Day 239 – Explaining my process

IMG_5221I’ve been requested to explain what I actually do with this Journey to Life process and in overall of desteni principles, tools, supports.
It’s an interesting opportunity, especially, because these people can be referred as my friends, who know me since a while, even before I started to share my process here. Also, I might gather all of these writings one day into a book, so I allow myself to explain things a bit less concise than I usually write here.
In the beginning, when I realized the need and the common sense for walking my Journey to Life(link: interview with Bernard Poolman) process for years, I did what seemed to be straightforward: sent an email to most of my friends about I have realized that most of my life and the relationships I’ve formed was quite superficial and in fact fake, so I just wanted them to know that I am starting a re-aligning process wherein I will not accept anything less than absolute self-honesty and I will not participate within any compromising delusion anymore.
I explained this also in relation to the movie Matrix, similarly when someone is waking up in the system and seeing that this is not actually living, just surviving and there can be so much more. Years ago I used to take extreme amount of psychedelic drugs and I visited many meditation sessions, groups, camps, gurus and this seemed like out of the blue, especially, because when I stated that all of my life and personality was not really real, I included the Spiritual/Psychonaut/Buddhist-based activities as well. This probably sounded like their life and experiences I also believed to be not so real as well. In a way I was a bit worried, because I remembered that I did act similarly before, when I took my first acid trips and I discovered the spiritual, white light, enlightenment agendas, so I felt a bit like I was “shouting wolf” before, such as every time I say ‘Hey, I realized, thus you should as well: All was a lie, but this is the truth!’, and here I was, not just convinced, but for the first time in my life my insights and my conscious mind and all of my being was aligned about this is the only authentic way with I undoubtedly continue. I did not continue with my regular social life, at least not for a while, which was also because I stopped smoking weed and most of the friends still smoked and this lack of connection naturally distanced most of them, but in that time I did not know what will happen, I just wanted to give myself space and time to study the material and apply myself.

Within my communication I was raw and extreme: exactly how I tried to control myself in that time, but I was certain: my realization about the basic principle of Equality and Oneness is clear, which is consistent since that day, so I did not worry too much, I decided to get as detached as I could from everything I defined as who I was.

Before this, all the while I was doing these psychedelic and spiritual things, my mother was also interested in what I invest myself into, so she read many books I took to her house into my room, but for her all these spiritual, buddhist things were like this: “Well, son, you just sit there and waiting for the fried pigeon to fly into your mouth, it will not come, you have to do something”. After all, years later I understood what she meant by that and it’s kind of ridiculous how long I was able to ignore her simplest yet most direct common sense.

So I did not meet with a lot of people for a while – this was not necessary and in fact many seemed more worried than interested about what I really mean or do or want, because it seemed like I joined a weird, closed sect, who use their own weird vocabulary and they appear very determined and disregard all society, which I rather correct it with the phrases ‘brutal self-honesty’ and ‘absolute commitment’.

There were points what people got noticed at first, such as no alcohol, which was not a rule, but I did not drink alcohol even before about a year of I started to write my blog, but when I stopped the white lies, like ‘Thanks, I do not drink today’, but rather I said ‘I do not drink alcohol, not even a sip’, which is quite rare, people noticed it and started to ask questions, even some believed that I am an alcoholic, and I kept explaining myself that alcohol supports the mind and abuses the body, but pretty soon I learned the skill to say no gently but firmly. It was no difficult, I had no temptation, it was a decision, just like later I did with psychedelic drugs, weed. I actually enjoy being sober all the time and it’s also supports to deal with the energetic mind and in overall for more stability and consistency, self-trust and self-direction. Many times this was difficult to explain, but once it was obvious this is not an option to be influenced, people accepted it and some even expressed their respect and ‘secret desire’ to do the same, just they could not.

I realized that I was not always able to express or explain myself as I wanted, because it was like a tiny leaflet coming out from the ground, which had to grow first to emerge, so year by year I kept walking the process and one by one I directed myself to discover, face, understand and stop my obvious limitations: addiction, paranoia, worries, fears, phobia – what maybe did not seem as serious from outside, but I was sure that with these ‘occupations’ I was limiting myself extensively. So I focused on the things what always bothered me, literally the things I’ve pre-defined that I could not forgive to myself about, so I applied Self-forgiveness to events such as when I’ve hit my dog when I was angry kid, when I did hurt my girlfriend when I was frustrated years ago.

