If I look into myself, it’s simple – I want to write as much as possible, there are so many things I realize, I want to share, I want to direct, write through, prepare, support myself with – it’s every day like that, no exception.
If I try to bring up excuses, I immediately see, there is none what can be actually justified, but somehow still I can come up with several ones:
I just moved to my new home, since a week there is normal internet, I had no car in the last two weeks, so my travels took double time and arrived home late night almost every day, I was working on big blog posts, and one took me multiple days to finish, started another – not public writing project, joined another online course…
These were not really relevant as if I would really investigate and self-honestly see them individually or even altogether: there was still time. Well, exactly that was the point this(last) month I kept saying to myself, whenever I had some time to write more. “Hey, it’s still not the end of the month, tomorrow!” And then the last day of the month was a pre-scheduled travel day all day along, so what to do, it’s done.
Well, the world certainly will continue without more of my blog posts, but it’s about my commitment.
Is it resistance to sit down and write? In these days writing comes easily – even if there is something self-dishonesty, it’s not that uncomfortable to write about it, especially, because I start to get to the senses, that this is really supporting me. How? The previous writings, the journey I’ve walked thus far is proof, what I do not have to think about, it’s in my physical being with me all the time. That’s great. But regardless of all the process in the world, if I rely on to one singular thought-pattern, I still can be distracted, so to speak – mesmerized – by the self-definition I’ve given into, such as “I still have time” and repeating it until the end of times(symbolic, meaning when there is no more time, like end of a cycle, such as 2015 October).
Where I could have give more time to write: for instance I’ve watched several episodes of TV series, one-two movies during the month what with I could have been waited, but it’s another point to open up within the ‘justification’ what got me: I was tired, exhausted, so it seems like I’ve linked walking a broad pillar of my process only if I am fresh, energetic, totally directive, however what I do not consider is that exactly with the patterns of justifications I also can make experience myself as tired. I’ve noticed that before: when participating within a lot of thinking, reasoning in my mind, it takes quite a lot of effort and once I fall into the experience of ‘tiredness’ – I accept to rely on specific patterns to handle this state: drinking tea, coffee, eating for instance – but before going to sleep, I do not do those things, because it would not support me to sleep well. So I accepted the conditional tiredness not to change based on another condition and all of a sudden I was not directing, but I was controlled by my perceptions and judgements!
Yes, there can be days, when I am so tired and exhausted that my head falls down and I can just close my eyes and I immediately fall asleep, but within the last month, there was only one or two days, when I arrived home like that. Also, when I go to sleep earlier, usually I can wake up earlier too, thus giving the ‘time’ to do my commitments.
It’s something, what I take seriously, not as I am crazy serious, but simply, because I’ve decided and it’s a self-reflection and also, because I have much more plans to continue with, what requires dedication, consistency and self-trust, so for that it’s quite a simple test: can I write at least 4 ‘proper’ blog posts(sharing points I have realized, changed, walked through) – and if not, then I see, why not and what and how exactly I have to change my attitude, behavior.
Here I walk a series of opening self-forgiveness statements to exactly see what are the things I see within myself-my mind what I am not always aware of, yet could influence, accumulate me into lack of self-direction.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not writing four blog posts in a month and focusing onto the ‘why not’ and the reaction of ‘how uncool is that I don’t’ instead of finding opportunities and making effort to actually sit down and write.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I do need a lot of time to ‘construct’ a proper blog post, what is containing ‘good enough’ support, written well, meaning no much grammatical errors, readable by others and around one topic.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply myself fully when writing blog post and thus not writing always within presence, thus ending up writing without discipline, self-direction and thus ‘adding’ into the writing something what I am sure later I will re-read and realize has to be rewritten-changed-re-aligned-removed and thus indeed manifesting what I was worried about: takes too much time, not having enough time, while if I would discipline and direct myself to write only within presence, clarity, then it could be ‘faster’.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see when I am not present within writing but starting to write about points of how I react to those, writing about others, wanting to make it seem as a good story, more focusing to how it would be perceived, rather than writing it out how I see directly and thus not seeing that simplicity is the key here. I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I write something what not simple common sense, then there is the chance that I am not seeing, accessing, walking it directly, but ‘beating around the bush’ and thus I need to take a breath, let everything go and re-align and continue with direction.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I experience, feel in my mind, physically when I start to write without direction, presence, clarity and when I go into reaction mode and not stopping, re-aligning, correcting myself.
