Day 245 – Seeing the Matrix with Self-forgiveness

IMG_5594-EditToday wanted to continue with the fear-paranoia aspects I had before started driving, but this point opened up to be able to explain Self-forgiveness.
As more people asks about what and why I do with this Process around me, it’s supportive to clarify it, even to myself. And sharing is caring, so here I share.

I do not really feel much worry or fear as accumulating more and more driving experience every day, however at certain situations I can still feel a thrill momentarily which I mark here with Self-forgiveness to not get lost in that reaction, but remain directive and present all the time.

This is one of the most supporting aspects of applying Self-forgiveness, that I literally work with awareness accumulation focused to self-direction on what I accept and what I am changing and why. And of course, when going into the practical details and Self-correction, Self-commitment part, the HOW I am changing dimension as well.

Several times I was asked about why I keep forgiving myself, why not just forgive everything once and for all, but the ones suggest this are still not yet grasping what it really means and how one actually can support oneself with bringing more awareness and directive principle into each moment.
The ‘problem’ is not the lack of ‘good will’, but the ignorance for the actual details of how actually I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by forces that I do not fully understand and therefore I am not able to change it – as myself. This can lead to inner friction, conflict, one can go into fight and resistances, like trying to change but still holding onto things what are still ‘alive’ within self, parts of multiple personality profiles, like in one moment I want to be stable, strong, someone to be relied to and in the next moment I just want to go home and leave the world behind and just do some entertainment and if I am not directing all with awareness, I am just drifting among experiences and then I can feel that it is not me who is deciding what to do but based on experiences, conditions I just do what feels like to be done in the moment and then later I can have this friction, self-judgement, doubt, uncertainty building up, manifesting anxiety, frustration, even anger.
I hear so many times people say bad things about themselves, how bash themselves verbally about how lazy, coward, even spiteful or pervert they feel themselves to be, and in that tonality it’s obvious that they do not enjoy this, yet they feel powerless, so it’s a self-acceptance, a giving up experience, which they can feel that they can resist, fight with certain things at certain times, but there are times, when they just can’t.

I exactly know how that is, as I was there, and if I am not giving self-support time and space, effort and direction to myself, at certain aspects of myself I still can build up this ‘fighting’, which manifests emotions, uncomfortability and eventually something bad, like anger or physical discomfort, illness.

The solution is always to stop for a moment and to see what I am participating within in my mind, how I can word it out and what it is, what I am exactly acting out and to ask why.
With Self-forgiveness I decompose the patterns I already constitute without being aware of and I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed and giving myself the ability to remember. Giving attention and awareness, focus and direction to points I did not see this clearly before, because I did not specifically investigated, because I did not dare to question my existence in this detail before.
Also, if I really keep forgiving myself about the same points without really stopping, changing, then it’s not REAL application, thus I shall go deeper, re-align with my application, ask assistance or cross-reference what I perceive. But it’s also common as I forgive myself and stop and change, I see that it’s related to another point, maybe to an event, an experience, a self-definition, what also can be part of another layer, so one must be prepared to be able to walk through these systems with discipline and direction and not get lost in the details or to stop for reacting to a pattern unfolding.

This is the real Matrix, so those, who can see the systems are not seeing these flowing green characters, but individuals, who can walk the mind, the consciousness, without get lost in the details, without being distracted with reactions, but to be able apply common sense and to see the system, what we constitute of and to understand these patterns and the creation itself and to recognize that we are our creators and we are not separated from the consistent ‘creation’.

It’s all HERE all the time. That’s why opening up why I am who I am is relevant. As the biological development of a baby goes through certain phases, it’s the same with the human mind – there is so much to understand…to see what was brought upon me, like automatically learned from parents – good things, not so good things for instance…
All the specific moments throughout my entire life from childhood what I forgot, I give back and with this specific remembrance when the specific condition, pattern I face with again, I will see – this is the point where I usually accept myself to go into self-judgement, like if this would be really supportive to punish myself in the belief that this could help to ‘regret’ and somehow would bring me into change.

If I really regret it, I do not want to do it again, so then I change. If the ‘price’ for that is to write the patterns out, if to take responsibility and forgive myself is that, it’s really worthy, because first of all it’s totally free – only takes a pencil and pen – or a computer and to sit down, slow down and write it out, take direction, do word ‘down’ and to see if it’s that doable and what could be needed to change myself in this specific aspect of myself.

