Continuing on the previous post, starting a Self-correction from childhood, my early gaming times wherein I start with investigating why in the first place I’ve turned totally into gaming while disregarding all which is physical reality here what then became a basic pillar of my personality. This first post might not seem connected with gaming directly, but I start it here and in later posts on will be continued, connected.
Going into virtual – thinking, feeling, while in reality not really moving. This seems to be more and more limited while in and as the moment reality does not wait for me while I process based on memories, past, thoughts, associations, reactions – very sometimes this can work when I use this as visualization and self-intimacy – but mostly, in reality this is in fact a prison – while I am busy with the virtual – backchat, mind, feeling positive, negative – moody swings up and down – reality goes forward and my reaction to it, a conclusion of internal process – will not ‘match’, will not ‘reach’ the moment – I can only be in and as the moment here – if I am empty within to embrace it and act immediately. To recognize this disadvantage – one requires some self-honesty, self-investigation for which WRITING is the most practical tool. For that Desteni I Process Free Online course can give a great support.
Starting (continuing) from looooooooooooooooong before.
First of all – we were poor – so while other kids went to paid bus tours or summer camps – I had to stay at home and often work around animals, garden, fields, household. While other kids had toys and gadgets – I was glad when I had something comfortable(mostly cheap chinese) so soon I’ve learned to use my vivid imagination to spend my time with when I had the chance – before computers.
Secondly I was a scary boy, I’ve experienced things at nights what I could not explain and never spoke about to anyone – endless falling in the universe, no stability but constantly feeling up and down within experiences I really felt like I am losing my mind – I wrote about these experiences before, I just mention here but I created the fixation to feel positive to overcome negative.
I’ve compared and judged myself with other and what I’ve seen in media – I was very white-skinned and thin, not like the others – and no one explained to me how things are as I am normal – also teachers and my mum even encouraged me to think myself as different – they always focused to how smart, clever, fast-thinking I am, so I had the impression that math and computer skills is more important than being physically strong and present here – others drove motorcycles, after cars which I was not really interested in – so I read, programmed and gamed.
Gaming was the way I could be good with easily – I had the ability to practice, perfect myself without consequences(other than time) so with persistence I became good with computers, basically with all machines.
Also I was not really good with feelings and emotions – I did not realize how those are in fact self-created from thoughts and images, energies and reactions – but what I realized is that by having moods, feelings, becoming emotional – I’ve lost the only ability with I was good with, which was logic and clear conclusions.
Especially when seeing most of the others had trouble with these.
Also within the culture, the image and likeness of manhood seemed like clear mind is great, emotions and empathy is the mark of the weak – “Real man does never cry” – like soldiers on battlefield I’ve felt myself sometimes.
Those seemed so easy for me – no emotion, no feeling, except when I was overwhelmed, sometimes I had to let it out – when others bullied me, family members, other kids, even teachers, I’ve felt frustrated and I exerted it to my little sister or I had the ‘need’ to stimulate myself within gaming, especially enjoying the killing and dieing in games.