In those moments, when I did what I did, I was immediately certain that this was very uncool, directly bad, something to regret, but it was done already, so these actions and memories kept haunting me from time to time. So I wrote about these, how and why I allowed it to happen and I have realized that shame is an interesting thing:

I was ashamed, because of what I did, who I was, and with writing Self-forgiveness, I’ve realized that I’ve defined myself as what I did, like “This is what I did, now I have to live my life like this, there is no change, this is who I am” – that is why the shame kept returning, but as I was applying the Self-forgiveness, I realized that I can give a change to myself, I really did regret what I did, I understood why I did, understood the situation and understood the consequence, so next time, when this would occur, I choose not to do so, therefore I CHANGE. So then the shame is fading, because I learned the lesson, I trust myself that I will definitely not do it again. Still, I will have to stand within similar situations and actually LIVE this specific Change, to ‘rewrite who I am’ and once I commit myself to change, there is no turning back, I will do what is necessary to stop myself, otherwise I will be frustrated and then more dedicated to change.

In fact, shame is self-manipulation, because I rather spend time and effort with the shame experience-energetic reaction instead of practical change to ensure not doing it again.

That was crucial, because shame is of self-judgement, which is not practical. The less I judge, compare and shame myself on what I did, the more I can focus to what’s actually here and what I want to do. So I started to let go these inner ‘scars’ one by one. And I did not have to ‘hunt’ these, because in fact with daily living things these keep coming up, I just have to observe what’s happening in my mind and then to catch, investigate inner conflict and self-dishonesty to commit myself to change.

After a while it was obvious that in fact my beingness of who I am as Tala is not disappearing, in fact I am grasping stability and accumulating consistency, so I started to socialize again without the worry of can’t explain myself, because what I have already walked through is here with me, it was not just experience, but with understanding and self-direction. So I started to meet people and even visiting parties also(I enjoy dancing for instance) and talked with people who I used to see. I had a little worry about what if people would judge me, but in overall it went quite well, even at workplace, wherein I was also a bit concerned first about what they would say if they would realize that I write and share self-forgiveness on the inner, dark lies, secrets of my problems, challenges. But I saw a courage within it as other individuals in the group shared their process as well and also, because what I share is in fact true, I am honoring myself and all others with sharing my process of walking through acceptances and allowances I am realizing as not who I really am, this is what I am changing, this is how I am changing. Also I take full responsibility on points I write Self-forgiveness and Self-commitment about to literally LIVE like that, so anyone would catch or expose me on any of this as I am not ‘keeping my words’, then in fact that is an external support to reflect back, because I do really want to change these points within me and once I really change, then there is nothing to be ashamed of, because this is not who I am and this is the way how anyone can change. That is a dare what can give courage and in fact support for others as well.

First I did not want to spend my time by explaining, but not many asked about this and in fact even if I would have been religious, which is not the case, at workplace it does not matter who is buddhist, christian and I already was aware of that this process is really effective, so I trust myself unconditionally. I also had to realize that if I only talk about points I have walked through, it’s natural self-expression with authenticity what needs no further proof and that also supported with self-trust.

In relation to the mind consciousness I was lucky, because I had already quite amount of references, experiences, even some skills about how to look at the mind, how to disregard it, how to switch states, how to direct myself to feel the physical, but these were limited, conditional and very compromising, thus I could not rely to those methods, such as meditation and psychedelics. Obviously, these were not the problem, but myself – yet not saying these are the solution, because neither of that – as the problem is the source, me; the solution I must be too.

