Day 259 – Party, Drugs and Awareness part 2

dance-2Dancing continued from where I stopped in the last post. This time I dig deeper into the mechanics of my mind, how I experienced myself and things, what was the reason I went into trance dance and how I tried to use to transcend my limitations and eventually how I realized that my method was flawed, therefore had to let it go completely and also sharing some of what was the real solution for my problems, which then made me able to actually enjoy dancing much more than ever before.

In the beginning of my dancing, I’ve really judged myself extensively about how I dance and how others are moving much smoothly and better. I’ve felt like I have to really concentrate to match the rhythm but the more I was able to become more quiet within, the more I was able to move with the music in unison so to speak.
It’s interesting, because usually I did not notice how much I think, the extent of constant auto-boxing and categorizing, judging, comparing and defining, because there are levels of thought intensity and the extent of automation.
I’ve also realized that I have strong tendency to abstractify, meaning that once I’ve formed a thought pattern and participated in it enough times, then it kind of goes to ‘lower level’ of my mind, of my consciousness and sinks into the personality program of who I perceive and behave myself to be.
In party context, an example: seeing a girl/woman in front of me, I check her out and I declare her to be cute and attractive. The next time I see her at the same circumstances, I see her through my previous ‘declaration’ of ‘cute’ and ‘attractive’, so these thoughts/judgements ‘happen’ more quickly, so then I can ‘have time’ to go into another detail, to check out her clothes, what she drinks or focus to other people/things meanwhile, but I also notice that “the attractive, cute girl passed by”.
This mechanism can be handy, for instance when driving a car on the same route every day, going to work for instance and I learn the road, it’s conditions, traffic rules, details, but still – if I blindly rely to my built up memory-bank of it, then that would be dangerous, because I would more rely to my memory than the actual happening here, so then I would not adapt to the live traffic accordingly.
But within driving, there can be a balance between knowledge and presence, today we see this exactly being manifested through the autonomously driving cars, adaptive, line-keeping cruise controls, auto emergency-brake systems within the latest cars.
It’s similar what happen in the human mind, it adapts and automatizes so much, so then the person can ‘free up’ ‘processing power’ to be able to apply the apparently ‘free choice’ what to focus/think about, which really depends on what makes me feel better or worst, depending on what my mind currently ‘need’ as positive or negative or simply just ‘pure’ energy. Energy meaning here as that whatever I think, it has an effect on me, the definition of the word, the association to that word, memories, energetic experiences are being triggered, whether I am aware of it or not, so that’s why can happen the typical scenario for instance I think about something I would really prefer to avoid, but I can’t do anything about it, so then I start to feel worried, go into fear mode. Example:(theoretical) If I see my girlfriend having obviously very good time with an other guy at the party and I am seeing them leaving and not seeing them for a long time, “I” can go into jealousy, which is self-sabotage and fear, and many people can’t control that, because there is no trust, integrity and stability within themselves or with their partner and the moment they start to define a situation based on what they worry about, then they literally get worried, maybe a little bit  even insane, disregarding the fact that it’s not a cool experience.

I wanted to ensure that this point is clearly explained here, because that automatic thinking, judging, defining and reacting mechanism of my mind was extremely overgrown within me, I was literally living in my head, daydreaming 24/7, so everything I experienced was processed through my thinking inside and outside also, which made me kind of rigid within interacting, communicating with myself and others too.

In fact since realized that I do this, I was really frustrated about it, because I started to understand how much this exhausts me and I am on a roller-coaster of thought storms and energetic experiences meanwhile feeling powerless against my limitations. I had serious anger issues but mostly no one realized it as I was a professional suppressor and the side effect of the energetic experiences was that I just could not get a grab on my limitations with practical understanding, so I kept missing the points what were really relevant. I was pointing fingers to things and manifestations what were in fact just consequences in my life for the limitations I’ve experienced, such as the system, government, lack of money, my human physical body, the people around me and my inability to have extreme discipline, what I believed I have to possess, but from time to time everything just fell apart within and around me, so I always had to start the whole thing from scratch.

Losing my money, my partner, my job, my place to stay, my things was regular to me and although I’ve got tremendous support from friends and family around me at times, I also judged this as my shameful weakness and I spent quite some time to hammer myself with my thoughts about it instead of actually do something about it.

