Day 268 – Contemplating on existence

IMG_2667Today I start with by my observations of my external reality and then reflecting it back to self here.

So many impressions I have every day and so many things seem so solid, blunt and direct, which is obviously the physical world we live within, the infrastructure and human system for instance – industry, development, mass traffic and transit, very simple and also highly sophisticated machinery, everything being animated with lazy precision, each part of this massive system apparently exactly knows what’s its purpose and where it is going.

Myself also, I every day drive out from the village area, through a little town into the capital city, climbing a small mountain on a thin road and then descending towards the bridge of the river and by crossing it reaching the heart of the city, where I drive into the underground parking garage of the office where I work.
Permeating so many things and often wondering, apparently everyone exactly KNOWS what they are doing, where are going and I would think that they also are aware of the WHY too.
It’s interesting that in the city, everyone seems to be in a hurry and not really liking when being held up, so in this sense, there is not much spontaneity or randomness. Everyone is highly scheduled and constantly occupied with where they have to go, so then they just do, almost like – automatically.
Obviously, if I am sick, I go to doctor, if I need to buy a wheelbarrow, I go to the store, that is a no-brainer.

I like to imagine the idea of that I actually had a decision before doing an action, or in this example: finding the need to be somewhere else before starting to go there.

Since my childhood, I always wondered: what keeps this system alive, where to look to find the deeper meaning, the origin point of this apparently automatic pre-occupation of everyone so to speak.

When I started to work on peeling off the onion of my own mind personality, a dreadful realization hit me, that most beings in this existence simply keep going in the same patterns based on a fear or hope: fear from ceasing to exist, fear from the unknown, and a hope to find a better future, a better one than what we have right here and now.

Simply asking myself: Why I go to work – I need the money to have food and shelter, to express myself, to share myself, to basically buy a life which is not bad and be able to work on the projects I feel I need to do.
Why I go to a party? To enjoy myself and others, to be entertained, to have fascinating experiences. For instance.

What I noticed and still keep noticing since many years is that from outside it’s so obvious, certain and determined, but when I really look at my options, there can be uncertainty, doubt, even anxiety, which I might not even realize, but throughout the years, my human physical body is picking these up and ‘keeping them for me’ and by this accumulation starting to show signs of imperfection.

Many people around me has physical or even mental problems and they keep asking ‘why’ and ‘how to stop’ and it’s so inherent within all of us to accept and embrace, endure and allow the circumstances and consequences we face to determine the patterns we are headed to continue within.

When I was really troubled back there, before started to walk the self-support of Desteni I Process and Self-forgiveness and to give up the false ideas in my head – I often felt that something is wrong here, with me, with the world, but I could not word it, though it was right in front of my eyes, I just could not see.

The very essence of our perception, the capacity to perceive, notice, see, process and understand things, ourselves and each other is where we omit to focus, just like as the sword can’t cut itself, the camera can’t record itself – with our already developed, formed, habituated and matured personality and mind consciousness: we are unable to see that, which with we identified ourselves with, thus literally not seeing the forest from the tree so to speak.

Might seem as a cliche to quote from The Matrix movie, but I really agree with this:

“…The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world, that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. What truth? That you are a slave, Neo.
Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch, a prison for your mind…”

We cannot see what we are became as it is part of our self-definition, even if it’s extreme self-limitation. So many examples are here – just like how ‘natural’ to teach war and destruction, abuse and genocide to kids, it’s shocking and we justify it by saying ‘it’s the truth’ – yes it is, but it does not mean we should accept as our nature, as based on common sense, proven studies: human nature actually can be changed as it is of the mind consciousness, what is programmable by words, thus each one’s responsibility to understand and re-align the mind to step out our self-created mind-matrix-prison.
The study of the human mind consciousness system – because it is a systematic manifestation – is essential here in order to gain a really aware momentum about where we are coming from, what are we doing and where we are going to. Beyond the endless cycles of daily routines.

Mostly only those wonder about how to change their life who are suffering – the happy people seem to remain intact with their personal bubble of life, which really questions the validation and justification of their own interest for maintaining their pursuit for good experiences without wanting to see the consequences of their actions to everybody else.

Regardless of how ridiculous it sounds – I really worked hard on letting go this obsession with happiness, because it’s merely a mirage – simply the capacity to find something within my mind by which I can feel good and then get things done in reality to induce it. Individualism, liberalism, free choice people can refer this – for me it’s self-deception, because it relies to self-definitions, judgements, convictions and whenever I really scratch these within myself, always finding a lot of layers which beyond there is just some fear.

