This is a continuation of:
- [JTL 140] Stopping gaming addiction support part 1
- [JTL 141] Gaming addiction support part 2 – Self-forgiveness
- [JTL 142] Gaming addiction support part 3 – Self-forgiveness II.
This post only entails some of my personal history on obsession of computer gaming to assist and support myself for further Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment. Also to see the extent one can go within gaming while disregarding reality here. I’ve ‘lived’ so many ‘characters’ and ‘personalities’ which might seem quite limiting or shameful or reckless – but as I walk through – I do not define – I change, I transcend – so today I share one of those characters I’ve lived: GAMER!
Within this blog I often share points what are obviously self-dishonest, nasty, ‘dark’ – but writing it out I assist myself to recognize it and I can forgive, commit myself to STOP – that I share, as it is not really who I am but who I’ve defined – and therefore expressed – myself to be.
That is why this process is also referred as Journey to Life to Nothingness – letting go all what is of consciousness systems – all I remain as Life and this process is what all walk whether they know consciously or not yet.
When I was little kid – I saw others playing with quartz-gaming and then went to basic school and all of a sudden I saw a room with full of old style computers (around 1986) and they played 2D platform games(such as Robin Hood)
I was electrified by seeing that game as other kids played and my initial thoughts were like I want to learn how this game works, how to play, to understand how to make such things and that took me forever in the scene.
In my family we could not afford computer in that time so I went to basic school’s study group on afternoons into the computer room and first played some game and then started to learn LOGO and BASIC programming quite early.
The pace of that learning was not fast enough for me and as I’ve found hundreds of old computer journals left over in a dusty store room I actually stole of those in folded bunches and smuggled out from the school in my pants regularly and at home I studied carefully.
In the communism of central Europe there was quite a ‘greyish’ propaganda against the type of capitalism what we have in the west today so there were things what were unavailable as there was an embargo called CoCom. It meant blocking many products from the soviet block(mostly weapon-industry-related stuff) – as such Commodore 64 computers as well so my deepening of computer science started only when that was over and my mother could afford buying a C64 with datasette for me (using regular cassette for storing data – it was slooooow and uncertain) and from that moment I was really into the computer world and typing in all the programs I’ve found compatible in the stolen newspapers(no internet) – even one typo caused errors which was quite crazy but programming and gaming with I spent time hand in hand.
After some years when I was in programming and bookkeeping high school and mom could afford to invest into a 286 PC(was about 200$) which I learned to use already in school(as well Mortal Kombat fatalities) and I remember the most intense gaming obsession I had in that time was the game called Civilization.
There is a little unit, a tribe of future nation with one can play to build cities, culture, inventions, military, public relations with and against other nations and with that I spent many-many sleepless nights with and there were difficulty levels as Chieftain, Warlord, Prince, King, Emperor which was quite difficult to win(dominate all the planet or build space shuttle system to send to Sirius before 2120) and I was able to achieve victory on King difficulty which was quite heavy and I was proud of myself quite much.
Meanwhile my mother almost literally had to kick me out to under sun as I was quite obsessed with achieving victory on King difficulty with military domination and science research+build of space technology as well which she obviously not valued and appreciated as much as I did so we had some conflict.(Furthermore when I did not poke the computer I was reading all the time, not just Lord of the Rings style stuff but science as well). Meanwhile I deepened my judgmental personality system with praising mind, thinking, programming, logic, imagination, visualization, fantasizing, daydreaming against physical world, my body, resisting against developing athletic/muscular outfit as other village boys usually do with physical work or workouts. I was introverted, many times petrified and kind of awkward in reality so by judging myself such: I charged myself further into the computer world with programming and gaming.
After some there was a different scenario years when at the university my girlfriend bought me a modern computer – it was more than 1000$ what she earned with working in US and she was very smart and practical and realized that this is an investment for me what is required to learn programming with what I will be able to earn money after university and I learned Java programming within Linux operating system quite a lot on that and also playing games such Quake and HalfLife and Heroes games as well, what I was able to play all day with no problem.
In that time I did drink quite some alcohol as well what also assisted my mind to be boosted from all angles(what for alcohol exists actually so I suggest for the ones who decide and dedicate their life for Self-realization to commit oneself to let go alcohol completely with all excuses altogether).
