Day 252 -Attached to Undefined

IMG_5918In my last blog post I’ve opened up memories and reactions, associations in regarding the word ‘navigation’ and I’ve realized that there are some tendencies I would like to purify from my personality.
I’ve mentioned before how I was deliberately developing ways to sabotage my conscious mind to work properly in order to reveal deeper layers, awaken other type of awareness possibilities and when I’ve felt myself as not knowing of what is going on, where I am, I’ve pushed myself to not just accept it, be comfortable within the ‘unknown‘, but actually enjoying it too.

There was something genuinely fascinating having no idea whatsoever about what is happening or even not being able to answer such questions of ‘who I am‘ or ‘what I am experiencing‘/’what is going on‘, because I’ve felt myself as exploring the unknown, walking into infinity without directly seeing myself being influenced by my past. Why? Because I’ve felt myself a bit like Alice in Wonderland, as a newborn, who has no layers of information in his mind to compare with what is this ‘here‘, what are these experiences and the most important aspect was this: because I did not know what the ‘rules’ are, I did not feel myself as limited.
That aspect was just a side effect of the psychedelics, yet I got attached to it and interpreted it as something to be kept, yet it’s drawback was that I did not really care much about physical reality, location, stability, rather I saw that as something I can fly/swim around within, but it’s kind of irrelevant as once I am developing my ‘freedom’, it will be just as a ‘substance’ I can ‘use’ for my purposes and I did not realize that the actual freedom,- what also can be seen as not being limited when entering the system – is really a practical skill, which is actually very much related to, well: IT IS physical reality.
My whole personality was built around consciousness systems, even my profession is software engineering, not much related to actual substance and I see certainly a symbolism, which is like a tendency within me is that wherever I am, I just do whatever I want, because I can and the more I am unrelated to the actual reality, the more free of it I would become, so I efficiently perfected the ability of not being aware where I am, or even why I do what I do.

This delusion basically broke down before I’ve realized that the most relevant point in my life is the human physical body, because that is the quintessence of all who I consist of and if that’s limited, if that’s injured, it is directly all of who I am actually.

Then I’ve found the Desteni tools, the Principle of Equality and Oneness and started to apply Self-forgiveness with what I started to open up, realize, decompose and stop participating in my delusions one by one and to realize that the actual physical substance is the ‘greatest’ ‘form’ of awareness I can unify myself with and the only thing what separates me from all of existence is my mind consciousness system, which consists of layers of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, relationships, energies, conditions and convictions, what I automatically participate within is programmed into my – again: the same point – human physical body.

However, since a while I’ve realized that the common sense is that I should be aware of why I do what I do and to understand how to become effective within this human system by first understanding myself and stop the patterns what do not support me or others.

Today is about the feeling of being lost, not being certain, not knowing where I am, not being aware of what it is I experience.
I’ve proven to myself that many times I can be wrong, so why bother to rely on what I automatically ‘just’ perceive myself to know to be?
If I know that I do not know, then I can use that to say ‘well, I did not really know’, so then whenever I make mistake, I fail with something, I can say ‘see – I did not really know’ – and also to protect my personality, my ego, that “it’s all right“, “it is wise not to get attached“, “just flow” and certainly not admitting and taking responsibility for the fact, that this is not the best I could do.

That was a strong motivation why I spent years to develop abilities to act ‘from the hip’, meaning undefined, not categorized,
spontaneously. In theory, this might not be that ‘bad’, however I did not consider several points, what I was dishonest about.

I was self-dishonest about that I did prefer to trust what I did when I did not define, yet I missed to realize that it was also certainly from a previously established self-definition/reaction/memory/automation, just there was no ‘obvious’ thinking or my body already got programmed directly into automatic reaction/action, so there was no ‘conscious’ movement within or if there was any, it was very fast and I was busy with the energetic/emotional reaction ‘itself’.
I only used the ‘breathing here within empty presence’, when I sat down to meditate, when I needed some moments to equate my mind for a moment to experience a peace, but it was never a solution, as used only to balance the mind, not to transcend with practical understanding and self-directive awareness.
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However within walking Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness since a while, I’ve realized that my subconscious and unconscious, the physical or even the quantum mind is programmed to behave a certain way, which if I do not see/realize/understand and question/cross-reference/embrace/stop/forgive/re-define, then I am the same way limited/pre-programmed/conditioned to act certain ways according to situations and circumstances, regardless how I just embrace it with entitling it by ‘instinct’ or ‘awareness’ or ‘flow’ or ‘zen’, but it’s certainly not actual, real awareness. Why? Because simply I am not fully aware of how each and every single thought/reaction/emotion/my physical reaction and action is being influenced/triggered, yet I act like it’s really me, but in fact I am not entirely certain, rather I just go along with it.

