Day 246 – Driving Self-forgiveness

DSC_0901Continuing with the fears I held onto before starting driving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from hitting by a car and thus defining cars as things I do not like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from identifying myself with being responsible to the pollution a car does, thus saying not wanting to have a car to not want to pollute, because I’ve defined car owners as responsible for pollution, what I’ve defined as bad and if I would have a car, I would automatically define myself also as bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from sitting in a car and hitting someone, crashing into things, causing devastation, wrecking things up and fear from living the rest of my life with the shame and regret, the stigma of caused horrible things and thus locking down myself from considering to drive a car.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have the tendency to close myself down, shut myself off from things I fear participating within, because of the belief that I can’t learn, direct myself in a responsible way, because I fear I can’t trust myself within not doing something bad for others, for myself, so rather learning, changing, expanding, choosing to avoid everything what I fear from to protect myself from consequences and not realizing that I am limiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I can’t stop daydreaming and thinking about not present things for longer period of time, thus defining myself incompetent to drive, as fearing that I can’t control my thoughts, imaginations, associations, memories, emotions coming up and thus being absolutely powerless to stop myself to be distracted from driving, thus not being able to drive responsibly, thus causing accident, injury, destruction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined myself based on the self-accepted tendency of daydreaming, thinking, reacting in my mind and never considered the option, the decision to stop participating and changing myself, because I’ve identified myself with my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I fear from letting go self-definition, from stepping out of my habits, letting go the automatic reactions, because then I face every moment as unknown, because I do not know myself, so then I rather rely on knowledge about already accumulated patterns and personalities, than to trust myself in each moment equally without relying on thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I fear, I fear from fear, I fear letting go fear and not wake myself up and become aware of this fact all the time, when I participate within thinking, reacting to emotions and feelings, which are the indication of me not being here directly but relying to the patterns with what I can escape the experience of fear, the uncertainty, the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the unknown, because then I do not know what will happen, I do not know what I will do, I will not know how I am going to get through and that I’ve defined as scary, fearful, linked to a physical reaction, which comes up in the face of anxiety, stress, worry, anger, which I do not like, because then I am uncomfortable, distracted, I can’t enjoy myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined uncomfortable experiences as avoidable, defining enjoyment as more important than to face what’s not comfortable and not considering that facing facts, changing self-limitation, self-delusion is uncomfortable, because I realize I was living in the shadow of my own fear, my own delusion, thus all who I perceived myself to be turning out to be not who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I worry from losing control, which I defined having and with car I fear that I can’t have absolute control, because there are factors I just can’t own, such as others, the car, random events, weather, physics but most importantly my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to have trust within me, thus always questioning myself, going into reaction of anxiety, frustration and doubt about what I do is right, is it the best I can do and also when defining something as ‘it could have been better’, then going into my memories, playing it back and reacting to it, judging it, defining it, judging myself and having positive and negative reactions and not realizing meanwhile I am physically here, but in fact I am still living in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can only change myself in the moment, here, breathing, physical, but not in my emotions, reactions, feelings, thoughts, what are the indication of how and where I stuck in the past, because of fear, because of doubt, and the solution is also to become aware of the ‘how’ it happened, why it happened to be able to change my starting point and practical application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my fears as practical and common sensical as possible, meaning opening these up and to see what is the reason for that to accept, what I can and should do to stop it and then move myself, push myself and direct myself to do it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can open up directly what are the actual points of worry about driving, because being lost in the reactions of experiences not wanting to face, so rather not even considering those points to avoid to experience the fear, but not realizing that this is with me all the time, just I am not looking, seeing, admitting it.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I worry about the points within my driving I am not confident with yet, such as not feeling exactly the width and length of the car, when I drive how exactly far things are when I pass by and not realizing that I can use this worry and uncertainty to develop such skill, for what I can take time and effort and find ways to develop that skill, specifically, go somewhere and practice until I am skilled the way I am more confident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not feeling skilled enough to be just a justification to remain worried and fear from doing a leap of faith into the unknown, unpredictable, so rather I move uncertainly and then if something would happen, I could have the reaction that ‘because I knew, I was not skilled enough’ and not realizing that I can entirely stop this construct by actually learning the skills and forgiving myself for all the fears coming up and go deeper into further self-forgiveness and apply breathing, directing myself to remain here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the fear, worry, doubt is the least effective thing to participate within, because meanwhile I am not here, I am not applying the change, the direction required for the solution I fear having problem with.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear that the car can have problem, it’s break can go wrong, it’s wheel can stop working, and not realizing that I also can ensure the regular checks, maintenance and even some of those doing by myself to have a more reliable instrument to trust myself more.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to resist knowing more about car mechanics, because defining those as related to hardware, which I defined as I am not as good with as with software, and not realizing it’s an excuse to do actual physical-related work, such as making my hands dirty, do some physical efforts, what I’ve defined as not worthy and also as inferior to figuring things out and doing intellectual work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something as intellectual work, only when not needing to use any physical tools, objects, or as least as possible, and then trying to avoid everything what requires physical work, because defining that as inferior and beyond that not being self-honest with myself that I defined that it’s not worthy of learning, so I should not bother with that and not realizing how much self-limitation I accept like that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined that I do not have enough time to learn skills what I’ve defined as inferior to intellectual work and not realizing that it is an excuse to not needing to face that I’ve allowed myself to not be physically capable of doing physical work without not becoming tired and exhausted and not wanting to experience that in the name of comfortability, and not realizing that many times avoiding to do physical job-related things in fact I get into uncomfortable situations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not have much skills for doing the basic car-maintenance for instance checking fluid levels and refilling them, because defining those things as not intellectual and thus limiting myself and not realizing that thus diminishing myself into a state of not exactly being aware of the state of the car, only relying to the electronic dashboard, which then suddenly can give signals of problems and then defining the car not being good enough and not realizing that every tool requires maintenance, care.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can actually learn the skills required for simple physical maintenance for the car and also not realizing that I do need only once to learn these in application and then I could be able to do it and still resisting it and not realizing that I have to make it to happen, learn by myself or ask someone to teach me and during every day living always be in the motion, the flow and always having something to do and not creating time for this and not realizing that I can schedule things and then organize, direct it to happen.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have the worry and fear from not being aware of how long it takes to stop the car if I have to use an emergency break at specific speeds on specific roads and thus not being able to pick the best possible speed at certain traffic situations and when going faster than I would feel I could stop, then feeling anxious, even not being aware of that I am in tension, because of this, but for instance giving into a perception of peer pressure, for instance driving in a curvy road at night while someone comes fast behind me and also someone goes fast in front of me, suggesting that it’s normal to go with the speed they go while I feel like I am not directing the car with confidence and awareness, thus feeling like pushing myself through relying on luck, which I feel once will run out and then something will happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about when changing lanes not looking to the direction I will move, such as into the mirror, into the blind spot by looking back with my head and thus forming a habit of relying to this worry to tell me to look and thus even resulting to look more than necessary to ensure I do not make mistake, because being occupied with the worry and not the actual check.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry about being distracted by looking something too ‘rigidly’ thus not realizing that my perception being stuck to one thing, meanwhile many things are happening around me what are relevant to consider within the driving and thus forming a fear from ‘missing something’ and then within that worry, having this tension of always looking, but not realizing that then I only look when having this tension.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry about not always being aware of the traffic rules, the law, how to drive when, who has the precedence, for instance when going into a coequal intersection and not being aware of who should go through first, thus being uncertain and relying to others and not realizing that it’s not practical and in fact not safe, because the most safe would be to know the rule and then apply that to the real situation, meaning if someone would deviate from it, still being aware of what would be the best way to come out the safest from this situation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry and fear from being distracted and busy within the car interior about doing, looking at or searching things and thus disregarding traffic and thus creating danger or accident and not realizing that the solution is not to worry about it, but ensuring always being aware of the traffic, the car and if this means not being able to do something in the car, then bring the car into situation where it’s safe, meaning slowing down, going to slower lane, going to park the car and this being obvious, but still thinking about it, worrying about it means I give into the fear instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about taking a curve too fast, so then the car would turn around and crash or simply slipping out from the corner, and not realizing it’s also a skill to know on what road with what speed in what condition I can take a curve and if I am uncertain, then I should slow down more.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to worry about slowing down at times as then fearing that the one behind me would come into my car if he/she would not be able to react quickly enough, thus not slowing down when I would see necessary if I would be alone and not realizing that this is a fear, what is not practical and if I rely to this and thus reacting first in my mind and not do it in real time, I can create danger, and for this to not let go it’s not an excuse to not brake when I go too fast, but rather be aware of the distance and the speed of the car behind me and thus anticipate the whole traffic, which is also a skill, meaning requiring to check the back with the mirrors regularly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the car not starting up and feeling that I have two tons of mass being stuck with me what has no use and being responsible for it to be here, meaning to call someone to fix it or to call trailer to carry it away, meaning time, effort and uncomfortability, and also money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not having enough money to afford taking care of my car, or in cases of accident, crash, to repair it or buy another and within that giving into the worry and anxiety and not even realizing it while driving it, which essentially influencing me to be less effective and responsible driver and thus adding into manifesting the subject of my fear, what I want to avoid.

