Continuing on Suppression self-liberation process.
Let’s do a rant on what I see to prepare an effective self-forgiveness to be specifically aware of the self-accepted self-dishonest patterns to support myself to make the stand to stop and change those points as myself directly.
Last time stopped at the word and the personality around of the word ‘conflict‘ as something to avoid at all costs.
I was looking at this word during the last week and there are things I did not say to people around me before but several times I had the thoughts in my mind. I wanted to know, what are the reasons not to say out aloud, so also looked at.
It seems like there are several always ‘returning’ topics within my self-realization process as I am peeling off the onion-layers of the mind and this is also like that: avoiding conflict is not specific enough, because at certain scenarios I do not mind, more specifically: I do not care of the consequence of me saying things causing conflict. But to add to that, also can happen that in other times I deliberately trigger certain consequences within others, meaning causing them to have conflict within themselves. Fascinating. It looks like that avoiding internal conflict is what I am up to and if that I have to ‘protect’, I do not really think twice to put that onto others. But am I really? This is also not specific enough, there are certain individuals who are exception to that. The question is why.
I used to live within constant internal conflict, that was the main reason to start the journey to liberation/freedom by studying the mind and the consciousness systems, because I fed up with what I ‘contain’ within my head and causing me living in a mind-prison. Especially with the fact that the more inner conflict I ‘self-inflict’, the less I am able to make clean assessment and decisions, meaning compromising my common sense, stability and overall performance, regardless of the topic and I really do not like this, because that means I am highly ineffective, imperfect, more likely to fail and then fall.
That is a pressure, not wanting to fail, remain imperfect, thus it’s a strong motivation to avoid inner conflict. Here ‘fall’ means I have this experience of hitting rock bottom from where I do require time and effort to pull myself together. Which I also do not really enjoy, especially when realizing that I am within a time loop for instance, meaning repeating a pattern which does not support me or others and I see it but still not stopping.
In terms of external conflict, it’s also something to avoid, because if it’s too much, I also can have the tendency to react to it, which means the same: going into reactions, compromising presence, direction, effectiveness, accumulating doubt, hesitation, frustration, anger. Also cool point to pronounce ‘when it’s too much’ and ‘why’ ?
However within the whole self-stabilizing pattern the flaw and fault is that regardless of how much I can see the pattern I behave as, how uncomfortable, frustrating, self-limiting and de-stabilizing things come, at times I do not dig deeper, I do not even consider the option to somehow learn more about this behavior and figure out a way to change myself, but rather finding new tactics to cope with it, to equalize myself, to live with this pattern, as believing this is part of me, which is in fact self-dishonest, because I am responsible for what I accept and allow and how can I give into it to accept it until I have never even tried everything of my abilities to stop and change?
Well, mostly these patterns ruled my life before starting Desteni I Process education, which is exactly for these kind of self-sabotaging patterns to understand and change, but at times still can influence my daily living. That’s why I decompose these patterns further.
This blog is also the journey, that’s why it’s Journey to Life, because from where I start, is Consciousness to Awareness, where is I am conned by patterns what do not support me and actually all life, and by becoming aware of how these patterns work, I see my direct responsibility of how to stop participating and start re-defining my Life, word by word, act by act, breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have not realized by avoiding conflicts I am actually responsible for allowing it to be in this world, regardless of being within me or outside of me, as I am also the world, as cannot separate myself from it, regardless of what thoughts, beliefs, projections I can occupy myself with.
I forgive myself that I have not dared to say and do things what I believed would bring inner or external conflict to preserve my perceived and guarded peace, which I defined as opposite of conflict.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that by being afraid of conflict became addicted to the experience of perceived opposite and defined it as peace and not realizing what I am compromising in order to maintain that and meanwhile by being occupied of this experience, not actually seeing what I am being afraid and why and to free myself from it by finding a practical solution.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense of whenever I become unstable, reactive and emotional to first and foremost stabilize and re-align myself back to here, within physical presence and self-directive principle and not go into the reactions and allow my mind to be triggered by those reactions and then acting upon those.
