- (The blog moves from Blogger to WordPress – only due to technical limitations of Blogger – currently WordPress seems to be less limited – I am not yet sure that I would keep the http://talamon.blogspot.com, until that I share the post at both places)
- I was on holiday with limited net availability, but I was ‘working’ on several points which I realized it is not self-honest within myself. That of one is frustration and annoyance, mostly when about leaning something and reality is different from what I imagined as potential but it also applies when communicating with someone and there is misunderstanding/disagreement. So I was opening up this point recently.
Movement and change – frustration/annoyance
Within the previous posts I was walking through layers of how and why I allowed the tendency to always want to have control over me, my reality and ended up starting to decompose the patterns of my own breathing application, meaning how I allowed to have concepts, definitions, judgements, polarities about how to breath which was not direct self-expression based on self-trust, but of personality definitions to overcome fear, which has it’s limitation while I am being limited, especially during stopping, learning, changing.
During movement and change at my limits there can be a frustration – it’s very specific, I start to see through it, so I am ‘ready’ to walk through and forgive and stop this – because it’s obviously not supporting me.
So I move – I keep moving, I express and I direct and I know that there is a point where is my limit – and I keep trying to do it without actually using common sense, practical understanding, I just keep pushing it, like a bull, with it’s head to the wall, wanting to ‘break through’.
Then I bounce back from the ‘wall’ – my limitation and I immediately stand up and go for it again – then I hit the wall again and then I am still being stopped by that limitation.
Meanwhile I ‘try’ not to define, by the superimposed belief that if ‘I keep myself undefined’ – after a while I will ‘just learn and expand’ and I kind of expect or even a tiny bit: hope that – and I still PUSH.
So after a while, based on my desired/hoped expectation of being able to do it I start to react. And the more I fail, the more I react and then I ‘channel’ this compound energy to fuel the next attempt until a certain point where from it becomes frustration, anger and eventually powerlessness. Why?
Because not only I try to focus and do the thing I want, but now I also experience this energetic movement of frustration, anger, an emotional state, which influences me, kind of demands it’s attention and as I become more and more frustrated and angry, I am less and less able to focus to the thing I try to do actually.
I also noticed that this failure/frustration/anger thing apparently fuels ‘not to give up’ – but as the energy discharges I catch myself not to be motivated to actually keep hitting the brick wall with my head and I give up.
What I do not realize is that I give up based on emotion and completely missing to apply common sense: which would be giving up the reaction/emotion/energy and to practically see what I miss, what needs to be done in order to be able and actually do what I want.
So also a mistake is to generalize, have ‘one rule to all’ – and what I described here actually works sometimes – but not always- with simple physical skills mostly yes, but when it requires a certain TECHNIQUE, obviously not, because I need more than resilience – I need understanding and actual practical knowledge, but by deliberately avoiding that I keep ‘falling’.
What I also see is that vigorously being obsessed with ‘remaining undefined’ meanwhile not realizing the fact that I still accept those self-definitions what I accepted to become as me before this decision of ‘remaining undefined’ and somehow hoping that even those patterns would fade away, even without me becoming aware of those(myself).
Because it is not the words, the definitions are the problem, it is me who I accept myself to exist in relation to those patterns, automatic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions in my mind, body and beingness.
It should not be that surprise that I am in no way being able to really CONTROL my thoughts, feelings, emotions – I happen to have thoughts. What if I do not know what I am going to do, perceive, believe – and I will be influenced by what thoughts I accept to silently talk in my head?
What if I could become aware of when and why I have certain thoughts? Would I still ‘think’ it if I would be aware of that – I don’t explain why the existence and very acceptance of thoughts/feelings/emotions are the indication of ignorance, lack of understanding and quite of a powerlessness.
(See for yourself – if you can have thoughts, like ‘NOOO, thoughts are cool and helps me to be smart/better/etc’ – that is also an indication of the extent of the self-deception)
Those thoughts are kind of preordained, hard-wired – not eternally, but currently, yet we do not need to accept that – also because inner reactions are self-accepted, in a way self-created, thus self can understand and stop them as well.
What I have realized within automatic reactions is that I have to be aware of all aspects to ensure to be really able to direct myself regarding to it – and if I am really aware – I also see that I do not need thought/feeling/emotion, even further I also realize that yet if I still have such reactions – I am not aware enough and I am still not the directive principle here.
There are always multiple dimensions – our mind has been set up with many-many fallback mechanisms, meaning there is always a good excuse to remain reactive, to accept a thought, to justify a good feeling or even ‘protect’ the necessity of an emotion, but there is always a layer behind that and one must commit to stand with principle, because the very fabric of one’s character or personality is existing for to accept these reactions with the self-definition of who one accepts to remain as.