—-

So these are the worries, fears coming up within writing – these are not present all the time, I am quite comfortable with driving every day almost two hours but if I really look into myself, I can ‘find’ these here and there within myself, so better to bring out and face and work with them in a safe environment, to cross-reference and understand what is practical, what is not practical and how to improve skill, confidence, safety the best way possible.

It might seem ‘overkill’ to write down all of my ever happened worries, fears, many people think that fear can motivate more caution and more safety, but who wants to live in fear when there can be rather self-trust and self-direction?

There is a saying around here which says it’s better to fear than to shy, so then people rather choose to be in constant fear to not get surprised with unforeseen difficulties. I’d rather stop the fear by do all I can prevent the thing happen and be responsible. I know by experience how limiting fear can be and within identifying myself with it I am not even being aware of it and then going to justify, even protect it as it is myself when facts and reality shows it’s not common sense. That’s why I take the time to make notes of all fears to be aware of how I am solving it and if I see that not really, then I dig deep, because it’s worth it. Many times only can be seen how limiting some fear can be once one is proven to be moved beyond it.

In this case, I even see that worry and fear can really limit to be better driver, because it’s a false prophet to listen to fear, but for being able to let it go, I have to find, build and accumulate self-trust based on facts, skills, practical solutions.

There will be a couple of more points like these I’ve sketched here and then move into deeper opening and self-correction.

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