[JTL 135] Resistance to change for driving

Within learning new skills I find Self-forgiveness extremely assisting within realizing and releasing the patterns which block the new skills to be effectively learned.

Currently: learning driving car in traffic.

There are some points I specifically ‘address’ such as fear from causing accident which originates from childhood memories when I have been slightly hit by car and similar situations when I reacted.

As well I’ve always defined myself as not being fully present and accepting myself so was obvious that within driving I have to be present and directive all the time which I’ve defined I am not really capable of, more specifically: not even wanted so.

After started Desteni I Process, I realized the key is constant and consistent presence here and that starts through writing, Self-forgiveness, Self-changing within understanding, I’ve seen throughout the years that I am changing, I am becoming more calm, present and comfortable being here which brought the possibility to learn driving.

Another aspect is that I always feeded ‘negative’ reactions towards cars, specifically their stink so not really wanted to ‘have’ the responsibility to make the city to be more stinky, especially when seeing infants with mother and feeling the smog usually made me react to become angry and thinking it is not fair and I’d rather just wait for having car until it is not fueled by petrol.

That was an other layer to walk through and see what is common sense and what is self-deception in order to not needing to change to be able to trust myself for not causing accidents.

Also for some decades I’ve programmed myself to completely ignore traffic signs and not being aware of the traffic which now I am stopping as well.

So let’s open it up with Self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, define myself as not present, not being here, always flying, always daydreaming, constantly reacting, thinking, feeling which accumulates me to not being aware of what is here around me because of the constant occupation within my mind who I defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my deliberate avoidance of being present here by believing who I am according to thoughts, feelings, emotions which I’ve defined worthy and cool to be occupied with, focus to and identify myself and not realizing that I am missing what is here, only perceiving it through the self-definitions, judments, reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is alright and cool to occupy myself with thoughts, feelings, emotions within the self-accepted belief that it is required to operate within society, and to survive, to earn money I have to use and become the mind and never realizing that this is fear and based on fear I sacrifice my silence, innocence and actual presence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing from responsibility does not solves the point, rather I build resistance, reasoning to avoid it based on justifications and excuses and allowing myself to express so: I am not the directive principle here, I am only reacting automatically what I have accepted to become through the years I’ve been participating within the mind and never considering common sense to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as avoiding responsibility towards points what I’ve defined I am not capable of and I am currently unable to stand for and never considering the possibility to stop myself, change myself and actually explore what it means to be responsible for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within allowing resistance towards cars, driving cars, participating within traffic: I am not self-honest as I do not see WHY I resist, I do not ask the question of HOW to stop resisting, WHAT I fear losing, which I do not stop, so allowing becoming the resistance equal as one and then identifying the resistance with who I am so then I do not have to wake up from my belief system to face all the fears I’ve allowed to influence, direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear harming others, killing others accidentally when I am not present, when I am thinking, when I am reacting and rather avoiding the situations where this could happen than disciplining and changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that allowing myself to accept any fear I will become the starting point of fear and by that I will manifest myself who I am as starting point, no matter what I do – the fear I allow to direct me, instead of investigation, writing, stopping, forgiving, letting go unconditionally which is possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be present all the time in the traffic as defining it as tyring, exhausting, boring, meanwhile I could do some other things for instance when travelling with bus – I can read or just watch the landscape without considering the traffic – “somebody else does that, it is not my responsibility” so then I do not have to face the fact that I avoid participating within traffic because of the fears I accepted and allowed to be part of my self-definition since childhood which I’ve defined as myself and never considered to stop and change.

To be continued…

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