Continuing with Suppression patterns. This time opening up CONFLICT.
Part of the problem is not to be honest with myself, thus remaining in circles of levels of my mind’s superficial self-defined reaction-loops, such as focusing to the positive and negative energies I feel by the judgements I allow to be triggered automatically and call this as my personality.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can dare to be absolutely honest with myself and directly see things without allowing to automatically apply polarity of positive or negative judgements and reactions to it.
I forgive myself that I have not developed the practical skill to be direct and honest with myself at any time, all the time and within that, never questioning why not to realize the stupidity of such self-sabotage and thus manifesting layers of self-definitions, judgements, thought-patterns to keep my mind in balance of an experience so called stability, which is in fact not real self-stability within reality, but exists only as perception, delusion: a mirage which actually requires energy and active participation of thoughts, feelings and emotions to maintain, re-create and evolve to avoid facing direct facts here, which I have defined as avoidable, because of fear of change, fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the systems I’ve created in my mind were so blunt and self-dishonest that I developed ways not to actually see and understand what I am doing, thus suppression became a habit, within which I put experiences and reactions within me ‘under the carpet’ so to speak, so then I feel not being influenced by those, I do not need to be exposed to those reactions, the source points of those reactions and thus not needing to realize that something is wrong within me and/or in the reality around me, because of another judgement or fear of loss, by a value I’ve defined as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I really want, which I’ve called, defined and imagined as freedom is when I do not suppress anything, yet I do not have to fear from whatever is coming up within me, because I do not judge myself, yet I do not accept anything less than who I really am within self-honesty, meaning that I do not accept any self-limitation by my mind and committing myself to find practical ways to bring out and live my utmost potential.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that in order to have an experience of freedom, I’ve defined it the way as I was able to in the times when I was unable to deal with fear, self-limitation and self-dishonesty, and since then I’ve allowed patterns and habits, automatic behaviour within my mind and actual physical actions to continue to be acted out in the belief that this is what’s right and the possibly best to do, meanwhile if I slow down within, if I question my reasoning, my reactions, my starting point, the possible consequences, I can easily see, that the best practical solution is to stop my mind to move and start trusting myself by directly moving myself without any patterns from the past and accumulate actual self-knowing without any self-definitions, thoughts, feelings or emotions to be relied upon.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not aware of the occasions when I fear of being confronted, being rejected, being attacked, being resisted and automatically avoiding such situations, conversations, people and the same within myself: to open up specific points within me what not wanting to face, take responsibility for and answer within absolute self-honesty so then I would realize the necessity and common sense to stop it immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood what are the reasons and justifications, excuses and self-definitions within me what I give permission to influence, direct me not to stop suppressing and avoiding confrontational and conflicting situations with others and within myself, and thus not naming the game, so I am beating around the bush, whitewashing the facts, so I do not realize how much I sabotage myself and preventing myself to actually, really live.
I forgive myself that I have defined to be unpleasant when being in conflict with someone, because I’ve defined that the person when I meet her/him, then tends to become emotional and reactive, uncomfortable and unpleasant experience and not realizing that it does not have to become like that and what I feel is completely my responsibility and within that I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can change myself to not become reactive and emotional even within conflicting situations.
I forgive myself that I have defined the amount of inner conflict I have to be dependent on the external conflict I am within, thus automatically become conflicted within when I am in interaction with someone within a conflict, meaning not agreeing on something and also not accepting that based on starting points what we also might not agree within of why.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I do not face external confrontations, then that means that I am free from internal conflict too and thus being actually free and not realizing that I am actually dependent on avoiding specific situations externally and also suppressing specific thoughts, feelings and emotions within.
I forgive myself that I have not realized why I become emotional, reactive and losing my presence within conflicting situations, externally with others or internally with myself and thus becoming so charged up, that I lose the experience of stability I had before and within that I am becoming unpredictable and my experience of presence also becomes more uncomfortable, because I am acting out automatically based on patterns of who I have defined and accepted myself to be the character of ‘within the conflict’.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual methods and ways of how I evolved suppression into a split second action wherein I am automatizing it to happen to the degree of not even being aware of it, just to preserve the experience of stability, which in fact is not real, because being dependent on the suppression and the conditions of which the suppression can happen and be maintained.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being within external conflict, that means that I fear of losing something, which I actually do not have, but I want to keep the illusion of having it without admitting that it’s an illusion, thus by having the strategy of avoiding conflicts, creating the reality of not having conflicts, while the very existence and my habit of avoiding conflicts is actually the main conflict within my life, because it becomes self-limitation, which, as I feel being conflicted by, again: I suppress, distract myself, try to avoid situations and inner reactions to face, realize, understand it, thus deepening the self-sabotage, self-delusion and self-dishonesty.
Okay, going somewhere, this conflict point seems to be a key within the ‘act’ of suppression, so I will continue with this…