If does not do that, then might feel being stuck, overwhelmed, disappointed, then losing direction and the mind re-gains the momentum and the person starts to justify, blame, project and eventually quit. That’s just sad but I’ve seen it many times and it’s not personal and I usually do not ‘care’ too much about it, rather to merit more commitment to focus to my own process to ensure I do not make the same mistakes I can recognize others making.
I just had a big sigh at this moment as I wrote it, I am relieved that I could write this down and concluding it with what’s relevant here, is what I can take responsibility for, and in this moment is my own mind, body, beingness relationship, the breathing process to correct and re-align, continue walking the Desteni I Process online courses, which is the greatest study and journey I’ve ever started.
Self-forgiveness to be aware of the specificity of the details of this pattern to support awareness for practical prevention and self-direction to change in the moments to face:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that whenever I experience change, signs of change, specifically about breaking a pattern with which I have the habit to sabotage/suppress/disregard my breathing to the natural, full and present way, I judge this experience of change and start caring about this experience, more than actually the change itself.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed myself to move only to the point of being able to judge myself as the experience of change and then based on that judgement and energetic reaction to that unconsciously stating, categorizing to my process, myself as ‘now everything is alright’, ‘I am already changing’, ‘I have changed’, so not needing to discipline myself for applying the movement, direction and practical application for this particular change anymore by the belief, that it is done.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I will manifest real change only if I not only apply the direction, movement, realignment, but also literally becoming it to the point of no need to focus, maintain, upkeep it’s application, which descriptions by the way actually reveal the counteraction, balancing over, actually momentarily changing my behavior, but not actually changing entirely, consistently and constantly, but only to the experience of change, which is not real and it will not last.
I forgive myself that I have not been able and dare to ask and answer the question why not fully changing, why only to pursuit the experience of change and not realizing that within self-honesty, I was after the experience of change, instead of real change, because of believing that experience equals who I am and not realizing that experience will not last, based on circumstances, trigger points, energy and if I put my starting point to experience instead of self-direction, presence, awareness, then I will not be able to birth myself as real, stable, consistent, constant self.
I forgive myself that I have identified myself with experience, as believing that experience is fact and trust experience instead of trusting awareness, as myself, direction as myself, self-honesty, as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that to stop walking a point within self-honesty until it’s not fully done, really-changed, cross-referenced, consistent and constant here as myself within unification is self-dishonesty and undermines self-trust, because as I stop walking the point before really changed, then I will allow the points within myself what I have not yet become aware of and thus directed to practical change – these points will continue to be applied, accumulated, thus directing my expression, and thus who I am, therefore real change will be accumulated to tip over and actually turn back.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the process of self-honesty, if I did not walk through a point to the utmost specificity, then the point will direct me, which I will realize later and I will react with frustration, disappointment, inner friction, which is unnecessary and actually counter-productive, as I know myself enough to realize that I will stand at the same point later and will realize the self-honesty and requirement to change again, and I will have to walk this point again.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that walking a point and then stopping and then walking again is actually time looping and can be prevented by applying discipline, consistency, and meticulous application of the process tools of writing and sounding self-forgiveness to see if I am specific enough, understanding enough, not waving and being stable within the realization and decision of the specific self-dishonesty to stand up to within practical application to stop the not supporting pattern once and for all.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I stop for a moment within application of self-honesty and change and if I judge myself on how much I’ve progressed based on experiences, I go into self-separation as I become the observer and also the observed and then I judge based on memories, polarity, comparing based on my interest, which cannot be trusted and if I really want to assess my current location within the process of walking self-dishonesty to real transcendence, then I should focus on facts, manifested consequences and not experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘use’ process of self-honesty only when I am frustrated, uncomfortable by my self-dishonesty and use it for re-gain my comfortability, the experience of control, the experience of self-honesty, instead of live the word and really become and constantly be self-honesty.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who stop applying the process of self-honesty for real, meaning stopping the writing, sharing, self-forgiveness and change as believing they are lost within their mind battle as giving up by the power of excuses and justifications and then judging them as fools and feel sorry for them and not realizing that within those moments I actually project out my own self-judgement as I only judge what I have done within my own process and not realizing the exact points, self-dishonesties, self-acceptances within my own life, personality, process where I am still giving up by not realizing, not stopping, not changing my own points of self-dishonesties, which are my utmost and primal responsibilities.
When and as I judge someone as losing it, giving up, being fool, feel regret, sorry for the individual who stops applying the tools of self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-correction within humbleness, when they prefer knowledge over self-trust, I stop and take a breath and realize – I am projecting out my own judgement towards myself and I check, what is the point I am actually not changing, but I could, where within myself I still accept self-dishonesty what I should and in fact could stop?
I commit myself to consistently and constantly walk the self-realization process with investigating, understanding, taking responsibility for all self-dishonesty I still accept and allow and whenever I stop moving, applying, if there is a day wherein I do not express self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-direction and real, practical change, then I have given up on myself based on experience, judgement, excuse and justification myself, which I have to stop and re-align with absolute self-honesty by going back to the simplest, yet most effective tools, which are writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and make the stand to really change.
I commit myself to challenge myself every day to walk points and to dare to push through each and every single resistances I face along the way, and if a resistance is so powerful, then I investigate the resistance itself and decompose it and take it step by step and accumulate practical understanding and real change breath by breath, minute by minute, day by day until I am becoming the change I want to see within my life, in the world as equal as one.