This is a Desteni research series within the 7 Years of Journey to Life on the two words: drugs and paranoia – I’ve started with some definitions and now continuing on my personal experiences regarding to the topic and give some insights of how to stop if one experience paranoia by understanding how it’s created.
I am aware of that there are thousands of people who still glorify these stuffs and not ‘feeling’ paranoid – however as I’ve came to the conclusion that once one is focusing to thoughts, feelings, emotions – it is already indicating paranoia and this might accumulate in the future – especially when the mind is twisted with some psychoactive stuff – so the key here is Self-honesty to realize what is really real – and be able to question everything, even the drug experience by common sense and be able to cross-reference each experience because one thing is sure: experience will not last – the physical is!
And also there is an other point to consider that one can ‘feel’ responsible for feeling good or even stimulating others to feel good – as still of and as ‘experience’ – but meanwhile looking at the physically manifested human system – and all the abuse what takes on daily – the real thing is not the ‘experience’-‘ride’ – but how to practically change the system without separation and without judgment remaining undefined, breathing, living, real beings without the para-noise of the mind. So.
How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 1
How the mind altering substance can enhance paranoia?
It simply enhances the mind. And the mind is in fact the consequence and the very manifestation of paranoia itself. How?
“Now – the Mind is the Product of your Environment and the Events that took place in your life, and the Events that you Learned from. This in turn is Determined by the type of Preprogramming you have and the Accumulation of your Beingness throughout Time. So if you have a Propensity for Manipulation for instance then during your Early Years you will have an ‘Attraction’ to people that Manipulate because You Want to Learn How to Manipulate and therefore You will Be Manipulated; or if you have a propensity for Abuse because you get an Energetic Charge from Abusing others = you will be Placing yourself in the Environment of Abuse so that you can Become the Abuser. Now in that, the early years you are the one that Actually Decides because your Parents and your Environment simply Don’t Understand how Anything Functions so, All they’re going to do is Drive Fear into You. So all of this Develops as a Mechanism through which You are Going to ‘Harvest Energy’ for yourself. Now the Interesting thing is that You’re Not Getting the Energy from Another person, you Develop the Mechanism Within Yourself to Produce the Energy. What the Person in your Environment does is simply ‘Trigger the Program You Have.’
So, if you for instance have a Program due to Trauma where You Have Immense Fear for a Person, you will Create in the Mind – and the Mind will virtually do it by Itself because You’re Not really Aware that you are doing it – You will Create a Mechanism through which you would Detect according to your Environment, the Possibility of People in your Environment that May Cause such Trauma again, and you will end up Seeing the person that Caused the Trauma Everywhere. Now obviously the Person Doesn’t Exist, the Person Only Exists in the Mechanism that You’ve Created through which you are Attempting to Protect Yourself from such Trauma and therefore Any Person that in Any Way will Show Any form of the Patterns which are Part of your Protection mechanism in the Mind will Immediately bring up Paranoia and you’ll immediately ‘Not Like the Person,’ you’ll Immediately want to be Out of their Environment as Much as Possible, Not Communicate with them/ Stay Away from them because all they’re going to do is – according to Your Mechanism – they’re going to Abuse you and therefore you will Move Yourself out of that Environment to Protect yourself.”
I walk for a moment a scenario why one would want to take drugs – this one is myself – how I’ve open myself up to drugs and how I’ve walked an evolution within my mind towards the most surrealistic ideas – what were then proven to be unreal – it was just a paranoia from what is here as reality as physical.
I’ve defined myself as some sort of phenomenon what I do not have direct power on – always because of external reasons – because of my family, because of having no money, because of I am ugly, because I can not really talk properly with girls, because of the government and because of faith, karma, destiny.
I was conscious about myself and my reality – but somehow I had this idea that within my current, normal life I can not see trough the things, because my point of view is not ‘clear’, ‘strong’, ‘high’ enough – therefore I had to ‘clean’, ‘power up’, ‘heighten’ my perspective, point of view.