This however does not exclude a purpose, the application of words, meanings, see, this is where I was persuaded with my mind that all I have to do is to disregard my mind to ‘break through’ and let it go and not realizing that I was letting go the utmost specificity within self, which allowed the already pre-programmed personality relationships to remain as who I defined myself to be, in this specific case: the tendency to justify frustration as an energetic fuel to become possessed to ‘get’ what I want without realizing facts, common sense and actual practical skills required to be actually effective.
So then it is always about who I accept myself to be – if I can accept myself as being directed by such consequence – then that is I am responsible for to exist within.
However there is a decision what can be made, to live as the principle to stand up as life from within – where there is no compromise accepted by self – and it’s a process, but one can realize more and more by walking through the layers of the mind to see that the decision, the will, the technique, the words, the understanding is still not enough: it has to be actual physical ability, skill, practical knowledge in real space and time with and as the human flesh.
Update: So by writing all those down, next time I’ve faced similar points of possible frustration, I was already more aware the tendency I can go into the certain reaction, so it already supported me – well, in fact I support myself, that’s the cool point to share within this – is that this is a practical scenario of the Unification of Man – all the fractions of my mind, personality, memory, reactions, programming, the flesh – within this process of unifies here as equal as one as self.
There are still patterns to be specified, opened up and understood in terms of this certain type of frustration, anger, then the obsession going into wanting to get the thing done which I become frustrated about by failing and within that how I omit to use the words constructively and instead I still accept reactions and thus accumulation of energetic reactions, thus separating my beingness from here, where is the only opportunity lies within and as the human physical body to express the realization, the living forgiveness of actual change from energy consciousness to the awareness of the physical substance as life as self here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated about something without being aware of what I accept to participate within and why I do it and thus not realizing how much I compromise my self-trust, self-honesty, self-direction within such reaction instead of assisting and supporting myself to prevent myself going into any emotional reaction and direct myself to see it clearly what I miss to understand in order to become more effective.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the responsibility I always have in regarding to frustration and anger, first of all with what example I show to myself, others, the world about what a human should accept to be exist within and as, second the consequences I manifest by acting out within frustration and anger instead of applying practical common sense.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have built patterns around things I want to do and how I go into my mind with the immediate visualizing of a desire which disregards physical facts, my current state, skills and physical abilities and thus can’t properly apply the best practical way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not realize that ‘letting go’ and ‘disregarding’ past acceptances is not enough, especially if I am not aware of what and why I did what was self-dishonest, because then I will not be aware of when I will actually repeat it without being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined words and meanings of words as complication and distraction from self and I did not realize that I can become equal and one with words if I define, express and live them as myself without any polarity of the mind, without any relationship, energetic experience within consciousness systems.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the conclusion I made with trying to disregard words and meanings of words and relationship between words because I give up purifying myself with past-pre-programmed energetic automatic behavior which I hoped that I can leave behind if I disregard them long enough and not realizing that if I am not specific absolutely within awareness and understanding of how and why I created those word-energy-based relationships within my mind and body to give permission to move and change me automatically, then I am unable to let go and also not realizing that the solution is not letting go but embracing and stopping MYSELF HERE within absolute specificity.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the frustration I accept within myself as impatience, anger and powerlessness and how exactly I concluded myself to automatically react to certain situations instead of always being on point, applying common sense within constant and consistent physical presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within frustration I focus to the self-judgement I accept within myself as I automatically associate the situation with the definition I have based on a polarity in my mind about what is good and bad and defining the situation as bad and then frustration means I admit I have no power, I am unable to direct and I give up applying common sense and that is an anger I accept which then I accumulate until the point of it directing, controlling me meanwhile I completely miss what I do and how I should do it with the best possible application.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the acceptance of frustration and anger within myself is already became a point for being frustrated and angry, because it is already a consequence I accept which I do not stop, therefore judging my frustration and anger as bad instead of applying the required awareness application what is required to empower myself to assist and support myself not participating within anger and frustration any more.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want everything immediately and if not getting it, then defining it not good enough, because who I defined myself to be is in this moment, because I can’t be constant and consistent, because I exactly know that I change by the minute by the emotions/feelings/thoughts so in fact this mini-me who wants it immediately will not be around much, so that’s why I need everything now, regardless of consequence and within this not realizing that this is not really who I am, but a mind-possession.