To commit myself to live without any fear – this is worthy of stating, sounding and sharing. I used to be a some sort of ‘daredevil’ – to chase out specific fears in my mind and then forcing myself to go through these experiences by inducing and creating circumstances where I could face these and do which I had the resistances to – seemed like I sermonized fear itself and showed who is the boss and convincing myself that I do not fear, just to actually justify not to see what I really fear from, which is always the same for everyone: the unknown, which is actually SELF HERE.

How ridiculous it sounds that I would fear from who I am already here, but when letting go all excuses, thoughts, feelings, emotions with their own limited, binary system of positive and negative, it is common sense: I am already here, regardless of what I think or feel, I already act, cause consequences, create and manifest what’s coming next, so why even bother to listen to these thoughts, feelings, emotions I’ve been subjected in my past and now echoing back? If I really ask why, then it’s obvious: because I do not know, I do not dare, I do not feel, I do not see, I do not live directly.

Then I dare to ask why.

See, to pin-point the core problem is not that difficult, even a stoner or a drunk can experience this moment of awareness in a sudden, genuine self-reflection, but knowledge itself is merely useless, because in fact we always already know this shit, we all are aware of that we are not absolutely self-honest and the question is that do we really invest time, effort, work to understand the specificity and exact detail of our own self-deception to be able to realize the distance we walked away from this simple way of existence: consistent and absolute self-honesty.

I never liked compromises, somehow just can make me mad and edgy, so I make decisions carefully, however what I often do not realize is that the compromises I already made, already integrated into my personality and thus already expressing, animating and ‘living’ by them, of them, as them.

I have realized, that if I go into thinking, listening to back-chat, having inner conversation, dialogue, ‘hearing’ the silent words in my head: I am in fear, not really existing as self-honesty, but of fear, because I do not live directly, I do not realize, see, understand directly, but in a way degrading myself into this binary system of separated self-interest of good and bad, positive and negative, me and them, here and there.

It seems like it’s a spiritual mumbo-jumbo is being indicated here, such as ‘no separation, oneness, everything is equal’ stuff, which would mean that when using mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions is actually inferior, but what if it is indeed?

Who goes into an investigation to reveal the extent of our own self-created limitations, compromises and delusions by our own mind consciousness system in order to start agreeing that thoughts, feelings and emotions, the way we rely to these are really self-dishonest actions?

Science cannot be relied to or trusted as it is animated only by already infected ideas from consciousness systems, such as to prove something or earn profit, lessen or multiply harm based on an INTEREST. And if all not included, it’s not self-honest, as who I am is IN THE REST too, not just ME, as this mind MEME.

The question I asked from myself was: “Am I really free?” And my answer was NO. And then the next question is: “Do I really want to get free? And my answer was, is and will be: YES.

Even the very idea of ‘freedom’ means only one thing: ‘slavery’. In order to even conceive freedom, I have to have it’s opposite.

Also many people I know of eventually state in reflection to freedom: ‘I would like to be free, but I can’t’.
Then the common sense is to ask why and how.

Also often get the answer – “I am a coward, so no, I can’t and probably won’t be free.” – is it really cowardice – to not face the fears we experience, to not answer the questions we have questions for?
I used to directly approach people and within some moments I could ‘feel’ that if the person is willing to and ready to ask the relevant questions and also daring to answer them, as we are the problem, we hold the key to the solution too!
However I also realized that this always starts with self here – am I willing to and actually living this decision to let go the fear?
It is not even the fear we fear – as it’s merely nothing – ridiculous to even think that I would fear from disappearing as if I really would do so – then nothing to fear from actually – I have troubles and then not – what is that strives to continue? Maybe as we feel that there is no escape from facing manifested consequences, maybe we exactly know deep within what is the actual self-dishonesty points we accept to hide behind and that is scary.
But everything can be decomposed within the mind – that is a cool indication of a developed, responsible human being – who can understand the relationships within one’s mind and to ask – is it supporting me and others? And if not, then to see – how can I let go the false ideas, how can I re-define words to be able to live them as myself as supportive and enjoyable, to accumulate consequences from which I do not have to fear and hide?
Certainly worthy of practical consideration. For a while, back there, I believed that this can be supported with mind-altering substances.

I used to use psychedelic drugs in order to push my limits and expand my perception. At least I believed so, however one of the last times I used marijuana since quite some years ago was a very pragmatic experience: I had an insight and I started to ask why I have this experience, and then there was an answer within me, from me, which gave birth to another question and then another answer came and this was going on for a while.

I dared not to stop finding REAL answers within me, from me. That simple self-liberation can be started with.

Yes, there were some uncomfortable, even hurtful and truthful moments of realizations about aspects of myself I discovered as self-dishonest, not so honourable or even weak/spiteful/selfish, but the most important point is to also realize: yes, I am like this today, but does not mean I have to stay so, thus the decision to change I stand up to.

