Day 265 – How I used Music to remain in the past

IMG_4395I continue with the mind decomposition. Wrote about spirituality and drugs, party and dance. This time opening up Music.

Almost everyone likes music. The genre and type can be different, but it’s equally important to question ourselves why and how we enjoy music. It’s worthy.

What I feel when I listen the specific music, how I react, am I fully opening myself to the sound or I am busy associating to memories, feelings, reactions and energetic experiences triggered by music?

One example: There was a time(some years ago), when I was smoking weed and sometimes put in many kinds of songs, kind of a collection of various music from my past, the ones I listened within specific periods of my life. Contained heavy metal and punk rock, trip-hop and world music, ambient and Reggie, techno and drum and bass, etc. – and the interesting part was that I did not even listened through all of them.

One reason was that it could have took too much time, like hours, but the main point was I did not needed to. The purpose of listening into the specific parts of those carefully picked songs was to trigger a particular reaction within me, and once that was done, I just jumped to the next one. Like a compilation of feelings, memories, emotions and energetic experiences. That was my own compilations of trigger points for peak reactions in my mind.
This might not seem as harmful or deceiving towards self and one might ask: “What’s wrong to listen my favourite music compilation?” – Here not the music itself was the problem, but myself. Because in those moments I did deliberately use these songs to just have the specific reactions, and yes, those brought up context and mood, feeling and thoughts, but in overall, all what I did was re-living my past. Not even the facts of my past, only what I remembered, concluded and felt. And the reason to re-experience them was not to understand more, not to open up things or realize what I did make wrong to change that of me today, but to rather ‘entertain’, ‘occupy’, ‘daydream’ or ‘trip’ myself. It did not even ‘cheer me up’, sometimes was not really ‘a happy’ thing, for instance listening to Tool or Portishead or some world hating punk song was not much about the enjoyment, yet I also included those tracks too. There were various types of moods I could ‘program’ myself into. In a way I enjoyed to do so, but in overall it was not literally self-enjoyment. Rather like reinforcement of who I perceived myself to be without any question or self-reflection according to cross-referencing with facts.

In this case I understood how I react to things and specific trigger points, as I found myself already pre-defined and self-contained, limited myself to what is x, y, z and how I feel about them, which is a, b, c. Period.

In a way, sometimes even felt like a motivation, a creative association, but honestly – it was the same vinyl recording, to re-and re-listen again and again and again.

What was the ‘result’ – is also important: I felt cheered up, not as ‘happy’, but energized, pulled myself together, felt like I am now ready to continue with ‘my program’, not feeling doubtful, exhausted, disappointed or frustrated as much as before doing the re-listening, but what’s also important to realize, that not the music itself and my ‘listening to music, moving myself with music’ was what ‘cheered me up’, but the reactions, associations, feelings, emotions, thoughts in my mind according to specific songs, tracks.
Well, I stopped doing this since a while, just like I stopped daydreaming, thinking and fantasizing about situations, events, experiences too.
Somehow the veil dropped and I realized that I was not living present, directly here, but through my mind literally sleepwalking and poking myself to react the same way as I did in my past.

What I did not not admit to see that I was in fact resisting to naturally see, realize and understand, thus CHANGE.

During my childhood and early adulthood I had a lot of frustration, suppression of anger and experienced limitations, therefore once I realized that I am actually not compelled to do this anymore, I had not much problem to just let all go and focus to who I am today and what I am going to manifest for tomorrow.

Also there was a point when I really considered that I am re-living my past experiences, because I did not fully understood them, I did not ‘transcend’ those points within myself in relation to those experiences, memories, reactions I connected to these specific songs, so I was basically time looping in order to ‘maybe next time I will get free of this’.

I never liked repetition, ‘timelooping’ – I got bored very soon and then wanted to change the pattern, monotony is my death – always felt like that, so kept varying, combining, changing. Fascinating point, worthy to open it up later further.

Moods in overall played a lot more important role in my life – before I started to apply the Self-forgiveness+Self-honesty process, what I share here in this blog since around 2007-2008 – so back then I did not find any problem with going into moods, even with the fact that I did not deliberately start to ‘wear’ those moods, but I was triggered to react those ways. Well, by listening through all those ‘favourite songs’, was a try to induce self-initiated reactions, moods, experiences, thoughts, feelings and emotions.

However as I realized that my dependency to energy is totally superficial, self-created and makes me automatically to go up and down rides, I started to become uncertain about the usual methods I kept ‘cheering myself up’ with the ways I defined to ‘use’ music.