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the specific points of my participation within my thoughts/feelings/emotions what energetically accumulate into self-acceptance of mind-possessions, which by also manifesting a frustration/self-anger self-judgement energetic possession/experience.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop accumulating layers of frustration-anger-powerlessness to overwhelm me by being present, recognizing the judgements I have the tendency to participate within and to stick to the physical, breathe, be here and understanding what is the correction for that particular pattern, such as the origin of the judgement, the specific fear to know as who I accepted myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in moments of anger and frustration that I allow fear to overwhelm me to the point of losing presence, common sense, practicality and the physical reality, the only ‘place’, where the solutions can be applied and not allowing my mind to overwhelm, take over me in order to just act in order to remain as powerless as possible by not admitting that I fear to face the original fear as fear of change, fear of loss, which is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing within action and going into frustration and anger because of fear of not having enough time and fear of making mistakes, because I defined myself as mistake maker which I wanted to compensate with judgements, definitions, instead of change myself to not need to have judgements, definitions, rules.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the self-deception within frustration and anger in the moment of physical experience of anxiety, losing presence, speeding up in my mind to realize the fear, the fear of change, the judgements I participate within to be able to assist and support myself within real time to stop and prevent myself acting based on this fear without understanding what it is actually I do, which is self-interest, because in the moment of fear, I only consider myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to establish an intimate relationship with my human physical body to the extent of being able to recognize the first signs of anger/frustration/anxiety in order to become aware of the self-deception I am pushing myself into, which will result only further anger/frustration/anxiety by in fact seeing what I do, how it is not supporting me, yet I still do it.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the first signs of the anger/frustration/anxiety are the shallow breaths, the loss of whole body awareness and only feeling my hands, my head, my chest, not feeling the heartbeat, the sounds of my breath, my body, the air going through my nostrils, the weight I have to the ground or the surface I am sitting/laying, my surroundings, so in short, a physical body awareness with constant, consistent cycle of breathing presence and this is a point of vulnerability of going into a mind-reaction-experience while disregarding what is here, disregarding common sense and consideration of more than myself only, therefore I stop and I re-align here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe/define/imagine/hope/feel/experience that the anger/frustration/anxiety would give me energy to overcome obstacles, difficulties by pushing me through where I would get tired or giving up and not realizing that this energy can not be trusted, because if I rely onto it, I make my movement conditional, limited, and this is not self-direction, but self-acceptance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in any way justify why anger/frustration/anxiety can be accepted within myself in order to not needing to step back to see what I accept as self-judgement/fear, to not need to slow down within and re-align with what is here, as physical reality, consequences and facts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a sense of movement, speed, velocity, energy, force, when I speed up in my mind, meaning accepting inner reactions and one after another, reacting more, boosting up such as becoming more and more angry/frustrated/anxious and to define this as healthy/worthy/justifiable, while in fact not realizing that I am not really present, only existing as an accepted consequence, a pre-programmed experience, limited, conditional, predictable and once the energy is gone, I will stop moving, experiencing this sense of power and in fact it was never real.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is always a way to become more effective with presence, awareness, discipline, technique than going into emotional reaction, and if I do not know such way at the moment of the temptation of energetic reaction of anger/frustration/anxiety, it does not mean I can’t find out, learn, explore, realize, apply, step by step, one breath at a time.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can learn more effectively if I can skip going into emotional reactions, trusting myself and allowing my human physical body to learn naturally, to support my natural learning ability by stopping the reactions/judgements first and apply presence/writing/technique.
I forgive myself that I judge myself as not good enough, not talented, too rugged, too old, too slow, too educated etc if I see someone being effective or outstanding within doing something and if I try to do it and at first does not work/happen, and not realizing that the other might learned it for long time or uses a technique what I did not allow myself to understand, learn and actually my body to be able to do it, so any judgement of why I can’t do it is based on a fear which is unreal, but if I keep relying on that comparison/association, I actually focus to my own reaction instead of actually being able to understand/learn the thing I react to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the self-created, self-accepted relationships I exist within my mind in relation to frustration and impatience and not realizing that it is giving into the fear which I do not admit, understand or want to be aware of deliberately which is imperative for the solution I experience failing to achieve.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear which clouding my mind and manifesting impatience, frustration, anger and thus not being aware of the exact, specific details I fear from thus I have no power over my already accepted, automatized mind-body reaction as thoughts/feelings/emotions to balance out/overwhelm or hide my permission to give up on myself by giving into the fear.