In fact, from that moment I never ‘needed’ any drug anymore – as I realized, I can ask and answer – and if I can’t answer that, then I go deeper and ask why is that and then answer that – and if still can’t, then digging deeper, until the big wall of resistance and ‘mystical’ ‘truths’ starts to be smaller by building bricks of words, and their relationships, energetic reactions and the more I decompose, let go, re-define, the more I can develop this skill to ask and answer directly – no stuff needed, no ritual either, just ‘plain’ self-honesty.

People think that their way of thinking is determined, part of who they really are, but it’s part of a conditioning, pre-programming and can be changed – takes effort and time, but possible if one knows how to walk the path to become self-honest.

This is the moment of Awakening to Purpose – self-honesty and the decision to live it

In a way, I am my own living example of change is possible, even the nasty ones, my substance addiction, fear from responsibility and the most relevant: fear from being here, facing self – can be decomposed as patterns of the mind and to apply self-forgiveness to take responsibility and find practical ways to stop and change my perception, thinking, words and behaviour.

Many people want to change the world to a better place, but it’s imperative to recognize that change must come from within, self, here, otherwise it’s called control and enslavement, which will be then resisted and fought based on the fear of loss, which is the same fear from self changing self and as it’s being resisted, suppressed, individuals keep accumulating to manifest it on the physical level, as there is this saying: what goes around, comes around.
Eventually we have to realize that we have limited ourselves within a closed system, shared by all of us equally.

All I wrote here today was to pronounce that I claim to have a purpose, a direction, a clarity and stability, what I lacked before and it’s still a process, but I always reflect back when I spend a lot of time with other people who obviously stumble,just as I did before and not yet realizing this specific Purpose to accumulate actions to become absolutely self-honest and to live that directly in each moment equally.

Not to jump into conclusions, but happiness is merely a fragile mirage within our own persona and to realize that it is a facade is not a difficult thing if we are willing to include others also into the life-equation here.

How can I justify to build and maintain my experience of happiness if it costs to other beings suffering?
If we really look at how the current world system has built, it is really interconnected through money, economy, law, corporations, etc…even if I do not admit it and I ‘just try to stay cool under the radar’ – I am participant of the ‘Matrix’, the big system, what seems so giant that if we compare ourselves to, we feel powerless, but only because we did not yet research the actual accumulation and consequence each individual ‘sacrifices’ to this system in order to maintain their own bubble of self-interested existence. Except there is a limit and eventually noone will be able to hide or escape from all what we caused within existence, so better to stand up here and now today and take responsibility.

Excuses everyone can have, but to not stand up to what could be better is ‘highly illogical’, as we will all die anyway, so to fear from being destroyed by those who already have the power and want to keep it – it’s all in reverse.
We feel that we should respect to have the meaning of our life by at least trying to enjoy it, but in fact what we ‘feel’ and ‘experience’ is really meaningless, because will not accumulate to what is best for all others, therefore one day will come back inevitably.

Even if the answer here is that ‘our very existence is cannibalistic, we kill and eat other animals/plants’ does not justify to abuse other humans, to marginalize, exclude and disregard any children, who are we all know innocent and will become rotten of our systematic joke of ‘civilization’, wherein up to this day genocide, annihilation and extinction is our subtitle if we dare to be honest of what humans are really doing on this Earth.

Yes, there are nice moments, beautiful playground experiences, great positive feelings and lots of fun, but most humans do not dare to know what is the price for these and everyone who live in abundant and somewhat happy life are part of the elite, while 4/5 of the human population never actually lives but survives day by day with bitter hope, building anger and hunger for revenge.
And also yes, there is a thin layer of leadership, corporate, banking, law and military ruling class, groups, cabals, who grasp most of the money, military and actual power around here, but they would be literally nothing if people really would stand up to their own self-interest, self-dishonesty and self-limitation and simply starting LIVING and taking responsibility and accumulate what is really best for all participants, which is to stop this.

Maybe I am idealistic, but if I am really self-honest, to accept the current system and justify it as “it was always like this” or “there is no better way” or “it is human nature” – then, this would mean I am still enslaved by my own mind, by my own fear to not be able to think outside of the box and dare to be free, because it’s simple common sense, mathematically prove-able that there could be a system that would support all participants and to be really able to start working to minimize and eventually sort out the abuse, the cannibalism, the hate and fear. Just have to start it and walk the process breath by breath, starting with our own mind, which actually owns us, that’s our debt we all have to pay back if we want to leave the cult of death, simply because living through the mind is certainly not living.

Self-support online course to change self and discover self-honesty: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self-supporting audio and video: http://eqafe.com

School of Ultimate Living(SOUL): http://schoolofultimateliving.com

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