Day 253 – Urban Judgements to Stop

IMG_6125Last time I wrote about how I got attached to the pre-defined idea of ‘undefined’.

This is a process of investigating what blocks me to effectively expand with the skill of navigation and realizing that it is of a form of self-sabotage as I am automatically making myself busy by judging my surroundings based on my past unnecessarily. So it’s time to let go judgements about urban/rural areas.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I did get lost in the energetic responses of my polarity-based judgements about how city/urban life is not as cool as village/rural life to the extent of losing perspective, gaining emotional reactions and not applying common sense, thus compromising my effectiveness, adaptation and  eventually suppressing my self-honest expression.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within going into judgements/comparisons/reactions/criticizing of city/urban living, I did not see/understand the importance and self-honesty of questioning my reactions, limitation and thus realizing what I can and should change WITHIN MYSELF to stop separating myself in my perception from what I judge, here living in city.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I had pre-existing, pre-created, pre-programmed, pre-accepted judgements/conclusions/comparisons within me in several other dimensions in regarding to city/urban living, what influenced me the way that I judged it as negative, yet it’s in fact not relevant within common sense consideration and direct expression as negative is part of a polarity based on opinion and not self-honesty and facts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be clouded by judgements and related energetic reactions based on the value I’ve defined to the perceived investment into the topic and need for defining who I am in regards to urban and rural living, because alone myself I felt like I am against the world and needed some stability point and I did not realize the physical here, as my body, as the world itself, but I defined my mind, the reactions, the definitions, the energy as tool for balance and thus becoming dependent for the perceived stability to constantly juggle, stabilize myself in the starting point of the mind through these reactions, judgements to not need to face the fact that I fear, I do not know, and I fear that I do not know in general and that giving another feel connected to a certain physical experience what I’ve defined as avoidable instead opening up, stabilizing into and stopping it and releasing as the body as myself and to start answering to my questions within absolute self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define comfortability as important, valuable, preferable, wherein thinking that city is comfortable if I have money, because for paying more than in village/rural living, I get services I do not need to worry about, just like heating, I pay for it, click a button and it’s done and within that not seeing that in fact it was not the heating or even if it’s more than just a button click what made me bothered, but my attachment to do it and wanted to get rid of that reaction to that specific attachment in my mind without questioning it’s origin, which made me ending up just to want to avoid that reaction being triggered without realizing I avoid the conflict within myself instead of really opening up and solving.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the same tendency coming up in many areas of my life what I wanted to avoid by thinking that I can ‘solve’ these problems, such as not needing to plan and shop food for a while ahead and thus defining I need a 24/7 open shop around for if whenever I need something it should be close and not face the fact that I try to avoid being triggered to the reaction for the fact that I am not stable, consistent and able to plan to manage shopping ahead and then to ask the question of why and what is the origin for this inconsistency/instability and how I can stop this self-limitation and in fact what makes me react all the time making myself unstable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my resistance to urban living was in fact not urban living itself and did not realize this until I left the city recently to be able to reflect back of who I accepted myself to be and became in terms of reactions, resistances and only facing the fact, when I actually manage shopping ahead, when I actually realize I do not need non-stop shop and also realizing it is not a huge and problematic effort to heat with more than just a button click, for instance as I heat with firewood, what requires several phases of things to be done and I realize there is no reaction to it and it’s manageable and quite all right, but I used these justifications for so long time in my mind without realizing that these are just cover-ups for deeper self-dishonesty and not wanting to realize that, because once facing the utter fact of I lie to myself, then I could not exist like that any more so I would be frustrated until changed, which is unknown, unpredictable and that I’ve defined as scary, even when I do not ‘see’ fear within me, but in fact within my actions and manifested self-limitations it’s obvious that there is sign of fear and trying to avoid all ways possible to sit down, write this down and face it as fact and then to realize that I can decide and move myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and admitted, acknowledged and really understood that in fact all my problems in my life, all my negative and positive judgements are for duck taping my mind’s experience for a tranquility which I’ve created to hide the fact that I am uncertain and I fear from the unknown, which is in fact myself, because not knowing myself, I fear and not realizing that I can know myself and then to realize that fear is not really me, and I can let it go.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the excuses and their nature in terms of my reactions to them, what I used as reasons against living in city, such as being expensive and fearing not having enough money or fearing from other people who I do not know and fearing to face that most of the people ignore me and disregard me and not care about me what I’ve defined as hard and inhuman and madness and my reactions to these being that it’s not the best for me while not realizing that it’s not more expensive to live in the city and also to question why needing people to regard and care about me instead of I care for myself and how in fact I ignore myself within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I ignored myself in terms of being honest with myself and defining layers of excuses and justifications of why I like or not like something while it’s being completely self-interest wherein considering myself only even when I am sure that I am not sure within myself and not stopping for a moment to ask the question of what is it exactly I am uncertain about and how I can know myself and find stability within presence even while facing unknown.