I’ve read a very large amount of eastern books about teachings, mostly buddhist, but more many kind and I misunderstood some things based on the already possessed false beliefs within me, for instance that it is enough to observe the thoughts and let them go, just be here and after a while they will fade out. Well, that’s kind of pure bullshit, but in that time I did not realize that, because, well there is this saying that “hope dies last”, and I really hoped that I do not have to really dig deep into the darkness of myself with utmost specificity, but rather just focus to the light, the intensity, energy and basically pretend who I am until becoming it. Also big time delusion was this obsession with “the Light”, “White Light”, Enlightenment, which also proven to be complete delusion and impractical self-limitation, so accumulate effort towards these directions did not work either, but hey, I’ve tried!

So did ‘trance dance’ differ much from when people go to gym and work out or run the marathon? I don’t know, I guess everyone has their own self-created mojo in their mind, but for me sport just never was interesting, the very idea of perfecting my body seemed pretty much as waste of time, especially by considering the fact that this will get old and die inevitably. Rather as I grew up in village, some physical work was more fitting. Okay, one can maintain fitness to age more graciously, but I always was clear about that my limitation is not of my body, but my mind, so I rather wanted to clean my head first, then deal with physical reality around me. Well, it’s not a bad idea, but the fact that I’ve stuck in my mind for several years showed me the self-reflection that I was not really ‘progressing’ as much as I actually would or could. I always ‘felt’ that and made me frustrated, which I tried to turn into motivation. But then after a while I was dependent on the frustration to move, so that was not really efficient eventually.

One of my biggest issue was that I never asked for assistance, I always wanted to do everything by myself, because I perceived external support as dependency, weakness and I wanted perfection. Also I did not trust anyone as actually no one proved me to recognize them as “more aware” than me, which might sound as a bold statement, but in terms of direct awareness, I had to go through a lot until I visited Desteni farm to meet those people. But that came much-much later. Back in that time, I was really possessed with the idea of perfection and I ended up with the idea of perfect perfection in my mind, meanwhile not realizing that in reality I am time looping with recreational experiences by believing that with a little more intensity this time I will break through the chains of my mind, like a caged animal, I kept hitting the bars with my head instead of stopping for a moment and discovering that here is a door and I can open it and step out – if I could just change, but I had enormous resistances to be able to directly change. That made me apply various sets of ‘methods’ to accumulate counter-balance of my habits to be able to break them, to indirectly change ‘them’ – because I had not even realized the common sense with direct self movement here.

The problem was not that I could not stop the thoughts with discipline, I ‘practiced‘ zen meditation a LOT – so I was comfortable to sit even days to basically wait my mind to settle down. When I give up everything else, no work, no relationship, no care about what’s beyond my little ‘sitting here‘ – this can work to a certain degree, because after a while I really do not need to think about things, because I keep stamping it with ‘I don’t care‘ – not that I would really not care, but I say so, therefore it must be like that. And that notion also accumulates energy and then with that energy I can work on more energy, so basically it was literally a mind-juggle, and to be effective with that I had to do it a lot. In that time I did not use much writing to assist and support myself to accumulate understanding, just kept a diary of my after-psychedelic experiences, which I lost when it was already many-many dozens of pages and it’s all right. I was able to let it go.
There is one specific point I remember from my diary, that there were a time, about 1-2 months, when I clearly recognized that I actually have no idea about what to do, what I should do, what will happen and I accepted it, I was totally like “patience, awareness will come, just trust myself“. In a way it was cool, because I had a sense that I am birthing a self what I’ve never known, but at the same time I had no directive principle and did not even realized that I actually could have, so in a way I was giving myself up to existence, kind of a trust, that “everything’s gonna be alright”.

But then, as I was almost living through, in and as my mind, I abused this realization as well by defining trust outside of me by the polarity of the mind, which then prolonged the process of realizing the practical common sense to place and live that trust into and as myself directly here in and as my living physical flesh without any definition, judgement, polarity or association, energetic reaction of positive, negative, memories, etc.

So that was basically the point from where I started to work through the dancing with the mind-tuning substances, which I used as catalyst, as ‘energy source’ to have this intensity, energetic velocity in my mind to not need to bother with tiredness and distraction, but basically liquefy my mind into this oneness experience, within what I can dance until my mind is empty.

However what I did not take into account was that the specific thought patterns what emerge within my mind are not just random self-sabotaging mind-noise, what I have to force to shut down or out, but those are actually the true, real reflection of my self-acceptances and allowances, wherein I did not face reality as it is, but through subjective judgement, polarity of good or bad, based on desire or fear, what I did not yet recognized as my responsibility to stop participating in it and be aware of it’s specificity to be able to prevent myself going into the same pattern again and thus to start changing myself.

