[JTL 69] Self-forgiveness: workplace part 1

Problem:
This came up while working on my regular Agreement Course assignment so walking about this today here:
I have inner reactions at workplace regarding to money and people when I am not pushing I do not experience presence but inner reactions arise what is kind of automatic and I follow/allow/suppress/distract.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/judge that I go into workplace every weekday only for money meanwhile if the money would be the most important, then I would really focus on researching/experimenting/working on expanding my income within self-direction and specificity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself according to my current workplace and by that I use the polarity to not realize that in fact I’ve been attached to the place, people, my habits according to that meanwhile what is my starting point is to make money but I did not push, actually not pushing that as self-direction therefore a frustration I experience what I balance with the judgment that I am there only for the money and to not actually look and experience what I am doing there because then I would see that in fact I am there because of self-judgment of pleasantness, of fear from losing what I have and fear from change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want different job but fearing that I can not pay my regular bills towards to my commitments I’ve defined it is the default and without workplace I can not have money for that therefore I must stay at workplace and not realizing that I can change workplace MEANWHILE having job and salary continuously if I act accordingly within common sense, self-consistency and self-will based on motivating myself to keep up income and expand meanwhile still considering my interest in terms of what kind of job I would actually enjoy and do without complaining.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could be great leader meanwhile not doing it but whenever I think it I consider that I could be good but when I am being offered as senior or directing others position I complain, I pull back or even when i see the opportunity to direct and take lead or start something what with others can join within my direction – I hesitate, I procrastinate, I want to plan it more and more within the fear that I might fail and not realizing that I can expand within learning from mistakes but until I do not move, I will remain just as like I am here – considering, yet not acting and exploring, changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rude and raw with others within directing myself and do what I want because I use the excuse and justification that if I do what is my interest – regardless of what is it – I will make others have pain and uncomfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from pushing others out of their comfort zones within the self-interest of not wanting to be pushed from my own comfort zones and believing that then it is enough to get what I want and in fact not really wanting this but fearing from not being accepted if I do so and I want to have and use people but fearing if I do not consider their comfort, they will not work with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my relationships with co-workers as not deep because at any time I can leave or they can leave the company and then handling it as just like on a road trip – I meet with them, we talk, and that’s it, but refusing their invitations to party, to collaborate, to be friendly and using excuses that I do not have time, only when my interest is great within what they offer for instance filming something what I find interesting, usable, nice, rare etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge co-workers in terms of how they are limited and programmed and not realizing that in the moment of judgment projection I am being exposed as self-dishonest to myself by the perceived separation created by myself within the excuse of ‘them’ and not reflecting that back to myself who is the origin and the source of that judgment.
I forgive myself that I have not been self-honest with myself and with my co-workers, my senior in terms of how I enjoy working within what tempo and how I am effective and how difficult is when I do follow their rhythm and meanwhile not even considering to investigate my reactions, tiredness but accepting it as limitation and try to avoid it – and not using common sense about what is real and what is the most practical way to be effective and sharing it and stopping fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think over and over again that I should use my abilities more practically for more money and for more important and more interesting thing that working for pennies for this company and then thinking like a ‘balancing out’ as well as ‘I have to be careful to not lose consistent income for my regular commitments with money’ meanwhile I participate within self-judgment, fear, hope and not realizing that I am polarized and from one extreme I go to an other and only within mind meanwhile I am not here, I do not change anything physically but swirling within conflicts through and as thoughts of what I should or should not do and not considering that what I think is not real, not relevant, is of and as my past as mold of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like and think as ‘I feel like choked in the office as there is no air and my eyes become sore’ yet I want to wait and hope for this to be solved and since a long while it does not therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope and procrastination for not needing to change, to face unknown but suppress what I feel yet accept and not direct within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that colleagues are cool yet they are not here to expand limits and their minds and therefore I can not really speak about these things with them – meanwhile not realizing that I mix up within projection by judging them, and projecting my experience towards them and then defining them by that and then limiting myself how to express myself with them based on my judgment what is self-dishonesty hidden.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the guys at workplace sometimes think that I am crazy and strange and weird because I change habits fast meanwhile they seem to behave always the same way what makes me wonder how they do and why- meanwhile I project self-judgments towards them and by that I experience themselves believing that I know what I see however I only see myself as not reflecting back all judgments towards myself and stop and directly experience them undefined as they are because in the moment of judgment I hide from self-judgment and not realizing that the very act of self-judgment projected to others is in fact a hideout from how I see and why I see myself in a way what I do not want to face, change, transcend, let go.

to be continued…

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