I continue with the fight and winning point which I started to open in the last post.
As I mentioned in an other previous post when I played MUD wherein I was hunting other players for become the best of bests and how I enjoyed being powerful, feared and envied only in the game.
Within reality I always despised such acts because I’ve defined it as weakness because real power should be sharing and caring and all fight and aggression is because of original fear – but at the same time I was convinced that everybody becomes powerful by these and I had this friction within me being hungry for power yet denying to use ways which is abusing others.
This I overreacted, in fact based on a fear of becoming evil and also defining everything what comes with power in this world as avoidable, such as wealth, influence, exposure, fame – in a way because I’ve defined myself as gullible, fallible, naive as well – so I avoided everything what would lead me to have even stability, power. I looked beyond these points, basically ‘virtualization’.
Virtualizing experiences what only happen in my mind – within gaming, with sex films, daydreaming, fantasizing, reading – and later on when started to explore in reality, not realizing the same starting point being lost in spiritualism, psychedelic experiments, buddhism etc – and still disregarding physical here. This time I do not go into details with buddhism as those who define themselves can refer me back that they are living it in reality – that is their point to realize – for me it was mostly a mind-game, chasing butterflies in my imagination and I could start my process of self-realization when I was able to let go these completely. So back to fear and power.
A typical example of I had fear of learning martial arts because what if I lose my temper and kill people, so within that fear I did not learn such things and only realizing that when I actually learned martial arts I learned to control, direct, pacify, calm myself and eventually face and stop fear for instance from falling onto concrete or being hit I can embrace and avoid being harmed from.
So this was a glimpse of the past let me walk the practical self-realization further with Self-forgiveness as understanding the self-dishonesty in my past to prepare the self-correction in the present and commit myself for living in integrity with myself and all others in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience power, being feared and envied because of the starting point of fear, fear from not having power, envy others within power and wanting to equalize myself, neutralize myself as the mind with the energetic reaction within self-judgement in polarity in the belief that if I reach the equilibrium in my mind then I can live in peace and stopping the conflict within me.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I defined myself and my stability, my state of beingness according to experiences of polarity judgement values of who I am and not realizing that these judgement-reaction-energy-experiences I gave my mind permission to come and go automatically according to external circumstances and within that giving my direction, power away and believing that power is when I can equalize, balance out the negative and positive within me and never considering the common sense of preventing the negative and the positive reactions to give permission my mind to accept and allow.
I forgive myself that I have never considered the real power I was looking for was always about and towards myself, being able to have power within me without being separated, without living between polarities, conflict, friction and live undefined, untamed, unlimited from within and trusting myself to live thoughtless, direct, physical expression breath by breath always within and as the location of my human physical body here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define power on/about people according to the judgements I had about what I lack therefore it must be that as power such as money, fame, influence, exposure which I could not have because of initial self-judgements of I lack these and also the abilities to get I never practically explored within the belief that these are ‘negative’ as using and abusing others within self-interest, which I judged in others, yet I wanted the same experience which I feared to get in physical reality so I experienced these within my mind wherein I seemed to not harm anyone with it and not realizing I was harming and suppressing myself and becoming delusional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as selfish, dark, evil within and as me so deliberately avoiding and refusing anything in this world what would give me power, direction, stability, influence and wanting to find positive, experience light, wanting to be good and never realizing the mind-prison I’ve manifested myself to live within based on fear which I’ve not seen as having excuses and justifications of why I am better if I am powerless and inconsistent and defining who I am according to that as personality of Talamon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the light, positive, good because of wanting to fight, battle, equalize, win, dominate the original self-definition, self-judgement, experience of energy within and as myself in and as my mind and body of negative, bad, darkness and never realizing that life here just is, no polarity, no definition, no limitation so unless I participate within any polarity – I am lost within consciousness systems.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real power I was looking for is being here, being aware of myself, my reality as equal as one and remain undefined, yet expressing and trusting within myself as life, to be able to become consistent, responsible, stable and effective.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fearing from myself and expressing myself I was suppressing myself and becoming addicted to energetic reactions within me which is not physically here, only for me, believing it has no consequence for others and never seeing/realizing/understanding that by being influenced, directed by delusions/fear I have manifested consequences anyway in reality which is being shared with others equally.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the direct solution here within common sense to investigate/explore/understand my self-definitions, slow down within and forgiving the self-accepted definitions to give myself a blank, empty moment within I can breath through the need for reaction, for automatic association and remain here undefined and trusting myself within learning to express and live myself with words what are the same written, said and lived equally.
I forgive myself that I have never considered that with becoming, being resourceful within this world I can be supportive for myself and others equally and it is not a law to become corrupted by fear or greed automatically so realizing that within the starting point of Life and Equality and Oneness within Self-honesty I can use the power, stability, wealth, influence, fame to support myself and others to live by the principle of “Give as you would like to receive” and “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” and support practical solution to manifest living opportunities which is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from having power because I’ve defined myself as very good for becoming smart, able to direct and win, rule, dominate and becoming obsessed with perfection therefore building up a personality which I never practically lived, only used to compare my real living with it and creating friction and coming up excuses and justifications of why I am in fact facing being powerless in real life and pushing myself to go more and more deep and layer into consciousness systems and energetic reactions while not seeing that I am lost within delusions of virtual battles in myself based on fear which is not real, unnecessary, ridiculously limiting and frustrating.
So today I also bring up a point of Self-support, I’ve just recently listened this interview, which is very supporting:
to be continued…