[JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 – impatience

Continuing with on the point of tiredness…

…and as self-correction I planned to walk here in this next post, there is something what is coming up as related and relevant point to forgive myself about first to become aware exactly the patterns what are self-dishonest and I still accept and allow myself to participate within.

So, before the actual self-correction I bring in another dimension, which is: patience.

I find it relevant as recently started to see/realize/understand a very interesting point about tiredness versus impatience.

Whenever I am becoming impatient, I lose my balance, I lose my presence, I lose my consistency, I am not motivated anymore – not to what I was before, thus I am going into the same pattern as before – reacting, judging, more focusing to what I do not like and my thoughts, emotions about how and why I do not like it, rather than simply stopping myself reacting, preventing the situation which I find not supporting.

It is interesting because as I am losing my presence by giving permission to my habits to react and judge I am becoming tired very soon.

There is also a point wherein I can start to lie to myself about it is now patience when in fact it is acceptance and allowance of something what is not self-supportive – only way to come out within absolute clarity is self-honesty – which if it’s not obviously consistently here – then I am most likely not sure, because I am not that intimate, present, open with myself to be aware of what is in fact self-honestly the best for me and others around me equally.

Thus it is always simple, but as I engage walking through the layers of the mind it can be pretty soon quite complicated, multidimensional, many points link and point to each other and the whole rule-matrix in my personality can be triggered and reacted to automatically.

However Self-honesty is always the most simple and direct way to reveal what I am accepting and allowing which is not best for me and all and thus to express the common sense to stop that – stopping myself doing that without any other, new con, complicated logic or reasoning.

I am simplicity, I am breath, I am life, I am expression.

More and more time I am allowing myself to give myself a piece of patience so to speak.

As I am slowing down within myself, attuning my mind, beingness breath by breath to the pace of my human physical body – what I have realized is that the difference between patience and impatience is always about one breath.

FASCINATING, isn’t it? Whenever I am losing my temper, feel my blood boiling, my nerve to electrify with this anxious, angry, frustrated expression – I simply breath.

It seems quite tricky, I was ‘planning it’ since a decade – however what I’ve found is that once I walk the specific Self-forgiveness statements, to open up, as writing down the exact words, reactions, thoughts, emotions, patterns – I bring it down into physical time-space – word by word as I write the letters, words, sentences – I am slowing down, and thus I am allowing myself to really see/realize/understand what words I consist of and react to and why.

And it’s like a map I draw – the many curvy and complicated paths I carved into my mind as my personality, habits, through memories, definitions, preferences, desires, fears, limitations, points of positive, negative – these are quite determining and as much each human is striving towards freedom – this is the exact opposite what we result with.

When I forgive the point of losing my temper because of the computer is slow, not responding – typical point, I am sure most of the humans can very much relate –

“This f*** computer is so slow”, “The webpage does not load”, “I am wasting time”, “I am spending my life staring progress bars”, “Crashes the moth****”…

And it builds up – I am aware, when I am not traveling and not being behind the camera I am using computers – same with phones, tablets, any machinery, anything!

Just like we have a plan, wanting to do, an intent, and when it does not work, we lose our temper, getting dragged down by the slowness, the experience of lack of energy, tiredness is coming.

It is to observe our human physical body – the breathing, the posture, the muscles, the inner state of ourselves. It seems also tricky as being busy, having to do complicated work, listening orders from others, needing to quickly make responsible decisions and executing those etc.

But if one starts walking Desteni I Process online courses – can step by step understand what is going on within our mind, what is that what makes us react, what is that I am becoming anxious, mostly me is the ‘time being wasted while waiting for the machine to do what I order to it’.

And one simple point I suggest – in this time: BREATHE – take a breath, re-align with self-presence, self-direction, empty our mind and just be with ourselves.

Come on, it’s just some seconds mostly anyway – what it is that why we can not enjoy ourselves ‘alone’ for a moment – the machine has to be waited for, so what?

Same with a little child – if the child walks, does things slowly, is it really cool to become anxious, angry, because they need a bit more time?

I am not saying the machine must be slow and it is alright – absolutely not – but if I do accept MYSELF to become anxious, frustrated, angry, because of a computer – then obviously not the machine is responsible for myself losing myself and go into predictable, always the same energetic reaction, which does not support me, others or anything.

For me also it was the self-judgement of ‘I can not do anything’ – if the machine loads – I felt like I am the slave of my decision to wait for the computer, no matter how slow it is – and while I judge how slow it is, I accumulate frustration, I compound anger.

And in relation to computer, it’s speed, my lack of capacity to use it but in fact I am becoming frustrated because of the fact that I am automatically giving up my presence, myself in that moment – that is also really frustrating to acknowledge that I am compromised, diminished and the most relevant point is that ‘with my own consent’ – that also can be frustrating to realize and more frustrating to not do anything about it.

So it is really serious and it is also depending on how much pressure one ‘gets’, like angry boss, deadline, financial risk, influencing others if not being able to do it etc – but after all – who I am in this very moment is in fact who I really accept myself to be and exist as.

In regarding to tiredness – it is a pattern existing within me to become anxious, frustrated because of impatience and then going into reactions which makes me feel more energetic first and then when it’s over, it’s like sugar-rush – drags me down.

