Day 290 – One breath at a time

grass1In my last post I finished with ‘I will continue to explore about breathing’ as what’s better than explaining the process?

Walking, sharing and living it!’

This means to focus on my own ‘breathing points‘, where I can have this physical pressure experience, like a stinging push in my chest, when I am not breathing ‘properly‘, fully, clearly, directly without any anxiety, fear, suppression or lack of presence due to preoccupation within thoughts/feelings/emotions.

One might ask what’s my point on emotions, as isn’t it natural to become emotional about feeling happy, in love, in overwhelmingly positive way? It’s easier to understand why one would not recommend to take refugee within anger, frustration, jealousy, etc.

Just as negative emotions, positive feelings(to simplify them like this) also can make one to be totally preoccupied, obsessed with, addicted to, thus separated on the experience level from direct presence, which can then become part of the problem.

The key here is to recognize the mind’s realm between me, self, the being and the expression/experience/movement/direction.

Simple example: happiness: it’s not something what one can really, directly experience, but it’s a judgement, a definition.

If I try to describe happiness, I will see that it contains pre-definitions, what I can experience, but not express. Just like joy for instance. I cannot really express joy, as it’s a judgement.

Also to add – when one is clinging to, dependent on and desired after positive experiences, happiness, joy – it’s not foolish to ask why? And a self-honest answer is not “because that’s normal, that’s human“, but to see what’s pre-existent within one’s mind, the self-defined judgement system, what justifies the self-interested polarities of good and bad, and memories, and parenting, schooling, culture, movies, advertisements, friends, etc is being influenced, and based on that one ‘makes decisions’.

In most cases one wants positive is because being stuck with negative. It’s highly illogical to not question first my ‘negative’ experiences and to see if I can work on those, instead of running towards it’s opposite. This requires presence and ‘cool head’ to see things as they are without this positive/negative judgement system to be projected around’.

Within self-honest breathing application, I re-align from observer and judge to direct participant.

It’s key to understand that the very definitions of our words are often consisting of this observer perspective, which can easily support the perception of our self-experienced separation from self expression and living the words directly.

That’s why decomposing the word-based relationships our mind consists of is just the start, to understand the patterns I’ve allowed to be defined by, and then I also re-define my words. To not be related to polarity, positive or negative, from judging observer to direct participant.

As the example of joy: enjoyment is more direct, expressive way to live it.

Then what it means: enjoyment?

Within clarity and self-trust, I move, share, express myself without any reaction, fear or judgemental thoughts. Enjoying to be here, be grateful for all I can and to celebrate and express life as who I am myself, without definition, without limitation.

This process obviously takes time and effort and will not come by itself overnight. One has to make a decision and to develop and accumulate this understanding and direction, what then have to be walked in real physical time to LIVE the WORDS.

So – this is my personal decomposition of layers, systems, definitions, perceptions, judgments and what emotions are being triggered by those words to see the pattern, and also it’s source, origin.

The pattern itself is short: it’s like I hold my breath for a moment when I feel I have to concentrate, feeling a pressure point I have to solve something ‘right now’, I have to ‘perform’, I have to ‘push through’, I am not sure about, I can worry of failing of.

There is also a sense of un-worded ‘hope’ behind it, like ‘I hold my breath‘ to see if the outcome will favor me, it’s like a tension, I’d even say it’s a pause within my expression, but not always, especially when I have to maintain something, such as driving through a curvy road with the speed which gives me the impression that I should not make a mistake, or I should be in trouble easily.

I remember, also I had this, when for instance I was stealing, when I was kid, and I was worried that the shopkeeper would see me. It was insignificant what we stole, actually really cheap, but I guess we did it for the ‘thrill‘. Yes, also this world is an interesting one.

I can experience this when I see an action movie, there is huge tension, like heroes in a mission and they are in shooting, and it’s uncertain that someone will survive or not. Then I can have this excitement. Recently I’ve observed it as saw multiple episodes one after another, and this tension was building and building and at one point I realized I am becoming emotionally ‘high’, so I kept some minutes away. Although that’s why I like to watch series one after another, because if I see one episode weekly, I do not feel this tension building up that much, thus the show feels less interesting, intense, stimulating.

See, how much intensity and energetic accumulation is part of my compass of decisions without realizing, and also to see if it’s really supporting or it’s just keeping my mind at a certain reaction state, well, to not be able to focus to, deal with and take responsibility for the reality I am within.

So in a way, this hold my breath is a self-induced ‘micro-fear’. Just to name it somehow, it’s not that I am afraid in that moment consciously, but resonantly these micro-fear energies accumulate, and when it’s a lot, well, then I can have this breath-holding back experience.

This can ‘happen at other times too, but let’s start with these first.

What comes up right away is the tendency to take inbreath, but not the outbreath equally, thus creating this difficulty immediately to circulate enough air properly.
It’s like I pull/suck myself up, to ‘brace for impact’ – just the feeling of it.
There are moments when I realize this, especially when this experience is ‘remaining with me’ for longer time, after a while I realize it and I start to ‘control’ the breath, and slowly blowing out the air, as a way to calm myself down.
Well, this is ‘semi-conscious’, but still I am not really aware, rather it’s a triggered mechanism.

When I am aware of that I am here, I am under tension/pressure, and I am able to remain present, directive, then I breathe in and out without the feel of controlling it, rather it’s like I ‘smuggle myself into’ the breathing so to speak.
Meaning I use this physical expression and experience to bring myself into and as the physical body without losing the point I am focusing to, such as hiking upwards a mountain for instance and looking around, checking where I step to, etc.

Obviously I am the one creating this tension/friction within me, but I’d separate this experience into two types: when I am alone, and myself creating it, and when I am among others(still I am creating it, but I am less aware of it, as I am being focused to others probably and there are certain situations wherein I can be triggered into this ‘improper’ breathing by becoming reactive in the mind)

I wrote already about this in this blog, but that was not enough and as I face this point again, this time digging further and applying practical understanding to support change, well, my breathing to become ‘proper’, which means natural, equated, full, while my experience is present, clear within and directive.

In a way this is what all has to realize that without this ‘state of being’ – one is probably/most likely being totally pre-occupied within one’s mind, which results within being observer in regarding to certain topics within one’s life.

From that moment, when one is rather deciding, concluding, then starting to think, speak, act – then it’s now up to one’s pre-programmed already ‘made-up’ mind to judge, react and direct, based on personality, past, memories, mood, civil-engineered morality, education, family, religion, whatever one allowed to be influenced and mesmerized by throughout one’s life.

I’d say that’s problem. Especially as I also have references, experiences, memories, when I am not compromised with automatic reactions, when I am able to breath ‘properly’, here, unwavering, and it’s obviously more supportive within self-honesty.

So in the next post I continue with Self-forgiveness statements.


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