Taking responsibility for the self-dishonesty I’ve opened up within my last post in regarding to how I used music – not always, but often.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as trigger point to re-live and re-react to my past experiences and memories in order to occupy myself and not be consistent here within each breath equally without questioning why do I really act like that, beyond the conviction and justification of ‘feeling good by listening my favorite music collection’.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in terms of I’ve created relationships with my past experiences, how and what I’ve defined within those moments and defined myself to always react the same way, or even if I would change in regarding to how I would react to the specific memory, that is not by decision and self-direction, but based on another reaction to another specific memory or experience and thus basically giving myself up to being triggered to react the same way whenever my mind or circumstances dictate.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the possibility and actuality of my mind deciding things ‘behind’ my awareness, wherein if I would really slow down in those moments and be absolutely here within and as the physical and not got lost in the mind, I could see that it is actually being done by my consent and permission and that is the responsibility point I have to take and embrace.
I forgive myself that I have not really considered to investigate, find out and actually realize and live the body presence physical awareness required to be able to observe myself as the mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, memories, definitions, judgments and convictions, because exactly being constantly and consistently occupied with those within myself.
I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I am not the director and creator of my life, because of the already manifested patterns, acceptances and actual word-based self-definitions, which by I am at the mercy of circumstances, my environment, my conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind, thus existing within self-separation based on the conviction that this is who I am and this is life and this is what I must improve, evolve, develop and protect as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that by defining a specific memory and experience based on my interest, my perception and experiences, I am becoming subjective, which if I take granted, especially if I am using my already existing self-definitions of my ego mind rule system; therefore I should question the authority within myself, which is being applied apparently and admittedly automatically without I am really being aware of, therefore here is this aspect, part of me, who I am not aware of, I do not know, I do not feel, I do not see, I do not experience, I do not live and direct, but existing separately from my actual experience of myself.
I forgive myself that I have defined the personality, the energetic experiences and self-definitions, the polarity of positive and negative judgments of actions and reactions within me without realizing that this is completely self-made up, therefore whatever I experience based on these self-definitions, judgments, opinions is merely delusional, therefore to take these seriously means I do exist as self-created imagination.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define how I feel, what I must do, how I must react based on the self-definitions and memories, experiences, convictions of how I decided to be defined in my past and still remaining so, – then I am living a lie, which is not who I really am, what is actually right HERE in and as the physical reality, shared with all others around me equally, what I accept and choose to disregard when relying to my mind, therefore if I act and react to re-establish, re-experience, re-react to these self-definitions and memories, then I am denying and escaping from what is here, I am existing within fear, which I might not know or even know of what I fear from, resulting to turn my back to actual reality and not wanting to face because of something I again – do know or do not know, but within that I can already see that I can reveal all of me if I decide and direct myself, thus if I do not know myself, do not live myself, do not free myself, do not express myself, then I am not life, but manifested consequences of programmed organic systems based on fear.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I really-really look into myself as deeply as possible, as honestly as possible, I can actually see/realize/understand everything I react of how and why I am who I am today, therefore I actually can take responsibility for all I exist currently as.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop accepting who I am based on the experiences and memories I have and naturally if I do not actually stand up as this realization in this moment, in the next moment as of this breath I take and the next one I will take – I am in fact existing within fear, which if I do not admit, then I fear from admitting existing within fear for not another reason but fear and thus in fact who I am is starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that I have never considered to realize that what I fear from is also myself which I did not yet embrace but wanting to separate from the experience and expression of myself and actually ending up manifesting it internally or externally and literally becoming it.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the exact specific points I am experiencing by the specific music collection I play and react to, as realizing that the details hold the key for understanding and the way to forgiveness and change.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve developed a relationship with emotional energy resonating within my mind and physical body which I feel that I need to have, experience, re-create and even refine and evolve as the self-accepted addiction to the energetic experiences, what are actually required to keep the self-delusion of definitions and rules, which is to cover fear.