And stable, consistent expression always felt for me as wrong, dull, normal, ordinary, mortal etc – and I’ve defined energy, intensity, diversity, polarity, waving as more interesting, more me – which was not self-honest – it was self-definition excuse to justify why I am in fact not existing but as reaction patterns. The self-identification with energy, intensity, positive, negative – was in fact the only consistent I’ve manifested myself to be without my presence, my direction, my stability.

This whole cycle to participate within all the time also can manifest layers of tiredness of accumulated self-defeat, lack of self-motivation which should be written down, forgiven through and committed to stop one by one, breath by breath.

And if anything coming up in relation to this decision to stop – it is also a pattern and should be investigated, forgiven, committed to stop – fascinating!

If I want to stop procrastinating but what coming up first is ‘I do not have enough time’ – then I should walk through that idea in my mind of ‘not having enough time, why and how I experience that’ and to realize it is just an experience.

When I am present, breathing, directive – there is no tiredness, there is no impatience.

Let’s walk Self-forgiveness in regards to tiredness and impatience specifically my living days currently.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I am becoming impatient – I am giving into an automatic self-accepted reaction for a reason as giving up into self-defeat and losing myself, defining it bad, defining my powerlessness for what I react to as being impatient and also for what I accept and allow within and as myself how I react without be able to realize how and why I do so and within that to be able to prevent and stop myself participating within it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that becoming angry/frustrated/impatient is not supporting for a practical solution, but rather I focus to my reaction, for my giving up for accepting myself as powerless yet not liking it instead of simply being aware of the point I do not enjoy and remain here, present, directive and find practical ways to not give any excuse for losing my stability here and within that in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I have a choice before going into impatience, anger, energy surge of frustration, powerlessness, which is not react with the same patterns but remain here, remain within breath, presence, physical awareness and if I do not see the opportunity, the practical ability for this choice to make and live by – it is because the accumulation of self-acceptance within the consent of giving my mind the direction, automation by a belief that it is also me, it is who I really am and it is who I define myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood the simple common sense of applying self-forgiveness of the points I’ve allowed and accepted myself to become aware my responsibility for what I am and be aware how and why exactly I am reacting to assist and support myself to recognise the external/internal patterns/circumstances/conditions what makes me react the way it is I’ve already realized it is not as living my utmost potential within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness is the awareness of life if I am becoming responsible for my actions and the consequences of them as who I am and thus defining relationships and reasons for why I have to apply or why I do not have to apply it as myself undefined, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face the consequences of what I have not allowed myself to forgive to myself, to others and to all of existence to live the interest of me, the interest of self, the interest of my mind and hiding behind it, hiding behind myself while not realizing that I am constantly manifesting consequences in reality, whether I am aware of them or not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that if I resist responsibility for myself and for my existence, I am hiding in a bubble of conditioned mind consciousness system which will inevitably burst and then I will face myself anyway but the consequences are accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I am going into tiredness when I wake up in the morning, because of the specific reasons I allow myself to define myself in relation to tiredness such as how many hours I’ve slept, how I’ve slept, what I did before sleep, what I did not do before sleep and also very relevantly: what I am going to do today when I wake up and what is my experience already in regards to this very day, the things I am going to face, do and if there is any judgment, worry, fear, desire, thought, emotion,friction it is to realize I am going into judgment, separation, the mind which with I eventually can persuade myself of being: TIRED.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand how my mind and body is interconnected and stand as equal and one because of the extent of self-accepted separation of my beingness, my mind, my body and thus not be aware of how I am making the body being tired while participating in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking only can make me more energetic, awaken, fresh when I react to the thoughts and that reaction is also the mind and thus showing to me that who I define myself to be is in fact the mind, thus not being stable but always of relationships, polarities, reactions, energies and not be aware of that all of this energy is coming from the body, making the body exhausted, tired, abused while in my mind only considering about energies which is not physical and thus not being in an intimate, present, equal and one relationship with my own human physical body to be aware of what makes it exhausted, dragged down such as thinking, desires, fears, energies and be self-honest about stopping these patterns – use common sense on how to stop these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am always one breath ‘away’ from prevent myself going into impatience, tiredness, losing myself here and it is because I’ve defined importance into the mind instead of presence, physical, direct vulnerability here and not realizing why to be able to prevent myself to do so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually decide and do what it takes to really slow down within the activities I do each day by investigating, sitting down, writing out what I do and why to be able to see myself as I am, not judged, not defined, not feared, desired or stimulated.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can absolutely walk through each trigger point of impatience within my life with self-forgiveness/self-correction/self-commitment and if I do not apply it as solution as myself – I am not self-honest thus it is common sense to apply self-forgiveness for the self-accepted reasons for why not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand what it is making me react with tiredness/sleepiness at my workplace because always reacting, not breathing presently and thus not seeing that because what I actually do or do not do – I already have judgement about it and reacting to it drags me away and existing in the mind is already manifesting tiredness as for to be able to be in my mind so to speak I need energy to generate/react to which comes from friction, which comes from the physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient, frustrated, angry when the computer is not responding immediately, defining myself as wasting time, needing to wait and not see-realize, understand that I can simply breathe and be comfortable with myself waiting for a moment and simply be without the need for judging the scenario as bad, projecting out the anger to computer, others while in fact being angry at myself for losing myself thus looping myself within unnecessary cycle and becoming tired of being the same pattern, of being powerless and not being stable.

I will continue with more specific self-forgiveness and self-correction.

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