I remember my girlfriend went to abroad to Czech Republic in a spring break and I told her that I can’t come along because I have to work on my diploma degree and actually what I did was playing through HalfLife game what I played at least 16 hours a day for a week consecutively. At some points I felt dizzy, tired, weaken in my body, but the story pulled me, I wanted to see how it ends, I enjoyed the variety of weapons, the dimensions, the monsters so much that I just played all day and stopped only for eating and sleeping but even within sleep I had this excitement, when I woke up already stimulated in my mind without fully resting to play and explore more from the game. This aspect remained for long years – also with drugs I felt that – it did not matter that I did not rest fully – as I was boosted in my mind so much that it was like a sort of drunk state but ‘positive’, ‘energetic’ yet only caring about the stimulation – in that time the game, it’s story, it’s interactions etc.
Also there was a game called BLOOD – what we played in LAN in deathmatches(free for all mostly or capture the flag) and there were these weird hooded cultists who threw dynamite with shouting and when killed someone the game said: mutilated, massacred, burned etc so it was really gruesome especially with the part of killing innocents and we played with it for a year many-times and it felt very energetic.
|Login to EV MUD|
Another very intense gaming part of my life was MUD(Multi-User-Dungeon) which is a telnet-text based role-playing game(My obsession was called Lost World, a fantasy realm). We could play it only in the Computing Science Center room what opened in the morning and closed at late night and there were about a dozen guys who played MUD all day literally. That was so big part of my life(and some of my college roommates as well) that when we did not drink alcohol and jump around drunk at pubs/street/parties we just talked about that all day, it was really an obsession.
I could write about my experiences of Lost World for days continuously, I was into that for years.
The game is still running, There is still a character Talamon(sometimes I get letter in that from old mates) in there but after university I stopped playing.
I had dozens of characters, there was this ‘unlawful’ part of the game what meant that with our characters we could attack each others, not just computer-generated foes(who basically just stand at their places waiting to be killed).
There were areas, cities, quests, monsters, items, spells, casts as in usual games and there was also a group what formed in another university from BME(Technical University of Budapest) from a level of a building called R3 and we were competing for the best unlawful scores what was a list at the location of Mafia boss(in the game) and the top 20 was in there and who made it up to there were ‘famous'(infamous) in the game and the micro-society of gamers who were mostly university students all around the country and there were actual meetings in towns where there were drinking parties and all night long talks about strategies and great moments of the game.
I actually had my first girlfriend in my real life by marrying a healer character called Orchidea in the game who was a teen girl from another city who with I came together to a long distance relationship for almost a year(that is another topic).
So I had quite some characters in that game and those had to be build with wise craftsmanship and to be able to hunt down others I had to develop ruthless cunning and we used mud clients as TinTin and then TinyFugue to dominate the system, others.
To see the extent of the scripting system we developed, I just give some examples: it automatically reacted to certain texts and auto-attacked given up to 3 target variables and there were 1-2 letter commands with I moved around distant areas and did things and auto-attacked the targets when arrived to a location (%attack_command %v1; %attack_command %v2; %attack command %v3) and also when left a location. When the game answered at all locations as ‘%1 is not here’ – we programmed it to not show these messages up(gag) and the player-vs-player fights were quick and deadly and we hunted each other all day to go up on the list(kill/killed ratio and kill counts) and we formed clans, lied, deceived etc.
When my maxed out shadow hunter character called Brenner made up to the top of the unlawful list – I was the best player killer by definition: I literally felt myself powerful, feared and envied so when I logged into the game – other unlawful players immediately messaged me to friend me that ‘please do not kill me I have to get XP to level up’ so I decided life and death and I enjoyed to max out different classes(knight, ninja, psionic, wizard, thief, black mage etc) so I spent many thousand of hours in the game, seeking after thousands of millions of XP points…it was always about raising the character to demi-god level(50) and from there it became more powerful so then by itself could became efficient killer to became unlawful to kill players.