A practical example – I remember one case, it was not even drug or party-related, but still specific here: I was saying om mani padme hung mantra all night at a buddhist center and I was repeating it for hours and I also had this trance experience wherein there was no much else in my mind, but this, sort of resonance. After I left the place and went out to the streets of Budapest, I was still in that mind-state, I was almost automatically repeating the mantra in my mind and as I focused to stop it, really soon I started to react the same way as I usually did: saw a woman who I judged as really attractive and I recognized that judgement and I was frustrated about it, because even if I say the mantra all day, once I stop it, my mind starts to do the same thing as before the ‘trance’. Regardless of buddhist mantra, spiritual meditation or psychedelic trance. People usually tend this point with a reasoning that I did not do the mantra enough, I should continue doing so as it might not enough to say it fifty thousand times, but maybe a hundred thousands, but regardless of my ludicrous loathing to still rely to anything I believed within, somewhere within I knew that this is not really helping, even with the fact that people also said, I also have to observe and understand the mind, not just hammer it with the mantra, but that was not really helping, because there was no deeper explanation, support or even practical process to that, everyone were so fucking busy counting their mantras, so I kept looking for more knowledge, information and different groups, articles, sharing on the internet.

I had buddhist partner afterwards and she kept telling me that I am a fool and arrogant and delusional to think that I know better than the teachers or gurus, as written in scriptures but their teachings have been so carefully fabricated that an ordinary human if there is any self-doubt within themselves, they rather trust in what is in front of them, but not themselves directly here.

For me the experience, the trance, the ‘mind equalizing’ effect was pretty much the same, and neither of those made me really satisfied.
I did not know that it’s not really about to stop the thoughts, to equalize the mind, to quiet it, to find inner silence, because that is merely useless if I still don’t understand how I ended up being at that specific situation exactly, so then recognizing the circumstances, so then next time when it would come again, I would be able to stop for a moment and to say “Hey, I know this, if I do as always, I will end up as always: reactive, separated from the moment, here, I will be distracted by the reaction to the thought, I will be frustrated”

That’s why I needed energy, intensified experiences, because I did not understand, I just wanted the ‘mystical experience’, because I admitted, I have no idea what’s happening within me, if I look inside, I just see this mist, but nothing more, so this mist I call upon me to hope that I would find something new what I never saw before. But usually the ‘experienced’ or ‘skilled’ meditator/spiritual/psychonaut actually uses the intensified, overstimulated experience to equate, liquefy the mind, so then there is this quiet/oneness moment, which seems like one can see through problems, because those are not popping up all the time as usually.

For me it was also an interesting realization that even when I was really high on acid or mushroom or salvia, my mind did not really-really stop, but it was like a totally fluid thing what surrounded me, embraced me and whatever I did, wherever I moved, there was no resistance, friction, polarity anymore within, which seemed like a ‘more evolved’ state, however it was still IN and AS the mind, which totally took over, embraced me, therefore did not need to constantly pop up within, because it literally was me, but actually without the real, substantiated, present me, only about a slightest.

The mind here is not something foe-like, or as an enemy to be seen, but as our reflection, who we are as a systematic manifestation of our consistent acceptances and allowances existing within self-dishonesty, because the equation of the basic principle of existence is equality and oneness, therefore whatever I do, wherever I go, I am always equal and one with and as I am within/I am facing/experiencing, actually that is who I am.

Maybe it’s a bit too far fetched, but what I explain here is that even the most ‘holy’/’mystical’ psychedelic experiences are still within the confines of our mind, which is still self-limitation. It is practical to understand more the creation and nature of self-limitation, but it’s not self-honest to constantly reproduce it and not to get how and why I remain as self-dishonest.
Also psychedelic experience provides a sense of lot of energy, but that does not come anywhere else, but the source of me here, which is actually the physical. The substance, the cells, the molecules and the body ages.
Even further, psychedelics can also easily become the ‘patchwork‘ for the ego of the mind, because within these experiences if one is not genuinely self-honest, one can make oneself believe to the extent of making the leap of faith from justifications and excuses to convictions, so then one is not really ‘awakening’ with the substance, but rather further closes oneself down from seeing the unknown with virgin eye.
It can even be the case that one’s conscious mind ego personality completely melts down and apparently dissolves into nothing or “everything“, but after the substance’s effect wears off, the same old personality comes back, the one, what is not really effective dealing with figuring out, but for many people, these experiences must make sense – also in the dual-nature, polarity-based mind, therefore the whole ‘beyond sane’ mind-experience is being interpreted through the very limitations of one’s mind, what induced oneself to go to a journey to explore and being ended up the same, just with a nice story to tell.

