Within walking self-realization I’ve acknowledged that I took refugee within certain spiritual agendas, what later proven to be limited, thus letting all go is common sense.
Last time, within this post I’ve shared some of my story.
Here I refer to the word Spirituality to any kind of story, teaching, theory or practice, such as mantra, tantra, zen, buddhism, chakras, sacred geometry, energy works and all kinds of ‘-isms’, what are blocking me to explore and live direct body awareness within self-trust HERE in the moment within consistency.
Psychedelic drugs and spirituality were quite infused and intertwined for me, but as I have decided and then actually did let these go some years ago; with the Desteni I Process course principles and tools I was able to accumulate directive power to let go many self-sabotaging patterns and finding stability, consistency and practical common sense in a much greater, measurable amount, what substantiated to to real, practical change within myself. The fascinating realization was about these tools that always pointing to self here, of who I accept myself to be and to find and liberate myself directly in the physical without any spirituality. In a sense, everything can be or is spiritual, so the equation can be simplified by removing it. I had quite such a laugh when I applied this, when listened to ‘spiritual’ people around me – within any sentence containing this very word, if I take it out – the sentence is still the same! So, once and for all – okay, I am spiritual, so it’s like love – if needs to be said, probably not real anyway. All the values one attached to this very word can be tremendous, which also create these definition systems, which later on can become such a burden, especially if one has not yet been found what it means to be honest with self, then, well – nothing can be trusted, even within self – especially the silent master, whispering into our mental ear – our own thoughts can be ridiculously nonsensical, but humans mostly first react to their own thoughts by energetic, emotional responses and rarely looking back, where from and actually why this thought has appeared within me within this specific internal set and external setting.
As I peel off the layers of the mind, as ‘I enter the Matrix’, the system, which is the personality manifestations, character perceptions, judgments, opinions, justifications and excuses, preconditioned, pre-programmed automatic energetic, thought- and emotion-based responses what have been and, to a certain extent still sabotaging my direct physical substance body presence living awareness, thus requires to further specify the practical understanding of what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest through and as words, what I walk here.
Once I’ve found ‘myself here‘ as I accepted and allowed to be – I’ve found any spiritual perception and practice to be just as limiting as all other personality and character, ego- and mind-manifestations I previously ‘created’ or ‘taught’, ‘learned’ or ‘brainwashed’ and wanted to get free of by the ‘spirituality’ itself and thus it’s common sense to let all these go completely and purify all of these systems(knowledge, information, perception, judgment, belief, definition, category, anything of polarity) from the very core of my inner being and outer living expressions.
I am aware of the fact that many kind of spiritual – or we can call them ‘liberation‘ paths also ‘aim‘ the very same ‘goal‘, to get rid of the duality of the mind, the obstruction of facts by the disturbance of the emotions and thoughts, however for me: honestly, there was always something vague, mystified, too symbolic, externalized, projected. For instance I’ve studied the poems of Saraha, within which I’ve found pretty cool explanations on why and how the mantra-chasing and spiritual people are missing the point of ‘wholeness‘, however its not a practical, walk-able, measurable self-support, but rather something, what is ‘cool’ and for a moment can be a supportive singular point of part within self-realization. Quotes:
“Where intellect is destroyed, where mind dies and self-centeredness is lost. Why encumber yourself there with meditation?”
“The world is enslaved by thought, Saraha says, and no one has known this non-thought.”
“The whole world is tormented by words… But insofar as one is free from words does one really understand words.”
“People who think that things are real are as stupid as a cow;
people who think things are not real are even more stupid.”
“Thought bound brings bondage, and released brings release. Of that there is no doubt. By that with which fools are bound, the wise are quickly released.”
“Mantras and tantras, meditation and concentration, they are all a cause of self-deception.”
I could bring a lot more, but in a way, these are irrelevant, just to show – there can be some cool point, in fact, within any ‘teachings’, but eventually one has to go back to one’s origin point, the source of self and to question everything. Even within the mainstream, bloodthirsty, ‘holy’ religion books one could find some cool points among the obviously insane godly stuff – It is imperative to realize that the duality of the mind cannot be trusted, neither our own self-identification with anything appearing within it – thoughts, feelings, emotions are the result of preconditioning, which can be, often it is self-dishonest. How can I be sure that I am really purified from any chance of external -or even internal- manipulation? To purify my relationships with words. Starting with the ones I see myself reacting the most. Why? How?
As Gurdjieff suggested: man is a machine, a very complicated one, and cannot take responsibility for it’s actions until does not know how exactly this machine-aspect is working. Once one fully understands the specificity, becomes responsible, because also can see consequences of it’s actions and can change it’s course. But for that one requires practical details. If I am reacting to a word with furious anger each time and it’s just stupid – I can also decompose how I came to this point of automatic permission giving to my mind to throw a tantrum. The common sense should be to prevent the situation, but for that, first I have to see how I can prevent myself going into the reaction and see the facts here. Mostly it’s fear, doubt, but one has to be really specific to be able to apply that within real self-change. Because it’s always about that: can I change or am I destined to suffer, fall and eventually regret? The process is simple, yet not a quick one, yet it must be walked within practical, physical real time and space – as actions speak louder, but the seed of actions are in the words. Therefore investigate the words of me.