I have written about the childhood fear points within these post about a year ago:
I continue from here towards Self-correction, Self-commitment
Self-forgiveness if applied within self-honesty is the act of god as ourselves as creator, creation, created as equal as one which one takes responsibility for and re-aligns with what is best for oneself – and for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself more powerful within thoughts, feelings, emotions than directly here in and as the physical reality here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to weaknesses and strengths and accepting myself who I’ve judged myself in the past and never questioning what I can actually stop judging and start changing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as impatient, meaning not being able to think more than one action/reaction at a time and wanting to change myself in one moment and when not being able to then defining that it is and who I am and then accepting it immediately and never considering patience, consistency, accumulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the experiences defining those as negative because not being able to define and within the fear of unknown I’ve allowed myself to fear to lose myself as not being able to define myself: defining myself as losing myself.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within the expression of acting, exploring undefined there is nothing to fear as all what I entail, experience, express, face is myself directly here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to myself, my mind to constantly define, judge, categorize, polarize and within that not realizing that it is a mathematical equation within which I accept myself to exist as and then in order to maintain status quo I have to participate within energy games, energetic experiences, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions in order to feel myself stable, otherwise I would face the unknown, undefined, which I’ve defined as dark, fearful, deep.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop an automatic tendency to become attracted and interested within the self-defined positive experience while not realizing that I am in fact allowing it within the starting point of negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from unknown, fear from losing myself and within that not realizing that I fear from the lose of ability to define, judge, react with energy, words because then I am unable to stimulate, in fact manipulate my state of mind, my state of beingness in order to control myself in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the automatic tendency to virtualize, always simulate with words and energy within myself to have a feeling, a reaction, a perceived movement within me to stimulate my state of beingness by having a secluded room within myself as the mind wherein I can do more than in the physical, I can imagine, I can think, I can feel, have emotions without apparently affecting my physical state of beingness, expression, living and not realizing that in fact it is influencing, limiting, directing my physical life here without understanding it, without being able to stop it – in fact myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my inner reactions such as thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, imaginations within my mind to computer games as both seems to be not real, seems to be like replayable without consequences and never realizing the fact that with both I actually skip being aware moments here, I disregard what is actually happening here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experience, energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, imaginations as more important, more real than actual physical reality, physical events, physical consequences, common sense here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to praise energetic experience within myself more than what is here in and as the physical because with inner energetic experiences I can repeat, loop, echo the same things over and over and over again within the belief that it is freedom and not realizing that it is timelooping, not expanding, not changing within the starting point of fear of unknown, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of myself, fear of fear itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my physical life here within the judgment that it is not good, not who I want to be because I’ve compared my life with others life, my appearance, clothing, toys I’ve had with others what have and I wanted those, I envied them and I felt powerless because could not get those what seemed as value within school without me ever questioning the value system I’ve accepted to follow and be identified by.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself with lack of power, lack of money and within envy wanting what others had and I’ve defined it as not right that some has what I can not have and justifying it with that I am more smart, more mature and more capable for those things to have than others.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that within the lack of specific words to live out I’ve defined a hollowness, a need, a desire to fulfill within me in order to stop the experience of negative energies coming from the thoughts, definitions, backchats, judgments wherein I’ve defined myself as valuable which I could not see manifested so then I’ve became obsessed with self-stimulation with thoughts, feelings, emotions to feel being fulfilled by the words I’ve defined myself lacking.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that within experiences I wanted to have what I did not have, I desired to fell what I could not feel and justified it with the righteousness of that if others have that I should have as well equally.
I forgive myself that I have never considered common sense within seeing what is constantly present as my own human physical body here, which is always busy LIVING, BREATHING which if I am not aware of I expose myself as being lost within consciousness experiences which are of thoughts, feelings, emotions and by that not being aware what is practical, what is best for me, for others.
When and as I experience myself going into reaction, fear, thinking, I realize I have the starting point of experience, of fear of loss, fear of fear, which I let go, I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself here, physically where I share reality with all other equally.
When and as I go into virtual mind to model and try to find out what is best before acting, expressing – I realize I use past, I limit myself based on the doubt of I can not ‘perform directly’, so then I stop, I let go all fear, all worry and doubt and I trust myself within practical direct expression here – even if it means I do not act perfect first time but I stand up and act and express without judgment in all moment equally.
When and as I doubt myself which then I try to equate with positive thinking, energetic stimulation to recover my balance, trust to do something – I stop, I realize with the starting point of fear, doubt I am not myself but of fear as consciousness which is not real but the result of self-dishonesty, so I completely stop participating, I breathe, I re-align myself here and I express.
When and as I see a pattern unfolding within my expression, reactions which I am not fully aware of – I stop it and I investigate, I question myself, I look at myself with common sense and develop self-intimacy to see is it really who I am as Life or it has the starting point of fear and if so then I stop it, I forgive myself, I commit myself to stop act according to fear and start living directly without thoughts, feelings and emotions as direct self-expression, undefined, unlimited breath by breath.