To take mind-altering substances what changes or ‘lubricates’ the mind so to speak can be revealing but the fact is that until I am not aware of how the mind actually works and how and why I participate within it, those experiences should not be trusted, especially because the whole personality of who I am today is full of convictions of what is good and what is bad, what is possible, what is not, thus first those should be investigated and purified. For the reasons I took psychedelics, I do not need anymore, because I am capable of opening myself and the particular challenge within myself up and explore, understand in order to be able to take direction to change. Self-intimacy is also a skill, an ability, what can be learned and extremely supports with stopping inner conflict, friction and resistances. This is the best for the process, because what I resist persists and if I keep using substances to bridge through these resistances, I can become dependent and thus conditional instead of accumulating unconditional self-trust and self-direction. So, if you are stuck, you may apply some ‘bridges’ once in a while, but know that you will face the exact same situation to choose transcend this resistance/limitation or not. And the mind is full of these layers and accepting and allowing one particular resistance/limitation can really block deeper and further understanding what is necessary for the absolute specificity of practical knowledge of who I am to be aware of.

Many times I experienced myself within as a black wall, what I have to break through, because I was attracted to those ‘mystical experiences’ – there was too much myst in my mind what fogged my ability to see through, see the patterns, the systems directly within myself. The more I wanted to break through, the more it resisted until I realized that it is, because there is inner separation and friction, conflict, what first must be understood and stopped participating within. At Desteni forum I was suggested to be gentle, patient and consistent with the Process, instead of impulsive and hard. This was greatly difficult at first, because all I knew was to fight, but I had to realize that real love only can start with self, because all the anger, spite, tiredness was of self-hate somewhere deep down within, which I had to dig up with understanding and the ability to word my experiences, thus demystify the “deus ex machina”.

Previously I justified my lack of understanding with ‘the undefined’, as something superior to trust, but many times I realized, this was a justification to not become aware of a pattern within myself what is limiting me, because I was resisting to word it, because from there I would have to face and work on it to stop, because I could not lie to myself anymore about ‘I have no power over that’. Thus, I suggest to develop the ability to word experiences, feelings, emotions and whatever is undefined yet I am not fully understanding, there is a resistance what must be uncovered.

IMG_5022The desteni material, when I started to study it in 2007 was already vast: many concise articles and hundreds of video interviews – which, as I heard yesterday, was very uncomfortable to go through for some, because it started with a vocabulary, and after grasping that, one could explore the concepts, the process and the actual dynamics, structure and deeper understanding of the human mind consciousness. However throughout the years it became less abstract, more practical and much broader in terms of embracing many areas and aspects of human life for many kind of people within many situations by reading/hearing to understand more to get to the point of being able to apply the self-support within practical application.

For me the basic principle was immediately a hit, like a lighting: Equality and Oneness – I am always one and equal with and as I am within, thus whatever I do, feel, experience within or without is in fact what I am accepting and allowing. If I am angry, I am the responsible, not the person who triggers it, if there is something abusive happening around me and I accept it, I am also responsible for that too and if I feel I can’t participate within the solution, then I am part of the problem, so solution starts with Self. What I noted also is the term of ‘Unification of Man’, wherein if I look from the starting point of ‘I am already a Unified Man’, then it’s more clear and obvious of what I must let go and remove from my inner core of being and this is practical in any given situation, because I can reflect back what is still I am accepting and allowing to not be unified, but to live within fractions of my mind in separation, ignorance and lack of self-direction. Since then, my confusion and doubt is gone, because it’s always here what to do and if I am not seeing it clearly, it’s because I am not here, so then where am I? How and why I am not here? And by investigating that, I can realize that the process to HERE, into and as the physical presence is the same process in reverse how I got lost in the mind consciousness. Decomposing the word-relationships in the mind and to stop the automatic energetic reactions by purifying the words I think, I speak and I act by unifying and literally unifying all aspect of who I decide myself to be as LIFE as the LIVING WORDS.

The most incredible thing about this is that there is nothing mystical in this, it’s simple common sense with the most simple mathematical equation in existence: 1+1 = 2. To accumulate the process and the self-honest living application unconditionally.

Many others, who walk this process themselves have committed to share their process, insights, realizations and practical understanding, which can be supportive as well and they can even provide direct support with points they have already walked through, such as fear, addiction, doubt etc.

Many have experienced great fall and hitting rock bottom which made them wonder about why they had to lose everything and what is really going on, which can push oneself to question everything. Those, who are comfortable in their life might not question what they experience, regardless of what are the consequences of their actions, their ignorance.