For this specific purpose I walk Self-forgiveness to substantiate my already accepted relationships to specific words to be able to prevent myself to remain within the patterns I am realizing to be self-dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have give up on myself and not trusting myself absolutely and wanting to rely on others and forces outside of me, because who I perceive myself to be I defined as not good enough without actually going into the details of practical specificity on what exactly and why.
I forgive myself that I have never considered the fact that I’ve defined spirituality as the opposite of specificity of the problems without realizing that I did so as deliberately stopped asking questions about the points I was having difficulty to face and understand, embrace and solve, that’s why I’ve turned into spirituality.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve believed within spirituality as within the (holy) spirit and the ritual with which I’ve invoked and induced experiences within which as I participated, my problems seemed less significant and rather seemed that I should perfect this merging with this energetic experience in order to fully dissolve all of myself into oneness.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that from one trance experience from my constant existence within the conscious mind I’ve created another kind of trance experience, wherein I’ve perceived and then defined myself as more ‘high’, more ‘home’, more ‘free’ and more ‘light’, what to I’ve started to get attached to, because from that perception, my current 3D physical life on Earth within the human system seemed absolutely insignificant and irrelevant, because the energetic experience was like an orgasm, what seemed like a ‘bliss’ without actually understanding how this is being created, what is the price and it’s consequence within actual, physical reality, what I am constantly and consistently sharing with all others equally, regardless of any of my experiences.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that what were the original, source points of my inner resistances towards to solve my actual, real life problems in my reality without actually stopping for a moment and questioning why do I even have inner resistances toward specific points?
I forgive myself that I have never ever really investigated the idea and practical application of inner resistance and what it means exactly and how I participate in that, what are the mental, emotional and physical symptoms and more specifically: the very trigger points of internal or external conditions/circumstances to which I start to experience these resistances.
I forgive myself that I have not considered the common sense to really understand the phrase, the saying of ‘what I resist, persists’ and to be able to translate that into the actual context of my life.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve taken refugee within mystical and spiritual, religious and energetic experiences and within those moments really submit myself to energy of the mind without admitting that I am giving permission to my mind to tell me what to and how to experience based on my past and manifesting into and as thoughts, feelings and emotions based on polarity definitions of my personality in terms of positive and negative from my own self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide and project out my self-interest to others, the world, in order to appear more than I actually am by defining interest based on convictions of polarity-based morality, without realizing the self-dishonesty within suppressing and projection as result of inner resistances to face facts, because of my already self-created, self-accepted relationship with the self-interest I’ve defined myself to equal be with.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that in the moment of wanting to save others I am truly lost within self-delusion as not realizing that I’ve give up on saving myself but wanting ‘at least’ to save others by playing out this sacrifice character but not being honest with myself that I’ve already sacrificed myself to give into my resistances to walk through fear and self-limitation by actually letting go all who I perceive myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have not realized what actually and truly means to give myself up completely to become one and equal with all what is here, which practically means to let go self-interest, let go fear and let go desire, which more specifically means to stop participating within any thought, feeling and emotion and to stand here with myself and existence, completely naked within, empty, stable and consistent physical presence without giving into any energetic reaction of positive or negative.
I forgive myself that I have not admitted to myself that within spirituality my intent and goal is not specified, not practical and cannot be measured as based on experiences, feelings, judgments what do not last and instead of understanding how I actually create such reactions and why I participate within those, I believe that I have to give up the direction to become fully aware of every single details of who I am here within utmost specificity.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve trusted myself in a way that is not here, I am not aware of, which I cannot fathom, thus not really being able to cross-reference and decompose, re-align or re-build the building blocks of who I am and actually never occurred to me that this I should figure out and to realize the common sense within investigating the words I react to, I speak and how I act upon those and becoming aware of my relationship to the specific words I think, say or act out.
I forgive myself that I have misunderstood the meaning of being undefined and it’s state of being and believing that I deliberately must suppress any upcoming reaction/definition/judgement/compulsory association in order to ‘reach’ the emptiness or I have to give up and let go everything I see, experience and participate and by those ‘methods’ hoping to become more free and more aware and wise, while not realizing that if I do not understand WHY I created myself this way in the first place, I am not being able to actually change, because I keep resisting/suppressing who I am ALREADY, instead of becoming aware of the very creation of who I accepted and allowed myself to be and become here, such as the starting point, the origin, source point of initial reactions, judgments, convictions, fear, desire and then to ask what is behind that.
I will continue with my spiritual mind decomposition in a moment.
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