I am learning new skills – specifically pushing myself into a direction what I always judged as avoidable, as inferior, as not my style, as not who I am and as I am within not effective – so facing lot of self-judgments, self-definitions and not allowing to expand naturally.
All parts of the religion of self – what is standing in the middle of being effective – must be understood and stopped breath by breath.
I’ve been using this excuse of ‘being smart’ makes me right to not learn fast and immediately – to require repetition and looping and focus and tension and even anxiety to learn – however it is not self-honest.
Even my relationship towards memory is fuzzy as unconsciously relating to it – however when really needing to – and not being able to – then judging it is alright to not remember, to not be able to recall – as accepting limitation.
I see that there is a value system within here – that moment here versus memory in the mind and mixing up the two and being here does not mean not being able to remember anything except what is currently here – but meaning not being influenced, directed by memory or lack of memory automatically.
Also noticed that I can move fast, effectively and very self-willed and disciplined – but only when there is really important/stakes are high or it is already the 222th time I am doing it – a stimulation, a state of high is required to ‘operate’ to a degree what is required to be effective – and meanwhile it is about a personality what is ‘feeling like king already, so nothing to prove, nothing to push’.
Also today I was still using my right closed fist while I was saying what should be remembered in a learning phase – this focus is of the mind of energy – interferes and in fact blocks my natural learning into and as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my learning ability based on judgments and definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and define myself as there are only some words/sentences I can remember at the same time and beyond that I automatically say and react to it that it is not possible by allowing the mind to limit myself and not learning as the physical directly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve formed resistance and judgments against learning things word by word defining it dumb and unnecessary because I am more smart than requiring to learn whole sentences as they teach me and judging the teacher, the school system and my mother that it is bullshit and it is not for me, this is not who I am.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how I can learn and what is the natural speed of my learning ability and using it as advantage and not judging it as disadvantage based on memories from my past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form my personality towards the resistance to remember things and wanting to not need to remember things because I am more smart than using myself and my memory and my beingness to simply memorize words, connection between words, especially exactly as they order me to do only for avoid punishment and further limitation than the fact that I have to remember the stuff what is required for be qualified to have money in this world to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am different than others who are able and good in memorizing by that me is not good because throughout my life I always avoided this and judged it that not my type and not realizing that I’ve defined myself according to my mind and my mind’s characters by memories and not allowing to realize that I was possessing my body as mind instead of allowing the physical body to learn directly as words to integrate.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I give into the energetic state of temptation of ‘giving up trying to remember’ and not realizing that this is a feeling of becoming frustrated by facing my limitation meanwhile not realizing that I am not able to remember things because I do not allow to remain inner silent and just absorb words but reacting and re-loading memories and thinking what is common sense then that I focus to those what are already within therefore the new information can not come in because I in fact decided to focus to what is already here – more than I should as it gives a specific feeling and energy to be able to define myself as always as this character of ‘having justifications for why I am limited by myself according to memory and perceived reality experience’.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was always looking/searching/finding after the reason of lack of absolute confidence meanwhile it is always here within and as the moment with and as myself here in every breath – therefore my confidence is not absolute because in every moment I focus to memories, more than being here as body as breath, as presence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what exactly I face within meanwhile not being able to memorize sentences, specifically reacting to being unable to remember words, even after learning for minutes – then this reaction comes and I am becoming aware of the reaction by self-judgment of the knowledge of that perceived moment is more important within self-interest than the moment what comes itself.
I commit myself to stop define within duality based on separation of any definition – I am simply here, I am presence, I am breath.
I commit myself to investigate all word-based limitation I face within my mind regarding to how I remember and how I use memory and memorizing and integrating words into and as me.
I commit myself to stop accepting my limitations based on how much I can remember by defining it there is a limit within me by what I can not remember more or I do require a time for being able to learn based on memories, anxieties, justifications from the past, from the school.
When and as I face frustration by not being able to remember things especially when others are able to around me – I realize it is that I am being frustrated because of accepting my own created limitation what I am unable to release because I do not dare myself to understand everything.
When and as I am judging myself meanwhile learning something as ‘this is bullshit, I should not memorize anything, I am more smart and I could survive without this this far’ – I realize the resistance is of fear from unknown – from the undefined moment wherein I can learn and expand without any limit and change faster than I can define – so I breathe, I act and I use common sense and I stop the backchat by bringing all of myself here and direct myself to stop, stop everything of and as me as one as equal and what still moves I forgive myself unconditionally.
When and as I judge myself as smart – I realize even one self-judgment really means that I am not that smart – so I’d rather humbly stop myself and correct myself unconditionally and act what is best for all
to be continued