It’s especially challenging for those who already have gained, gathered, accumulated knowledge and information, because to a certain degree they have became that knowledge, with which conclusion by conclusion they’ve accepted as facts, as who they perceive themselves and the world to be. So it’s not enough to state – “everything you thought, believed, perceived is a lie”, but one has to specifically explore how and why is a lie with personal direct reference and relevance. Especially challenging, when someone’s salary is at stake when the information one is applying as ‘living’ and to question everything can mean to give up everything and to give up a comfortable life in the system might not seem as common sense, but it’s to realize whether someone is living a limited life or really wanting to find out what can be one’s utmost potential and to realize that whatever I can let go from who I am was never who I really am. Also to realize that to declare “everything is a lie” and to refuse participate within the world system is not suggested(especially, because the physical consequences here are in fact real), because that is not practical – we all must require physical support what costs, thus it’s always common sense and to consider what is best not only for myself but others as well and beyond individual process, there are other selves who we can take responsibility for as ourselves as equals, but then it’s already about walking the process in the world system of what must be done in order to make the world to be a better place for all – however it’s also common sense to apply first things first – to start the change with what is always here: self.

The world system operates in the survival mode within most of the beings, which pushes to adapt and change towards the least difficulty or suffering from individual perspective, which does not supports awareness automatically. I recommend to read these blogs, listen these podcasts, watch these videos wherein people share their realizations and insights because all human has the same mind with the same points, just the memories, the words, the patterns are different.

Many approach this process by a realization first that they have some issue/problem/limitation/fear what they want to solve/transcend/let go and many times these ‘symptoms’ are just consequences of a (or some) deeper self-dishonesty, maybe from childhood, early experiences, traumas, life experiences, what also has to be opened up and be able to word, understand, stop and starting to direct. This certainly takes time, effort, which is in contradiction with the perception that “if something is good, effective, or better, more practical, then it should give results sooner, faster”. Which sometimes does not work like that.
An energetic addiction to smoking weed can be related to shame or even addiction to porn and masturbation and to relate to some fear what is being triggered by some problems one is facing at workplace what reminds the person to the child-parent relationship and this process is not ‘magic’ – it only works by specific understanding and real awareness. There is no shortcut and the only catalyst is the amount of time and effort one invests and the ability to be self-honest to be as direct and practical as possible.

I had to realize that as it seemed first that with the energies I acclaimed by repeating mantras or taking acid, in fact I did not actually move me faster or deeper, so after all, from a certain point in my life I had to realize that even the things I experienced, accumulated through drug and/or spiritual-induced moments are also not of my absolute self-honest beingness, self-expression, what I cannot trust, thus those are also required to be purified, let go and transcended with the process of Self-honesty.

The process itself, as we refer it, is very simple, and it’s a process, because one must walk the physical timeline, meaning moment by moment, breath by breath being here in the physical and open up and study what is here, meaning how I behave, why I feel what I feel, what are the sources of the thoughts and the emotional reactions I experience and within those moments to direct myself to stop participating without fighting; embracing myself to de-program my mind first and start living without those patterns by realizing: here and there are where I lied to myself, I did a compromise, I had excuse and justification about a specific self-limitation I accepted and allowed thus became responsible for.

I write down what is in my mind: that’s slows me down, I see the words, I do not judge myself, I allow to see what I have within, what I feel, what I’d do, what I would not do. There will be resistances, mental, even physical when writing about points but it’s also a skill what can be ‘mastered’ so to speak.
Many wrote diary for years and when I explain this, they state that they did this for many time and refer to this like by saying “I’ve done that already, I do not need to, I do not see the point, I have no time, that does not seem to support me.”

Well, first of all, the starting point of writing is Self – about self, not about the neighbor, the girlfriend, the boss, but myself.
Also the starting point is self-honesty – no lies – and no stopping until something is absolutely clear, meaning I fully understand.

