Day 279 – Finding Courage in Change

cour1Continuing on the Self-suppression investigation-correction.

Directly bringing into the perspective the word and it’s associations: courage.

It’s courage to break through the limitation, the web of self-conviction, halo of justifications and excuses about why I should not move, express and live in regarding to the specific situation I programmed myself to suppress.

It’s courage to find out and explore what is self-honest and how to express it through and as saying and expressing, becoming and living words.

It’s courage to re-define the relationships which through I find meaning and purpose, reason and drive, logic and passion, determination and stance, motivation and direction.

It’s courage to break through the fear of making mistakes, fear of loss, fear of consequence, fear of fear itself, shortly: fear of self. Especially the unknown, which is the most scariest, because I do not know what I am going to do, feel, become, thus rendering any and all knowledge useless and directly experience who I really am in and as here without way out, no past to rely to, no future to project into, but really real, in and as the physical presence, consistently, always, unconditionally.

This is not something I desire for or want to be special with, not even I need to choose, it’s what’s practical common sense to re-align and re-birth with the physical application of the courage to take responsibility for all what is here in and as myself without self-definition, without self-limitation, no polarity.
In terms of the previous posts of suppression and conflict avoidance, the courage I commit myself to live is to not fear from testing out and expressing my speaking up towards others the things I justified not to tell;

I commit myself to not worry from losing someone or something and based on that not to tell when I see it’s the most honest and direct way to establish integrity and self-honesty within myself in regarding to someone, who I defined as one who I should not tell what I feel/see/think and within that to realize that I do not need to suppress feelings or emotions, rather than to see what is the reason, the source, the fear, the self-defined separation/polarity self-definition within and behind it and by that to let go and forgive that I have allowed and accepted this to define what to do and not to do, who I should feel and to be in order to avoid to experience that fear which I also defined that it could change me if could not stop and to realize that I lose much more if I give into this fear than when letting it go, because I am always the strongest at my weakest point, herein this condition, this mind-state, this relationship I am enslaved by in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to purify and let go definitions of what I should do or should not do according to any worry or fear of consequence, losing something or somebody, especially to lose something in my mind as relationship based on the self-interest applied as not speaking up in order to avoid conflict, avoid being opposed, avoid challenged to make my stance within my decision and within that the opportunity to being wrong and then needing to admit and correct it accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to always ensure that I stand firm in relation to my mind, my personal feelings, emotions and desires, resistances and fears and reminding myself that accumulation what brought me here, and whatever is limiting, frustrating also can and should be decomposed with further writing, opening up, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and action.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to purify the word COURAGE to let go polarity and self-interest-based definitions, associations, emotional and feeling reactions in order to be able to see my relationship with this word and to be able to re-define it according to self-honesty and the principle of what is best for all participants here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s easy to go into the mind to overwhelm it by start thinking about the term ‘what is best for all’ and within that to come up and accept justifications and excuses why not change myself to be able to act according to that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by being occupied and narrowminded with the obsession of ‘wanting to have and prove and create’ courage – I am limiting myself because I only see what I want to see and the strive to live the word by a definition which is not self-honest, because it relies to external conditions, such as ‘to create/have/prove courage, I should and must do this and that’ – instead of directly live the word courage in each moment in relation to myself and existence here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined the word courage as something heroic, extraordinary, which requires huge amount of effort and sacrifice, diligence and discipline, which I do never have for too long, therefore allowed to twist the definition of courage based on memories, personality definitions and conditions, energetic experiences, which are in fact not really supporting me in any moment and thus it’s not real courage, only self-created delusion, thus I stop participate and let it go completely.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the courage is to live within self honesty in each moment equally, regardless of any internal or external condition and not to accept anything less that who I can be within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood that to go energetic experiences, obsessions, desires wherein I am limiting my interest to the things I want or resist is the opposite of courage, but an escape into self-delusion, thus I commit myself to stop chasing experiences and be honest of my actual and common sensical needs in order to live and expand within self-growth and awareness, responsibility.

What points I take responsibility by stopping suppression and starting to live actual courage to change and re-define living?

The tendency to get obsessed with material things, such as money, electronic gear, car, clothes and/or attraction/desire for woman/sex and also the need for being accepted, liked, supported, respected, being attracted to.

Recently I was opening up to ‘go out’ and get what I want, such as social life, partnering up, buying things and it was cool, actually took courage to step out from the suppression and simply ‘try to live’.
This is in fact quite usual human ‘occupation’, but if my starting point is of self-interest, it’s my responsibility to change it – myself.

Walking Desteni I Process course since a while really supports me to stop the doubt, the thinking, and get into action and accumulate self-trust, but it’s also equally crucial to continue walking this self-change, because I do see that I am still not 100% present, self-honest and empty, never-driven by energetic experiences, so I continue writing this blog, doing the online course and accumulate understanding and change.

Suppression is big part of the problem here, as I do suppress not only emotional reactions, but also actual needs for support, expression, care and to the point of so much accumulated energy I feel in the mind to discharge somehow, that within that state I am not really aware of what would be actual self-expression and what is complete obsession to some energetic addiction to feed.

Within these cases then the justification can come up to go into it, engage and then will see, what’s this is about and then wanting to stop once understanding that this is of self-dishonesty and all the way not realizing the fact that by the very starting point of suppression I am sabotaging my self-trust, self-integrity and self-honesty, thus until I am not standing here undefined, empty and unwaveringly present here, I should not trust any of these desires, energetic experiences as something I should follow/feed/react to.

That’s it for now, will continue on self-correction.

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