So Self-forgiveness here it is within the continuation of the previous post:
- I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not be aware of when I do in-breathe more intensely than out-breathing, because believing that ‘taking a deep breath’ is what helps me to be here, present, stable, and not realizing that it’s not about the ‘breathed in’ amount of air, but the whole in-and out process, when sustained within presence.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have the tendency and habit to go into reactions in my mind, and then resulting to suppress my breathing, to hold my breath back in order to try to stimulate and enhance presence and direction and not realizing that it’s not really working, but as it’s supporting the energetic experiences in my mind to be ‘more intensely’ be present and aware with energetic experience and then I allowed myself to believe that this is supportive.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that the intensity I feel and defined to require to ‘become here‘ with the energetic experiences, reactions in the mind is the the manifested and accumulated consequence of my self-definition and identification as the mind which from there is a resistance to ‘get out‘, ‘get through‘, what I believed to require the energy for, what I then try to accumulate with reactions, anger, frustration, fear, and other self-manipulative automatic self-stimulations.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that any anger and frustration I feel is actually the acknowledgement of that I am limiting myself and regardless of any type or target of my anger, it’s always towards me and what I do accept and allow in the first place.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I rely on solving, preventing anger and frustration to stop based on the subject, the target I try to control, avoid, manipulate, suppress, then I am actually akcnowledging the fact that I am powerless to stop what I do within myself in my mind, for what I’ve given permission to automatically judge, react, become angry and frustrated.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical common sense and direct self-honesty within focusing to these points, conditions, experiences, frustrations, angers and reactions of breathing properly and to ensure it’s not compromised within any circumstances by realizing that less effective, present, directive and well I am when disregarding, suppressing, sabotaging my natural and full cycle of breathing process.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual support within any difficulty I face, experience and feel when deciding to breath normally, properly, fully, present here, because those are the tips of the icebergs I really have to open up, investigate and understand, and thus I can support myself with ‘learning’ breathing properly AND at the same time unlearning the reactions, the causes of those reactions within my mind based on the words and their realitionships, my relationship to those words I can reveal and decompose and apply self forgiveness to be aware of and prepare myself to be able to stop.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is this energetic household within my mind what is being re-and regenerated with these reactions in order to always fuel and ‘lubricate’ my mind to be reactive and always ready to project, justify, judge, project out responsibility in order to keep within this reactive, preoccupied state.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a personality what I’ve created upon this energetic reactive mind household to protect it’s existence, by justifying it with actual points of powerlessness, meaning why I should accept any emotional state what makes me off-balance in order to then find a balance point later and not realizing that by looking at the bigger picture, the whole cycle, I am actually enslaved of this mechanism and feeling up and down, never present, directive, really-really here.
- I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to submit myself into these energetic cycles in order to gain this apparent ‘mind velocity intensity’, believing that it’s required to focus, to discipline what’s here, and not realizing that it’s actually a physical shock what is causing my natural breathing to flow, and my attention is on these energetic reactions, thus not realizing and not re-aligning my suppressed, sabotaged breathing in and as the flesh here.
- I forgive myself that I have not committed myself to remember these situations and only relying to ‘awake’ within these situations when I already recognizing the pattern of suppressing breath and then working through, instead of ‘marking’ the specific, numbered amount of situations, conditions, when this can occur, so then I can be aware of the pattern BEFORE participating to ensure to PREVENT myself suppressing/disregarding the necessity to re-align with physical, effective breathing here.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to lose presence and effective, self-honest breathing when I am becoming frustrated, angry, reactive, judgemental, emotional, and not realizing that the two supports each other, but not me here: the more I am emotional and reactive, the less I am aware of the breath here, and the more I am not aware of the breath here, the more I am becoming reactive, emotional and thus compromising breathing to the point of becoming unstable from the improper breathing and the overwhelming reactions as well.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical common sense within enlisting all of the points within my daily participation wherein I react to specific situations, words, images, experiences and thus always become reactive first, then realizing that I am within a pattern.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am uncertain, stressed, tired, exhausted, judgmental and preoccupied, I am not supporting my human physical body to breath properly, thus creating friction within me, which then creates more reaction in my mind, then creating more friction, to more pre-occupied me to disregard physical presence awareness.
- I forgive myself that I have not considered to give some moments to my presence, body, awareness here, right then, when I start experiencing reactions, and not realizing that the reason for it is because I’ve invested within the self-conviction, self-definition, self-judgement that this specific reaction I have to believe, follow, react to and not realizing it’s source, which is doubt, fear, uncertainty, instability.
So what I recognize as pattern is a some sort of spiritualization of breath, the self-separation from physical presence, instead of being participant, being an observer primarily, and then based on the reactions to observation, categorization, automatically reacting, and based on trigger points to these reactions starting to act, do, respond to reality. First of all, it’s late, because the moment is gone, and in the same moment I am interpreting, so when I ‘come out’ with the result of mind-process(thought, feeling, emotion), there is another moment. At times it’s ok, sometimes it’s obviously ‘slow’.