I forgive myself that I have not realized where is tendency within my personality to become impatient, frustrated, angry about and thus assist and support myself to bring myself back here, stop the habit of losing myself and to see exactly when and how I give my power away, which is presence and directive power here physically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I allowed myself to become impatient, frustrated and angry when I try to explain something to someone and the person does not hear what I say, literally, or not understanding me or even when the person does not agree with me and with that impatience/frustration/anger I try to emphasize my expression in order to become more effective while not realizing that I am actually becoming emotional, not communicating effectively by considering not only me, my want for the other to understand, but the other as well and change my expression accordingly by giving into an energetic trigger within me into fear and become frustrated/anxious/angry/impatient.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/discover/become able to learn how to apply directive principle within consistency while communicating with other/others, meaning not lose my head when I experience difficulty within explaining something which the other/others do not get/understand/hear or does not agree with.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware what I fear from essentially when I accept and allow to become frustrated/impatient/angry while not being able to communicate the way I wanted or facing disagreement from others and never realized the opportunity in those moments to not focus to my reactions but to the origin/source point of my reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining alone, rejected, disregarded and excluded if I am not able to make others understand, hear what I say, think, feel, because then there is no external point for what I represent, thus I am defenseless from doubt and not realizing that this is an attitude from my past, when I was uncertain, doubtful about who I am and what is relevant to stand for but today I am clear on that so any reaction to doubt is in fact something I have not yet opened up within me and became automatically accepted as who I perceive and behave myself ‘to be’.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I go into argument with anyone, it is a fight for my limitation, which is self-dishonest, because I give into the fear, doubt, the energetic reactions of frustration/anger/anxiety/impatience.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am not clear within, without emotions, without full, physical, beingness presence, I am influenced by my mind, which is a mirror for what I accept myself to be as reactions to self-accepted, self-programmed self-dishonesty, so thus the solution is to understand the scenario, myself and apply stopping, changing, literally forgiving myself by not participating in this pattern in the moment, in the next moment, and from now on in any moment until it comes up.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I communicate with somebody/people and they tell me I am wrong it is alright and also can support me who I am as realizing I am not what I know or think, and also it can be support to question my perception, my way and also it might give a perspective, angle what I did not see before, so it is not I am wrong, it is just what I perceived was not correct, but there is nothing wrong with me if I remain here, open, self-honest and present, so realizing no need to go frustration/anger/anxiety/impatience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into disagreement and communication conflict with others because what if I am being totally rejected and perceived, judged as wrong thus I would need to question the points I state, live by which might lead to the realization that all I perceived, stated, lived by was wrong, thus who I am is wrong, which I defined as fearful and not realizing that this is also a point of self-support as all I realize was not correct I can let go and I stop participate within and I give myself the gift of change, but with common sense, self-direction, presence.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined myself and my personality as the job for protecting myself, my ideas, my dreams, my perceptions, my values all the time because if I would not do so, I would be challenged, shaken, shattered, as personality, and then I would not know who I am or what I suppose to do which I defined as fearful, being lost, which I associated with a physical uncomfortable experience, which I defined as important to avoid.
I forgive myself that within the constant worry and fear that I would be wrong or my values/definitions could be wrong, I became the constant defender of my own interest without realizing that actually my values/definitions/judgements/personality can be of delusion without I realize it, as I could not see the forest from the trees literally, meaning that experiencing a fear of being wrong while not realizing that I am in fact wrong about what I perceive as true and not realizing that I could let go the value/definition/judgement/personality which is wrong and so then I would not fear as well and there would be nothing to protect within fear.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that all I fear losing, needing to protect, justify and argue for is self-interest/definitions which I have as excuses to tell me and others that this is who I am and that is why I do not fear, because I know, meanwhile even myself I know that I do all of this because I fear, I fear of loss, fear of change, fear of unknown.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I accept and allow the fear of unknown because I defined unknown that I could not have rule/definition/value for it, I could not know how to react to/act with, which then would mean I would have to change, which I also do not know, therefore I would not know or be able to define who I am which then would take me to the original point of fear of who I am, which is because I do not know who I am, which is because I never really realized.
When and as I realize that I am experiencing anger/frustration, I immediately understand that I have automatically judged the situation based on a programming I am not aware of, wherein I reacted with fear, getting emotional to the fact that I am not directing, therefore I re-align myself within and as my human physical body – here, breathing, feeling the weight, the presence and give myself a moment to remain here and see, why I become frustrated, instead of understand what is it I resist to CHANGE in order to become more effective within direction.
When and as I experience anger/frustration/anxiety, I let go the energy, I stop participate within it, I breathe through and I look with common sense what it is what requires to understand what I can do instead of go into reaction/emotion and then focus to that, so instead of the reaction, I re-align with what I do not understand, what technique I can apply to become more effective.