I forgive myself that I have not admitted the mistakes I made, the ones I already am aware of as those were mistakes but never really understood what would be a real, actual change from that stance where I still feel myself being related to within my mind as reactions; and also those mistakes I did not realize what I made due to complete and consistent occupation within the mind, memories, reactions as believing that is who I am and not admitting that I would be really scared and scattered without those systematic manifestations within me constantly whispering me of who I must perceive myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the traumas I experienced and defined during my childhood and university years and the specific music songs I listened back there, I linked these two and automatically, involuntarily without really embracing myself and my past and remaining here within awareness and principle to recognize that I was not present then, thus giving into the energetic experience of feelings and emotions, just like I did back there, thus re-playing the same program over and over again without changing, only accumulating acceptance and permission to not change this as who I perceive myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I given permission to my mind as the systematic representation of who I accepted myself to manifest as, to utilize memory and word programming to trigger emotions to experience and energize specific personality within my mind in order to balance out the delusion of religion of self who I created myself to be, equated within as a system, integrated into the world system without really being aware of the consequences.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself that I accepted not to listen and feel literally the music itself when playing specific songs, tracks, but focusing to the reactions automatically seeing myself experiencing them and then defining that this is all right and acceptable, meanwhile not realizing that I am just reacting, not really listening the music here as the sound and my beingness does not resonate here as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself to be able to recognize when I am not honest with myself and be really myself as beingness HERE in and as awareness and self expression, but only lost within consciousness systems, programmed and exposed to rules, regulations, triggers and automatic definitions to always tell me what I see, feel, how I should react and act without realizing that I am not the director here, because I am not fully aware and absolutely self-honest about what I really do is what is best for all and within not being certain within that, already indicating that I am not really aware, thus I should question my responsibility of is it only self-interest or really aligned with all of existence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think and define that when I experienced pain mentally and emotionally during my times from where I defined specific songs as meaning and compressed trigger points to those memories, that those songs I like, because of being great music, but in fact I defined to like those for the trigger, reaction and experience I can re-live with those.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and acknowledge that within those moments I held onto anger and shame at the same time and did not forgive myself for still accepting that within myself, because never looked really into myself to open up and reveal and re-align myself within the specific understanding of what was the dishonesty which I deliberately chose to avoid pain and suffering, even if not realizing that the consequence will be actually the exact same thing I was trying to avoid, manifesting suppressed layers within me, becoming self-definition and self-limitation without being aware of it while also not realizing that it is undermining and sabotaging my trust, integrity, self-honesty and stability.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I was ashamed of myself of losing myself and falling into emotional storms, such as falling into love to someone to the degree of not even seeing the other, not even experiencing myself here, but only this feeling, this burning desire, fear, pain, of losing it and by doing so, being ashamed of myself as human being yet completely being compelled to these energetic experiences, their intensity and after all, defining this as my life, therefore who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not admitted that within my past I had so much anger towards the system and people who I perceived as beautiful, successful, rich and powerful, because I wanted to have the same but I felt like I could not, therefore I wanted to disregard it all, defining it as despicable and myself as noble, special, just to keep myself together, even if it means to re-create such experience of righteousness, which required lot of re-and re-thinking and emotional triggering, reaction-storms and constant conflict and turmoil within myself, resulting to equate out the perceived energetic wave-storm, what I defined as who I am while becoming addicted to this energetic movements, rushes and not realizing that these are sucking out the actual life force from my human physical body, making it exhausted, aged, sick and manifesting more layered information, systems and separation as consequence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry and doubtful, spiteful and dishonest with myself by accepting the fact what I experienced in regarding to myself that I could not trust in myself, I could not direct myself due to the exposure of automatic thought-energy-emotion-feeling roller-coaster I experienced constantly within my mind, which from I wanted to escape, and using energy, reactions to accumulate such intensity for trying to get free of myself, while not realizing that the solution is not escape, separation or exclusion, suppression or destruction, but embracing, facing, taking responsibility and becoming aware of all words, definitions, patterns, reactions, trigger points, constructs to the utmost specificity without being influenced by my past automatically and directing myself to stop and re-define, change.
I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I do not remain always, constantly and consistently here within and as this moment and the next, because of fear of letting go, fear of facing the unknown, fear from fear itself and facing the inevitable consequences.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be fully here when emotions rise within me and to see what they are actually during listening music and living myself here through and as the physical body as presence and to see that emotions are in fact empty and conditioned, and if I rely on to define myself to be and give permission to automatically move me, then I am self-dishonest, because I exist within a relationship with the definition of energetic experience, and by that relationship through the mind – I am separated, therefore enslaved by circumstances, conditions, and within that there is no self-expression, only cause and effect.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I defined emotional storms as good within me because fueling me to feel a lot of energy, which defined as intensity, which defined as being alive, because of this movement of energy within me, but not realizing that meanwhile I am not moving actually, and even if I act upon this experience, it’s not self-movement, but being influenced, moved by the accumulated energetic self-definition activation of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that music can be experienced and lived through my empty, clear, fully present beingness and allowing it, directing myself to live myself, the resonance, the sound, to feel it with all of myself and embrace it and to exist without definition, polarity of good and bad, comparison of past, categorization – nothing of those, but simply be here undefined, unified, whole and whenever I see inner reaction, energetic movement with thoughts, emotions, feelings arising from myself, it is clear that I am giving into energetic temptation and not facing what is fully here, which indicates fear, so then I look at the source within myself and see the self-dishonesty for I take responsibility for to stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit to myself that whenever I accept and react to thoughts, feelings, emotions move and wave within me and do not stand up to stop it as myself here, then that means I have no directive power, therefore I am not living fully here, but as manifested consequence acting out the past.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I go into the mind to have reactions of positive and negative, it is based on a fear of not wanting to, not being able to face myself and the creation of self here, therefore to take refugee within any polarity based self-definition construct is self-dishonesty, thus the common sense is to become aware of the exact pattern and to stand up and not give into the reaction, let it go, re-align here with and as the physical and make the stand and find practical ways to change myself, explore what is beyond this pattern of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was existing within constant and consistent fear and to hide that I’ve defined ways to entertain myself and go on energetic roller-coaster experiences to have a sense of movement, a sense of choice, but in fact I am not directing, I am being moved by accepted consequences, for what I have to make the stand eventually.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I used music to occupy myself and distract myself from facing what is here as who I am and whenever experiencing silence and quietness, I would feel uncomfortable, boring, therefore wanting to stimulate myself in order to cheer myself up, to do something and not realizing that the very experience of uncomfortability from being with myself here and the experience of boredom indicates suppression and resistance and fear, which should be investigated, worded down and forgiven specifically and commit myself to stop participating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music to intensify the experience I have by feeling like it is pushing me and moving me, to go faster within experiences in my mind and not realizing that it is separating myself from here, physical presence awareness and direction, because the mind apparently can be faster, but in fact it’s not real movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that music is the way/a way to liberation and by listening it to be tuned for awakening and awareness and not realizing that projecting out desires, definitions and expectations without being aware of doing so, therefore not recognizing that having energetic experiences based on reactions to self-defined relationship of words is a program, not awakening or awareness, but relying to the past, based on a pattern, what I’ve defined as who I am, but in fact who I really am is behind that pattern.
