[JTL 57] Self-forgiveness: relationship with woman continued

Continuing  http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/05/jtl-52-stop-fear-from-self-direction.html
and http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/06/jtl-56-self-forgiveness-relationship.html

relationship:
relationship with woman
So reading the last post – I expand the Self-forgiveness here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words not within absolute specificity and meanwhile thinking that it is irrelevant, does not matter and not realizing that all I consist of and exist as who I perceive myself to be is of and as words – therefore allowing lack of absolute specificity manifests already accepted and allowed relationship within what is of consciousness, of self-interest as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to write about my relationship within my self forgiveness as ‘more likely’ and not realizing that it is not specific.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand that I’ve programmed myself to specifically not be specific within realizations but generalizing and automatizing and trying to find the equation what with things can work by simply knowing it – and hoping that there is a knowledge with what I do not have to actually push and discipline myself in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use consciousness and abuse others by understanding how the mind can be manipulated by certain words and stimulate others and finding their weak spot so to speak where to they react with positive affirmation and then by definition they will link that positive to me and not for and as themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek out and engage into sexual relationship with a certain type of woman by a specific mind-stimulation and basically stimulate her until she wants to be with me and then I stop stimulating her then she comes down from the high-ness and realize how and who I am without being stimulated.
I forgive myself that I have never really considered to form an agreement with somebody who with practically it can work from the start and not going into the temptation of mind-energy-high-stimulation but as principle as discipline as life as self expression within absolute specificity agreed on, by and as words what we live as ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and accept and allow the para-noise of the mind as thoughts what is in fact irrelevant but within addiction to energy and hide from the moment within energy experience I can perceive that what is my interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my life will be better if I have a partner who is beautiful and nice and looks perfect and by able to define and therefore experience her as that having a good feeling and positive experience because she is part of my life therefore beauty and nice and good feeling is now granted, accessed, experienced, reached in my life therefore I will be more happy, positive, therefore effective, harmonic.
I forgive myself that I have programmed myself to become defined as attracted to certain type of woman who look like I can define as nice, beautiful, harmonic, perfect because then there is a chance that she might can be my partner, part of my life, my companion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship with woman and the desire, need and want to have a relationship with a woman as my purpose until I do not find her when then I will be able to stop the seek, search, journey, quest and mission to find my partner who will be perfect or at least acceptable for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realize that I’ve defined myself as constantly looking for woman and hope for finding the perfect woman for me even when not realizing it and then automatically looking when seeing somebody as who I can define as beautiful within the hope that she might be interested in me and we might can connect, relate and be together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define possibility to form and have relationship with woman by who seems interested in me or who gives positive affirmation, feedback to me by smiling at me, enjoying me or wanting to be with me, do things with me, spend time with me and especially want to have sex with me and by that defining her as great for relationship without considering who I am and how I am in flesh, what is my starting point, what is her starting point, what is the compromise with I want to start the relationship and for what.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women who do not seem to be interested in me as undesirable because then she might not want to be with me – even if I would want to be with her – and defining my affection from outside first – about who is behaving the way what might be the chance that she is interested in me therefore wanting to be with me and then profiling her by my definitions of beauty and seeing what is the compromise and what with I could start relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who is always kind and open and positive with all women because then if I show my most positive face all the time – then one might be interested in me therefore playing the good guy or even playing certain characters by circumstances when believing that there is certain woman who might be interested in me if I do things as I’ve defined my personality characters such as kind and gentle one or raw and macho or wise one or generous one etc by the possession of belief that by that this specific aspect the woman might be impressed and become interested in me.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I can live by and as principle as equality and oneness and what is best for all and I can look my need for partner within absolute self-honesty for what I do really need and support me within my principled living and use common sense and direct communication to approach finding partner to establish and build self-honest agreement with myself and then expanding it to somebody who have the same approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my points to form a relationship/agreement by defining that currently there are no women around me who with I could walk the agreement by the same principles as I do therefore prioritizing my needs and basically mixing things up within me and not be self-honest with me in terms of sexual desire and the need for have a stable sexual relationship and self-honest principled agreement together and then by compounding sexual desire giving up principled agreement yet wanting it with somebody who with it is not possible at the moment and not realizing that because I have not established a constant, consistent, stable agreement with myself as principle in application – I project it and expect it with the sexual partner even when she is not interested in that and by that creating conflict within what I project to the relationship and to the partner meanwhile it is my starting point what I experience equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I want to have a relationship with a woman who I define as very beautiful because then I am overwhelmed and mesmerized by the reactions within about how special she is and how lucky and gifted I am because of this value of beauty what is my compass meanwhile it is subjective, made-up and not really relevant in principled agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-dishonest with me in terms of thinking after realizing my obsession with self-defined beauty that wanting to become possessed with disregarding my sexual preferences meaning that pretending that it is irrelevant how she looks like and how I can experience myself with her by trying to prove to myself that the outfit and look does not matter instead of realizing that self-honesty I disregard and there is nothing wrong about how one woman look like but if I stimulate myself by looping the reaction and inner dialogues by compounding mind-energy as constantly defining her how beautiful and perfect she is – I am off from reality based only by and as my self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have never considered and allowed myself to realize that as my affection with self-defined beauty and nice-ism I react to women – unconsciously I look after women who are doing the same by having the same starting point and in fact participating within the same self-dishonesty regarding to inner judgments and behaving according to self-definitions, desires, fears, by resonantly looking for the same mind-state who with we can complement and support each other’s self-dishonesty who we defined ourselves to be.

The Desteni I Process Agreement Course is exactly the resolution for supporting one to establish a nurturing, long-term, self-supporting agreement with Self and with a partner for walking through and releasing the preferences, imbued influences, resonantly accepted fears, desires what are irrelevant and disturbing the partnership and to support one to establish it from the starting point with no compromise by what it might become a sinking ship when specific circumstances would arise for instance jealousy, monetary, addiction-related problems would arise – then one has considered already what it means to remain stable, supporting, gentle to support oneself and the other within self-honesty and not by coming and going energetic experiences, desires, fears.
It is invaluable to walk through all the traps what with mostly all relationships will end when facing, so I am recommending it as I walk the course more than a year now and have realized and corrected so much already.

So this was the continuation for self-forgiveness: relationship with woman, and still will be continued.

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