When and as I go into frustration/anxiety, anger, I realize I admitted that I am powerless and I am angry at myself, even when I feel like I blame/judge something outside of me, I see that only me I can blame in fact, so I stop this blame, I take responsibility and I see what I actually can do what helps within the situation without needing energy separated from me.
When and as I see the point of not being aware of my physical presence, when my breath becomes shallow, I do not feel the body, my surroundings, the physical ‘input’ HERE – I re-align and I let go what is going in my mind and I answer that what it is I do not trust myself directly here and using reactions and judgements in the mind to influence/direct me to become more effective and not realizing that it is not directly here as myself, so I realize what is the original judgement based on fear that I made the decision to automatize myself to use reaction/emotion/energy within this specific situation and I apply self-forgiveness in the moment as I change myself directly.
When and as I see that I am becoming angry/frustrated/anxious, I realize I am going into self-sabotage and in fact self-hate which is the opposite of actual solution, so I shift myself out of it and I directly see what can be actually applied to the direct solution, such as look it broadly, check the details, see: do I have the required knowledge, understanding, technique, equipment etc for the thing I do to be done and act accordingly.
When and as I become frustrated because I repeatedly ‘fail’ doing something, I check, do I really do everything I can for the solution, or is there anything else I can try to become more effective?
When and as I am becoming frustrated, I check, am I clear of energy, reaction, previously accumulated emotions/feelings/thoughts in my mind which influences me, takes my attention away, and if yes, I stop those, I breathe and I re-align to be here, empty yet open within and then I see what I can do for being more effective.
When and as I see that I am unable to communicate/tell/explain/make understand something to somebody, I remain here, present, I realize that going into reaction/emotion/frustration/impatience/anger would make me focus to my reaction and I would lose clarity, presence, the point I decided to communicate about, so I focus to what is here, how I communicate, how the other is and I apply common sense.
When and as I see that I am losing presence, becoming impatient, frustrated about the fact that somebody does not understand what I say or does not agree with me, even with the efforts I make to happen so, I remain here, present, I realize that I do not need to become emotional, going into fear, doubt if someone does not understand, agree with me – however it also does not require to exclude noting that who and why disagrees with me and is there anything I can improve within my expression and communication or also to consider do I need to continue communicate the point I started with the person I talk with.
When and as I see the point of being disagreed with during a conversation/communication with other/others, I realize that even if people disagree with me – I can remain here, present, and remain open, yet disciplined to make all I can do in order to express myself the best practical way to the others understand me.
When and as I would go into the fear of not knowing what will happen if I let go the defense of my knowledge, values, personality, justification, I realize that who I am is here, regardless of knowledge, so to realize that if I fear – I do not really know an aspect of myself, that’s why I fear – because it’s unknown, or I know myself enough that I would react with a way what is also fearful and I did not realize that I can change that aspect of myself.
When and as I experience doubt, doubtful thoughts, disagreement within myself, I stop and I allow myself to unify here within a decision of what I am going to do and then I trust myself within that and whatever comes up within – I breathe and let it go, forgive myself for participating within.
When and as I would go into disagreement with myself, it means I do not know myself, so I open up myself and ask the question of who I am in relation to this and also that who I want to be in relation to this according to self-honesty, of consideration all what is here.
I commit myself to walk through the trigger points of frustration/anger/anxiety/annoyance to become aware the patterns I allowed to become my tendency before participating within and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, breathing, self-corrective application.
I commit myself to find develop patience and self-direction to commit myself to let go all the points of frustration/annoyance/anger/anxiety and let go the fear and establish self-trust within consistent presence.
I commit myself to develop awareness and presence during communicating with others and change myself in order to be able to express myself more clearly with consideration the person(s) I am communicating with as well.
I commit myself to walk through all the patterns of going into polarity of wanting to have technique to be automatized in order to not needing to be present all the time and also to walk through all the instances of ever coming up an idea of me not wanting/needing to be here and finding out what exact fear I am not aware of yet participating within to be able to understand/forgive/stop and change myself in relation to frustration/annoyance.
Okay – this is it for now. I see several points/dimensions where I will continue to apply self-correction to specify within writing on how to support physical change. This I also recognize as practical support for re-aligning breathing within action to prevent going into mind-reactions and ‘micro’-possessions, meaning going into continuous reactions, like following the thought-feeling-emotion tube while not being present and directive, which is always the same self-limitation.
I just listened these Atlantean interviews for assist and support myself with understanding ANNOYANCE further.
As always – of EQAFE, this is outstanding support, explains so much about annoyance and how the mind works and how to stand up for the annoying self-acceptance of annoyance: (Click on the image for the support). What I already realized with the support of these interviews I will continue in the next post.
Further support for annoyance: