Tonight we had another Desteni Movie Night – The Phantom of the Opera.
It was a cool musical – not just the music, the singing, the acting, but the story as well. This reminded me to an obvious self-judgement point from my past: I mostly visit psychedelic trance music parties – not that I take any substances, I actually enjoy being sober since some years, but the scenery, the music, the dancing I still enjoy sometimes with people I can relate with. So there is this friend couple who say to me that they started to visit musicals and operas and when they invited me, I was like ‘well, hell no, thanks’ – and I saw the potential on that how they could enjoy it, I had this imagination, but I decided that ‘no, me, I am not like that’.
And here I am – as doing the Movie Nights reviews, I am realizing, that I can enjoy even the movies I did not consider before as ‘my type/style’ – because I stop focusing to myself, my reactions, my personality to relate with of what I like/not like, but actually to focus to the story, the art, the music, the message, the people.
First, there was the Les Miserable musical, which was amazing, and specific songs, singing really reached me – the human voice, the sound can carry so many things and also how I can allow to resonate within me and I can move within through that.
I also play around with music, enjoying to twist my synths, playing on the jewsharp, learning rhytms to play and also to compose music videos and one day to compose my own music. Throughout my life there was not much time when I was only focusing to one genre, mostly I enjoyed many kind of music, and it looks like that musical also can be enjoyable by me. By actually going through my judgement, the resistance what tells me to trust in this judgement to not move towards this point, and beyond that, there is actually a whole new world.
I pronounce this today, as there are so many convictions within each of us, and we all have our preferences, but in fact many of these are also learned and can be unlearned. Not just the type of music or the type of body or mannerism of a potential partner, clothes, type of work, but also the very mind-state which through we interact with our very existence and reality.
Even if there is a conviction, which comes from experience, from the past, relating to events, feelings, memories – things can change through time, I can also change, but only if I do not close myself down by consistently saying no to something.
Also within the world system, there are so many forms of governments, social orders, and most of the people can almost automatically judge things as good or bad and once they are convinced, it’s difficult to even to see the other aspects of that choice, or even to be able to understand those who are ‘standing on the other side’.
Left or right wing, communist or nationalist, religious or atheist, monogamy or polygamy, rock music or electronic, blondes or brunettes, black or white lover – these are only convictions.
One more story: I met with a girl at an other psytrance festival and as we talk and open and share(just met the first time), she tells me she is a lesbian and she stars pointing to girls who just walk by the road of the shopping area, who she likes, meaning being judged as ‘attractive woman’.
And then I also ask ‘how about her’ while pointing to an other – and she can say ‘no way’, or ‘yes, that one, sure’ – and then she asks me of what is my type of woman, and I tell her ‘I have no idea’ – and she did not understand what I just said.
Regardless the fact that she was on acid and we agreed that it’s cool to destroy all the boxes in our mind, she just could not grasp, how I can have no idea of what is my type of woman who I can feel to be attracted to. For me that also seemed like a pretty big box in my mind, not that I started to think about it and considered as ‘well this is a box, no’ – I was just seeing women and there were some who I could see I could put into the box, but also I was seeing that this box is kind of bullshit – the point of ‘when I do not trust myself, I turn into this box’ – and I said to her ‘I do not have a type, I rather approach and will see.
But this not just happened instantly, it was a process through I was writing and investigating, forgiving and changing, and then I realized that this is not a bad thing not to have boxes and personal preferences. There are still things I prefer not to do or participate within, but it’s so liberating to not rely on any past definitions, but trust myself in the moment and if I ‘fall’ – I reconsider, I change.
It sounds pretty great, however in the real life sometimes I need to assist and support myself to decompose myself and my mind to the degree of awareness that I am able to slow down within and to stop the patterns of boxing, so then I write – I type, I express the words, I see my mind here, I see the patterns, I understand the source, the fear, why, how, and I am still here – not distracted by the energetic reactions, I still can see those, but I am not lost in the experience, but rather to consider more dimensions.
Because many times my preferences are only of ‘one dimension’ – my affection towards someone, my pattern of music type – and there is a tendency to exclude other dimensions, qualities, facts, which in fact should not be my preference, even if I would only want to consider my wants, desires and of course also when I would want to consider the other – others too equally.
It’s like so easy to go and not liking, hating, neglecting, disregarding, blaming people based on one or two points – while there are many-many aspects of their and my life. And to see what is the priority – and to see what SHOULD BE the real priority, if I would not get stuck with my own one-or two-dimensional preference – that would really support to recognize the potential for a more better world.