- I forgive myself that I have deliberately chosen things to do what were not the priority and thus creating friction within me, what I know will just take more time instead of simply preventing myself to go into reaction, and if I can’t simply direct myself out of it in real physical time, then I write about that specifically, and in this case: that also can be a blog post.
- I forgive myself that I defined writing blog post time-consuming and not realizing it can be also a simple audio or video recording, wherein I also allowed myself to focus to the technical perfection, what indeed can take more time and not realizing that here the content is important, not the quality, as even with my simplest gadget I could record understandable, acceptable podcast, vlog quality.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that the idea of perfection I’ve allowed to get in my way while defining this idea as part of me, what supports me, gives more value and not seeing that this idea is an obsession, what has also origin point, which is wanting to be good, better, meaning what comes naturally from my expression I’ve judged as not good by comparison and believing that I can only produce acceptable, good, quality expression, when I am taking a lot of time.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can allow myself to learn directly, without the mind, when I totally make the leap of faith so to speak from the mind into the direct physical living, then I can make mistakes, I can fall, but I can stand up and learn and expand.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have the ability to change and that is not related to my thinking, my judgements, my worries, but the direct beingness, who is directing within this very moment writing this post, pushing myself into understanding and practical application of change.
- I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can open up new opportunities to share myself in my blog during my day and to see, when I can have several minutes to share myself, especially with the fact that many times I realize something but I do not write it down, sharing it, so it’s gone, instead of I could make notes, I could make audio logs, video logs and at the end of the day simply gather them and share.
- When and as I use the phrase, that ‘I still have time’ – I exactly know that I try to slip away the responsibility I committed to take and whatever comes up in the context next, is excuse and justification, what with I accumulate future friction, what is unnecessary, and also time-consuming, so to prevent double-time wasting, I immediately stop when I would see that I should, I want to write my blog but I am in the decision not to and there to see that I have a choice.
- When and as I would worry about not having enough time, I stop and I breathe and I realize it’s happened, because I’ve went into the mind to perceive time, where it’s bigger than me, I am reacting to it, I worry about it, instead of remaining here, present, directive, wherein time is just a reference, reflection point of how much I have walked already to see within self-honesty, how effective I am in relation to expanding my potentials.
- When and as I would see the excuse of I still have time coming up, I stop and I see what is my physical, body, present experience, is there any specific worry, fear, judgement, reaction, what are the thoughts to see exactly what I contain, represent, am responsible to be aware of and stop.
- When and as I see that I rely on the perception of how much time left, I still have until the end of the month, which is the final reflection of how many posts I’ve wrote, wherein it’s not the quantity what matters, but yet, the accumulation is also relevant, then I stop and realize that I am capable of sharing many things, and there is no limit of how much I could share from my past realizations, when considering of shall I write or not, thus I immediately act writing/recording and to see what comes.
- When and as I would go into judging myself as not good enough quality of blog writing, I stop and I see, when I am not present, where I went and why, what are the trigger points I’ve went into reaction while I continued writing, to prevent myself not to go there next time.
- When and as I see that I am in reactions in relation to blogging, sharing, I see/realize/understand that I can also use that as an opportunity to walk through it with writing/recording in real time, and that is also a great process blog share material.
- I commit myself to share at least eight posts in a month and if there is any resistance, reaction to this commitment and actual doing, then the post will consist of walking through that reaction/resistance/difficulty.
- I commit myself to be aware of when I am writing without direction/principle/presence and prevent myself going into and simply re-aligning myself within self-honesty and if required, to apply the tools of further writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements.
- I commit myself to stop define myself of the technical quality of my process sharing and prevent myself going into judgements, projections and actual decisions not to do/continue/share based on any judgements.
- I commit myself to actually enjoy writing/sharing while being here and to realize that I can discipline, direct and share myself with enjoyment as well, whenever I decide so and whenever I would see to become too serious, too rigid, that there is the opportunity to stop and see what are the thoughts I do not take responsibility for to stop.
- I commit myself to stop thinking and judging myself and make the leap of faith, what means literally get into the next moment without a single thought, worry, projection or judgement and find out who I am within the moment, within self-honesty, within the physical direct living.