That is also a difficult aspect of these experiences – the so called ‘re-integration’ to the every day living, because it’s obvious that with most of the lifestyles, these substances are not safe to be taken, for instance while driving, being responsible for serious things, etc. – therefore this part is also crucial to grasp, that without real understanding how the mind really works, who I personally am, the whole package is mostly an interesting synergy within one’s experience spectrum, meanwhile if one really understands what is going on within the mind, how creation works, who I really am in practical details, then the realization comes naturally, just as occurred with me – I do not need these substances, those trance-states anymore to bridge through difficulties, to understand myself and the world further, because I can directly move through these manifestations, systems with common sense and not limiting awareness.

Without encouraging anyone, I also clarify – these substances, experiences however can be somewhat supportive, for sure, but our mind can be a sort of Pandora’s box, especially when opening it at the first time, many don’t know what’s inside and if not learned the basic components of the mind or how to assist and support ourselves to stabilize and bring ourselves back from the deep-ends of our minds, where everything we think or feel of might seem much more real than actually is, it is suggested to ask for assistance first and definitely not do it alone. I know people got crazy, even mentally or physically hurting themselves, which statistically still not as much as with the more self-abusive substance, the alcohol, but still can take some precious time within one’s process of self-realization, which can be prevented with common sense and assistance.

There are events, where educated support teams are there to support those who are going into some ‘bitter end’ of the psychedelic experience and they might can assist to go through the rough patches of our exploration of the mind and the depth of our beingness, but it’s fact that everything I experience is facing myself.

One more point to consider is also when considering these substances as external support, bridge within one’s process from systematic consciousness(as a brainwashed human slave to put it out bluntly) to responsible living awareness is the energetic household of ourselves so to speak, as how our mind and body relationship manages the balance from all those positive and negative energetic experiences and most humans often ‘generate’ excess or ‘extra’ energy by the inner friction of the duality starting point(such as me vs others, good vs bad…), what somehow they are obliged to let go, discharge, literally ‘let it out from their system’ from time to time.
It’s a fascinating phenomenon and also shows the extreme versatility and programmability of the human mind and flesh, because this very point also can be so diverse among the multi-billion individuals. But not to forget, it’s all the same, everyone has the same mind, just different pre-programming, conditioning, genetic legacy, but in essence, it’s all the same. If someone doubts it, investigate their own mind and then they will see!
Most people learn that sexual expression is a great way to let go energy with a way, what can feel actually good, but many have different ways to reach their mind’s equilibrium. But it can be so many things, many people for instance meditate, where the mind can be at it’s rest for a moment, some do have to kill animals or even humans or go excessive buying or getting enormous amount of money. But it’s the same energy, the same enslavement, no matter if it feels positive or negative; for the mind, it’s just energy, but there is only so much what the human physical body can take, therefore there are multiple ‘programmed behaviour mechanisms’ at place to ensure that the person remains ‘normal’, and ‘functional’ individually and also socially.

That’s why it’s also important to take inventory within one’s mind about what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad and ask why and how I find balance and what happens, ‘who I become’ when I lose balance and what is the consequence for that, for myself and for others too.
The thermodynamics of self, the economics of energy, the dynamics of inner reactions are also awaiting to be explored within self and there are some quite raw waves within ourselves sometimes in terms of thought-rains or emotional tornados, but at the same time it’s astounding to realize that the apparently insignificant and so subtle reactions, experiences are also equally crucial to be aware of, not just within the understanding of who we accept ourselves to be, but also becoming aware of the practical ways to accumulate real self-change within the consideration of all what is here.

Psychedelic experiences, as with their utmost velocity and intensity are totally twisting and kind of desensitizing everything within these energetic systems, like a thunderbolt, so the slight, tender, breeze movements can remain invisible. Well, maybe with small dosages one might experiment to discover and expand one’s sensibility towards these, but the more clear, present and not stimulated I am, the more I am able to directly see myself, because if I can’t direct myself without any effect, how can I be sure that I can actually direct myself with mind-altering substance? If I put trust into the effect or the altered-version of me, I might gain new knowledge, but after all, I will have to cross-reference it without any effect again anyway; well, of course, only if I want to ensure that I do not delude myself further in any way whatsoever.

After all – this is how I conclude it right here – substances and trance experiences are not bad, but not necessarily good either, these can be also tool for developing practical self-honesty and actual change – because if I realize something about how I could be more effective, honest, supportive, then the actual work begins, where I start to live it in flesh. Here again – this is where for me the trance experience and psychedelic substances faded out for primary self-support, because as I was able to directly ‘read’ and ‘write’ out my mind, my experiences, behavior, personality and to see where I was not honest with myself, it was in front of me, consistently on paper, in the file, and day by day I accumulated this skill of be able to ask more and more direct questions to myself about a conflict, a limitation and then also to be able to answer it within self honesty.