Usually, ordinary humans can even justify or defend their ‘unaware’ aspects of themselves by referring the whole package as ‘this is who I am’ or ‘it’s human nature’, meanwhile in fact obviously not, just not having actual, real, practical understanding of their own beingness/existence.

It takes rather unusual amount of discipline, dedication and effort to go beyond any self-limitation and then also the point of motivation is being challenged, because the real self-honesty points will reveal quite brutal character-flaws, weaknesses, self-delusions, what for always the individual, thus: I am, me is the responsible here. That requires guts and the person might not end up constantly obsessed with entertainment, love, light or happiness, but for a while, enters deeper, darker, in a way, more nasty dimensions of self, which is totally worthy, if there is principle and support to walk through with a self-honest process to correct self within practical application, which sometimes requires to change a perception, an automatic reaction, but with diligence and self-trust, it is possible to change within self-direction.

What I see as extraordinary is when one questions and investigates everything, not letting or leaving even one single point within oneself being absolutely critical with and if necessary, finding practical ways to CHANGE.

It’s not a big deal to acknowledge that I am far from being perfect within something or everything I do, especially when it’s about self – Can I trust myself fully? Do I lie to myself ever? Do I really do what I want? Am I limiting myself with any fear? Is there anything I could do to make myself and the world a better place?

Awareness is not something happens all of a sudden – it’s a process, however only can start to grow once someone starts to stabilize oneself within one’s mind and body.

Meaning, I recognize that I am constantly changing, personality aspects come and go in my head, once I feel good and up, then based on an event I feel bad and down and all of this feels like I am not really the director in my life, but like an actor playing by a screenplay, which I did not even read, while I have some desires how I would imagine things to happen and based on that, because as I feel it in my mind with positive reaction, I can believe, it’s enough to attract it to manifest it, while it’s just an experience I create merely only in my mind, while reality requires practical application within specific understanding.

That was the introduction of why I keep investigating and working on changing my patterns of my mind – because I can and because I realized it was not the best it could be and thus I do not accept anything less than who I can be as my utmost potential. And for that it’s not a great excuse that I do not know what is my utmost potential, so how not to accept what I am currently, maybe it is already, so kind of saying without any doubt/wavering/uncertainty within absolute self-honesty that ‘I am the best version of myself already’.

If not, then why not change what I see not the best? Some might not know that it’s possible, maybe, because have been successfully brainwashed that it’s part of the human nature, or a genetic material what tells me how to be just ‘ordinary’ or to accept mistakes without actually learning from them.

Previously I did not know any other ways to question my mind’s authority than taking extremely psychoactive substances and with the proper method/support/attitude, these can indeed bridge through some obstacles within self but as those catalyze the whole mind, surprising things can jump out from the ‘dark’ or within the starting point of Absolute Self-honesty, those experiences should not be trusted either, because I am already a product of a pre-programmed mind consciousness system in and as a human physical body, which one do not yet understands.

So it’s easy to go sideways, just as I did with the spiritual agendas, the white light and enlightenment delusions and not realizing that I was wasting years instead of applying practical common sense and developing absolute self-honesty and accumulating real understanding to support actual change with self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective application.

What I am actually going to walk here in regarding to the attitude to get attached to is the experience and assumption of ‘non-attachment’ and defining the ‘undefined’ as superior while not realizing still being defined and thus limited within a polarity system in my mind, instead of directly living here in and as the physical within self-trust.

So, this is the first point I walk through.

The second I’ve mentioned in my previous post, which was the negative attachment to cities, urban living and how I’ve defined suburban and even more rural living as positive and by that to filter how to rather focus on those attachments/reactions than actually developing practical skills to adapt accordingly regardless of where I am: city or nature.

Coming from a village into the city, there were reasons I’ve felt uncomfortable, yet I did not realize how much I’ve limited myself by these reactions and by the time passed, actually how much I’ve compromised myself and eventually accepted these self-limitations and self-compromises as who I am, while the truth is, I am not as I can and I am going to change.

That is the eye of the needle in my understanding within existence – what is awareness versus what is consciousness?
Can you become aware of the programming of your consciousness? Can you change it and thus yourself?
Can you become what is best for all?
Consciousness will tell that’s nonsense, while who is really becoming aware will realize – the only true way is what is best for all.