All of it was just texts scrolling up quite fast – so to progress fast and effective – I programmed my client to not see anything from normal game, I did not see the description of places, possible way outs, only what was relevant for effective moving, killing, ascending. Most of the game play I automated with scripts, so I just went around and wiping out all monsters what re-born in each 15 minutes so we had timers for waiting for RESET and rushed through efficiently in 2 minutes for about 5 million of XP and then just chatted for 13 minutes and it seemed as real fun for at least a year…
|Talamon character in EV MUD today in 2014|
There was an afternoon when one of the player guys have passed out and fell from the chair in the computer lab as he disregarded eating/drinking so long that the body could not take and it seemed funny but actually it was quite shocking. Obviously we were not the greatest pupils in the study systems, I have fallen on math exams for some times but did not matter, I was possessed with the game as in that I was somebody, in reality I was extremely poor, introverted, shy and I literally could not really speak with girls, only when drunk some vodkas so I escaped into gaming many times.
Also it was fascinating to see that at nights some of us sometimes had ‘telnet-text-based’ dreams, like I was dreaming not as visuals – but text-sentences, descriptions flowing upwards in my mind which was kind of weird…
There were also the guys who became ‘wizards’, who were the creators of the game, they programmed the locations, quests, monsters, they intended to improve and oversee the game or kick/ban trolls etc.
Another fun we had was to find and use bugs in the game to cheat, to gain advantage or shortcut character development to gain XP(experience point for level up), spell, skill and MONEY.
After all I had so much illegal money in the game so sometimes I just logged in and gave away millions which really unbalanced and basically screwed up the normal gaming of others as well and we felt like Neo in the Matrix(the movie came out after I finished university, so I mention it just to describe the similar feeling we had).
I traded characters with veteran gamers (for instance Jet Li or Xena who were maxed out by using a bug in the game called smith’s bug) I’ve bought for 3 gosser beers and I’ve made them unlawful player killers as well, I had about a dozen demi-god characters what after I’ve stopped playing I deleted or gifted away – but the main and first character Talamon was never unlawful and remained in the game even today.
I even wrote my own area (Fire mountain) for the game what was not finished(in a simplified C programming language) as I switched my obsession from the game to an actual girl who became “my” girlfriend and I ‘fell’ for another obsession called ‘love’ and she was beautiful and we did lots of sex and moved together(another topic).
I wanted to share some details of how much I was into the mud to see from the extent I had to come back for reality. After some years when I logged into the game once I was really shocked by realizing, there are quite some guys in the game SINCE I left while I traveled around half the globe – then I realized the extent of obsession I had before.
The last phase of my gaming was when I was working already and smoked weed more and more and we played all day with every possible mainstream first person shooter games.
I remember once playing with Alien vs Predator on acid – that was the most terrifying gaming experience I had – it felt so real – so then we rather listened music than chasing aliens in the game…
Even after those ‘friendships’ fallen apart – I was still smoking and playing while I was tripping with acid and went deeply into spiritualism, meditation, buddhism, sacred geometry, mayan calendar and all that kind of mind-screwups while I was still playing heavily.
There were many games I played through many times, raising the difficulty and really knowing the game, the limits, the rules, learning all about the foes and secrets, shortcuts etc.
The Jedi Outcast I’ve played the most – with Jedi Master difficulty I slashed so much storm troopers and dark Jedi for years! I literally felt I’ve became the character and I was moving as the character, there was no separation so I was able to achieve becoming extremely efficient in the game and that was also quite an experience what I was after and later could reproduce and surpass with high dose of psychedelic drugs at “dark psy trance” parties only. I knew the system, the laws, the physics, the foes from inside out and I perfected my playing to a surreal degree. There was a reptilian enemy within the game who was the final dark jedi enemy boss and he said that “Welcome to the future” what I enjoyed quite some(it was in my David Icke listening era)- and also when I tried to force push him – he told that “Dare to push ME?” also was my favourite.
Many of the latest games I also played through – I remember I already started Desteni I process walk out from mind into reality here and there was this voice in my head that ‘this revolutionary new game called Crysis comes out what I have to play through – the last one’ which required quite an expensive(fast) computer and playing that also opened the whole thing up again as this kind of realistic visual and sound became the norm so then I’ve played all the modern games as well such as Call of Duty, then Dead Space and many-many more games what I even could not list up and mostly all of those basically.