And even if sometimes I have an answer to myself, it’s just the process to find out if it’s really working in reality, action, living, and if not, then I re-align and re-check again: am I self-honest or still there is some energetic reaction, a judgement, a resistance, a separation, a fear? So then I engage that as well and apply self-forgiveness – giving for myself a new opportunity with responsibility. That is a key to understand and not to associate with religious or spiritual terms – because it’s about self here, and to be responsible, no energy or god required, but self-honesty and self-direction lived through and as words directly in the human flesh. Just like Jesus. Hahaha.

I still go to dancing and I see where my mind would wander and then I ask why and I re-align and in the meantime I express myself as dancing, self-movement, breathing, solidifying, unifying and equalizing all of me without thinking or judging, desiring or fearing. Without any substance. Well, maybe a mild tea. But also – when I am tired, I rest, no problem – and if I want to be fresh at the party, I direct myself to rest it before and if I can’t then I also can realize, tiredness can be in the mind and also in the body and if it’s in the mind, I can stop it – and if it’s physical, then I rest and let the ‘need’ of party hard go.

This, as I previously mentioned also, is my process, realization and sharing and I encourage everyone also to share, because it’s worthy to write down, because it’s already supporting. If shared, others also can connect, understand and also even support with their perspective, realization, experience. Nothing is carved into stone here and I take responsibility for things I write here, but I can make mistakes and I might not be absolutely right about things, but then others, you, can read it and respond!
If I would fear that somebody would read my point of view and would say to me ‘you are wrong, deluded’, then maybe it’s true, so then why not to share, to be reflected back to assist me to realize what I’ve mistaken and why and thus to learn and change and transcend! It’s not about me being right, preaching how things are, but what I’ve realized thus far. And I trust myself in this with not a single doubt.

If someone simply states that I am wrong and just judges me without taking the time and explaining, sharing their own process and realization, then it’s not really supporting, however it can reflect back to me to question how and where I stand and to see if there is some self-dishonesty/doubt/judgement within me to face it. That’s why I share and it’s very important to realize that don’t be afraid to share, because there is no shame in acknowledging to be mistaken or even deluded or lost and also it’s entirely not shameful to ask for support and be open to actually change, even if it’s really resisted, because beyond change it’s the most feared: unknown. But that’s how exactly self can learn and know self, with living self-honesty. And then, when I find my place here in and as this human flesh without the fear, the doubt, the resistances, then I am not only assisting and supporting myself, but also becoming a living example and support for others equally.

When I am at the dance floor and seeing others move, communicate, behave, it’s also cool that I’ve walked through so many layers of my mind already(and still walking), so I can more naturally omit judging others based on how they express themselves, because regardless of where they came from, what substance they are on or what they do or tell me, they are actually the same as me in terms of self-realization, which is also more obvious, when I observe myself how I react to others, what is brought up within me about someone, so then I can also see if there is still any judgement, memory, thought-chain, back chat automatically coming up, which I do not have to suppress, disregard, but if I am present, I can reflect it back to the source within me and to understand why this is coming up and what is the starting point of this within me and to realize, that it’s completely me what I experience about the other if there is any energetic, thought, feeling or emotional movement within me. This does not mean I should not interact, I can’t connect or even ‘feel’ others, just to be aware of and not take things personally but also be kind and gentle when it’s possible, obviously not by definition but with common sense and self-trust. Because sometimes one must stand up, raise voice without anger but direct sound or movement, for instance to protect someone or prevent abuse. Luckily, this was never the case for me at any parties where I went thus far, but sometimes the intensity of overwhelming experiences can push people over the edge of considering others as equals as self, so it’s also practical to always be present and consistently here, but not with paranoia and by expecting the worst, but to simply live here, breath by breath.

That’s also an indication of one’s separation from self through and as the mind patterns – when those appear, I am not here, in a way I diminish from presence and take refugee in the mind-dimensions, so here we go, more work with self, and thus existence also, as a whole.
I’ve shared quite some points of the self-delusions I’ve participated within previously, so from this point I will walk self-forgiveness and self-corrective and self-commitment statements to solidify my realizations and also to share, how writing and sounding these words within clarity can be direct self-support without any need for any extra experiences or belief systems or convictions.
So, until next time, thanks, enjoy, bye

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