A point opened up, which is related to physical activities I participate within.
Since I’ve moved out from the city to the village, around the house, there is always something to do. For instance, recently started to do some gardening: dug up some area and then planted some vegetable seeds.
I dug for about an hour and during it I was able to notice a thing what I always remember participating within while doing physical work – especially, which requires some strength.
It’ like I really narrow my mind to the very thing I actually do and I do not really think meanwhile, however I can notice that there are actually thoughts in my head. Sometimes about some completely irrelevant things, but often catching myself actually thinking the same thing I do: ‘digging’ – and then ‘raising the shovel’, ‘smashing the soil’, ‘pushing it’, ‘pushing my leg’, ‘turning the chunk of soil’, ‘let’s do this’, ‘digging’.
Well, it does seem pretty harmless, isn’t it, as I do actually do what I think, however if I really slow down, I notice that well, actually:
-this thinking is unnecessary – I already know what I have to do, and I can do it without thinking it, wording it out
-it feels like I am fully becoming occupied with it, kind of feeling it as a pressure point, in a way, feels like obsessive or even possessive, which is not really the case, as I do stop for taking a rest, but until that, it can happen, that I am feeling like ‘I am pushing this to do, and yes, more and more, let’s push it, come on, one more, yes, do it’, which make it feel like a struggle, however in fact it is not. Certainly, because there is no obligation, I do not need to hurry, it’s just me here, doing this gardening and the reason for it to just enjoy and explore and as I already do it, I should do it in a way that serves the purpose for why I do it – to prepare well the soil to plant seeds to grow vegetables for instance.
It almost feels like a ghost in my head silently shouting what to do and I am immediately following these words to do so and makes it like I should hurry, get busy, push it, continue.
It even feels sometimes, like it’s a compulsion, I decided to do it, I started it, so then I should finish it, and thus I rather get really effective then right now, no time to waste, but this ‘feel’ is not completely direct/pure of self here, but comes from the mind, thus it’s not self-honest.
I have some memories coming up to this particular behaviour, exactly two I share here to prepare for Self-forgiveness to apply for the points I reveal here:
One is when my mother became obsessive and she got really busy doing her things and even skipped to sleep. During the day she was packing firewood and as the sun went down and we were tired and returned to the house, she was still packing the wood, into the warehouse and she was like ‘I have to finish it’ and it seemed really weird in that time, but in her eyes there was this seriousness, such a determination what even seemed like a bit ‘loco’ / ‘crazy’.
Before I threw a party at my place I cleaned the house around. I thought that there is a level what I have to reach in order the house to be ready for the guests in terms of cleanliness and then I was cleaning for hours.
Although I finished my plan, but meanwhile I sometimes felt it a bit of overthinking about it.
It’s much more behind this, but in short: there is this pressure point I used to utilize deliberately within myself to be effective. And pressure here means stress. Not that I was stressed about it, but it was not a gentle, comfortable, smooth self-expression. Not as everything has to be like that, but this was a bit of pushy, because in short time I had to do a lot of things and I ‘went back’ to this obsessive mind-state, which is probably appears as ‘normal’ to most of the people, however for me, recently this point is ‘coming out’ within my self-expression, that I do not need to utilize the mind and my old personality characteristics to move, express, do and get things done, meaning becoming obsessed, and ‘narrow-minded’ a bit about it and keep reminding myself that it must be done, no other way, like constantly persuading myself. So that’s it, and I see this much more detailed now, will write down exactly as I am ready to let this go and enjoy the change.
What I am redefining is that I do not need stress to move and enjoy and be effective. The stress was to have energetic experiences to make me break through my own inner resistances, suppression and doubts, uncertainties. Since I walk this process, I am capable of assessing the situation and make the decision of what is the best to be done and then just go for it. And if there is resistance, I do not need energy to boost myself, but rather just stop for a moment and deal with that resistance: seeing for what it is, what words, relationship, memory and basically doubt or fear I hold onto what creates this resisting ‘against’ my will – and then I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this pattern and how I am doing it and by that I actually understand it’s specificity and then I can see the pattern unfolding before participating and I say no, I stop, and I change.
So, in short, that’s what I am going to continue with in the next post, purifying my physical expression and decompose the patterns of energy-creation through the mind, because it’s pointless, creates unnecessary circles and in fact self-dishonest – I should and can ‘just’ do it as I am certain that I do not want to continue creating my life the way that I would always have resistances to do what I realized would be the best to do.
Great support I find on how to walk this process at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com