The graphics is continuously pushing the boundaries and becoming more and more hyper-realistic every day(with billions of transistors in a videocard computing real fast), just an example here: which took my attention really(however the actual gameplay was not that fun for me).
The strategy games as well were significant part of my life for a while, coming from turn-based games such as Heroes, Civ towards real-time strategy games as Dune2, Starcraft and eventually Supreme Commander and that stimulated my mind a different way.
It is basically war against limited resources and time and when you try to buy something the game says in serious sound: “You do not have enough money” – “You do not have enough power” – “You do not have enough energy” so many times which obviously influences us as words for instance(it can be turned off though) and also it is just war – no matter the cost, domination, destruction, victory is only what matters and it can be fun but when someone plays it all day it is sure influencing our mind if we do not stop and transcend the mind!
Another area is RPG, mostly the ones called ‘open-world’ which means there is a main story line but it is not obligatory to follow, one just live in the virtual world and explore without the game being a ‘tunnel’ experience what most shooters are – just levels to walk through where scripted enemies show up to massacre but in role playing games one can choose different approaches, guilds, fellowships and ‘character development’, such as Skyrim or Mass Effect, Dragon Age series etc…I’ve played with those as well…
Lately I’ve found out that regardless of gameplay, graphics, the overall playing experience – without a great storyline, a campaign walkthrough – I’ve found most of the games boring.
As the story, the world unfolds, the character becomes more powerful, ascending/gaining more weapons and the whole reason for playing seemed legit when the goal to reach I was able to be identified with.
Also my obsession with perfection often caused me to play through a game right after finishing it – so then I do not have to find out/wander around but actually enjoying progressing efficiently.
So after this short retrospective time-travel, I will walk through the energetic feelings, reactions, thoughts I’ve exposed here, not only about the computer gaming specifically to prepare further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction. Already it is obvious that some words repeat and those seem to be keys for what I was after as experience what I could not LIVE in my reality, what I’ve defined myself as unable to gain/get/obtain in my life so it is practical to investigate about my existing personality relationships with these words to let go all self-limitation. Also to look why in the first place I wanted to experience such words as myself with gaming…
Writing down all of these gamer ‘life’ – I see here how much I’ve invested into experiences what were not real – which is not BAD but who I am today I rather focus to physical world, reality-based problems and solutions, to support myself and others for the betterment of ourselves, our system, existence as I see myself responsible, especially with my abilities and understandings and ability to transcend. Seeing beyond my self-interest, to see happiness is an inside-job so to speak I was able to let go the pursuit of happiness – and focus to the path of humanity I become more and more comfortable to take responsibility for – within equality – each matters as the same – within the current value system it is possible to manifest physical equality on Life-requirements with the One man – One Vote principle which is currently being misleaded and ab-used for power games in a way what is certainly not values life.
I do not see the necessity to stop gaming totally -these are like interactive movie series – though since some weeks I did not play at all) but walking through the memories and associations, reactions within Self-honesty, Self-discipline according to Principled Living – I assist and support myself to prevent more and more obsessions with games by seeing/realizing/understanding the reasons I’ve chosen to try to ‘live’ in games instead of physical reality which always meant to accept and allow abdicate responsibilities and accumulate irreversible consequences such as disregarding financial, relationship and many more aspects of myself to naturally grow and expand within the starting point of …..? Fear.
So I will continue walking through the points to support changing and equalizing myself to be able to direct energy instead of energy directing me with my permission what I never explored to understand.
Also to see what I could not face in real life and why and actually TRANSCEND is very possible.
My usual excuse was always the tools I used to transcend seemed imperfect as the psychedelic, spiritual things I did for long years – but with finding Desteni I Process it is absolutely clear that with these tools the limit is only me, it was always me so it is really supporting to study all the Desteni Material and see that this is really supporting so I push myself through my limitations one by one, breath by breath no matter what and explore what is best for all which is also the best for me.
Thank you very much and as previously, I suggest to listen Death by Gaming EQAFE series which is actually more supportive for actual Self-realization than sitting thousands of years meditating on whatever one is obsessed with in the name of the delusional ascension/enlightenment meanwhile common sense is disregarded – so check out EQAFE, explore Self-forgiveness as the most powerful tool in the universe for the ones who dare to live Self-honesty and actually consider all here equally.