I forgive myself that I have not dared to realize that fearing of failing is self-dishonest because in the moment I participate in the fear, I am not able to actually discipline myself with my fullest potential to actually prevent the failure I am about to manifest, therefore to stop reacting, stabilizing, breathing, being here is inevitable, thus this is what I should do in case of losing presence and self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop and change any pattern within my mind what I see/realize and understand that it’s self-dishonest and I do not have to fear from looking into it deeply and more in details, because I can change myself and I trust myself within this and thus nothing within me I could not understand and stop/change and re-define in terms of who I am and what I stand up to, such as here to self-honesty.
When and as I see a conflict in front of me or within me which I want to avoid, I fear facing it’s consequence of my falling, failing in relation to it, I stabilize myself, bringing back here, into and as physical and realize that I can understand how this works and why and I can and should stop and change this behavior, personality, pattern and instead of focusing to reactions, self-judgement, I should focus to practical change.
When and as I see that I am conflicted within by a decision I can’t make in the moment and building up tension, I apply the solution to stabilize myself and step out from the mind character pattern-flow by realizing the feel of the conflict – losing presence, direction, physical awareness, confidence – and I breathe, and I let it go and see what is the pattern what is blocking me to apply the most practical and supportive decision, for instance if seeing as effective, write about it, to consider the outcome, others.
When and as I feel that I would say something to somebody what would make him or her to judge me or distance me or become conflicted what he/she would bring onto me by wanting to talk about it more I stop and breathe and I realize that I would again want to avoid conflict by not just standing up once but the self-honesty is to stay standing constantly and consistently and work my decision through the reality I face and to see if I can live like this within self-honesty.
When and as I worry of someone wants to argue with me or bring the conflict ‘back to me’ so to speak, I stand and remain here and apply practical common sense and to realize that I do not have to worry of fear if I am self-honest and if I am not, then I re-align, and I communicate and express myself accordingly.
I commit myself to stop avoiding conflict within the fear of I would be affected so much that I would not be able to be effective or operational and realizing how to solve these conflicts, and how to change myself accordingly.
I commit myself to stop fearing from inner or outer conflict and to realize that conflict brings up a point I am not solved yet, thus it’s actually supportive and it’s my responsibility to transform it to a gift of self-change.
I commit myself to recognize the pattern of conflict within and then re-align and re-stabilize myself into and as physical presence.
I just had an important realization:
When and as I express myself and that creates a reflection of somebody coming at me in reaction and that makes me react into internal conflict, that means I am reacting to a mind-pattern within myself what is MY responsibility to deal with, stop, re-align and transcend.
This does not mean that if I am able to do whatever I want and do not feel regret, shame, doubt or turmoil for the consequences that I have transcended the mind/ego/self-sabotage, because if I train and condition myself to do not feel(and not with the mind-feelings/emotions way, but with self-honest awareness), if I am not taking responsibility for the outcome of my actions, basically that is kind of psychopath. So it’s important to distinguish I do not suggest to just be able to do whatever I want without feeling any remorse, but
When and as I am absolutely, self-honestly clear within, empty, aligned with principle of what is best for me and all equally without any interference/influence/inflation/pressure of any emotion and feeling I have expressed myself and that causes somebody to react and I am about to react to that, I cross-reference, check and see if I am aligned with LIFE and if not, then I forgive myself for what I have accepted to perceive and act upon it and I change.
When and as I am certain that I am clear and acting according to principled living by considering all the participants here, I make my stand and I do not react, I do not go into doubt, reactions, emotions, worry, fear of loss of anything or even fear of pain, but I breathe and I trust myself and apply practical common sense.
This is a crucial point within my process of self-honesty, because whatever I did in my past, mostly influenced by blurring emotions of desire, anger or hate or jealousy or whatever, supercharged by alcohol or drugs, fear or adrenaline, I was almost always find a tiny-winy doubt within myself and by that I undermined absolute self-trust, presence and self-direction and that is self-sabotage, which is in fact self-dishonest, because in fact I can understand the pattern to the degree of changing it – and myself, but there are another patterns supporting my dishonesty to not do so, thus those also has to be revealed, remembered, understood and eventually stopped to participating within.
To be continued…