[JTL 68] Self-forgiveness: feeling special

Feeling special is total delusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel gifted and lucky and special when I remember that I have been given many ways throughout my life especially given money for free therefore thinking that I am taken care of by forces what I do not comprehend therefore I must be somebody who must do something outstanding because I dot not know anybody else has got the same way money as I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or judge that in any way whatsoever that I am being special because within the system I have taken care of and at points I was lucky to have financially supported.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because my mother has been always resonating this to me and towards herself and anybody else how clever, smart, nice and special I am and I have reacted to this with apparent humbleness meanwhile within feeling that I am special but I am nice only when I play humble because in fact I do not know why I would be special yet because of the events and circumstances still defining me as special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because based on the education and school system and by the points the system judged me I got better points than my sister therefore thinking that I am more special and more clever and more valuable than her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and believe that I am special and unique because at basic school the tasks what required computing and thinking and mathematical skills I was able to do it meanwhile some could not and I was able to do it faster than others and therefore the teachers handled me as nice, cool, special meanwhile the others were handled as not as good, not as cool, not as special according to their value system without explaining that this is irrelevant for life because they, the teachers were not educated properly as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because at school I was promoted with specific prizes such as dedicated books for what they referred as exceptional learning results and they allowed me to feel special because some rules I did not have to keep what others had to such as doing walkabouts and running jobs for teachers with other ‘good learners’ meanwhile the others had to sit in class and study we were able to walk and play outside in the village therefore feeling lucky, special and judging the others as less special and less smart therefore less valuable without realizing that I was adapting value systems from school system, parents, teachers without being aware of that this is subjective and supports the mind and the feeling special meanwhile supports the others within feeling not being special and feeling not good enough and less valuable and by that supporting their mind equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because I have been judged as nice eyed by many and people stopped by and approached me because of judging my eyes were beautiful and special and nice therefore feeling special and defining myself according to their value of beauty and judging myself based on their feel good when they judged my eyes according to their value system and defining myself according to beauty and specialness and value based on other’s judgment and defining who I am according to these values meanwhile feeling good and feeling overwhelmed and completely disregarding myself here who I am as here as physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special because at home everyone were busy working on things what required to be done, mostly physical work and sometimes I felt like I should find a better way, or more practical way, or a way with what I need to do less and having the same result by thinking over, being smart or finding a way by what I could invent a method by what they also could do the same job with less work and at times I did so therefore I’ve defined myself as smart, as special as others apparently never bothered about ‘thinking over’ or considering better ways or more practical ways to do the simple physical job such as cutting/carrying wood or shepherd or take care animals, deliver water to plants and I was always busy to find ways to do less yet do the same result therefore feeling different, feeling special meanwhile in fact I already defined myself so special that I do not need to do the work, the job what with simply things could be done but wanted to spare my ‘sweat’ because I am special, smart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel different and lonely within my family, within the village I’ve grown up because I judged others as less smart than me and judged myself as special because I was able to have a different view simply by over-analyzing and thinking about the simplest things what people apparently did not and I always wanted to seem smart yet the starting point was to not needing to do things what always interrupted my own activities what I ‘ve defined as important meanwhile the tasks others gave me I’ve felt as distraction therefore I wanted to get those done as fast, as effective, as quickly as possible with the least work to be able to return to my own activities what were mostly poking my computer or my toys/games.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have disregarded myself as physical as body here because within the feeling special and within the energetic state of thinking about everything to come to the conclusion that the experience, the inner judgments are more important, more valuable and more smart than simply directly doing things within remaining here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate when tasks were given to me by family adults such as gardening or taking care of animals and meanwhile I did these I was not fully present, I was not here but thinking about these things or thinking about other things meanwhile doing the jobs what were necessary to do to get my ‘free time’ what I’ve defined as myself as my interest meanwhile the other things I had to do I’ve defined that it is work what I do not want, I have to do because that was the only way I was able to have my own time to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because being able to handle machines/computers efficiently meanwhile most of the people around me had difficulties to understand/use/program these therefore they judged me as smart, I’ve judged myself as unique and special and by that I felt the right to think whatever I wanted to be able to judge this as important meanwhile the other tasks I had to participate within I judged as bullshit such as work with adults, clean room what seemed irrelevant because I am more than those therefore feeling special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special when the teachers exceptionized with me in terms of punishing others for not doing homework while only smiling at me and saying ‘next time you should’ and not understanding this made me confused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand why some teachers liked me and hated other students meanwhile all they did was not understanding the subject and all I did was to be the smart and nice guy what teachers liked and reacted to by their own lack of understanding how to teach properly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky when I was not failed at first economic class while by my results I was thinking and seeing that I should be failed but somehow the teacher allowed me to pass.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand how I passed in artificial intelligence part 1 subject while the teacher said that I do not understand A.I meanwhile she allowed me to pass meanwhile when she said that to others they have failed what made me feel lucky and special and happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special finding money on street, at parties, on beach, on other places and thinking that this might remain and I will always be supported by invisible hands because I am special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special when being abroad and many people invited to their home and supported me and provided everything what I needed without asking and not understanding why they are so kind with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special when with my girlfriend we were allowed into the Egyptian pyramids by a backdoor at the cemetery and having the ride illegal and very cheap meanwhile police came and our guide was so brutal with the policeman while I was thinking that my girlfriend will be robbed and I will be shot and then nothing happened and I felt extremely lucky and I was thinking about this how happened that nothing went wrong meanwhile I did not do anything particular.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special in Egypt many times for instance going into a governor’s house through many layers of military blockade meanwhile I did not understand why they allow me in and talked with the high officer meanwhile I felt myself as nobody yet thinking might be I am not aware of how special I am and by that I went into self-judgments instead of remaining here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special while traveling abroad because meeting with people and having experiences of not understanding why I get things apparently free.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to feel special and lucky because I did not see as fair meanwhile all I tried was to balance out my already accepted self-judgments of feeling lucky and being special and I could not stop that as automatic reaction because I did not understand how my mind works and how I accept thoughts/feelings/judgments/emotions as part of real me meanwhile energetically reacting to something what purely I’ve created and by that I judged myself as not fair and selfish meanwhile these things I did not direct yet I was subject to and I had the fear that I must pay the price for these apparently ‘positive’ events and at least by self-judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special when sleeping outside in cities even at places what people judged as dangerous and I as not robbed/harmed but accepted and liked meanwhile all I did was that I was not aware of the possibility to not be harmed and after it I was thinking I was lucky because I thought within fear that it might have been differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my past that I was lucky and special because I was supported, I was not harmed and I got what I wanted and never considering that all who I’ve defined myself to be is based on self-judgment what with I had attracted events what I defined myself to be and people reacted to it and even if it seems to be ‘good’ for me – it has impact to others as well meanwhile I did not consider that, only the part of ‘what is good for me’ and after it happened I’ve judged myself that ‘then I am selfish’ because it did not make sense and I did not consider using common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I identify myself with the reactions to memories from past as feelings/emotions/another thoughts – I have experiences what I’ve believed as myself but all what happened that I’ve programmed my human physical body to chemically react to energetic reactions within me with euphoria and then feeling guilty when seeing others are not really feeling this kind of experience therefore defining myself as ‘selfish’ meanwhile I did not stop defining myself based on reactions with common sense because I was still accepting and allowing thoughts/reactions/feelings to react to and by that experience defining who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form any opinion about who I am or how I should feel based on memories and experiences especially what peaked with energetic reaction as feelings/emotions/other thoughts about who I must be, how I must be, what I must do, or how I must feel without questioning.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider what is here and what is physically taking place because of overwhelmed, mesmerized, hypnotized by the experiences I’ve had within as feelings/emotions based on opinions to have myself right, to feel special, to feel lucky because otherwise I’ve defined myself as unlucky, ordinary, lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unlucky, ordinary, lost because of the family I’ve born into was poor, they were confused and reactive and they did not seem happy only at times when they reacted to their thoughts/feelings/emotions therefore I’ve thought that this is the way to feel good and to feel how I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel unique, special, found because by that I can feel good because then regardless of who I am here I am somebody, not only by me but then by others as well so therefore it must be true because I’ve questioned myself that am I real, am I doing what who I am? Indicating that I am not real, here, as myself, doing by and as the starting point of who I am and I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to question to reconsider this starting point within by decomposing, letting go, removing, forgiving each associations I’ve made with the events/experiences/circumstances/reactions I’ve had throughout my life.