That my current life is so occupied, and boxed, infused and in fact automated to the degree that I am unable to give the simplest answers to myself for the most basic existential questions:
- why am I here?
- what am I doing?
- why am I doing what I am doing?
- why there is suffering, how to stop it?
I had this idea that I have the normal, ordinary life – and then there is a point when I make the journey beyond the veil, beyond my comprehension, to reach out to a kind of state wherein I can make everything sense and figure out what is really happening.
I’ve always noticed that I am overwhelmed, pulled into experiences what I’ve never questioned within myself – as what comes up – basically anything comes up – must be directly me – yes – I was literally taking granted everything I’ve experienced within as there was this simple rule:
‘anything happens within me – is directly me, any experience I have is directly me, any thought, feeling, emotion I have – it is myself, what is the normal way of being myself’
I’ve grown up just like that – accepting every single inner reaction as taking granted that this is who I am – whatever comes up within – is me – and it is my awareness, and meaning that by these I am experiencing my ‘level of’ awareness and when I am unable to change this inner experiences, for instance when at university I experienced this self-claimed energetic state called love and the girl did not and rejected me – I’ve hit my head into the wall literally – as this was coming up from me – so then it is me – but then so much sufferings(as I’ve defined: limitation and conflict within) I experienced so then after a while I’ve started to watch and notice that in fact I am responsible for the outer circumstances within I put myself into – and by that I’ve had these inner reactions – so then that was an other level within the process of realization.
That if I change who I meet with, and change that I do not drink that much alcohol and if I do not go into thinking about that girl – by simply occupying and giving another purposes, directions to me – then my inner ‘accepted’ suffering was reduced.
Still then – I was not directing myself – but I was able to notice that by taking mind-altering substance – I am altering my personality – I am re-wiring my mind – finding new connections and letting go others.
Meaning that the value system within – by I’ve defined myself and my reality – and what is important and what I want and what I do not want – it was all already manifested within – but I was unable to see through, I never even considered to stop and find out, and follow back any of my thought, feeling or emotion – how and why I am experiencing – the identification with my mind was absolute and unquestionable.
However what I was unable to grasp is peace and freedom – that drove me crazy because I was never satisfied – not with my life, not with my wired-in reactions to the outer circumstances wherein I was located.
I had this need and drive for experiencing more than what I experienced as ‘here’ – and that ‘here-ness’ – was not really my physical location – I never dared to really see what I am doing in my life – I did not even needed to – it was obvious because everything was in front of me automatically – I had the thoughts, feelings, emotions coming and going and in the experience of these I always had some explanation. Unfortunately – or fortunately I was not satisfied with my reality – because what I experienced was not stable, was not what I’ve created myself to desire for – even without realizing and being aware of how exactly I’ve created myself so.
However with alcohol I already realized that it is literally destroying the body and the only ‘awareness’ came out of it was that I was not inhibited anymore and some physical euphoria – but otherwise I was still doing things basically more ‘automatically’ what I was not satisfied with.
So I was unaware of it but when I was offered by marijuana – I was ready to smoke, hell yeah.
I’ve already had so much impressions from media and school – that there are people who can make difference, and there are people who in fact do change. I wanted to change, but I could not by myself – I was not even sure that what I want to change – I wanted to experience more, that was it, what I experienced was not enough.
For instance the simplest, quite broadly known story is:
Starwars – the poor farmer boy discovers the greatest force within himself with what he can win battles by simply relying on his divination and he can change the whole galaxy’s future.
Seeing others being busy while fighting in the system around me(came from poor family) – I was pre-programmed to break that line with any means necessary.
So when I asked why people smoke weed, and what does it like feel – they did not say a word – but suggested me to have an experience and see it for myself.
And then when I’ve smoked – I’ve said: I feel myself strange – and the answer was literally this:
‘That’s why man smokes – to feel strange’.
To feel different, to experience something new, something strange was simply predetermined for me – I could not look back where I came from – my family did not seem being able to take direction and do what they really want – and after a while I could not rely on them – nor emotionally, financially or even ideologically – that is already quite a drive for the ones escaping from lower/middle-class family-realities.