I forgive myself that I forgot why I came into the city at the first place, which was curiosity and money, because I wanted to meet, experience people and things I did not find in village and also wanted to have a job in my profession to have money to live and within that I deliberately chose to live at the center in order to not need to travel much but being close to everything, thus having time for the things I wanted to do without too much time being spent on traveling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined the lifestyle as I lived as a kid as tiresome, because I had to do certain things in order to get warm, clean the yard, work in garden for the family, support domestic animals, which I did not want, because I wanted to spend time with computers, because that lead to focus less to physical, body, but more into the mind in that time and thus actually wanted to get the heating, washing, cleaning done with one switch of a button as I believed that blocked me from having enough time for the things I wanted to do.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that a reason was to come to the city to see more people, to meet with many people and being able to see more people who I like, enjoy, define as attractive, interesting, because I’ve defined that within village I soon can know everybody and then there is no surprise, no new people to get to know and within that not realizing that I am dependent on searching, seeking constantly and always striving for new, for exploring the unknown within the hope that I can learn more about myself, I can know more about who who I am or who I should be.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there are so many points with what I justify being a good idea to live in the city and also having about the same amount of reasons why it’s not a good idea to live in the city and not realizing that it’s completely up to myself to see the conditions and decide how I want to live and to take responsibility for my decision and also to support myself not to limit myself with judgements and reactions to those points in regarding to judge my environment in a positive or negative way, instead of just seeing it as it is and do all what I can and trust myself unconditionally.

I could dig deeper but for the reason I started this is obvious here now, my resistance to navigate, to be aware of my surroundings, the practical knowledge of where I am and where are things around me is not directly related to that I am in the city or not, it is simply of being busy with constant reactions, which I tend to have more in the city, because there are more things happening, more points are stimulating me to react instead of remaining here within physical consistency and actually focus to assess and expand my practical skills.

I see/realize/understand that the decision I can make about where to live is rather simple than to use positive and negative reactions to stimulate myself into a feeling/emotion to support what shall I do, but rather it’s a choice based on common sense and a self-honest decision of how I want to live and to see the why as well and seeing it’s not emotion/feeling based decision.

When and as I see myself making decisions in my life about how or where to live based on emotion/feeling, I slow down within and realizing I separate myself based on judgement from the situation I face as myself equally, therefore I stop judging, comparing, using polarity of good and bad by investigating the origin of that judgement, separation, belief, judgement as information what I do not live, only ‘knowing’.

When and as I am within the city, I stop judging it based on the money I have, stop comparing it to how less natural it looks than a forest, a field and I stop judging those as better, rather simply seeing that it’s different in some ways and it’s the same on other ways.

I commit myself to not change who I am based on where I am but to remain consistent to the principle of life as equality and oneness in and as the flesh.

I commit myself to not judge people who live in the city or live in the village or suburban, but rather to realize that any judgement towards the world/others is actually a self-judgement projected out, thus I reflect it back and to realize the fear behind such polarity-based perception-separation and I forgive myself for fearing instead of acting common sense immediately.

I commit myself to stop defining concrete, streets, lack of soil, green, plants as depressing, unnatural, tiresome, and to realize that if I react to this perception automatically, then it is not who I really am, but what I accepted and allowed myself to become as judgement-reaction robot, thus I take a breath and I stabilize myself here, not defining how I am, but rather just allow myself to be and experience and express myself.

I commit myself to stop going into reactions of judgements about how uncool I find cities to be within and thus distracting myself from the potential to be consistent within presence and self-direction.

I commit myself to recognize the judgements and patterns of defining and categorizing, polarizing, prioritizing how I should experience myself within urban area, industrial area, highway area, but to realize the fact that I can embrace the need for these judgements by understanding what is the fear I would face if I would not go into this automatic judgement/reaction and then facing that fear and breathe and not participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not finding the route to my destination by myself thus wanting to constantly rely to GPS and not realizing that if sometimes I make a mistake, it’s still completely alright and if I really hurry or not sure, I still can return to the GPS and meanwhile there is no need to react, get frustrated, angry, impatient, self-judgemental, thus I push myself to remain consistently here and give myself the space and time to learn and expand, enjoy and explore.

I commit myself to remain stable, present, consistent during driving all the way, no matter what happens, I am here, breathing, whatever comes and goes I am directing myself to be constantly here.

I commit myself to recognize the patterns I would react to and at the moment of their emerging – I remain here, breathing, realizing that as this thing comes, will go, and my commitment is to remain directive with the car no matter what without any tension, worry or fear by simply let go all judgements and expectations.

This concludes my self-support in regarding to driving for now and I go and explore and whenever a pattern will emerge what I would see as supporting to write about, I will continue to apply the tools what I was assisted to learn from DESTENI I PROCESS.

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