Not just it was basically always the same, like ‘this song makes me feel this particular feeling and remember that exact memory’, but actually once I’ve ‘built up’ the patterns about these songs, I really stopped to explore the music itself and also stopped to discover new dimensions, harmonies in the music and myself too, which I did not notice at first, because I just always kept heading towards always something new too, but at some point I realized that I am not HEARing the sound actually.

Maybe I know the song, when what sound will come, but I do not ‘feel’ it with my full beingness in those kind of reactional, associative, remembering mind-states.

Yes, substances, especially psychedelic can help bridging through suppressing, melting down those pre-created patterns, but in a way they never disappeared, because these associations, reactions, memories became part of who I was, so it might can assist momentarily, but at the same time if I am not self-honest, I can also ‘use’ them to deliberately suppress myself further by always wanting to ‘re-create’ the same specific mind-states. Voila – recreational drug use. Or more precisely, to experience myself literally who I’ve defined myself to be by re-creating the same experiences, the same-me.

I further went into the intensity path, like so then music should become more intense, raw, brutal, then it will ‘penetrate’ my mind, but in a way it’s literally mind-fuck, because I am unable to be gently open, so in a way it’s like a voluntary rape, if I rely on intensity to affect and move me.

Might sound harsh wording, but here I am ranting and raving, no judgement, no suppression to see what it is I’ve been accepting and allowing.

Since I’ve became aware of that I was kind of trying to walk a process of awareness – it was around 2002, many times I’ve felt like what I do with my mind is kind of raping to my beingness, but I could not and actually never dared to word like that directly.

So I have developed a habit of judging my mind and nominating it to be the boogeyman, meanwhile I was behind and within it all the time, thus causing to be more fractioned, split and in a way schizophrenic – judging myself, having backchat in my mind, virtual conversation, hearing voices – see – all thinking is a sign for that, but accumulating more manifested self-separation in the mind, crystalized into and as the human physical body as well, which layers up and becomes so automatic that I not just stop noticing and questioning it, but I am willing to protect this mechanism as myself, which is self-dishonest.

My purpose with associations. thinkings and energetic reactions was that I had a kind of ‘default’ thought-emotion-reaction pattern-set and I wanted to develop trusted ways to outrun, exceed and transcend these patterns – with implanting new patterns, which are more ‘powerful’ in a way. The keyword here was INTENSITY and apparently it worked. But not in the long term, as it was exhausting and as all was in a way virtual and at some points it always collapsed and I was here, kind of ‘defenseless’ against the ‘original’ patterns of my mind, but in those moments I really gave up as I thought I am powerless without the energy, so I just ‘kneeled down’ to the thoughts/feelings/emotions/energies/reactions and experienced the ‘fall’ totally.
After this specific ‘inner rage’, I had the self-judgement phase, which then followed the ‘mood-picking’ again, like listening those music tracks again and re-building my energetic personality. But I spent quite some time within those frustration and anger times first.

In those moments, when I lost the momentum, went beyond the peak of the energy intensity ‘rocket’ – that was very frustrating to ‘return to duality’ and face my pathetic mortality in terms of ‘falling back into the mind’- kind of poetic description, but that is how I experienced – to intensify and accumulate but not with self-direction, self-trust, self-honesty with decomposing, stopping, releasing, forgiving the already ‘contained’ patterns within me, but rather I infused those patterns with much more ‘systems’ – with my memories, definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

My story, my life, my past, my actions and experiences – those were the subject of my self-imposed self-dishonest self-centered self-delusions with the polarity manifestations of the good and bad and my addiction to feel the reactions to those self-defined positive and negative judgements.

Just to give some examples, I list a couple of those song-memory-energetic experience associations here:

A song, at university, when the girl who I defined that she is the love of my life, the most precious one to desire after, said to me that she does not want to see me again, and told me that I am a creep – I felt humiliation, total destruction and losing all hope and purpose, totally nullified anything of who I perceived myself to be before. And I listened that song then, so whenever I would listen to it, or just remembering the lyrics of it, the music, the singing tone, the guitar riffs, the drums, I would associate it with what happened back there, what I experienced, how I felt.

