Day 276 – Suppression to forgive

IMG_1191Let’s continue Suppression investigation with a ‘free ride’ Self-forgiveness flow. Whatever comes as I realize in the moment as I could do more self-honestly, I give a shot for change with wording the pattern I understand as how and why I participated within.

It’s like archaeology, I know that something relevant happened in the past, now I got this ‘dig site’, as I started to build something in my life and then as I was working for the basement, found some ruins within my mind which can tell a history and deeper understanding about myself.

I forgive myself that I have believed that suppression is good for me, because I can remain stable and continue with the process I was participating within, which actually caused quite some stirring and energetic movements within me, what started to influence me to the state of becoming unstable, which I got afraid of, thus I pushed it down in my mind, my body and just wanted to get it behind me and not realizing that my body is where my real awareness exists, and it remembers, it stores and it contains everything I participate within, just I am not seeing, feeling, BEING it, because I exist on the conscious mind level, which is extremely limited.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what suppression actually is, which is trying to escape from reality here and using the body to store the energy, to deal with the tension, which originates from self-judgement, inner friction, conflict and fear, what I do not want to face or see, thus developed techniques to ‘swallow’ the tension, the emotional reaction, the energetic experience to get back into my apparently stable conscious mind experience, where I can feel that I am the director, even if I am not, because I am completely subjected to my past preprogrammed judgement-reaction personality and the external circumstances I find myself within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do not look at something, if I do not allow it to become aware of, if I do not open myself and my mind to it to experience, feel it – it does not mean it’s not here, it’s not existing, even if this ‘thing’ is within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simple principle of what I resist persists, thus also not realizing that anything and everything I suppress, I will have to face it eventually and if I do not actively open it up to take responsibility for everything I suppressed, that means those things will accumulate and will manifest an overwhelming experience, wherein I have no directive power, I can become possessed with the energetic state, the mind-construct and the nature of the relationship and self-definitions of the words in that relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is no middle ground within self-honesty – I do participate within the mind and then basically accumulating suppression and self-sabotage in a moment, or I am expressing myself and walking through consequences and accumulating self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to complicate things within myself when it comes to self-honesty and becoming confused of the actual problems I face and wondering around of what could be the solution, meanwhile if I do not see what could support me acting towards practical solution, I am still participating within a mind-construct, as mind-construct, from where I do not see a simple solution, thus I have to stop participating in that construct, which then I word down and apply self-forgiveness to what I accepted until I am here and I am empty, silent, yet directive, as simply as I breathe here – and if it’s not that simple, then I investigate, write, ask for support, keep forgiving for the reasons I see of not being able to see, realize and understand my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking as humans usually ‘do’ is actually suppression, when I have inner conversation, backchat, automatic ‘free’ association, semi-automatic judgments, comparisons – that is not ‘doing’, that is already a manifestation of doubt, uncertainty, fear, because if I would really understand, know and believe within myself, I would not ‘stop’ for thinking, especially with the fact that all I ever think is actually the repetition of past and past judgments; but I would express, speak, act and live, directly, without any need for participating within thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting to acknowledge, realize and understand how and why thinking is suppression is also part of the automatic, self-judgemental mind-construct I gave permission to run, behave as myself and thus superimposing the whole physical beingness of who I am, and thus indeed manifesting to be and become what I think, but only that, which is extreme self-limitation, because relies on my past thinkings, external trigger-point based condition-rule-system and energetic states which I did not yet understood how they work, because if I would, I would really know, that this way of ‘living’ is not actual living, but a manifested protection mechanism for self-interest, fear to not needing to acknowledge the fact that I am not free and being enslaved no one else, but myself actually.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression as dominant mind-pattern is the result of a self-accepted strategy for fearing conflict, fearing change and fearing to let go the past, because what I face, see, feel and experience makes me being disturbed, wanting to resist to feel, fearing from being influenced by, so I deliberately distract myself with something else, and as I see this method sort of working, I do it until I can, and within that ‘strategy’ – I literally try not to take responsibility for what I experience, and when it eventually comes, I will not be prepared and I will again resist it, so basically will go back to square one, where I started, thus simply losing time and effort until I eventually realize that I have to stand up and change this pattern – as myself equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression can be stopped by investigating, decomposing and forgiving the patterns my mind constitutes and within doing that, I stop identifying myself with the pattern I study in my mind, and also stop identifying myself with the thoughts/feelings/emotions I try to suppress to see what is actually the issue here to be able to understand that and solve the problem.

What excuses and justifications I could see for deliberate suppression to act ‘out’?

Politeness, morality, self-judgement, fear of loss, fear of instability, fear of change, fear of fear.

Every day I focus on expressing myself and stop judging and not being afraid to make mistakes as that is actually part of the learning process. It started to become more clear, when are the trigger points can kick in, wherein I would go into ‘awkwardness’, ‘doubtfulness’, ‘shyness’ and even ‘shame’ sometimes, which seems weird, but that is what I see as I walk through the layers of the mind, which I take responsibility for to change as myself.

I will continue from this point…

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