Here are several simple (and probably many more) ways to demonstrate a human mind self-limitation, and one is that question to ask: What I have to apply/act/live what is best for all? If someone can’t answer that, it means one is not yet reached her/his utmost potential, which then brings the next question: why I am accepting myself to be less than I could be?

Another simple test – I make time – and then I do sit down and say – all of me stops here, my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, my body, my beingness – all of me: I STOP.
And then to just observe – what will move is not SELF, but the mind consciousness system. The thoughts automatically coming up, the feelings, the urges to react to something, to feel energy, to stop this nonsense or anything moves within or without. All who I perceive as ‘ME’, as ‘I’ – I said STOP – so then – how little is what I can have directive principle over within myself – and how vast aspects of me move automatically regardless of I say STOP or not.
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Self-forgiveness on getting attached on not knowing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘undefined’ as better than defining, because then believing by not knowing I do not rely onto a knowledge I am uncertain about or even being certain about being wrong and not realizing that I still ‘maintain’ these definitions/judgements within me and then keeping the balance within polarity and by equating it believing that then it’s ‘neutral’ and thus not influencing me, not determining me and not realizing that both cause energetic reactions within me whether I am aware of them or not what charge and fuel, stimulate and influence certain personalities within me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe/think/define that if I am unable to define, then I am automatically free from my past definitions, which caused me to limit myself and not realizing that if I am not aware of the specific details of that self-definition, why, how I’ve participated within it, there is no guarantee that I will not do it again, especially, because I am not aware of how and why I am unable to rely to it when I can’t.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined trust outside of me by relying to experiences and methods to direct how my mind works without being fully aware of how and why it does what it does and only perceiving the results I can experience which then I actually define anyway, even that the starting point of projecting my trust outside of me to reach the state of ‘undefined’.

I forgive myself that I have no realized that I’ve defined undefined as preferable, because defined what I’ve previously defined as not preferable and instead of stopping re-and re-defining what I’ve defined previously, wanting to superimpose a state when I inhibit those re-definitions by believing that would eventually solve my problem of self-limitation by automatic judgement/definition/categorizing/polarizing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define not knowing where I am or what I do experience as positive and stopping to ask questions, but trying to get along and ‘go with the flow’ and not realizing I stop trusting myself, but trusting the experience of not defining while completely disregarding what is happening here in and as the physical, wherein I participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can simply disregard all of my past self-definitions without actually becoming aware of how and why I’ve started to participate within those in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy not knowing where I am and where I came from or what will happen in the next moment or what I will see and find when I would go to a certain direction and defining that as excitement which then would feed my curiosity and feeling energized, stimulated, charged.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define the unknown and feeling the unknown, meaning facing it and not having any clue yet participating within it, interacting with it without any understanding – defining as cool and brave meanwhile not realizing that I accept myself not being aware of the specific details of what is happening here and thus sabotaging my very starting point of not wanting to be limited by actually limiting my understanding process with exchanging it to a feeling.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve hunted a feeling I’ve coupled with inhibiting my conscious mind of my thoughts/feelings/emotions and defining this inhibition as empowering, liberating, because then being able to look/feel other senses/ways to experience myself and the world and meanwhile not seeing the compromise I make for those and by those actually manifesting the very point I wanted to avoid, which is being limited by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find and define as boring when I exactly know where I am physically and what is around me and defining it as imprisoning/limiting meanwhile not realizing that I limit myself actually and not asking how and why to support myself to STOP.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I do not need to know where I am or what I am going to face next, because I am unrelated to physical, because being consciousness and within identifying myself with it, also identifying with it’s limitations as my own self-limitations, such as only being able to exist based on the polarity of defined and undefined and not realizing that both I’ve actually defined somehow previously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embrace forgetfulness as good, because then I do not know what I did and how I did or where I went, because then defining/feeling liberated from it, while not acknowledging the fact that I first allowed myself to be influenced by it what I wanted to overcome with not remembering.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that forgetting something is self-delusion and deliberate self-deception, because in fact I could remember if I would really look into myself and not being constantly distracted and mesmerized by other reactions coming up automatically based on internal or external triggering.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not fully here physically while I walk/travel/drive around, therefore not being able to follow how and where I am coming from, because listening to thoughts/feelings/emotions what distracts me from consistently being here.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted the fact that even for a microsecond if I am distracted from the consistency of being here by a singular thought makes me separated from here, the presence in my mind, therefore I miss something, I break the consistency, thus whatever I experience should not trust, yet the very starting point with what I break the consistency is that I rather trust my mind than being consistently here as trusting myself directly in each moment equally, unconditionally.

I will continue with Self-forgiveness on defining urban area as uncool…

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