Because the media is constantly bombarding everyone within the ‘public domain’ about how we can become special, super nice, absolutely awesome and get everything what we want – and in fact not really – or if so – it is not constant, stable – but only for a while what for we are able to pay.
So within looking for experiences beyond my ‘normal’ life – I’ve found drugs – and with drugs I’ve felt different, I’ve felt strange, I’ve felt high.
That was not really aware – I was just did what friends suggested so and then I had the first paranoia.
We smoked from a bong made from plastic bottle and after some inhalations I’ve noticed that the curtain was strangely moving at the edge of my vision – but when I’ve focused to it – it stopped. That was weird.
After a while when I went out – I heard the others speaking and I did not understand what they said but I was somehow sure that they speak about me – and then they laughed – I was really freaky within but did not express it – because I wanted to be sure that this is the case: they laugh at me because of how weirdo I am while smoked the first time. Well, then I could not catch them – so I came back and then they played with a microphone – it was some sort of effect on it as they spoke – it was pitch shifted/reverberated/echoed – and sounded quite strange and then they spoke many stuff into the mic and then they pointed at me and I just could not speak.
I wanted but I could not – it was almost literally the feeling when in the movie Matrix Neo could not speak when asked a lawyer from the agents when they cached him.
That was really scary and I can see I was really paranoid – because I was so high – and I just could not reach the ability within how to speak!
I was scared shirtless for some time and then I was eating some yellow pepper and then it was better but then we went through a 4-lane road to a Chinese – I was absolutely SURE about that when we step out – the military commando will catch us because of using illegal drug – I name myself now as quite brave because if I looked into my mind – it was sure thing – I could bet on that with any price – but went with them anyway and nothing happened.
I was really paranoid, I can say now – but how and why this happened? Investigation is required within.
Alright, this looks quite clear; now, how it is related to paranoia:
How and why I turned to drugs:
- valuing experience more than physical reality(feeling good for a while is easier than changing my life)
- not understanding the mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions(especially how to stop when overwhelming, nobody taught that really)
- not knowing why we are here, who we really are, what would be the best to do(everybody says different truth, basically doing ‘love’ and ‘self-interest’ bubble)
- facing extreme limitation within the system meanwhile looking around and EVERYONE is doing the same while pretending to have some real meaning (wanting but not having money and feeling special as not wanting to be like others I see around me)
What caused my initial paranoia when smoking the first time:
- not understanding what it is really doing(suppressing emotions, re-and re-creating a feeling and being able to don’t give a shit about problems)
- not understanding the dynamics of my thoughts(that what I think is not what is real – however I’ve been talked to beliefs by my thoughts)
- allowing stories and remembrance of movie-scenes to use as knowledge/reference(defining as cool and desirable like within Matrix movie)
- fear from being punished doing something what is illegal – for the first time(also from movies being caught of rebelling the system for the first time)
- seeing things what seems to be not real, like the curtains move(psychedelic experiences are of the liquified mind however that seems crazy)
- feeling and defining as really weird because not being able to talk(fear from being judged as awkward and also feeling like in the specific movie mentioned before)
- the perception that others laugh at me because I suck(self-judgment emphasized so much by boosting my mind with the stuff)
- fearing to acknowledge exactly who and how I currently am and trying to prove the opposite what I perceive, if required even manipulate myself to prove apparently positive things about myself to have self-worth because of paranoia of not being good, worthy, nice, smart etc
Understanding the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2 as everything works within this reality by accumulation.
Accumulating thoughts, imprinted and impulsed by the same external influences all the time causing the same inner reactions will result within internal energetic compounding based on the nature and the subject of the specific thoughts, feelings, emotions – but the source, the starting point is the same within all: which is fear.
Fear from the specifically judged as bad experience will remain,
fear from the certainly judged as good experience will not remain
For instance when not knowing the effect of the drug when trying it at the first time: it might boost the certain, already imprinted, repeated and manifested patterns.
And drugs are plus energy within the equated, balanced and fractionated mind – the status quo of the fuzzy logic system will be blown away when something is drastically changed.
