I am giving myself to actually acknowledge that I am more relaxed recently yet not less active, effective.
Actually it looks like the opposite I thought – the more relaxed I am – the more effective and practical I can be within action.
Action is not of need or compulsion but comes naturally as who I am and no reason is required either – I am not separated from what must be done, I am not separated from what I am doing and I am disregarding any idea of separation. I am action.
As this was a prominent point to face within me – that it seems difficult, tough, strained, uncomfortable to be always in action, in movement, in direction because the whole process was a superimposed self-controlling duplex-self-reflective going backwards looking from the mirror reversing while looking the HUD, reading the past definitions, categories, measurements etc instead of directly head on to what is here and be honest.
That was also a point when a colleague pointed at me a simple thing what strangely I never considered:
I explained her how she is so expressive and not really holding into things and that I want as well, but at times I see that I want to perfectly do in an artistic way, as I perceive myself as not expressing myself as I want, and she told the this:
(I AM GRATEFUL, THANKS, K)
-not need to be artistic, just honest (something like this)
And that I was writing and grasping about since a while and when it came to me so directly – I allowed it to get this fully in and be this honesty.
I am realizing more and more how to actually decompose the physical, the mind and stop what is not me and be more relaxed and yet directive.
I remember once Sunette told me this in 2010 at Desteni Farm that you will actually become relaxed while in action and that was like a huge sigh for me and recently I am seeing it is very possible with consistent writing, self-forgiveness and practical Self-honesty.
Not force required, not power required, not energy required but awareness, discipline, motivation and accumulation, consistency.
The decision to make in every moment to not allow conflict within me and see what is the reason for conflict and to realize, the acceptance of conflict is already a giving up on myself and re-aligning myself with pushing presence directly here, always, constantly while being comfortable physically: takes time, but accumulation, consistency, discipline and self-direction within self-honesty really works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly want to be artistic within my expression and seeing myself by and through this definition, judgment, reference and then at times by this holding myself back and never realizing that artistic means also of personality, what through I am of polarity, energy, mind instead of being honest, absolute self-honest with myself in every moment of every breath.
I commit myself to let go the obsession with artistic expressions and realizing it is judgment of the mind and I commit myself to express myself honestly in every moment without judgment within self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear my expression is not good enough within self-judgment so then holding myself back and not realizing that within holding back I remain as I accept myself as not good enough instead of trusting myself, my expression, my process of self-perfection without any judgment.
When and as I hold myself back within self-judgment of fear of not good enough, not being artistic enough, I stop it, I breathe, I express naturally and I realize if I am not honest with myself and within my expression, then what I express is not me, so I allow myself to express myself honestly with myself in every moment of every breath.
When and as I fear from not being artistic as who I wanted to be, what I’ve defined others be and comparing myself to be – I realize it is all not me, I am simply here and I express and express and express.
I express myself here with no concept, no condition, no con-trol.
I re-define the word artistic as being myself directly with no judgment, no concept, no condition, no control but be physically relaxed, comfortable, yet expressing, directing self-expression in all moments equally, continuously.
I re-define art which is best for all as self-expression as living moment by moment within common sense as considering all as equal as one as myself as being able to be in the edge of the mind and trusting self as self-honesty as presence, which is who I am therefore every moment of myself is art, so I do not need to strive for art because I am not separated from art, I am Art as Life.