For instance I had fear from cars, because once I bumped onto one, someone did not look, so I was barely smashed so I got afraid of almost being killed.
Also I judged cars as dangerous, stinky, polluting, noisy and expensive.
Furthermore I was constantly daydreaming, thinking, fantasizing, it did not seem to be important to be present and disciplined consistently, so I defined that I am not capable of focusing here all the time to be able to drive while preventing accidents.
I defined myself like that, I defined the cars like that, so in overall I refused the whole driving dimension, I did not have license, I never even considered to have and after some years, many times this was limiting me seriously. As I was facing these consequences(not being able to move effectively in the system, waiting a lot for mass transit, being dependent on others, carrying lot of stuff) I started to question my judgements, conclusions about this and I got this as a challenge.
I was writing about it, my experiences, my judgements, my thoughts, the specific memories from where I had these feelings emotions and at some points I found: fear to be a reason for doing or not doing something.
The interesting part was that even that specific fear was well surrounded with reasons and by writing down, opening up, looking into those as well, all has proven to be justification and excuse. The very zone I’ve defined myself to be as comfortable was my own self-created cage, which I decided myself to get out from.

Then the process of un-learning started while I went to practice driving and it was extremely challenging, but then I already applied the tools to support myself. I even experienced a sort of phobia, I kept imagining how I would have accident by my great fear: hitting a pedestrian, so I supported myself with Eqafe Fears and Phobias audio interviews, which is also part of the Desteni tools. I am not yet a ‘professional driver’, however since months I go to work through the center of the capital with my own car from another city, which some years ago seemed to be impossibly far, yet here I am, and only I know how much change this required and actually directed myself to apply.
Also, a very prominent point is forgetfulness, because many times I was so busy with my thoughts, feelings, emotions, energetic experiences, desires, worries, fears that I forgot things, what I wanted to do, what I should have done, why I did things etc.
It’s like a complete and consistent distraction is going on in the mind, for instance someone is living in a huge city, there are bombardments of information, it’s a sensory overload and the mind tries to filter out what once concluded as irrelevant, uncomfortable, not good and then tries to react to what feels good in the moment.

Who I am and why I am like this – I had to acknowledge that I have forgotten why I allowed myself to exist within fear – this was tricky, because I have even defined myself for many years as ‘I do not fear from anything/anyone’ – and at times when I felt that this self-definition was challenged from inside or outside, I did things to prove that I do not fear. But still I have forgotten why do I even fear.
So when I was introduced to self-forgiveness, it immediately made sense, because what I forGOT (away), I forGIVE (back) – my direction, my awareness, my honesty, my clarity, my trust, myself.

So it starts with admitting that I am not having the direction, the clarity, the awareness, the honesty I could have – it’s here, absolute, unquestionable, consistent, or it is of conditions, compromises. So then those conditions can be explored, as in fact I accept and allow them as myself in each moment.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear without acknowledging it, without understanding it, without remembering it’s creation, without being aware of what I fear to lose and instead of trying to overcome, prevent, solve this, being busy occupied, distracted with the thoughts, emotions, reactions, energies in my mind coming up by that fear, in that specific situation in relation to that specific person for instance.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am automatically attracted to things what makes me react with positive thoughts, feelings and being resisted to what I react with negative thoughts, emotions without stopping and questioning, without being aware of exactly why and what are the physical consequences for such reactions.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mentally get tired from facing and doing things I am uncomfortable with and accumulating resistance and the need for friction, judgement to a point of feeling to stop and do something what make me feels good, comfortable.

That is bringing awareness, because I move through the layers and as I write down, I am slowing down, physically writing or typing the letters, words, sentences – I see and I can understand the relationships between these words, I can cross-reference the emotional energetic experiences coming up based on those word-relationships.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allowed myself to be afraid of making mistakes by driving car and causing irreversible consequences and not realizing that I can learn more and I can change, and I can prepare.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from not being able to let go the daydreaming, the constant thinking, imagination and disregarding what is here, thus defining myself as not being capable of driving instead of understanding how these daydreaming are actually happening with my permission and how to stop it and actually stop it.

So then I realize, I defined myself according to these daydreamings, I forgive that also and within that I realize that was also, because I was poor kid and I could not have what I wanted, so I imagined being rich, powerful but meanwhile I did not learn how to deal with money to have enough to afford a car – so I can open up that too…

  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to I blame my parents for being poor and not realize that I can take responsibility for myself, even if they were very influential to me when I was kid, now I can decide what I want to do and how to become more effective.