Lets pick another song…*browsing my mp3 directory*
We had two acid blotters and listened this crazy brazilian electro hypno track, meanwhile the spagetti pasta was ready, but I had to filter the hot water from the bowl, and as I was turning it down, massive steam flew up and hitting my face, while listening that intense song with a woman saying within it “electro hypno” – so whenever I would filter pasta from water or listen this song, I would remember that flat we lived in, the guys I used to take trips with, the wooden material of the kitchen furniture, the turntables near to the sinks and the very feeling I had back there and the regular madness we threw ourselves into with these crazy mind-blowing sessions.

Hitch-hiking around the french border, raising my tent, smoking within it, listening that song, with sea waves in it while the lady sings and piano plays – remembering all the trip I went to spain and met with those people and the feelings I had…

another one from fight club movie, when he just runs before the end and feeling like I am also running for my life

Another one, what I listened in Egypt after my girlfriend “slept” with the egyptian guy while I was sick in the other room and I felt that my whole life is within that eastern string solo

You get the idea – I had many dozens of songs, tracks for specific, massive trigger points for intensified memories – supercharging my mind with a lot of quick reactions – the more I think or react with the same energetic response, the faster I can ‘re-experience’ it – and then linking those, basically my mind felt like a hyper-highway of energy and light – and that speed, velocity, it seems like travel without moving and for that I was addicted to.

The question I never asked before – why? Why I would not just move in reality instead? Obviously fear. But I did not answer that questions for a long time. Because I even tried to trick out my own fear – just picked out things I was apparently afraid of, and then deliberately faced those – so then ‘proving to myself that I do not fear’ or ‘even if there is fear, I just walk through it’. Even the very judgement of ‘mind-movement feels faster, therefore superior than physical, actual, real movement’ was a cover-up for justifications and excuses I did not dare to admit and realize back then.

There were the specific fears I was just not aware of within myself – those I could not face, and in a way, I was exactly not aware of those for not to face the fact that, well, I was afraid of.
Like – responsibility – big time – how much I laughed when I saw within the movie of ‘American Beauty’, when Kevin Spacey asks for ‘the least responsible job’ and enjoying flipping hamburgers, and I was like ‘YES’ – why responsibility? It was uncomfortable and brought up so many, easily judged as ‘uncool experiences’, so why bother?

I was escaping from myself big time and I did not want to feel bad about it and myself meanwhile, so I’ve created ways to believe that meanwhile I am running away, I should feel like I am totally not running but being very brave.

Well, sometimes it just all collapsed and I felt powerless, weak, there was no motivation and I was uncertain.

In those moments I grabbed my specific music collection and went through those songs, in a way kind of re-building the character of who I perceived myself to be, so then I could continue with ‘my life’ – because it required energy, the reactions, the feelings, emotions, the massive chains of thoughts to keep me hypnotized, surrounded myself with the image and likeness of who I believed myself to be.

I even created some music and many times those tracks contained many layers, each representing some memory, experience, and thus compressing these mind-states and while I was creating them, already re-and re-living these memories and when it was ‘done'(rarely), if I could re-listen these, I would really react with feelings and emotions, thoughts, and associating a lot…Within that, it was not really art or self-expression, but rather self-stimulation.

So that was a way of deluding myself big time with the music. It’s handy, because it’s recorded, can be replayed any times and I can relate myself to it and then I add more definitions to the already self-defined knowledge and information, so literally becoming a tree within myself, but not the Tree of Life, but rather the ‘Tree of good and evil’ as knowledge – based on MY self-interest.

The thing I was suspecting meanwhile was that I am deliberately using my past and mind and my-‘self’ – to stimulate myself, and sometimes that’s why it felt as ‘fake’ or ’empty’, therefore this was just one of the many methodologies of how I ‘supercharged’ my mind for the addiction with intensity to experience energy as the more ‘raw’, the better…But it had it’s tolls, it weakened the physical substance of my body, quickened ageing, as that is an important point to realize – the mind, consciousness always and only can ‘have’ energy: from the physical, human body here.

That is why it’s common sense that consciousness is not the source, it’s the substance, the physical, therefore any separation from that is an actual self-reflection of an indication as self-delusion, self-separation, self-dishonesty, which can and should be investigated within self and walk the process of self-realization, self-forgiveness and practical self-change to embrace, unify and equalize self in and as the physical body as living awareness.

So – yes, this music topic can be a cool material to walk Self-forgiveness and Self-correction, Self-commitment to change and really let go the past and to support for re-definition of music, listening to and creating music without the mind, without energy, without positive or negative, without memories or feelings, thoughts of emotions, but direct self expression here.

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