I commit myself to stop the energetic reactions by and as thoughts/feelings/emotions to feel special, unique by re-aligning myself here as physical equality with everything and everyone within common sensical practicality.

I commit myself to decompose all my memories to what I react to automatically with feeling good/bad/unique/special/lonely/lost/ordinary as a polarity system what keeps me automatically busy meanwhile I disregard what is here as reality being lost in the experience by not realizing in each moment that it is always changing, never consistent, in fact not matters.

I commit myself to not react when something happens by accident/luck without judging or trying to measure that is it of my luck or the ‘universe’ likes me because it is completely self-delusion therefore I forgive myself to judge events and possibilities so then I can go into ‘positive’ reaction to disregard physical.

I commit myself to expose all opinions to what I react with positive energies and see is it best for me and best for all or not and if not then letting it go practically and sharing the process within consistency.

When and as I define myself as special or lucky I realize that this energetic reaction is to overcome and balance the already accepted self-definition being unlucky, ordinary, lost therefore I stop reacting to it and I direct myself to stop defining myself at all, specifically here as unlucky, ordinary because of my memories, circumstances and as special, lucky according to my judgments and remain here undefined, expressive without energy, without condition.

When and as I feel that somebody is referring me as lucky, special I do not react within I direct myself with common sense.

When and as I feel that luck favors me I realize it is a casino system wherein some wins and most loses what is not best for all.

Check out DIP LITE for Self-support to stop the mind screwing into experience what is real here.

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