I commit myself to decompose all memories, reactions, word relationships, self-definitions to music to let go all the past from my mind, body, beingness and to un-learn all those energetic reactions and to find practical ways to remain always here within presence without any mind-construct to be used for embracing, listening, enjoying and playing music.
I commit myself to forgive all the self-accepted relationships I defined according to music and the values I’ve given into specific patterns and types, parts, styles within music by identifying with definitions of ‘this is my style’, ‘this is what I like’ or ‘this is what I do not like’ based on experiences in the past, my energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions had in the past and still re-living those in case of hearing the specific music track or style, therefore in those moments I let it all go, and I breathe, and re-align to remain here and to see what’s actually here.
I commit myself to stop defining intensity as value within music and defining who I am according to the intensity of music I hear and feeling like if it’s not intense, brutal, straightforward, blunt, ‘kickass’, then defining it as just ‘chill’ and nothing special, and within that categorizing as not so interesting, not my style, not really for enjoying as party, but only as something ‘understated’, just because it’s slower or less explosive.
I commit myself to stop defining that I only like specific genres of music and to see what is beyond types and genres and what I can simply embrace and enjoy, create and play without any definition or judgement.
I commit myself to stop using music as triggering past memories, experiences, emotions, feelings, thoughts; letting all go and when listening to music, really opening myself up and directing myself to be empty and feel it literally without any polarity or judgement, comparison or category.
I see opening up many points beyond this, such as the points I resist during playing, creating and writing music.
Another point I see is that the automatic judgement system is ‘loosened up’, which by I stood before as who I believed myself to be, which by I determined what music is ‘good’ and ‘bad’, based on my personality. I always knew, that it’s subjective, but by walking these points here I have a better understanding of specific type of preferences of my past, which turned out to be eventually as self-limitation, because I conditioned myself to NOT explore, embrace, listen and actually enjoy moments when I was exposed to music I pre-defined as ‘not cool’, which is not common sense.
It does not mean I have to be able to enjoy all music, but who I am and how I am and should not change based on conditions.
It’s important to be able to not mix these things up – who I am and what I experience, because if I define myself based on this moment in the next one, then I can ‘stuck’. Being aware of the facts does not necessarily means I should accept myself as how things are for the rest of my life, but it’s the way to be able to align myself with a practically liveable principle, what can support to remain consistent and stable.
Many people worry and judge principles as those can really limit and degrade humans, as I was such too, until did not realize that I can re-define a principle what does not limit me and aligns me with what I stand for, which is what is best for all.
Many can start arguing that there is no such thing as ‘best for all’, but in fact it is and those who don’t understand it are still in the process of realizing it. It’s really an ego-crusher if we really consider it – am I absolutely sure and honest about stating something like that “I am certain, there is no such thing, I’ve investigated everything, studied, tested, cross-referenced EVERYTHING in existence and here I stand as fully confident“?
For me, music is something what can be seen through this simple principle – what and how is the best way to stand in relation to music to support myself and all the best way possible?
To not go back to the past all the time, to not repeat the same energetic reactions in my mind, meanwhile having problems in real time, waiting for me, from which I decide to be distracted from or emotionally charged up to activate a personality with what I THINK that I will be more capable to deal with – is it really the best way to approach problems or can I find a more practical way?
Also to recognize, that the values which by I define music as ‘worthy spending time with’ was based on emotional relationships with memories and things I did or not did – and it was less about the music itself, so in fact I was just using music to trigger stuff in my mind.
By walking through the memories, the points I defined as extremely intense and difficult, I see/realize and understand that I do not need to remain as the same and I can change and let go fear, desire, I do not need to give up when facing resistances to become aware of points and if something is uncomfortable, I do not need to boost my moral with energy, but rather I can look, why it is difficult and how can I assist myself with practical common sense?
Also by listening music without going into memories, emotions by images, thoughts – I can really embrace and feel music – and that is also really cool – to be open, vulnerable and present.