Some of the inner reactions might become more suppressed, some inner reactions what were suppressed might come to surface. There is a saying about drugs, especially about the so called ‘psychoactive’ drugs:
The drug can bring out only something what was already within you.
But the point is that if one is not aware of what is really within and as self, when Self-intimacy was never expressed, discovered, stabilized – then all of a sudden from under the carpet one can observe and experience some quite weird and strange stuff – and to react that – with unrealistic ease – might just be really paranoia.
I’ve seen people became really scary and childish after doing drugs, I’ve tons of experience of this – grownups, adults – becoming scared shitless and only being able to freaked out and run away – lolol and when I was not really scared meanwhile – I might even seem to be scary as well – but within a stable, calm approach they can re-experience some stability by what the paranoia can cool off to a degree that at least they do not freak out from simply being here as who they are within this reality.
And it is still not really a problem when one can have a taste from the real insanity about the real taste of our realms of mind – to see that what degree we have accepted and allowed to create who we are within our mind in relation to unconscious/subconscious/
So as solution – it is to realize that we can not really trust within experience only – we can not trust within the experience of thoughts, feelings and emotions because those are context-based, because those are of self-interest based on a self what is simply a result of external influences mixed up by internal processing based on fear and desire to stop experiencing fear.
And to practically understand to what degree we screw up if we are not clear when taking drugs – even just acknowledging that we have no idea how we ended up like who we are here searching for clues to get to ourselves.
And the common sense is to write all out – to put all thoughts, memories, feelings, images, emotions, desires, fears into words and record it, to stabilize the words in front of ourselves to at least for a moment to be able to see what we contain and react to reality, ourselves – and develop actual, real self-intimacy and explore practical self-honesty and really being able to forgive ourselves for what we allowed and accepted to be.
Because within writing – the experience is stabilized by words – as how thoughts work: as words – what to we react – to words – how we communicate with each other mostly – by words – it is the relationship between words what create our inner reality what do not exactly reflect back the physical reality – and to compare the two – and to be able to let go what is not real, not here – it is a process.
And to take drugs one thinks, desires for a quick solution, a shortcut, a fast resolution from what is already manifested but it is not really a solution – a drug experience might give a glimpse for what is really going on but it is still within and as the mind – as the drug can only enhance the mind – so if the mind is not working – the drug has no effect – it is quite supporting to realize this, once one realizes it’s truth – that if a drug has effect – then it is the mind – so then that should be understood and stopped.
And the solution is also mostly to slow down within – because we can think quite fast – but we do not understand it – however some thought pattern goes really fast and we jump to the same conclusions already without even realizing it – and with the drugs it might happen that one can slow down within and see this – but it also might happen that the thinking process is fastened – and then it is like lighting – and by that – one is mesmerized with the feeling of judging oneself that ‘oh shit, how fast I am, I am light-fast’ – and that is mind – and that is not real – but to realize it – and to stop it – takes guts and self-honesty but once the starting point is clarified, then the process of stopping can start.
Matti Freeman shared this simple method:
Where is my breath?
Here is my breath.
Where am I.
Here am I.
The reward to realize that we can not use the mind for stopping the mind sounds also tricky for the first time – but to use drugs of mind to stop the mind is also ridiculous.
It’s like stopping the war within with weapons of mass destruction.
For instance that if you have shitty setting within – you do not take acid because you face shitstorm as the stuff just compounds the inner hell – but what if you had hell when you were child and even you forgot it, dig deep down under a pile of other memories to just not deal with it and with the stuff you open it up and hell will come anyway?
To establish what is real is simple by considering what is physically here – and with effected mind by drugs it might not be that simple – but once one can realize it – the power of experience what never lasts as it has a beginning and has an end by condition of consciousness will not be that demanding to influence/direct oneself.
But to realize it is one thing – and to live it as self undefined, unconditionally, meaning: to walk through each stimulating condition within first, and to see how exactly is being created and simply stopping participating within one by one, breath by breath is the only process of self-realization.