Also, forgiveness, because I realize, that this was not the best I could do, so I stop feeling bad about it, because I realize, this is not who I really am – yes, at this moment this is what I accept and allow myself to be, to became, but as I see, realize, understand that I can imagine better, I can certainly change myself to that too.

And if, there is resistance, there is difficulty, there is fear coming up, if there are any excuses and justifications trying to convince myself that why this is ‘acceptable’, then those points are also for further understanding and Self-forgiveness to take responsibility for.

It’s overwhelming in the beginning, how much compromise one can accept but with accumulation, slowly but surely one can change the tides and this is where real life can begin: change.

In a way, if I am unable to change myself, by myself, as myself, then what that tells me about who I am? A programmed robot? This can also open up what we believe and what are the facts – and to see that human nature is also nothing but conditioning, acceptance, programming.

What is really helpful to consider, write down, say aloud is this:

I do not accept anything less than who I really am.

What are the true potentials for me? Have I really tested, went to the very limits of myself and with great effort, cross-referencing, self-and external support, have I proven that this specific limit I can not overcome? Or I just listened to my thoughts, chosen comfortable, given into resistances and thus defined myself to be then equal with this limitation?

I suggest to carefully accept any self-limitation based on thoughts, judgements, opinions, beliefs, memories, excuses and justifications, because as everything in this existence, these also accumulate and slowly but surely one can literally diminish any potential to grow, expand and change.

That is why I sit down and write about Self, write about my realizations, write about my problems, because I commit myself to find and apply the practical solutions. Because there is nothing more frustrating to realize the fact that I have chosen myself to be limited and thus I can not blame anyone or anything but myself, and even that blame is not really practical, it’s just also another level of justification of why I do not give up the perceived self-definitions of who I believe myself or the world to be.

The very definition of ‘Giving up’ also must be purified, to always be clarified about what I am giving up without associating with giving up on myself, because giving up a delusion is exactly the opposite of giving up on myself, because I gift myself with one less delusion to hold onto.

Again, the question is “Who taught to hate yourself?” and why to accept it – we are nothing but words coming into movement, the question is that do I want to live the words I speak? Or if someone says no, then why not?

In this world, there are so many misunderstood things, causing extreme amount of suffering what is not necessary, people hate each other and establishments, religions, corporations, why in fact a human only can hate oneself and then projecting that out to others.

I hated myself before, because I could not stop, change the things I realized I kept participating within I knew were self-dishonest, not supporting neither me or others, yet I felt compelled to repeat the mistakes. This caused frustration, doubt, anger, so many unnecessary, distracting emotion.

We should not resist responsibility, commitment, consistency – I am responsible for who I am and what I do, whether I accept it or not – even when people state that ‘I am selfish, sorry’ – is just an excuse to not face the facts, the manifested consequences, which is, in a way, everyone’s responsibility.

I can say that I am not responsible for the world, the wars, the corruption and abuse, but if I really investigate how the world system, money system, political system and all of those work, I am in fact part of it, I am within this system, so this way, it’s really spiteful to say that ‘it’s not my business’ – and spite is also self-reflection, a result of a previous conditioning.

Instead of preaching about what should be done, individuals can walk the process of change and self-realization and lead by example so to speak. Within difficult times, it will be obvious, who gets lost in reactions and distracted by emotions and who will remain directive, present, responsible.

That’s why process focuses to SELF – I am here, no matter what’s going on, it is fact, so I’d rather deal with the responsibility.

The tools of Desteni I Process(it’s just a name, kind of irrelevant, of course it’s history, the individuals created it chose like this) are maybe not for everyone, but to disregard it, to decide not to even try is not suggested. All I can do is to suggest to give it a try, the LITE course is free, online, there is buddy support by those, who got already support and realized that giving is receiving and vice versa.

The most ‘intense’ consequence of starting to walk the DIP LITE course would be some realization of how much problems we can reveal what should be and in fact can be solved. To accept external support at challenging times is also critical, because it’s not just about ‘me, myself, I’, but my reality is also in the cause and effect chain, so by changing myself, I am changing the world!

I will continue with the driving-related self-correction next time.

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