And then I can open up any excuse, why I would believe I can’t.
Basically any self-definition can and should be questioned and cross-referenced.
So I continue to forgive what I did not see-realize-understand before – and knowledge is power, but in fact completely useless if not applied in practical living.
This is a process and it’s just the part of understanding.

Once I am able to recognize the pattern which I would follow automatically based on how I defined/accepted myself to be previously, that I’ve already seen through that it is not the best potential, I see/realize/understand: it is self-dishonest, it is not supporting me and others equally, so then there can be place to change.

This practical knowledge can bring myself here if I apply it, because as the pattern emerges in a future moment, I realize: “I wrote about it, I see that I apply self-forgiveness, which means I want to change this, stop this – so then a choice can emerge – I keep doing it or I stop participating.” It might feel I am compelled to still doing so but that means I still did not understood it fully, so I see what else is happening in myself automatically, which I can not see before doing it – basically I map out my mind, the patterns where these habits takes me. This can be applied to a point wherein I am obviously self-dishonest, such as being spiteful or giving into an addiction, which can be in various form, not just desire, get drunk but even self-pity or blame.IMG_3925

It’s to realize: it’s not about fighting myself – fight means conflict between sides, self-separation based on polarity judgement what then I have to be aware of to prevent myself going into.

This is pretty much about being here and breathing, applying physically – self-expression – which can be simply sitting also as self-direction with presence or can be during various actions, it does not matter – what matters is who I am in the moment.

So Self-forgiveness is to understand the mind’s already programmed code and to loosen up and give awareness in between those codes with the decision to change what is not the best it can be within self. Always self.

I can forgive my neighbor about what he have done but that does not change him not doing it again. That’s why religion-based begging for forgiveness is also a self-deception, because I ask someone/something to forgive me, instead of I GIVE the obvious, necessary change FOR myself and all around me – that is self-empowerment, self-trust, self-direction, while when I depend on something external(or even if I would refer to it as a god-entity in my mind as internal: still of separation based on mental process), I allow hope, which is actually the opposite of self-trust, especially with the fact that I can take direction and take responsibility to correct myself without anything else actually, because I am aware of the specificity of the self-dishonesty I have accepted and allowed.

Self-correction starts when I realize how I could change a pattern within self-honesty to remain self-honest.

I define what I will do or what I will not do during a condition based on a decision with understanding.

Self-commitment supports within making the decision – ‘I commit myself to change this point within myself’ – it’s responsibility and great self-reflection, because if I commit myself to stop or to start do something and if I will not do so, then my word of commitment means nothing – thus reflecting back that regardless of that I’ve decided to do so, I still did not do so. This can mean that I am not yet aware of all the factors in the situation – meaning myself or the condition I am within or I did not practically applied the necessary actions to support the actual physical change, thus I will know where I am within my commitment, responsibility.

These can be also seen as a screenplay for a film production – it is not to be taken literally, but in overall it’s the essence of the film and supports with it’s preparation and thus the crew and cast can be prepared when the moment comes.

If we look at it, all system establishment in the world utilizes written word – law, media, business, politics, literature – because it’s substantiating and clarifying, structuring, specifying, thus writing is key.

Sounding the words also supports within self-reflection and self-expression – as I say the specific words of Self-forgiveness I can hear how stable and certain my voice is and is there any wavering, reaction coming up? Any doubt I can reveal and then to see where it’s coming from and why to re-align myself and clarify my direction.

This post has already became quite long, so this is in a ‘nutshell’ what I do and really supports me extensively to learn and unlearn with consideration and responsibility.

Beyond that there are more courses what can support with more specific and structured application of walking through the self-dishonest, not supportive patterns, such as Agreement Course, about I’ve wrote already; or the Desteni I Process Pro course, what I currently walk, which is also extremely supportive to recognize the basic components of the mind within interactions with others to stop self-dishonesty, I also recommend these.

There are places where one can get free support from those who already walk this process to get the specifics and the practical application of Self-forgiveness at the


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