I commit myself to stop going into virtual mind-mode wherein I can think about things instead of acting immediately by understanding it is of fear, of lack of self-trust, which if I accept will accumulate, therefore each time I participate within thinking – I stop and I find practical ways to realize the points behind it and slow down within to be able to prevent myself to think and act breath by breath.
I commit myself to let go all the fear of making mistakes, fear of fear and fear of failure, fear of pain and I trust myself and act and express each moment equally as direct expression undefined.
I commit myself to equate myself within and as the mind when I see that I accept something judged as negative and then wanting to balance out with chasing things I’ve allowed to automatically define as positive and I let go the addiction of energy of duality of thoughts.
I commit myself to walk through each pattern I constitute as personality and let go all fear step by step and push, birth, live myself into and as this physical existence directly within each breath.
I commit myself to walk the process of living self-forgiveness of each thought, feeling, emotion which I participated until I am here with nothing in and as the mind participating but directly living with awareness of what is here.
I commit myself to stop being addicted to thoughts and allowing and giving permission to my mind to “shoot up” thoughts from the darkness of unconscious into the light of my conscious mind without me being aware of it, only reacting to it and accepting it as who I am – instead of investigating, slowing down, bringing myself here and use common sense and develop practical self-honesty to stop each pattern of thoughts and the feeling of energetic addiction until I am clear, empty, yet here, expressive, directive in all moments, breath by breath.
I commit myself to develop practical patience within what I accumulate within understanding of how space and time and myself working in order to stop the mind of what I gave permission to automatize and limit myself to hide from facing the darkness and fear I’ve defined who I am and let go all definitions and live without the constant judgments and be here and remain here.
I commit myself to use the tools of Desteni providing as myself naturally with no reason and actually exploring self-enjoyment within letting go all patterns I’ve allowed myself to physically manifest and became one by one until I am here.
So this might seem too abstract – I bring it to the current path I walk – learning driving car. It starts to go better, so I am not fully stressed, stimulated with fear of failure of I crash in each moment with what I’ve allowed myself to keep ‘present’ – I become more relaxed, and within that the basic personality of me comes up – thin-king – going virtual – which I do not want – especially until I am not consistent within effective, safe driving.
I take self-direction and decompose the matrix of personality which through I never stopped fear but balanced out with energetic experiences. So I re-align – step by step.
For instance when I drive and with the instructor near me – I had a doubt – wherein I did not remain here and use common sense or ask directly but I went into thinking about – shall I, should I, I might, – and in that one second I went into virtual mode which is obviously not practical in a 4-laned traffic going with 60kmph. Exactly that’s why I never wanted to drive before as seeing how many times I shift dimensions what seemed fast but while physical time goes it is not safe – and I’d rather avoided this point – until nowadays wherein I stabilize, I de-program and re-align myself to be able to remain here in each moment.
So when and as I am not sure, within driving I directly express, I ask, I stop, I use brake, I stop within and push here myself directly.
I commit myself to go stop myself going into thinking, virtualizing, wondering while driving car and expressing myself and remaining always here and directing the car which is part of the traffic, physics, as I am responsible for what I do.
I stop each patterns what brings me into the virtual word-based energy mirror as the mind to see what I scattered about myself around many dimensions while here in direct reality I am not directing, I am not here, I am not aware – so by writing out, saying and applying in my daily living the words I take responsibility for: I become more consistent, present, directive while being undefined yet constantly be aware of what is here and prevent manifesting consequences what is not the best for me and others.
I let go the memories what I react to automatically with judgment of negative and positive and I allow, direct myself to live in and as the moment.
I realize that the fear of negative, the fear of not having, the fear of being not good enough, the fear of myself, fear of consequences is not required – and not required to balance out with positive energies but I can understand and stop each fear with common sense and patience, practical application of self-investigation, self-correction.
I suggest to study this blog:
Also as the links around in the words of this post – is to link EQAFE , which is a unique, outstanding Self-support within realizing how we operate in the mind to be able to stop to assist ourselves for stop the inequality within ourselves and in the world as equal as one.
to be continued