It’s actually a resonant fear, not to expose myself directly into reality, but through the shield of mind, the bubble of my interest of preserving the ideas and perceptions what I believe I could lose in case of direct experience of what’s here.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, categorize, actually totemize and praise the breathing to superimpose it to be more than what it is and not allowing myself to directly feel, and be the breath, but to react to my own definitions in relation to the act of breathing, which is actually an escape from reality here.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to investigate and word the exact specific point I am afraid from when I categorize, define, react to the ‘idea’ of breathing, and thus making myself believe of what it is and what I should feel and not standing up to the habit of categorization and let all go and just breathe, feel it, push myself to be in and as the body here.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood that the moment I react in my mind, I miss the moment here, and regardless of what I think, feel or react, that moment I missed completely.
- I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from losing who I perceive myself to be when I do not have shield, bubble, self-definition, protection in my mind, but to be vulnerable, open, direct here.
- I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to program myself to avoid pain at all cost and mark all possible scenarios what could result in physical, emotional or mental pain and define my personality as who I am according to this pattern, habit and need of avoiding pain within the fear of it would change me and I would lose who I am what I am holding onto as perceiving that this definition of what I think of me is who I am and not realizing that it’s just data, what I convinced myself to identify myself with in the hope that this information can help me avoiding to lose what I believe having.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that in a way actually the only think I have is my human physical body, it’s breathing process and all I do with and as it as who I am, and if it’s compromised, sabotaged, suppressed in any way whatsoever, then no matter what more, else I perceive, define having, those are empty convictions in order to mesmerise and delude, hypnotize and deceive myself to be more than actually I am.
- I commit myself to stand up to the fear and recognize that it’s unknown what I fear, the aspect, part and wholeness of who I really am and the more I resist facing, embracing, realizing, experiencing and living myself, the more fear I will experience until the point of manifesting consequences of self-separation, self-sabotage and self-doubt, thus I recognize this pattern and I stop and I sort out all the resistances, suppression I accept and allow in regarding to breathing here naturally, consistently within physical presence.
- I commit myself to list all the points I get reacted to with breath-suppression, intense thought-emotion patterns to become aware of the points I have to embrace and develop practical self-trust to be able to face and understand, take responsibility for and breath into and as direct self-expression.
The list comes here, not full, just to name the most obvious ones I see at this moment:
- Driving to/through a situation wherein I do not feel absolute certain about I am going to successfully solve – or situations I previously had difficulty with, or have a memory regarding to in relation to problem, fear, loss.
- Working on something for a while and still hitting wall and not being able to figure out the solution and others, who are waiting/dependent on my part to be done are asking how it’s going.
- Talking to a woman who I believed, thought that she could be potential partner, thus having the belief that I should be cautious and aware of how I express myself as there is a stake here of losing the chance of she would become my partner.
- I am being attacked, bullied by people who apparently seriously do not respect me but want to use/abuse me.
- I do something physical and keep making mistakes and becoming pissed off not successfully solving it.
- Playing a computer game and at a level, cannot win/kill certain enemies, one after another success – especially, when the winning is so close after a long struggle, and then in the last moment losing and having to start it all again.
- Computer, internet, gadget freezing on me, becoming slow and I start to become annoyed as expecting it to be working 100% perfectly by the belief that I paid a lot and enough to not have this failure.
I see, realize and understand that I only can breathe one at a time, and the in and out is equal, and at the same way, I only can face and solve, transcend and change one point at a time within physical real time, thus I re-define presence with breathing in and out equally, with physical, mind and beingness awareness to accumulate self-trust, self-direction and actual living.
As I write about it, I see(feel) within my chest, that even at times when I do not experience accumulating this pressure there, it’s here with me, in my imprint and it’s not enough to ‘clear it’ from time to time, but to be able to consistently prevent myself to suppress breathing and the only way to free myself from this way of suppression is to work through all the patterns defined in my mind, practically change within the triggering situations in real life.
To be continued with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points to assist and support myself to recognize the tendency before engaging into these situations, so then I would be able to remember, ‘here is where I breathe in and out with presence, WHILE facing and solving these situations’ – thus re-writing my ‘code’ of behavior, beingness and totally saying NO to reaction, also by knowing myself that I do not have to FEAR in these moments to lose myself, because I am aware of that I trust myself, I do all I can do get through this, and then actually that is all I can ever be, and this is who I am and what I commit myself to express.
Also important part is the strive for control, fear of losing it, and I’ve explored from multiple angles already, but the obsession with perfection, which is also another form of fear, fear of failure, which can result in not self-supportive, not common sensical control.